darkSpyro

Posting just a chapter at a time. It only got up to like 5 chapters. I wanted to write an angst-y drama fic of the series so I did a long time ago and yeah. This fic happened. Note: I'm the suckiest writer ever. And I was probably really even suckier back then years and years ago xD;; but try to enjoy?

>><<

Chapter 1: Hideaway

Feet pounding against the wet earth, a stream of hot rain glazing Its face, pooling around the ankles in shallow glass puddles, the figure ran wildly, a blinking shadow in the crimson of the setting sun. It breathed and knew It was alive once again, for It felt so, and It accepted it as purely factual, that instant that It opened Its eyes and inhaled once again. Ripples of water lapped at the purple bruises, cutting like knifes into the delicate white skin, slashing with relentless fury.

That same presence that knew It was to be caught and killed once again, like a mouse ensnared in the traps of the world, doomed to be forever hated and forever hunted against Its will. With gasping breaths It ran, farther away from the truth, lesser into the light, nearer to the safety of the darkness. Night would envelope It and incubate It, sustaining It with life until It regained Its full potential. A cry, harsh and ragged with weariness, burst from the parched lips.

With a growing hope It scanned Its destination; the far reaches of forest thickened in the distance, shimmering mysteriously from the downpour that fell against its outskirts. Everything was hazy, as if in a dream or a trance, but It knew that It was awake and well, and that time was not so merciful. Blue eyes brimmed with salted tears, a sign of human characteristic although at the same time completely alien. They swam in eternal misery, in coming fear. Once It reached the greenery It would be safe for a time. Oh, but only for a time… Nothing lasts forever. Time weighs upon the flesh as well as the heart. It knew this, and that's precisely the reason why It had to escape. The reason It had to remain hidden until time would come again to unleash It.

That time would come sooner than It thought…

----------------------

The girl bandicoot sighed, a hint of slight frustration in her tiny voice. The large green eyes stared out of the open window, unblinking at the scene of nature's wrath unfolding outside the glass pane. One of her hands rested lightly on the surface, the fingers splayed about casually. "It's never going to stop, is it?" Coco was referring to the cold rain that fell in sheets over the small house located at the heart of the forest. It could be heard beating loudly on the rooftop, muffling the music that floated happily from a pair of earphones that lay on the countertop, next to her computer. She had lived there in that same hut her whole life, or at least ever since she could remember. It was a simplistic structure, built solely out of gopher wood and nailed together with hard steel. The roof overhead consisted of smaller, finer pieces of wood, cut in flat slabs, and pasted with red mud, leaves, and bamboo rope.

Despite it's meager appearance, the fort held up quite well, even in the midst of storms such as this. Coco wasn't the least bit concerned for the safety of the shack, for she knew all too well the strength it could sustain. It was her sense of vitality that was at stake. Her bones ached from the lack of sunshine, her head throbbing for the piney smell of the outdoors. For nearly two weeks it had rained nonstop, and the water had begun to soak through the cracks in the wood nearest to the sandy floor. For days she had trod upon wet soil, the grimy feeling it left between her bare toes a plausible nuisance. It wasn't only this factor that made her so upset, however. It was also true enough that they had nearly depleted all of the food supplies kept in the pantry, and her stomached growled hungrily even as she spoke. "It's just never going to stop".

A loud thumping noise, not belonging to the descending rain, sounded in the next room over, a semi-formed kitchen area where the pantry and a nice dining table resided. The hair on the female bandicoot's neck stood on end. She whipped her head around, her blonde locks falling in her eyes, and almost instantly, a hand went up to brush them away. When her heart finally stabled itself to normal pace she sighed again, "Crash! What….are you doing….?"

The other bandicoot looked at his sister with a bemused expression plastered on his face, his hands covered with a thick, lumpy substance. His fur was matted down, droplets of water dripping from the tips. With the same air as before, he shrugged nonchalantly and moved into the next room, leaving wet stains on the yellow sand floor. Coco hung her head, shaking it softly, the bangs falling into her eyes once again. She moved the toes on her bare feet, tapping the ground almost nervously. Crash was her older brother, another occupant of the house. Unlike his sister, Crash had not an ounce of common sense, spending his days lazing away, sometimes sleeping, sometimes learning a myriad of tricks on his prized yo-yo, other times goofing off and making mischief. He never spoke sentences; the only word that Coco had ever heard him utter was "whoa!" a clear ejaculation of the nonsensical sort. Pura, Coco's pet baby tiger came hurtling into the room, spreading dust in the air as he pawed the ground near his master's feet. With a content purr he rolled over onto her back, exposing his chest in submission. The girl bandicoot laughed as she squatted on her haunches and reached out a hand to gently rub the furry belly. "What's wrong, Pura? Are you afraid of the storm?"

"That is unlikely. He was merely frightened by Crash's entrance." Aku Aku floated casually into the room and Coco's gaze rose to meet his. The witchdoctor mask made it known that he was the master of the household, fathering both Coco and Crash with utmost care and love. Despite his rather strict attitude, Aku Aku had the kindest of hearts, always willing to give and reluctant to receive. His voice filled the room with an aura of warmth, even as the freezing rain continued to pelt the roof restlessly. "That boy, always slamming the door…" He closed his eyes for a brief second before adding, "What was he doing outside in a storm like this anyways?" Pura purred as Coco straightened her posture, jamming her hands into the pocket of her low-ride jeans. One of her feet still tapped the sandy ground.

She stared at the mask with utmost sincerely, "I…really don't know. I tried to ask him but…" She made a few gestures with her head in the direction that Crash fled. Aku Aku nodded, his wooden face hardening from curiosity. Without so much as a sigh, he turned and followed Crash's wet droplet trail into the back room of the shack. Coco stood erect for a minute more before lightly kicking Pura, forcing the tiger to rise from the floor and look at her lovingly. "Go eat something boy. I'm too busy to play with you right now." As the girl bandicoot watched Pura mewl and disappear into the kitchen, she made way for her computer, the earphones connected to it still pulsing out a lively array of musical scores. With a tiny bit of hesitance, she lifted her laptop from the table on which it sat and plopped onto the floor, placing the computer on her lap. Her legs tucked safely against her body in Indian style, Coco managed to get comfortable, popping the headset in place, and began typing furiously, the clicking of the keys ringing to the same rhythm of the rain.

