darkSpyro

Hey. I wrote some poems and i want some feed back on them. Good and bad if you can.

Lost

Lost,
Lost is what we are,
What the world has come too,
Our world is lost as the cars drive past us,
As the tree's fall down,
We are lost as the world turns round,
Lost as we walk,
Lost as the war,
Will we ever find what were looking for?
Will we find world peace?
Will the world be found?
Will the earth recover?
Life is hard because were lost,
Lost in the mind,
Lost in the soul,
Lost of life,
Life is hard because the world is lost,
Lost in car fumes,
Lost in houses,
Lost in garbage,
Will we ever be found?

Mans best freind

We live with them,
We eat with them,
We praise them with our touch,
We couldn't live without them,
Ears prik up when they hear you call,
Or when a supsous man is near,
They keep our secrets and faults,
And will not tell a soul,
They sleep with you,
They work for you,
The blind see with them,
The dafe can hear,
And Escomo's mush them threw the snow,
But there most important job is to love all and all,
We live with them,
We eat with them,
We praise them with our touch,
We couldn't live without them.

Bored

Nothing left to do,
Nothing left to say,
Bored sitting here like a run down shoe,
We try to make our own fun,
But fail misrably,
There is nothing new we could do,
All the old times flash threw my head,
Im thinking of all the good times ive had,
At times it makes me mad,
Thinking that i used to have fun with what i had,
And now i sit here bored out of my mind,
But all the times i used to have,
Entertain me,
I lagh in joy,
But now i cry,
Theres nothing left to do,
But sit here like a run down shoe.

So what do you think of them?

Pretty good. I liked the second one.

Thanks. Anything i could work on?

Hmm... I don't know.

Your sure?

Another one:

Felion

We love them,
We hate them,
Some think there a pest,
They love you,
They hate you,
Some scrtch the one they detest,
We pat them,
They pure at the touch,
We play with them,
They run around with joy,
While were asleep at night,
There up and on the prowl,
There big green eyes glow in sight,
But when there done,
They come to us with a pure,
They crawl onto your bed,
The felion is here.

I like the Felion one. :3 And the Mans best friend. They're all awsome.

Thanks! Anything i could improve on?

Also here another one:

We all fall one day

We try to eat healthy,
We try to work hard,
Wetry to be active,
But in the end,
We all fall one day,
No matter what we do,
No matter what we say,
Nobody will never net fall,
Why are we here?
Whats there to say?
It doesn't matter who yuo are,
We all fall one day,
It's a netter of when,
And ware,
We all fall one day.

I think Felion is spelt 'Feline' but that about it. xD

Awsome one, if a little sad. xD

Oh.

I know it sad. Bit its true. We all die.

Mmm. Yeah, its true.

These poem are just what i feel deeply for.

I loved the one about cats.

Thanks!

Once again is there anything i could improve on?

The only thing I can see is spelling errors...

Good poems!!

Thanks! Any thing i could work on aside form spelling?

Lol not really. Have you ever written a rhyming poem, or are you strictly free-verse? That's how I am most of the time, unless rhym is required in class or something. Lol

Mostly free-verse, i usally wont ryme a poem and even when the school askes me torymei genarly dont do it but still get good marks. There is 1 pome that i made that kinda rymes it the very first one i ever made i dont know it by hart ill try to find it later.

You could write a book with these poems...they really bealttiful

Thanks you so much! It means alot! Anything i could improve on?

Nope... they're really good

Thanks!

I like the second one (man's best friend) and Felion. (I think it's spelled 'feline' but I'm not sure)

Thanks! Aside form spellin' anythig i could work/improve on?

The only thing I can think of is fleshing out the ideas even more.

Please clear up for me.

'Fleshing out an idea' is really working hard to get the most out of its potential.

Ohhhhh.........

cool!

Thanks! Wich is you favorite?

I don't know, I like them all, really!

Lol. Thanks.

yay!!

I love all the poems.

Here's a suggestion: Can you do more about animals?

Lol. Sure.

I love animals....

Lol..

Here's another one. I dont have a title for it yet but here it is.

What I see,
What I hear,
What I know,
It could scar you all,
The pain I feel,
Is not my own,
I want to help them,
They want me dead,
There in me,
And I feel there pain,
There loses,
There deaths,
I know to much for comfort,
They are long forgotten,
Long lost,
Long dead,
I feel lost,
I feel that there lost,
They controll me,
And i want them gone,
I want to help them,
They want me dead.

yay ! awsome poems !

Thanks.

2 more, both untitled.

Poem 1

I feel so alone,
I feel so afraid,
I want help,
But theres nothing to fix,
There's nothing you can do,
There's nothing you can say,
I wake up in the morning,
Wondering how this could fo happend,
Wondering what I should say,
Should i lie for the loved one?
Or should i tell the truth,
And make you pay?
You wont belive me,
You'll think im crazy,
You'll think im insane,
I feel so alone,
I feel so afraid.

Poem 2

I want the pain to go,
I want the sadness gone,
I want him to come back,
But he'll never show,
I sit by the window,
I wach the the rain drip down the glass,
I wait for the message,
But it'll never come,
He left without warning,
I wish i said goodbye,
I wish i could see him just one last time,
I wish he'll come back,
But he'll never show.

Hello...?

These are good.

they are all good poems, but a little depressing. Kind of like most of mine.

Thanks...

Also NB could i read some of your poems?

Well, they are good.

And your point is...?

Also my teacher read soem of theses poems and he said i should go into te talent show reading my poems....

those r good. u shuld write more.

Thanks.

I write when i have a stong feeling at the moment and ill start writing. So the next time i feel down in the dumps, or when i finnished waching some show aobut our world or it's history(Refering to my poem 'Lost'), or when im feeling like theres ntohing in the world that could make me happyer, you'll exspect to see more poems. So saying that, you'll exspect at least one more to be up by tomorrow.