darkSpyro

Hey guys, just before I start know this is for humor and any bias or opinions can be disagreed with obvs, this is purely for entertainment

I've decided to do a movie recap every day for those of you that are cinematically impaired and haven't seen classics movies. Today we're starting with Jurassic Park 2, a movie after my own heart, ykno, if my heart liked movies that are kinda okay for drinking games whenever jeff goldblum uh, uh uh, um uh, he uh stu-he stutters

onto the recap

K so Jurassic park 2, hey remember Jurassic park one where there were all these cool beautiful scenery and wondrous creatures well Jurassic park two has lots of colorful scenery in Jeff goldblums for some reason super black daughter who goes on a mission with Jeff Goldblum commissioned by a dying John Hammond who for some reason thinks research is cool on this second island because the trex eating a man in a bathroom in the first movie wasn't enough to deter him from the thought. Jeff goldblums daughter sneaks away with him some dude who nobody cares about despite being the best character in the movie somehow, jeff goldblums kinda hot girlfriend who is presumably his like, twenty eighth lover so even if she had been crucified on a stego's tail spike he would have found another lover quick and Vince Vaughn who was clearly at the peak of his two second career where he was known as "that one guy in that Ben stiller movie"
Theres bad guys who wanna make a zoo? or something? and they trap some pachycephalosaurus in a cage and for some reason they dont headbutt out, anyways there's also these hippies but rip in pieces hippie if you know what im saying, the bald guy who may have no been bald and my memory is deceiving me dies saving everyone cuz they decided to steal a baby trex in the middle of the night instead of ykno, protecting the human kid, the parents, obviously very understanding and thankful **** them all up and almost knock them off a cliff because for some reason they put their camp next to a ****ing cliff. They capture and bring a trex to america completely forgetting Jurassic park 1 and what happened and they airlift it to new york cuz why the **** not we won't be arrested for this, it eats a dog which is the worst scene in the movie but it's okay cuz I have it in good authority the dog broke out, which end of the trex im not sure. They stop the trex somehow? through friendship or some **** after lots of obvious leftover budget scenes and then Jeff goldbum maybe gets the girl, also his daughter literally uses acrobatics to kick a raptor out a ****ing window cuz the script somehow got past the higher ups

hope you enjoyed my recap, see you tomorrow

antman next please

Do Highlander please.

glad you made this, cool!

*sits patiently with popcorn*

do the room

do cool cat saves the kids next

Glad you're all enthusiastic. Next one will be long one and one of my favorite movies so hold onto your butts for today's review.

super excited for this

Alright guys this one is one of my favorite movies: Face/Off Starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. This recap covers the entire movie so spoilers. I worked really hard on this so i hope you actually read and like it even tho it's long. This is a legit recap with humor thrown in but it also gets serious at some points just in case any of you actually wanna know about the movie and not my unfunny quips.

John Travolta takes a day off from dressing in drag and talking about french cheeseburgers to go on a merry go round with a kid we can only hope is his blood relative and not some child he lured with the intention to grease their lightning. Nicolas cage, whose mustache they forgot to very poorly digitally remove (oops, burn) shoots him through the body and kills the kid he's hugging and now we have our hero motivation, yay.
So Travolta is now part of a covert anti terrorist agency and is also apparently part of the sugar pill test group of the new xanax because holy froot loops Batman is this boi mad. Travolta and his token black teammate are hunting castor troy and his brother pollux, both named after characters in Roman mythology born from eggs which makes perfect sense because literally who doesn't think Nicolas cage was born from an egg?

Disguised as a pastor (more like pastor troy amirite) castor plants a bomb in a bell or something I dunno I looked away from the screen. Cue some sweet-ass golden guns, cage tying his brothers shoelaces and the best movie line ever "Ykno I can eat a peach for hours" there's a car chase (Well cars chase his plane) long story short they get cage's brother and cage is knocked the **** out into a coma by being thrown into a mesh cage by a blazing jet engine.
At home travolta has a daughter who is kind of a slutty asshole and a wife who is kinda boring and at work he's still pissy and now they find a floppy disk with the plans for the nuclear weapon in the church

"Listen man" says some scientist people, "this is the future with floppy disks and the ability to create body parts with ****ing lasers, ability to make vocal cords sound like Nicolas cage's and sassy black sidekicks, let's switch your faces"
Travolta calls them ****nut insane and goes to interview people
Castor has a hot girlfriend but she won't give anything up about the bomb even after Travolta threatens taking her kid.
He goes to the brother of the girl who kinds looks like John malkovich ****ed an even balder bald guy who also kinda looked like John malkovich but gets nothing
Travolta agrees to take his face....off. he can't tell his wife or the commander so who wants to bet everyone who knows dies? Everyone wants to bet that? Okay. Me too.

travolta tells his wife bye bye birdie and gives his friend tito his wedding ring and then science and he looks like nicolas cage, so now john travolta looks like nicolas cage and nicolas cage looks like nicolas cage but without a face because they took his face....off. He tells them when they change him back to put the scar from the bullet as it's a reminder.

