darkSpyro

Hello.

Recently I've been dealing with some very personal problems that have been making me reflect on my past here in this community and the people in it. I've posted something like this a few times in the past throughout the years but I think it's time I say something publicly and more directly instead of saying it in passing.

I have a lot of guilt, shame, and regret for how I handled and presented myself here. On the site, on the community server, on everything. I was a horrible person to so many people, getting into fights with users in the community and lashing out at people with long, elaborate posts, sometimes over things that ultimately did not matter very much such as in the video game section. And even in situations where people told me my frustrations and reactions were justified, I keep looking back at them knowing I should have handled things much differently. I was constantly and consistently immature. I never fully thought through the ramifications of what I was saying on a regular basis. Sometimes I would say something just to get a reaction out of people, other times I let my emotions get to me and let them speak first before letting my reasoning speak first. It was impulsive, and I let the anonymity get to my head and turn me into someone I didn't want to be. I did this a lot when I was a teenager on here, and I let it carry over to when I was becoming an adult. I tried leaving a couple times to get better, but the truth is that until the past year or so, I never really acted on it, whether it was because I didn't have the means to do so, or I felt I couldn't find anything and I was beyond and undeserving of help.

I want to apologize to anyone here who was affected by that. I want to apologize to the people I yelled at, or "got nuclear" with because of my anger. I want to apologize for the things I said just to get reactions out of people, even after I was a teenager when I should have been well past that kind of behavior. I was an angry and emotional person, and I let a lot of that lash out towards people here. I wanted to keep telling myself that I was always more mature than most people and felt like I knew everything, when as I get older I realize how immature I was and that to this day I still don't know everything. I should have been more responsible with how I acted and presented myself instead of this vitriolic person I used to be, especially when I used to be a moderator at one point. I feel I let that power get to my head more often than I want to admit, and I should have been more responsible about it. I was never this confrontational in real life, and it wasn't fair to use this place as a platform where I could do that uncontrollably. I hate the person I used to be and even dislike the person I was as recently as a couple years ago. I'm trying my hardest to do better and become better.

I know posting this may be far too late, since the site isn't really active anymore and most people have moved on. I know some people may point to my poor mental health right now as I've discussed with some of the community separately as to why I'm even posting this. Things have been really rough and I can't stop myself from ruminating over a ton of things, one of them being my past here and how I acted. The guilt and shame I have from my behavior here has built up over the years, and it's why I've occasionally apologized for it and/or mocked it in the past, but I regret not tackling it more directly sooner.

But I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself without at least posting something and addressing it. I may not be able to speak to everyone I've affected since they've likely long moved on, and probably don't even think about this place altogether anymore, but I don't want to look back and say I didn't at least try.

For those who are reading this and have no clue what I'm talking about, and/or aren't affected by anything I'm saying here, this post isn't for you. This is for those who are still here that my actions have affected, or for those who left and may come back, remembering what happened. If there was anything I did and/or said that made things worse for them, they deserve closure.

For those who were affected, I am sorry. I'm sorry for blowing up and yelling at so many people. I'm sorry for getting into arguments with people, sometimes over junk that didn't really matter. I'm sorry if I ever said or did anything that was out of line or made you feel worse than it did better.

I'm sorry for how I acted during the entire situation involving phoenix and gharlant. I may not have liked what happened, I may hate what you did to me and/or other people in the site, and some people will say what I did and said was justified given the situation, but I know there were better and more mature ways I could have handled myself beyond angrily yelling at someone who was dealing with what phoenix was dealing with around that time. I even did that beforehand, but I still let my anger and emotions eventually get to me instead.

I'm sorry for how I acted when it came to other community members who were problematic, such as MugoUrth or Zap. I may not have liked them, but the truth was that I was acting just as outrageous and lashed out just as much, especially when it came to MugoUrth.

I'm sure there are other small moments here and there from my past that I might not be thinking of. I'm sorry to sonicbrawler for the stupid arguments I started with you in the video game section of the forum. I wanted to call it discussion or debate, but it was never that. I shouldn't have engaged in ways that I knew would get under your skin. There's so many little things across my decade plus time of being here and it kills me not knowing or remembering if there were any other things I did that affected people here negatively because of my impulsive and immature behavior.

I don't want validation that everything I'm talking about isn't true, because I know that's a lie. I know some of the things I said and did led to some better things, such as what happened with that open letter I made back in 2019. But I could have handled it way more maturely than name dropping people I had a problem with and using that as a means to rally people. I may have been going through my own problems, but I still should have known better than to act as reactionary as I did.

Again, I know part of me posting this is because I'm dealing with very heavy mental health problems recently, but these are all things that have weighed me down for years. I'm tired of avoiding it. I was a toxic person, I could be a real bully, and no one here deserved to be the centerpiece for that. Maybe I'm misremembering how things actually happened and they weren't as bad as I'm making them out to be. Given what I'm dealing with right now, that's entirely possible. There's a ton of memories I've been constantly ruminating over and/or misremembering that some days I can't even tell if some of them actually happened or not. But seeing as how this is something that has at least bothered me in the years since I left the website, I feel that it's something I at least want/need to directly confront, even if the reality is that it wasn't as bad as my head is making it out to be.

No one is making me say this, no one is forcing me to say it. I want to say all of this with my free will. I'm trying and working on becoming a better person than I was, even as recently as a couple years ago. While some of the things I've discovered about myself as far as mental conditions go present an explanation for why I acted the way I did(which I will keep private), they aren't and shouldn't be an excuse for being so angry and immature with people here.

I am so sorry for my past actions, and I am so sorry to anyone who was caught in the crossfire of my anger, immaturity, and/or impulsiveness. I may never know if anyone I affected can or will forgive me-some days I can't even forgive myself for being such a vitriolic and toxic person to some people on here, even my own friends- but I hope at the very least, this offers some form of closure to you.

Thank you for reading this and hearing me out. This may be the last time I post directly on this website. I can't say that with certainty of course, but I know I have to move on from this website for good at some point. And if my last post here is to apologize for my past actions and apologize for being a bully to so many people, then I'm okay with that.

Greetings, unaffected user here: Regardless of being involved, it should still be noted that this is a big step for you. While I am not familiar with the addressed information/incidents, I can at least say that you being able to look back and recognize your faults is something too many people are lacking. I've also been reflecting on my past, while nothing terribly eventful, I still have my moments where I realize I, too, could have handled things better. While I never said anything to instigate anything intentionally, there are still plenty of things I would word differently today. Regardless of how many people may read this, I bet this was a weight lifted from your chest to address it openly.