-----------------

--------------------------

"Ung…." Light flooded the small, metal room, bright enough to arouse the figure sleeping on the silken, opal couch. Whoever was dozing was barely visible, as their entire body was concealed under a thick, hand-sewn quilt, the patchwork coming undone, and raveling at the ends. "What? Wha….what is…..it? What's….going on?" A soft voice ululated from under the covers. It was a peculiar noise, muffled somewhat, but still clear enough so that one would recognize a metallic twinge in the accent. With only this evidence, one would certainly think that the voice belonged to a cyborg or another breed of robotic genius. Given the facts, the speculation may or may not be true. Solely, in a sense yes, but altogether a work of false lunacy.

Twenty-four year old Nitro Gin was as human as anyone, but fate had determined that he would live his later years as a mechanical miracle. Four years earlier, under mysterious circumstances, one of the distinguished physicist's missile projects went haywire and struck him directly in the head, disabling his right ocular cavity and connecting with the right half of his brain. His larynx also suffered immensely from the sheer impact, rendering his vocals useless. The medical staffing was able to reconstruct the live rocket into a cyber life support system by connecting the wires into the synapses of the right side of his brain, therefore connecting the electrical jolts with that sent to the brain cells in similar formation to the ones that feed the brain with information, keeping the heart pumping properly and the limbs of the body functioning adequately as they should. Metal plating was fitted to Nitro's head, covering the majority of the right half of his face, so that the missile would stay firmly in place. The only downfall of the procedure was the fact that the rocket was directly linked to the side of the brain dealing with emotions, and if Nitro ever got angry he would literally blow his top. The smoke billowing from the rocket drifted above the sheets, hovering like an angry cloud in the gray room, smothered by the coldness it radiated. Again the voice came, one of artificiality. "Hey! What….."

"Rise and shine, sleeping beauty!"

"Oh….un…" The disoriented physicist rolled off of the couch in a bundle of blankets, making a thud as he hit the carpeted floor. He remained still for a moment, listening to the other man scuffling about in the laboratory, trying to push the effects of a two-hour sleep from his mind. His left eye blinked open, light filtering through the quilt and into his pupil that was slowly retracting. The robotic eye held much more sensitivity to visual stimuli, so that even the dimmed light caused pain to rampage his head. With a grunt, the covers parted, revealing first a hand, fingers gripping the edges of the blanket tightly, discarding the cloak. N.Gin , as he is called by most, came into clearer view of the intruder, who gave a nice, cackling laugh at the appearance of his colleague. The mop of fiery red hair swept down, disheveled, into Nitro's face, each strand clumped together with millions of others in one huge web of tangles. "I'm up." The metallic voice announced wearily. Smoke still rose into the room, though a trifle blacker, now distinguishable from the gray drab of the walls.

"We have a dire situation." Said the other scientist from the far corner of the area, his yellowish skin dull in the flat stagnant air. His attention was trained upon a large, bright green screen that sat diagonal, sliding back from a panel of blinking buttons and suspicious looking knobs. The white words jumped, vibrant from the background, making N.Gin's head reel with another wave of pain. He stood to his feet, albeit slowly as not to topple over.

Neo Cortex continued to stare at the screen, his face strained with what appeared to be unshackled worry and perplexity. N.Gin wobbled over to his partner, the reality of the situation still not made clear enough for him to share in Neo's apparent anxiety. The heavy-set scientist yawned, his vision still blurred slightly. It always happened in ways such as this. Sometimes it would take long hours for his brain to start functioning, and again sometimes only minutes. Today it felt as if it would take three hours for him to even be able to stop his head from bobbing with ache.

Massaging his temple, Gin replied with another fit of yawns. "Situation? What are you talking about?" As if he thought it would help, Cortex slapped the other man on the back, knocking N.Gin forward, almost causing him to crash against the control panel above, which the information screen was so beautifully displayed. He coughed apologetically and moved on, "It seems as if she has escaped again. Her current location is two o'clock due north, on the outskirts of the forest." He folded his arms tightly across his chest, his fingernails digging into his arms in frustration, a line appearing in the middle of his forehead as his brow furrowed.

"Ah….I see." The other mumbled, moving in closer, still recovering from the blow that Cortex had sent his way. The dull sting still pounded his head, but in spite of that he managed to focus well enough to give proper input on the situation. With a delicate sigh he added, "We'll see if we can't stop her before she reaches her destination." He took a long drag of air into his lungs, shutting his eyes. "I'll get to work on it immediately, Dr. Cortex."

"Good. I want to be assured that this is cleaned up by first thing tomorrow morning." The short scientist turned his back on N.Gin, his arms still folded but his voice piping out softer than before. "Then you can get some sleep." He started for the door, got to the entrance and stopped again, his head turned slightly to take a look over his shoulder. "Don't fail me." And with those words he was gone. The metal door slammed behind him, the noise that it made ringing like a sounding cymbal.

"You can count on that." The lone physicist muttered into the empty room, his voice still slurring from lack of sleep. His dark eyes peered up at the evergreen images flashing on the screen, his tiny hands rubbing themselves together like a fly might do after taking a landing in a favorite spot. "You can certainly count on that."

----------------

Like a steady drum the rain lashed at the earth, and It was growing weary from running, Its bruised heels throbbing. It paused for a moment of restitution of Its strength, one of Its hands tenderly circling a dark purple splotch on the protruding ribcage. Like an animal, It was attentive to any sort of disturbance nearby in its wooded surroundings. The forest enveloped it like the welcoming arms of a mother. An adequate hideaway for dire situations such as the one It was in now. The singsong racket of insects and amphibians soothed Its mind, comforting Its sorrow. Oh, was It full of sorrow. The heart grew fonder over time, but it also grew ever colder, tuning out certain unwanted feeling and guilt. Guilt was such a sensitive subject, falling on the open ears of the unloved. And It certainly was unloved! Not a morsel of compassion would fall at Its marred feet. Ever. And time definitely had no passion to save It. Like a wandering cloud, It would drift in time and out of mind, circulating in such a way that death was no possibility of escape. Contemplating suicide was of no importance. That concept would fail as well. It knew this, and that is why sorrow chose to plague It every second of the turning days. It was miserable in Its existence.

