darkSpyro

Well, this is my first time actually writing a short story. Please comment, just don't be to hard. I like criticizer to because it tells me how i can write better and improve on my story telling. Without further a do, lets start the story! (also, i suck at making titles....maybe yall can help me make a good one )
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Eight sisters, born to the Beings of Darkness and Light. Each having the ability to control an element. They were born to keep the world in balance. Shortly after the oldest turned 10, the Being or Darkness left for an unknown reason. The Being of Light could not take care of the eight sisters, so it blindly abandoned them. The sisters were left to their own devices to survive in the big city. They went through several years of poverty, the older ones trying to get jobs, trouble, and sickness. The oldest was able to get a well paying job, to which because of it, they now live on an island off the coast of Arizona in the United States of America. They have lived peacefully their, training in secret their extraordinary abilities. One day, seven of the sisters vanished without a trace. The eighth and youngest sister, Melody, was left alone. This is where our story begins....



I hurry down the halls, hair flying behind me, foot steps echoing through the empty house, short of breathe. I sneak a peek behind me to see if IT was still following me. I slowed down a bit as i entered the living room. It was a very spacious room, three couches all facing the flat screen TV. The wide window gave a wonderful view of the ocean. The door-less frame lead into the kitchen. I stop and look behind me again. I wish i hadn't. I look into the darkness of the hallway to see IT. It was a fully black, shadow-like creature. It did not look solid, more like a black gas. It was slowly coming my way, but don't be fooled, it is anything but slow. It started to gain speed until it was almost to me. I slammed the door in front of it, hoping to gain some time. It let out a furious roar. I quickly ran across the room and opened a door that lead to the bed rooms. I made my way to a turn in the hall. There were eight different paths, each leading to either mine or one of my sisters rooms. I scurried down the purple path which lead to my room. I entered the room, breathless, and slammed and locked the door behind me. I took quick breathes and then got my favorite purple backpack, and stuffed it with food, water, books, and anything needed to survive in the wild. I heard a growl echo through the hall. I frantically searched for a certain item. I jumped when their was the sound of something slamming against the door. I was horrified but continued my search. I finally found what I was looking for, the one picture of all my sisters, both my parents and I. I crammed the framed picture into my bag and rushed to the window. I slide the glass window open and stepped on the edge. We had two story house and my room was upstairs. I almost fell when the door burst open, revealing the creature. I looked at it in horror. It started to creep towards me. I looked back outside, down to the soft beach sand. I closed my eyes and jumped, hoping for the best.

Well done DC this sounds really good so far. Keep it up. I hope to see more.

Criticism:
I really liked how you used a lot of detail and emotion. The describing of how she felt and how she tired out was amazing. I want to see more.

I thought it was great so far! Keep it up!

thanks guys ^__^. My friend read it and put it on FanFiction.com >___> i was like, its not even a fanfiction....anyway, heres chapter 2.
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Falling. That was all i thought was i dropped from my window. I saw the ground coming up fast. I closed my eyes and braced for impact. I screamed as i hit the sand. Luckily the sand is not very hard so i did not break anything. I regained my composer and stood. I looked up to see if It was still there. It was. It seemed to stare at me, what with having no eyes. It let out another furious roar and jumped. I quickly high tailed it out of there. I ran till i was at the edge of the forest. I looked back to see It a little farther away. I quickly turned and ran into the forest, wondering what happened to me sisters.
It all started as a normal day, Kari complaining about being forced awake by Fiona, Ivy soaking up the sun on the patio, Aqua and Brea making breakfast, Wiress in the garage, working on who knows what, and Rocky staring at her reflection, saying how beautiful and stunning she was. I was in the bathroom, coming my hair after i got out of the shower. I comb through my soft, purple hair. I walk to my room, noticing the absence of noise. I shrug it off and get dressed. I come out wearing a blue tank top and jean shorts. I wear my favorite orange bow in my hair. I walk into the living room, noticing no one in there. I walk around and then enter the kitchen. I smell the cooking eggs and sausage, noticing how the stove wasn't turned off. I turned it off to make sure there wasn't a fire. I walk around some more. I was starting to freak out in my head. My sisters have played many jokes on me, but i know that they would never keep the stove on without someone attending to it. I walk back into the living room and down the hall. I hear my footsteps echo through the halls. I look out the large window that spans the enter length of the hallway. I notice the forming of a black figure coming around the corner. I gasp as i noticed the creature for i the first time, and it noticed me for the same time. I start to back away. It slowly makes its way closer, and closer, and closer. I turned and ran.

Well, no one has comment, but you know what they say, the show must go on! Well, in this case the story
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I push the leaves away from my face as I look up to the foliage. It practically blocked the sun from getting to the smaller plants. There were wilting plants around who have lost the life giving light to the taller trees. My breathe becomes longer as i slow down from my running. Thoughts were racing through my head, such as "Where are my sisters," What was that thing," and, "I think im lost." The bird's song echos through the forest. It was a soft four note song. I tried to mimic it, but failed. I could never really whistle, it was more of Brea's thing. She would whistle or hum a song all the time. Sometimes, one of us would complain but all she would say is, "Deal with it." The edge of the forest started to come into view. The light shone through the foliage at this point. I smiled as i saw a small plant in bloom. It got the sunlight it so very needed. I leave the forest and enter the beach. I breathe in the ocean breeze as i look out to the seemingly endless ocean. It was a very beautiful sight, one i know Aqua would have enjoyed. A terrifying roar cut through my thoughts. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It burst through the trees, charging right towards me. I scream and start to run in no particular direction. Out of the corner of my eye, i see a cave. It was lone in the rocky part of the beach. I change direction and start to head towards it. As i got closer, i breathed harder and harder as i ran harder. I thought i lost it back on the other side of the forest! I thought. I entered the cave, the darkness robbing me of my eyesight. The creature was coming closer, so i blindly continued on, almost running to a lone pillar. I think it entered the cave as when it roared again, it echoed through the cave. My footsteps also echoed, the soft tapping of the sneakers.