darkSpyro

Chapter 1 Chef Pepper Jack's Turkey?
: Alright guys we're here and it looks like Pepper Jack has already greeted us with a welcome party.
:greeble: Get the Skylanders !
: That is a lot of Greebles ! (Drops the Hammer on a Greeble )
: Talk about a bother ( Evades a sword attack from a Greeble )
: Look out guys more in coming ( Shoots rockets at a huge wave of Greebles knocking them all out )
Greeble Captain: Deploy the Gear Golems! (Gear Golems of all sorts of elements begin entering the deck of the airship)
: We're surrounded ! (Shoots ice breath. However it seems to have little effect on the fire Golem )
: I... I can’t do this much longer ... (Faints from exhaustion of fighting enemies)
: NOO Chopper ! (Begins to run towards chopper. But then gets hit by an Earth Golem's groundpound attack. And falls back onto the deck)
:: Stop Dinorang you’re going to get hurt ! (Shoots acorn at earth golem knocking it out.)
: There's no time for this we have to complete the mission ! ( Thorws ice disc at Greebles defeating several of them )
???: Stop,Stop hold your attacks and surround the skylanders. (The minions suddenly stop fighting and Dino Rang runs over to chopper who is laying sideways on the deck. To check his pulse)
: Who could that be ? (Pepper Jack walks out of the cabin and enters the deck)
: Well that clears things up ( Looks at chef Pepper Jack and sighs )
: Hello Skylanders it is I Chef Pepper Jack ( Holds out his mixer weapon up high into the air )
: What are you planning this time Pepper jack !
: That should be of no concern to you Skylander. However if you do want to know perhaps you can surrender by dropping your weapons. (Smirks evilly)
: We shall consider it.
:Freeze Blade we can’t just surrender like that !
: What... What about Chopper (Feels Choppers pulse)
:If you do decide to surrender you little Dino friend here will be spared.
: It's tempting but no ! Right Freeze Blade? (Turns to Freeze Blade)
I think we'll take it ( Turns and looks Pepper Jack in the eye )
: Better make up your mind now Or it's cooking time ! (Pulls out a spoon)
: I vote we take the offer ( Sighs )
Greeble Captain: Take them to the lower deck!

Please reply any suggestions to improve my writing and if you want to see more.

First of all, your fanfiction has minor flaws. These are either gramatical erros.
To qoute a few:
Quote:

: It's tempting but no ! Right Freeze Blade? (Turns to Freeze Blade)
: I think we'll take it ( Turns and looks Pepper Jack in the eye )

First of all, a Excalamtion mark should not have a space between the last word and the ! itself. You seem to know how Question marks work. So I'm wondering if that excalamtion mark was either a typing mistake or was meant to be that way.

Second of all, I am sure Pepper Jack has two eyes, not just one.

Third: After all smilies, you're missing a ":". A : indicates it's the character that says the words. Not only that, it looks more...how do I put it...? ....Professional.


A minor thing that has bothered me in this chapter is the "Making quick work of enemies" thing. In the actual game, it takes more then one acorn to defeat a Earth Golem.

Other than that, your fanfiction has minor flaws. For (I think) your first, this isn't bad. Keep up the good work.


7/10
It needs severall gramatical checkups. But other than that, it's pretty good.

I rushed it a bit really. Also he was looking Chef Pepper Jack in one of his eyes.