The fog lifted from the ground, pale and translucent as a horde of ghosts. Songs waned and sprang up again to different tunes, all mixed in a conglomeration, an orchestra of the night. The heavens still wept with acrimony. Drumbeats of rain would not cease in the near future. That is, not until everything boiled down to corruption, until the hideaway was destroyed and It was unleashed again. Only then would the sun see fit that the earth deserved a smile. It sighed, a pitiful breath in the humid air, as It slumped to the earth, Its naked body wrapped in the cold, incubating. It grabbed up and handful of mud, hungrily, the cold blue eyes closing in on the darkness and creating new darkness. For now It was safe, even though a million eyes may be watching it. It was safe for now. Only for now…

----------------------

The female bandicoot heard nothing but the soft melodic strains breathing from her headset, her fingers still furiously pressing keys. Aku Aku had still not emerged from the room with Crash, and so she figured that she had no reason to panic. It was typical of her brother to wander into raging storms. It was his nature to be profoundly odd on such subjects. Coco's emerald eyes began to blur; the computer screen unnaturally bright in the dimly lit hut. Fighting back a yawn, she switched the computer off and carefully removed the headpiece, the music now fading, magnifying the sounds in the real world. Thousands of critters chirped and buzzed beyond the window, where the rain had not slacked even for a moment. Glancing at her watch, Coco was surprised at how dark it was outside compared to the hour. 6:03 a.m. shown in bright red on the deep green dial. "I wonder what's keeping those two." The yawn came, and this time she did not try to choke it down, but let it escape rather noisily. Before padding back to the bedroom, she peeked in on Pura. The tiger was sleeping peacefully next to a half eaten wumpa fruit.

Silence in the room as she stepped in clarified that Aku Aku and Crash were down for the night as well. The thick mud was clear of her brother's hands, but his fur still looked slightly wet, glistening in the scarce amount of moonlight that peered through the canopy and into the window. "Guess it's time for me to crash as well." She muttered, another yawn threatening to explode. Her room was only a few steps away, the door shut, decorated with flowers and random other objects she scrounged up during her travels. The door creaked open with ease and she slipped in, nearing the single bed in the far right corner of the room. She sat on it for a second, quietly staring at the wooden walls, tracing the cracks and crevices they held. Like a miniature maze… Before long she found her head resting on the pillow, her eyes closing, her mind drifting off slowly into the comfort of sleep.

------------------------

It was 7 a.m., the perfect time for dozing off after a long night of tedious work and pounding headaches. He had accomplished nearly nothing since Cortex had come barging in on him, interrupting his fitful sleep. She had disappeared into the green thickets approximately 15 minutes after the other man had left, not giving enough time to stop her. He would explain to Cortex later….

"Great…" Came the metallic whine as the weary Nitro lifted his head to see his colleague step into the room.

"I suspect that the situation is under control." Neo stated, his tone of unease making the other man fidget nervously. "Am I correct, N.Gin?" His eyes narrowed as if he were now reading the other scientist's thoughts. A frown widened his lips, pouching them out in an almost hilarious pout. If he weren't so worried, Gin might have laughed at the sight.

The short physicist ringed his hands, "She escaped before I could capture her, doctor." He ran the next sentence together with the first so that Neo wouldn't be given a chance to protest. "But, I'm sure with another half hour of work, I could pinpoint her exact location in the forest and perhaps…." His voice trailed off, heart fluttering weakly.

Neo didn't reply. Instead, he graciously turned his back and sighed loudly. "We'll regroup and try again." He said finally, the softness of his voice reassuring N.Gin that he wasn't too angry at this blunder. "I want a location ASAP. Afterward, we'll dispatch a crew to pick her up." One gloved hand flew up to rub his chin. "We'll have to be cautious. She has some intuition of our plans."

"Yes, doctor." N.Gin muttered, head bowed in respect of his friend's decision not to thoroughly punish him. Suspension from sleep sounded like a pretty light condemnation. He'd just have to catch up on it much later. Rising to his feet, he clapped his hands together, announcing in a much more lively tone than before. "I'll get to work on it immediately, Cortex. I assume that you have expert operatives on hand, ready to jump on the case just as soon as she's found out."

"Correct." Neo listened intently as Gin agreed to follow through. He had always counted on his short friend for nice productivity, but this incident clearly put him at the top of the charts. Nitro would go without sleep just to aid him, and that factor graced a smile upon Cortex's lips. A flash of his rigidly straight teeth spouted off an evil laugh. The other scientist giggled happily as well. "Now that you are in good spirits, I'll leave the work to you while I go and rouse the others. She won't know what hit her." Neo exited the room, leaving Nitro with another workload.

Gin carefully adjusted a few knobs, all the while glancing through a hi-tech eyepiece. She was out there…. Somewhere. He would find her soon enough. "You wanna play hide and seek, huh?" He laughed, tinkering with the bright glowing buttons on the immense operation panel. "Ready or not….here I come!"

------------------------------------

The blazing sun only cast dim lights in the forest, the angry gray clouds smothering it from view. Rain still bolted down from the sky, hitting the ground with a deafening noise. The figure stirred a bit, now uncomfortable with the feeling that someone, or something, was watching It closely, studying Its every breath. With a terrible, rumbling sigh It blinked open the empty eyes, staring out, now able to make out where It had stopped for the night. A clump of bushes brushed Its right leg, beetles running over Its calf and ankle, sometimes biting It, sampling goods. It was leaned up against a tree, a sturdy, thick evergreen, the leaved drowning in Heaven's tears. With a cry It stood and shook off the pestering bugs, stretching Its arms overhead.

Another long day would prove suspenseful. Another day of fleeing, running, dying a little more inside as the pressure of fate weighed upon Its head. Brown strands covered the pale face, the cold eyes looking through them and between them. A rumbling sound excited it, and a thin, emaciated hand patted Its empty stomach. Food. It was hungry.

With a wild howl It flagged down Its prey, a wild boar rooting in the muddy slop of earth, the pig's hind legs stuck under a pool of wet soil. It ate without cooking, crimson blood dribbling down Its mouth, running in streams off of Its pointed chin as the unfortunate swine bleated in pain and agony. The sound of the boar filled Its ears, and Its heart beat harder, faster in turmoil. Why did It have to hurt so badly? Would there ever be an end to these worthless sacrifices?

As the white teeth dug deeper into the animal's stomach, blood spurting out of the wound, washing the corners of Its mouth as the coppery taste of the innocent fueled It, the beast ceased Its whimpering and slacked limply in it's captor's grip. The wild animal was dead at last, and the horrible screaming would plague the figure's ears no longer. The snow-white skin was now blemished with red stain and mud. Tarnished innocence, failed remorse…. It continued to feast, supplying Its stomach with the foul meal. The ice blue eyes, devoid of life, closed on the scene of sacrifice. There they were….the screaming again. It would never be able to silence the shrieking…

If there was such a thing as true peace, it could not be found here.

Not in the mind of the uncorrupted….the countenance of the pure….

Not even in the safe, warm embrace of a hideaway.


END CH 1

Wow, Pretty cool story. For a 7 year old fanfiction its pretty decent. You've got all the basics down the characters are pretty neat, and there are so far no grammar or spelling errors (as far as I can tell).