Travolta now cage has a microchip on his larynx and they do science stuff and now he sounds like cage, only way to tell them apart is their blood types which are different, so all is well and good until the fire nation att-...wrong movie. All is well and good except it isnt cuz he has six days to find where this bomb is, MAYBE IF HE WATCHED THE START OF HIS OWN MOVIE HE'D KNOW....but that's some fourth wall **** so he can't. TIto rubs nicolas's (We'll call travolta nicolas now) face and then he goes on a chopper and he's put into a prison that barely anybody knows exists so that he can get information on the bomb from Pollux, also everyone has to wear magnet boots.
He beats the **** out of some dude who attacks him to convince Pollux he's the real deal (but also how would he be suspicious who would assume someone switched his face) but actually that might happen now because uh. OHHHHH. Faceless OG Nicolas Cage just ****ing woke from his coma cuz well, we need to drive the plot somehow. He sees travolta's face, notices his is gone and then he makes a call and produces some bird noises. He gets his men to bring in the doctor and guess what happens? he forces him to make him john travolta and then he kills him

back in prison nicolas er travolta? ...****, travolta as nicolas finds out from pollux where the bomb is and it's not a church im a liar it's the LA convention center. So...End of movie right? Except no because nicolas cage as john travolta comes to visit jon travolta as nicolas cage in prison. Okay, jon travolta we'll now call cage and nicolas cage we'll now call travolta in an attempt to cause less confusion.
Anyways, travolta killed tito, the girl scientist and the guy scientist and is now wearing the real travolta's wedding ring. Oh and now no one knows the truth except the two of them.
Travolta goes to real travolta's home and finds his wifes diary showing that they haven't sexed in two months. Travolta then bonds with real travolta's daughter by smoking with her.
Here's the problem tho, travolta lets pollux, who now knows, outta prison for obvious reasons, he tells pollux to confess to the bomb location so travolta can become an american hero and garner trust and respect and power.

the bomb squad cant figure it out so travolta does it cuz ykno, his brother built the bomb, of course he takes his sweet-ass time and leaves 2 seconds on the clock
it's broadcasted in the prison so now cage knows that travolta is stealing his life and now wants to 'steal' his wife. W-Cuz-w-through sex. Which he does.
Cage still in prison finds out that they can get the metal boots off but only in the cell before they fry your brain so he beats the **** out of some guards to get the chair. Which happens. But the guy who attacked him earlier who he beat up when he first arrive (Who wont die cuz he's too big for the shock. and also whos sister and wife the real cage ****ed) That dude is thrown off the chair and cage convinces him to help him escape and they start to do that, cage overloads the prisons systems but the guy helping him is killed. Cage makes it to the roof only to find that the entire prison is surrounded by water and there's no chopper to hijack

A chopper then does appear but with guards shooting at him so cage jumps into the water and somehow doesn't die cuz we wouldnt really have a movie would we?
back at the travolta residence we find out it's the real travolta's dead sons birthday who is named Mikey probably because it was the eighties and TMNT was a sick show.
At work Travolta is inform Castor is dead but he is castor so that'd be kinda weird if he was haha right? anyways, he demands a body but they have none and cage has made it to land and gotten a car by the grace of god and also the director John Woo. Cage finds a car with a deus ex ma-I mean that conveniently has a phone and calls his wife and tells her to take their daughter and leave but she doesnt believe him (also she works at a hospital that's important) he calls travolta and now travolta is piiiiiisssseeeeddd. Suckily there's a manhunt for cage but good for cage he knows everything about castor from hunting him for years and he goes to his hideout and finds castor's girlfriends brother Diedrich...Confusing I know.