Chapter 1 Chef Pepper Jack's Turkey? Part two
: Excellent. Minions grab the skylanders and take them to the lower deck!
Greeble Captain: You heard him take the skylanders to the deck
Greeble: Yes Sir ( Puts handcuffs on freezeblade )
: Well this missions not going so well ( Walks towards the lower deck )
: Speak for you're self I'd say we've already failed
Greeble: Move it skylanders! ( Pokes out sword and herds the skylanders towards the lower deck cells )
: Well this place is pretty ( Looks around his cell )
: I just hope chopper will be ok ( Looks at Chopper in his cell. )
: I think he's sleeping those enemies must have packed quite a punch!
: I hope you're right
: Well we cant let this keep us down I say we do what we came here for and complete the mission !
Greeble: Keep it down skylanders!
: ( Walks down the stairs to lower deck ) Well well well the skylanders I see your trying to stop my turkey !
: Let's cut to the chase then what is this turkey!
: That's simple my frosty friend you see I have loaded a turkey with a certain drug that will make any creature who eats it be 100% At my command !
: Keep talking!
: ( Ignores Stump Smash and keeps talking) I shall send the turkeys out to mabu villages building my army of mabus. But not only will they get more aggressive they will get 20% Stronger than they already are !
: You cant do that Mabu are peaceful!
: They wont be once they try the turkey and the best part is it's impossible not to try it !
: What in eons name do you mean !
: Well basically the drug I have added also makes mabu go to eat it without even trying a bit. It will be like they are zombies!
: What what ... happened
: Chopper you're alive !
: I will leave you down here. In the meantime my minions will guard the door until it's time for your execution (Laughs Evilly and walks back up to the main deck)
: I thought we were fighting pepperjack!
: Please chopper you're still very weak
: Well we were fighting him Chopper but he captured us! And now we're stuck down here waiting to be killed!
: We gotta escape! (Tries to smash the bars) Ouch!
:greeble:: Keep it down tree huger!
: Tree huger!Tree huger! Shut up Greeble! (Face turns red with anger)
: Stump Smash control yourself I know you find that difficult but here you're going to have to.
: But he called me a tree huger!
: Please stumpsmash if we're going to get out of here we need a plan now I was thinking.
: Did you hear that ?
: Soun ... Sounded like the breaking of wood
:greeble: What was that ?

nice fanfic!

Thank you.

Great work so far, CamoLover! I finally took the time to read your story (yay! ) and I love the idea that you are writing about. Four Skylanders working together to stop a bad guy but get captured and have to escape and worry about the Mabus not becoming evil? Sounds like this story will be good! That's my thoughts about it anyway. Keep up the good work!

The Mabu wont become evil. They will be more or less out of control.

Chapter 1 Chef Pepper Jack's Turkey? Part three
Greeble: Show you're self! ( Looks around the room only to find no trace of where the noise was coming from)
:Stumpsmash:: Hang on that sound is very similar it sounds like!
Greeble: Silence skylander you will remain silent till you are all to be exacted! ( Interpreting Stump Smash )
Sound: Fruit Punch!
Greeble: Who... Who said that ( Shaking with fear the Greeble puts his sword down in fear)
: I think it's Camo ( He whispered to the rest of his companions)
: But how do you think Camo would find us on here we are hundreds of miles away from Skylander Academy? ( He whispered back to Freezeblade )
:Chopper:: I don't know but I think we should be happy about it ( Whispered Chopper there were still signs of his injuries in his voice )
: Now let's wait till Camo starts the fire works eh!
: Be quiet Stumpsmash we were lucky that Greeble was distracted
Sound: Ya ( A silhouette stabs a dagger into the Greebles head purple blood oozing out of him)
Greeble: AHHH! ( The silhouette uses it's hand to cover his mouth most likely to make sure the other crew members couldn't hear the commotion )
sound: Camo it's clear!
other sound: Great I took the cameras down we should be good let's get them out
:Hey guys we've come to get you out ( Shoots apart of the jail cell and the bars come crashing down )
: How did you do that we tried that for hours
: When you take down a certain shield it becomes easier
: This is great! ( All four skylanders step out the jail )
: Guys I'm still struggling I can barely walk!
: Lucky for us we came prepared eat this melon
: I can fly again! Thanks Camo! ( Flys around the room in joy. )
: Shh
: Right we still gotta stop Pepper Jack!
: Do any of you know of his plan
: Well sort of he said something about a drugged turkey making the Mabu do his bidding and be totally out of control!
: Well what are we waiting for we gotta stop that turkey!