The only thing I take issue with is dialogue and word choice. Some parts feel like they are missing important details. For example I had no idea it was raining till the beginning of the third paragraph. Or this little gem:

(Her bones ached from the lack of sunshine, ...)

Your choice in words when describing things keep throwing me off. It could be the limiting vocabulary or the fact you don't use the other senses enough. I don't know but you need to remedy this.

(The thick mud was clear of her brother's hands, ...)

This one might actually be an error of the grammatical kind.


Another problem I had was with the analogies made in the story particularly with the IT parts. It doesn't make much sense considering IT goes through what any other person goes through in nature. Nature only cares about survival and stability any and everything else is a bonus if you consider it that. You could make an argument IT was abused by Cortex. But that just raises the question of why you didn't just use that instead of the nature = suck analogy. Try and make almost every event that occurred while IT was in nature give it a flash back and I mean a full flash back not a hinting of a partial one. This would force you to put these differing perspectives on each individual chapter that would be better and not seem so schizophrenic.

Details are nice just need a little more variety in choice of senses. Characters are nice just needs something more to differentiate between characters notably word choice. Please be careful when trying to explain the personalities of the characters. AKU-AKU is the most blatant example telling is not a good way of introducing characters. Coco didn't get this sort of treatment. Try and show things through character interactions not through the narrator.

That is all. And impressive for a 7year old story.

Dialogue is my weakest point. I can describe a character's personality, backstory, feelings, etc. When it comes to writing them interacting with each other, I'm the hugest fail that ever failed. Details and symbolism seem to be where it's at for me. Think old literary authors whose stories focus more on telling through well.....telling Like a biography, then introducing some story, rather than have them speak. I'm also a very abstract writer. I'm better at poetry than storytelling, that's for dang sure.

IT is the main character and most of the story is focused around her. She isn't in nature for very long but moves sporadically between interacting with the other cast and moving on foot. It has flashbacks in later chapters if I remember right. The first chapter just kinda of sets up the situation the characters are all in at the moment instead of moving plot. Again, just like literary authors of old. I think that's why people sometimes find my writing boring. Because I do the whole TELL thing before the ball really gets rolling. Much like why students hate lit class because they think the author writes boringly. I remember one of the older books we read never really got to the plot, just described everything around it for like half the freaking book ;; I loved it but most hated it. Oh well.

I think nature was actually more of a heaven for IT, but still focusing on just base instincts, which is what she was very separated from otherwise. So in a way it was a hell and a heaven. I wanted it to feel like she was more of home there, but yet not at the same time....uh if that can make any sense to anyone else but me ;;...........

Thx for the critique.

You are a great writer and don't beat yourself over it. Problem is I'm more of a fan of details based on location I'm big on that.

I did enjoy your story, It actually felt too fast and spastic because you kept changing perspective multiple times per chapter. Maybe I'm just too used to the "1 or 2 character focus per chapter" shtick. Another thing I'm more of the meta symbolism you know the Unreliable narrator kind of thing (were what details are included or not also pertain to the character or story). So your symbolism by nature thing I partially caught on to but never considered important. Also flash backs would actually prove helpful like I said before especially where certain things seen and done with ITS time in nature cause a flash back, that's just a personal thing so meh.

Its not bad but the constant character focus change keeps throwing me off. Also your lack of detail for locations and certain senses (Smell, taste and touch) could use a little work.

I never knew there was any different way of writing. most fanfictions I read have the scene changes in chapters so I followed the trend? I also cut down my chapter lengths to over half of the original texts back then because I thought it was too long and drawn out. I think my details more of focus on emotions rather than senses, or just visuals because I'm a very visual type person, so thinking and seeing tend to be my niche.

I'm more of a everything has a deeper meaning type deal. Like I won't actually come out and say "This forest represents ___".....I just try to imply it. I tend to have a set of themes I like to use. Some of my favourites are old vs. new, or thoughts vs. emotions, or inner conflicts. I also tend to try to write about against ideals that most people accept.

By the way the only character in this of mine is IT. The rest belong to the uh, Crash Bandicoot series.

Also I think I suck in general. Its nothing YOU'VE said. xD You can read my other posts to know that I think I suck big time.

I'll post a shorter snippet of story from another fanfiction up soon and I might post the rest I have of this one. But I stopped writing around this time in 2004 because of multiple derogatory remarks about my stories and themes so I don't ever have anything new to show for crit. ;; Previously I won an award for my writings at school so I wanted to write until I started getting bashed over the fic I'll post next. Then all of my hopes for that went down the drain and I gave up writing until now I just started wanting to write again.

Awesome!! And no I didn't mean to say "Blatantly state symbolism x". Sorry if it came off that way. What I meant to say was: Not EVERYTHING has to be deep sometimes thing are what they are. I eat because I'm hungry Not because the hunger represents my oppression and me sating it means I've given in. Sometimes simplicity will speak volumes more than subtext. Also what you said is kind of ironic because when I went over the story again I find you sometimes DO state symbolism though not as clearly worded as you state it you do. Here's some excerpts from those "deep" scenes :

"Like an animal,..." "With a wild howl..." "Another day of fleeing, running, dying..."

Very obvious, also I find how it seems to have characteristics similar to a predator(Leaning toward scavenger really since IT found its prey trapped but really a predator would do exactly the same) rather than prey which I find odd it alienates the "Tarnished innocence" thing it doesn't seem to mesh well. Unless that was your point then good job! Reword it so its more subtle. Also so far IT has proven to be quite lucky so far despite its emoness better change that.

I find it funny that you seem to put more effort into ITs scenes than others it's very obvious. Just one example:

(The witchdoctor mask made it known that he was the master of the household, fathering both Coco and Crash with utmost care and love. Despite his rather strict attitude, Aku Aku had the kindest of hearts, always willing to give and reluctant to receive. His voice filled the room with an aura of warmth, even as the freezing rain continued to pelt the roof restlessly.)

Again be careful. I could easily tell that this new character may turn out to be either a Mary Sue or a balanced but unlikable character. Just from the lack of detail in their interactions with each other and blatant telling over showing of character.

I have more to say but I want hear your response first before I continue.

>__< I view everything as very poetically. Its VERY hard for me to stay away from that even in simple character actions. I think that and dialogue are my biggest fails of ALL. Unfortunately I think that's just "how I write" and I'll have to literally force myself to break the habit of combining emotional poetry with story-telling prose.

The reason I did put more emphasis on her is because I'm more comfortable writing her. The other characters are not mine so it's hard for me to fill their shoes. I tend to get shy or uneasy trying to make sure the characters act like the characters from the series. I'm not sure if I want her to be likeable. I mean not really.......She's more of "a problem" for everyone else than anything. I almost want the reader to be semi-annoyed with her, but pity her. She's a bit addled from events and should come off more as leaning towards almost "crazy wild" or "untamed". She is an animal and yet she is not. She has a face and a name but barely remembers. She teeters between being someone rational-thinking and just surviving by instinct.

Also you're going to notice a LOT of picking on N.Gin. His sleep deprivation and constant failures are just the beginning. I was a little mad that he is a fan favourite and everyone basically worships him in their fanfics and makes him godlike, so I wanted to show a side of him where he's a little more self-conscious, feeling inferior, but trying to hold on and the situation making him come unglued little by little. More like the self-destructing madman I perceive him as, I guess.

I'll post the next chapter really soon and you can pick that apart too. I appreciate it all. I'm taking some good notes:

- Read, observe etc. people to see how they interact. Study dialogue flow and form. And how different people use different sets of dialogue "trends" based on personality.

- Minimize the poetry and make the senses more well rounded. Include all the senses and do not focus on one.

- Try to set up a scene (especially important bits) from the beginning instead of sprinkling it around (such as leaving off the raining part until later on).

- Try to "match" symbolism to the scene by dissecting a situation and using it when needed instead of making everything drowned in it to where it becomes confusing or muddled.

Actually I like the making N.Gin the butt-monkey of your story. I actually like that. Be sure to get creative with that status (but don't make it too obvious). Also I.m very proud you're taking this seriously already you've proven to be a better writer than most. Also have you ever considered how detrimental that "instinctive" predatory mentality might be in a civilized situation? Would actually be kind of cool to see that played around with as an extra bonus level to your symbolism.

Also don't be afraid to take liberties with licensed characters, it is a fanfiction after all. Also Its alright to make a character(IT) in this fashion like you've stated but be sure that this character grows and changes (For better or worse) by the end to an acceptable character in their own right. Poetic story telling can be perfect when timed right and in small doses. It can create very touching dramatic moments. And that's obviously your strong point so put your best foot forward every chance you get.

Juxtaposition this fancy word that just means "two things near each other" keep this word in mind when preparing your scenes. This word can be applied both physical (Objects, people) and abstract (Subjects, ideas). Sometimes just simply having two (or more) completely different scenes next to each other will make a reader immediately start comparing them, especially when they have initially nothing in common . Useful for magnification of both scenes and their meanings.

Another important thing word choice sometimes word choice can add to scenes and establish character. The connotation (Reputation of a word) and denotation (Actual dictionary meaning) of a word can speak volumes as well. Seriously this is VERY useful when developing oneshots and secondary characters on the first draft. A very good practice is make a table of all the most common words that come up in a conversation and come up with synonyms that denounce that characters core personality. For example,

My character is insanely proper, speaks in "ye old English" and wouldn't be caught dead using contractions it hints at his dated attitude, workaholic, perfectionist nature and tendency to be VERY cryptic. It makes for some funny moments and as an added bonus his lingo loosens and becomes more direct as his ideals change.

Its very hard and risky to pull off but the payoff is worth it.

Hopes this helps. :3

Very good. Very good for a seven year old story. You've managed to write everything beautifully. My stories from seven years ago I trashed since I considered the horrible so the fact you have a story that aged well is very good looking forward for more. Also if you need any help just ask me or you can check out my fan fic Metal Sorrow to see how I write to give you an idea.

*takes notes for a bit* *proceeds to post the rest of the story* ;; Maybe it gets better as it goes along? Now that the stage is set up I mean.

>>>>>

Chapter 2: Revelation

It was time. From a long slumber, Crash Bandicoot awoke in a daze, blinking rapidly into the sunlight wafting through the open window. The rain had ceased its downpour, exiting into yesterday and discarding with it a fresh aroma. A faint wind blew into the open room, ruffling the curtains and sheets and likewise snipping quickly through the bandicoot's mahogany fur. He stood, shaking the sleep from him, mites and fleas dancing into the air and scrambling desperately to find shelter again. "….ah….." A breath struck him as Coco gleefully waltzed into the small span, her laptop tucked safely underarm.

"Good morning, Crash!" She took a moment to pause and stare out of the hut. "I'm so glad it's quit raining. We can finally go out again!" With a sigh she acknowledged her brother with a stare. "So get your shoes on! We're heading down to the beach to soak up some serious sun before the sky decides to start raining again." Her excited voice ringed throughout the house, bringing Aku Aku to the open doorway. The witch doctor spirit flashed a smile at the marsupials before entering and making his way to the window.

"Quite a day isn't it. I suspected that the storm would let up sooner or later." He commented, almost as if he were talking to himself. But he turned around, nodding to the two bandicoots, his cheery voice booming. "Coco is correct. We'd better go stock up and get some light before another storm arises. I fear that the sunshine won't last too much longer." He whizzed out of the room, Coco bobbing her head to his last few sentences. She casually turned to Crash, hand bouncing on her hip, the laptop held with utmost care in the other.

The female bandicoot laughed, throwing her head back, her blonde hair shining. "Let's get going Crash. I'll meet you at the door once you are ready." She skipped ahead as Crash slowly maneuvered himself to pull on his sneakers and comb his hair. A few times he threw glances toward the outside world as if he knew that the next storm would come sooner than they thought. And after this one, there would be no more sun.

------------------------------

Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say "goodnight" 'till it be morrow….

The book closed with a thump, dust whooshing out from under the tattered covers. One could see that this particular volume had been read many times over. Semi white papers protruded, struggling to stay in proper place as the mammoth crocodile swung it onto the shelf. The library was littered in literature, hardbacks stacked until no end along the wooden structures. It was a magnificent study, one to be compared to the most expensive mansion lounges, with burgundy carpeted floors and desks and tables and chairs that were polished until they glowed. Today a heap of Shakespearean documents and texts smothered a specific crook fancied by the mutant beast.

Dingodile was a ferocious animal, his features consisting of a conglomeration of dingo and crocodile components. Another subject of Cortex's Evolvo-Ray, the dog-faced croc was a civilized brute, gaining in strength and wit where his speed lacked. His brownish skin was splotched with darker color, turning into a nice orange-y hue as it thickened over his stomach and masked his face. Despite his atrocious appearance and obsession with wielding a flamethrower, Dingodile could be a docile creature, indulging in the pleasures of poetry and Shakespeare.

With his ears perked for any upcoming news, he plucked up a book and stuffed his face between the covers, anticipating an exciting summer night's adventure with frolicking fairies and sprites. He read aloud in his prominent Australian accent, the noise echoing off of the elongated shelving. Just a few minutes into the play that Dingodile was so comfortably viewing, the immense double doors swung open, revealing Cortex followed by Tiny and Ripper Roo, two others influenced by the ingenious Evolvo-Ray. The trio marched in his direction like a miniature army going to the battlefront, the doctor in the lead, Tiny the enormous tiger on his master's trail, and Ripper Roo the maniacal kangaroo bouncing, taking up the tail. Each one wore completely different expressions so that Dingodile had massive difficulty trying to realize what was going on. Cortex wore some sort of tight grimace, Tiny had a touch of serenity plastered to his face, and Ripper Roo's gaze remained in its usual disoriented state. "What's going down, mates? Something ran amok? We havin' us a party?" The book went to his side as he turned to the incoming crew, eyes glistening with liquid anticipation.

Cortex's face stuck in a scowl, "SHE has escaped her unit and taken up shelter in the forest on Nsanity Island. failed to stop her before she disappeared from sight and N.Gin is in the main laboratory seeking her out with the Ultra-Telescope. He assured me that he would have her location within the hour, and so…" One of his gloved hands swept around, indicating the other two's presence. "…I have decided on a plan. We'll send you guys in to capture her and reel her into my lab. You'll have to be sneaky or she'll…"

"So, we ARE having us a party!" The text went down on the desk and one hand reached back to unlock the straps holding his prized fame-thrower. With lightening speed, the half dog, half crocodile menace whipped his weapon out, pointing it as if focusing on a target. "One blast with this thing and….."

"NO!" Cortex interrupted, his face screwing up in disgust. "I want her alive."

"But…." The flame-thrower was lowered a bit.

"You heard Cortex." The tiger's booming voice confirmed as he turned his head, his saliva dripping fangs bared. "Tiny don't hurt her, Tiny drag her back to Cortex." He fell silent, waiting for the doctor to give his approval.

The reward didn't come his way. Cortex closed his eyes, his arms crossing themselves. "I need her back here as soon as possible. If you don't do so…." He blinked. "There will be consequences."

" Aye, captain." Dingodile remarked, mentally noting the change in game plan. "We'll drag the bloke back here. No making toast this time, unless we run into a certain marsupial, what, who goes by the name of Crash Bandicoot."

"Crash….yes….." All eyes flew to Cortex as the evil scientist cackled, a new plan yet again forming in his over-sized brain. "We must have the crystals to carry out our experiments. And to get the crystals, we must crush our arch-nemesis. Or perhaps…."

"Perhaps what?"

-------------------------------------------------------------

An annoying clicking sound reverberated off of the metal walls as the panel's green screen displayed an array of locations taken from an X-Ray view of the wooded area. In most of them, the surroundings were empty or showed some of the current wildlife roaming the parameters. However, with his trained eye, Gin caught a glimpse of a figure alien to the world of nature. It was SHE, he was sure, about a quarter of a mile into the green depths. She rested lazily against the trunk of a huge evergreen tree, her eyes closed (from what he could clearly tell) and her limbs slack. "Sleep well, little one." He spoke into the empty room, his hands pressed against her picture, his rounded face softening as he watched her slumber in the sunlight. The sunlight, a thing that he had so hoped for, was the key to her undoing, her revelation. It was the guilt that plagued him that he could not shake away, could not dodge. Because of a single wish on his part, she would undergo much pain and turmoil, strained under Cortex's experiment until she succumbed to his desires or possibly to death…

The scientist choked back a sob at the thought. If it were still raining, the clouds thick and heavy overhead, he might not have sighted her position. The fingers moved a little over her picture before sliding down onto the dark green spaces, but N.Gin's eyes stayed with steadiness on her face. With a new wave of emotion sweeping over him, he took a few seconds to press some of the buttons. Sliding easily, the camera view closed in on the girl's face, her portrait now only consisting of her head area, the features coming into a crisper, clearer view. The dark brown strands of clumpy, muddy hair brushed her pale face, concealing her closed eyes a bit. A thin-bridged nose turned up at the ends, revealing flared nostrils just the perfection of width. Soft, full-pillowed lips parted in an unending sigh over a slightly sloping chin line. Her cheeks were paler than before, sunken in, bruised with purple. Dried blood caked the corners of her mouth and some stuck grotesquely to what was seen of her once polished white teeth. The state she was in drove N.Gin to moan a little out loud, his left eye glittering with a few stray tears. One hand instantaneously wiped the moisture out, his vision now focusing again instead of wavering with bitterness. The eyes on the screen popped open at once, the cold deadness of the translucent blue irises holding the physicist captive, almost casting a knowing glare his way, saying to him "this is because of you." A sting in his chest flurried about and he clutched himself tightly as the eyes stilled over him, accusing, angry….

N.Gin wept.

-------------------------------------------------------

When a bizarre premonition fell like a pall over the canopy, It opened Its eyes, staring ahead for a few moments as the light filtered down through the leafy overhead. Its nose curled as It smelled the fetid stench of old blood, and It remembered clearly the incident that had happened earlier that same morning. Now something was watching as the fine hairs stood on end, prickling up the nape of Its neck, Its gaze directed into the distance from which the feeling came, the strange sensation of being watched closely…

The air smelled of wet, tainting the other aromas that should be in place, overpowering them, knocking them from existence. Just the scent of wet and blood lingered behind. It stood. With a sweep of Its arm, It touched the great trunk that had sheltered It for the night. For the first time since escaping, It spoke, "Thank You." The words floated from the open mouth, the voice of an angelic being, pure yet bold, innocent yet mature. A brief silence followed, the blue eyes straining back in the same way that they had first opened. It was unveiled, unmasked, FOUND… With swift, staccato motions It fled a bit farther into the cavernous green, feet still screaming, the skin still pounding with horrible warmth. One of Its cuts had scabbed over before, but now, as It ran, the wound was reopened, burning in the humid air. A fresh stream of crimson sweated down in a new procession, from the kneecap to the bruised ankle. The soil was grinding between Its toes, the stagnant air suffocating It, making it hard to breath deeply and satisfying the lungs. It was drowning. For the first time, It became aware of Its history, the mind shooting forward a bombardment of pictures and scenes, severed into tiny pieces, almost as if they were nothing but figments. As It ran, Its brain did likewise, like a rolling camera.

First It was cradled in a blackness beyond comprehension, and It felt a sweltering cold settle over it as It opened Its eyes for the first time and saw this thing called life. Flash! It was now in the arms of someone with whom It felt great feelings for, though the face remained a blur, as if It were staring at the figure behind foggy glass. The warm arms enveloped It in comfort and security, gripping It firmly as the figure spoke to It in the politest of ways. Flash! There the figure was again, this time leaning against a metal table, elbows propped, head in hands. It had an aerial view of this, looking from Heavenward down as the one It cared so profoundly for suffered for whatever reason. It wasn't clear about this matter, but Its heart still broke with compassion and downright pity. Flash! It awoke in three stages. First was the acknowledgement of life, the second was the obtaining of feeling, and lastly was the understanding of death. The figure stood slack before It, face still obscured by the mist of Its memory. The mouth was moving, but this time no sound came forward. It strained to hear what the figure had to say and all at once the reflection faded, leaving behind a single word….

"Please."

--------------------------------------------

"What a nice day." The girl bandicoot voiced with much enthusiasm, her laptop set down on the earth with care, her shoes kicked off, and her eyes fluttering with wonder. One of her hands stretched over her head in a light gesture, she nodded to her brother who had taken up a spot on the earth, his back lying on the ground, tongue lolling out of his agape mouth. He seemed transfixed by the sudden change in weather. Coco laughed as a butterfly flitted past her, wings moving gracefully in mid air, propelling it forward. She grabbed at it in attempt to catch it in her open hand, "Come here!" She protested as it darted away from her grasp.

Aku aku hovered a few feet away from the rolling sea, staring into the foamy waves. His thoughts drifted on the open blue, still so far away from ordinary, still chalked full with concern. The events in the past week had sparked him interest in Cortex's whereabouts. They had not heard from him in the past year or so and the peace was all to foreshadow something that would fell their serenity. The thousand year old witch doctor spirit couldn't think a truer thought than this. A greater storm rumbled in the distance, one not of nature's fury.

Crash was aware of the ominous sunny day as well, but he could care less of the haunting feeling tearing through his gut. He would take the day as it came, using it as an advantage to relax before whatever was destined to crack open in the future. With a sigh he steadied his arms behind his head, watching on with hilarity as his sister tried to capture the insect, circling around him, her feet dancing with glee and frustration. His ears pricked up as the baby tiger roared through the door, Polar, Crash's pet polar bear, hot on his trail. Pura's tail waved tauntingly in the cubs face as white paws slashed at it playfully. With a few bound they were out of sight, running into the depths of the forest near the hut.

Coco stopped her flailing and watched them go, then trekked after them shouting, "Hey! Wait for me, Pura!" The lazy male bandicoot sat up abruptly with the intent of following them, willing to participate in the game as well. He stood, spun the dirt from his clothing and fur, and skipped into the green jungle, the wet air clinging to him with adamant claws. He had journeyed a fair distance into the tree infested area when the noise began. The rustling of the leaves indicated an incoming entity. This one was massive, larger than most of the animals that made the forest their habitat, and its speed was astonishing. His heart pounded furiously as he kept his eyes on the bushes, waiting impatiently for the creature to emerge. It stepped into the clearing, white flesh flashing past the bandicoot whose mouth was now shaped into an awed "o". Just as soon as It appeared, It dashed into the next set of brush and dissolved into the green pattern. The sound steadily waned until the only thing Crash could hear was the chirping of birds and the rushing waves of the salty sea.

Aku aku lifted his gaze, noticing that his adopted children were gone. With a calm that surpassed mere placidity, he went in search of them. Cortex would surface soon enough. For now he had to tend to Crash and Coco, and that was duty enough. He caught a glimpse of the figure passing by before he saw the male bandicoot staring in bewilderment. "Crash." The witch doctor stated firmly, his attention now fixed on the fleeting white ghost. "What was that?" He knew that the bandicoot would not answer, indeed, but was talking to himself instead, hoping that he had not witnessed something of Cortex's doing.

"Come back Pura! Polar!" With arms outstretched, Coco tracked the two frolicking cubs down, her eyes directed ahead. She did not see the white presence until she was almost upon It, her body slamming into It with a considerable force. The wind was knocked out of her and her lips parted in a gasp as she dropped to the ground, tumbling head over heels a couple of times before stopping a few feet away, facedown, her mouth gulping in insect filled soil. With a cry of disgust she spat, pushing herself up, bending her elbows and lifting leg to place a knee firmly on the ground. An emerald eye flicked up and another gasp floated on the still air. A pale girl laid on her side just a yard or so away, completely naked, brunette hair in tangles about the oval face, her thin and battered body curled up in fetal position. The marsupial stood, dusted herself off, and took a few cautious steps toward It, mouth slack, eyes wide as she took in the scene. "Hello?" She stuttered weakly, unable to find her voice momentarily.

The other female responded in a grunt, her eyes still screwed firmly shut, lashes brushing the prominent cheeks. The skeletal frame convulsed, arms twitching helplessly as the girl whimpered. "No…no…." The full lips parted in a frightened murmur.

"It's O.K." Coco assured the humanoid lying before her, crouching in position beside the white body. One of her hands curiously found itself trapped in mangled strands of hair. "Let's get you back to my house. Aku Aku will know what to do…." She spoke more so to herself than to the other girl.

"Mmmmm…." The blue eyes popped open, tracing Coco's features as It sat upright. With a movement as quick as lightening, It untangled Coco's hand from Its hair, an alarmed expression hardening Its face. With a harsh tone, It spoke. "Get…get away from me!" Using Its hands, It scooted a few inches back from the bandicoot, keeping Its eyes trained on the talking marsupial. For the first time, It lifted Its head to a degree so that the patches of dried blood could be seen splattered on Its chin and mouth.

Coco gasped at the realization. "You're hurt."

"No." It shook Its head in reply, fists pummeling the ground nervously, dirt caking under Its yellow fingernails. The ends of the nails were split horribly, torn and weathered by time.

"You're bleeding." The other protested, trying to inch closer without scaring the human girl. A softness in her voice kept It in place, this time making no moves to hastily flee.

With a hum, the figure replied. "I ate."

Coco looked appalled, her emerald eyes widening to their fullest. Then she spoke with utmost concern. "We'll get you something good to eat. We'll get you some clothes."

It had not thought about clothing in a long time, living freely, cloaked by the shadows of the world. Its skin had adapted to both extremities of heat and cold, Its feet toughened by slapping over rock and thorn. The camera had stopped as soon as the impact had knocked It to the ground, the last word ringing in Its ears. "Please…." That's what the figure had said. "Please." Finding Coco's reasoning to be plausible, It nodded, "Clothes." It spoke gently, almost in interrogative format. "Clothing?"

"Yes, clothing."

After debating the possibilities It had, It stood up and extended a hand toward the bandicoot. A new smile graced Its parched lips, a flake of dried blood drifting to the ground as It did so. Coco lifted her head, one of her arms reaching upward, her hand fitting into Its nicely, perfectly. It was in this moment that It found another sense of innocence, another path filled with compassion. Perhaps It would be received here. Perhaps not. But nevertheless….

Perhaps.

------------------------------------------------------

One moment she was present and in the next she was gone from the watch of the eyepiece. N.Gin hadn't witnessed her departure, but had fallen asleep carelessly to soothe his sore head. His flop of fiery red hair brushed the metal table he rested his upper half upon, hands curled neatly under his chin, elbows extended in both directions. Because he was so short, his petite legs left his feet dangling inches from the gray floor. His headache had worsened after he wept, almost to something fierce and unbearable. The excruciating pain forced him into a restless slumber, thoughts of her still recurring in his brain, bringing the throbbing into his unconscious state. There in the dreamlike state, the suffering was dulled even if just a trifle. One of his fingers twitched involuntarily into a puddle of slaver that had trickled from his somewhat slack lips.

"…" Something pressed hard against his shoulder. He felt himself floating upward, swimming back into consciousness. Nitro struggled to stay asleep for better benefit, afraid of the consequences of waking up and facing reality. She would not be coming back to him. Ever. Three years ago he had signed her over to Cortex for the doctor's experimental pleasures and she had left him with a myriad of scars. Her very being was corrupted by countless tests and her introduction to chemical therapy. She would never reemerge from her years spent in isolation. But she would always be his. No matter what happened, she would belong to him. "!" His shoulder rocked again, this time sending a burning sensation up his arm, touching lightly his neck and shooting back down again.

"Wake up, fool!"

Hesitantly, the physicist rose and stared into the eyes of Cortex sleepily, the light from the overhead fixtures nearly blinding him instantly. While giving his sight a moment to return he sighed. "What is it, doctor?" First the big N that was stamped onto his boss' forehead appeared, followed by a thick brow, eyes, lips….

"You said that you'd have her location pinpointed within' the hour." Came the impatient reply, the sound of fingers drumming metal overwhelming in the hollow quiet of the lab room. "It's been twice that already. I expect that you have successfully found her?" It was a question that Nitro had no intention of answering with truth, but he secretly feared Cortex's wrath, knowing how angry the scientist could become if provoked.

"Yes, Dr. Cortex." The vision was back, one hundred percent, and his gaze drifted to the bright green screen over the bleeping panel of buttons. "She was just there, resting about four miles inward. I had the camera directed on her." His heart leaped in joy as he realized that she had moved again and that her face was not present on the display. "She's gone now." He mentioned, and Cortex followed his gaze. Nitro didn't know whether to rejoice or to cower in fear.

Neo pounded his fist onto the table, jolting upright. "Idiot! You were supposed to be watching for her!" He slowly rose to his feet, narrowed eyes on his colleague.

The chair that seated Nitro toppled over and the physicist spilled onto the floor, his missile slamming the metal with sickening force. Tears sprang into the shorter man's eyes at the impact. N.Gin fought to regain his footing, but Cortex had already flown around the table and was staring down at him like a hungry hawk eying its prey. A booted foot connected with the missile and another wave of pain sparked into Nitro's head, this time erupting a shocked howl from his mouth. The foot slammed down upon him again, so fast that the physicist had no time to react. His head was now shattering in sweltering liquid hot agony, and the sound that burst from him this time came feebly.

"Please….no more….stop…" The hoarse voice choked, metallic twinge tremulous.

The blows ceased and opened up his eyes, his vision dark for a moment in the right side. Neo huffed in aggravation and agitation. "I gave you clear orders….."

"Yes doctor."

"And I expected them to be followed as planned."

"I understand doctor, but…"

"You have failed me again ."

"I know." N.Gin picked himself up to look eye to eye with Cortex, his face red, flustered. "I give you my sincerest apologies."

The other scientist's breaths came out less strained as his temper calmed, flattened out. Finally the eyes focused and Neo folded his arms against his thin chest, apparently still upset but not as angry as before. He scrunched up his face in disapproval. "Apologies accepted under one condition."

Gin fidgeted, his hands wringing themselves again and again in an unending cycle. "Yes? What conditions, doctor?"

"You'll find her again and not lose her, and then…"

N.Gin gulped.

Cortex's lips lifted in an evil, malicious smile. He pointed to his friend with a stiff rigidity. "You'll go with my team to capture her yourself. She'll listen to you more, and perhaps you'll be bale to coerce her into our hands without the situation ending in a struggle."

"No!" Nitro shook his head in disbelief of Cortex's command. A hand flew up to his temple, massaging it roughly, the fingers taught with stress. "You can't…you wouldn't!"

Neo disregarded the protest, adding, "And see if you can find some certain marsupial nuisance in the process."

"Crash Bandicoot…" mused, still in denial that his friend would ask such a favour of him.

"Exactly. Now be a good boy and run along. Find her ASAP. I expect no mistakes this time." The doctor crossed the distance to the open door.

"But Cortex!"

"Have fun." The door slammed in the undersized man's face as he worked his hands, his head clearing of the shade that had advanced over it. Truth wandered in and wrenched his heart in its authoritative grasp, twisting and revolving until could stand it no more. The pulsating halted its annoyance and he was liberated again, but his face was soaked in the sweat of emotional pressure. She would have to fall into his hands again, for all of the wrong reasons. He wanted to hold her close to his bosom, caress her strikingly angelic face, and murmur a million secrets in her ear, all while securing her in his heart, never to let her fly away from that one confinement. She would melt into him, converge with his subsistence, drink of him eternally in freedom. Only she could satiate his thirst and allow him to breathe in contentment. He would in turn protect her, like a heaven for the heart, concealing the revelation, turning back the vindictive hands of time that had murdered her ability to survive in peace.

Together they would escape the demon of this partition.

Together they would.

Together…

End CH.2

Just as I expected. Your story is still good. You do a marvelous job keeping all the character's personalities intact. I see you're aiming for Cortex's darker side rather than his comedic. Keep on writing. This story keeps getting better.

Well I never wrote any of this recently. It's still from the end of 2004 . I'll get up through chapter 5 eventually posted. I'll read your story, just noticed your post o.O I'm a blind idiot. I've read some of the fics here already but because I suck at writing, I can't ever really offer any help so I always think my comments are useless ........So I sit at the reply page then just leave it alone. xD

That's okay. I let people read my story so they can get some ideas. It's okay if you don't comment on it. Just happy to help.

Planning on posting more of your work? I would love to see how this progresses. It might even invalidate some of my previous critique. Be forewarned I'm a very idealistic optimist. Angsty drama is something I'm very picky about. So don't seem surprised if I'm unimpressed.

Post more please, would love to see how this plays out.