Diedrich gives Cage a suitcase with his belongins, some pills, blunts, wad of cash, chiklets (holy **** remember chiklets?) and his golden guns. Someone spikes his drink, but they assume cage knows cuz it's the norm with how he likes his water, but this cage has no idea. Instead of leaving the country he tells Dierdrich he isn't going anywhere until he gets Archer A.K.A Travolta (who I assume was the influence for the show Archer cuz it's uncanny) His lackeys question him but since he's actually archer he knows everything to get to him. He explains when they catch him they're going to take his face.....off. Diedrich queries on his taking archer's face.....off and cage reiterates he wants to take archer's face....off.

also kinda important the entire movie the real travolta and his family have this thing where they put their hand on eachothers faces and brush it down as some sign of love, okay back to the movie, Sasha (Castor's girlfriend) shows up after thinking castor was dead and slaps him (I'd let her slap me tbh gotdamn) which to be honest should have been done to him in ghost rider 2 because maybe he would have come to his senses and stopped making ghost rider 2
Travolta explains over the phone to pollux he wants to use the governments resources to take out any of their competitors and then try and get his face back. Real Travolta's daughter shows up and her boyfriend who looks scarily like Hyde from That 70's Show tries to rape her but Travolta goes all Street Fighter Bonus Stage and slams the heck out of his car with the boy.

Travolta and real travolta's daughter Jamie have a heart to heart (kind of) and Travolta gives Jamie a switchblade and tells her if she ever gets raped again to stab it into his thigh and twist it so the wound wont close. This clearly won't be relevent later on *rolls eyes*
Sasha tries to convince cage to leave and then starts kissing him, he doesnt stop at first because his psyche is switching and he's starting to believe more and more he's actually castor. He comes to his senses and Sasha tells him to leave because they'll take her son away if they find out she's harboring him. Pollux is watching cage, because watching his brothers arch nemesis in his brothers body making out with his brothers girlfriend is his fetish, and finds out where he is and calls travolta.
Cage tries to apologize to Sasha for all the horrible stuff the real cage did and then when Sasha's son comes into the room she reveals he's the father...Well, n-Cage is the father, not Cage but real Cage, Castor.

Cage confusing the boy with his dead son freaks out and starts calling him Michael and scaring him. But honestly I'd be upset too if my other son wasn't named after Raphael to go with the turtle theme. But the reunion is cut short when the anti terrorist group attacks the compound killing lots of people to Over the Rainbow playing on the kids headphones, which is p cool cuz it's like a rainbow of blood! even tho rainbows...they...they have more than one color so it's not really a rainbow of blood is it more like an explosion of blood. Sasha doesn't want the kind of life she led for her son. Cage finds one of his anti terrorism teammates there and fakes shooting him. Travolta shows up and tries to kill castor but then aims at the kid i guess? it's kinda confusing but Diedrich gets in the way and Diedrich dies.
Travolta and Cage have a talk and travolta tries to convince cage to switch faces but they have a shootout instead.
Cage tries to get away and grabs a rope on a construction place thing i guess and Pollux goes to stop him but gets knocked into a glass ceiling and falls down to his death. Travolta, extremely upset at his brothers death, notices pollux's untied shoelace and ties it. And thankfully I didn't get the role of Archer because i didn't learn how to tie my shoes until I was like 18.

The director of the anti terrorism place comes to yell at archer for how crazy he's being and noticing he is having heart pains, he tells the director his secret and kills him in the guise of a heart attack which i wish someone would do to mia khalifa at this point cuz literally shut up you dont know anything about anything...ahem, anyways.
cage goes to his real home and finds his wife and tries to convince her but he looks like cage so she isn't having any of it, he tells her things only he could know. He explains what the mission was but she still doesnt believe him. He tells her about the blood types, how he's O- and Caster is AB but doesnt give her any blood so that's kinda ****ing useless. But to be fair I wouldn't give her my blood anyways because if people can switch faces in this world then she might drink the blood and get a taste for it and then get the vampiric disease and that's...I have no idea why I went on this tangent.
the wife takes travolta's blood while he sleeps and she finds out that his blood doesnt match the real travolta's blood. Cage meets her in the hospital and she pulls a gun on her but he does the hand face thing and she believes him now after he recalls their first date.
Travolta comes to the hospital but cage hides and the wife covers, just like travolta was under the covers with cage's wife heyo.
Travolta and the wife go to the director's funeral which the wife told Cage about so Cage goes aswell and now it's turning into a real Cage match haha.
Cage has some little kid deliver a picture of his dead son to Travolta so now they know each other are both there. After the funeral they have a brief shootout and travolta has the wife hostage and the daughter is on the way.

Now Sasha shows up but doesnt know still, travolta tries to convince her but she aint having any of it. Cage has his gun to travolta, travolta to the wife, sasha to travolta and travolta's goon as cage, so I guess it's like... a Mexican st-..A....What's it called when there's four? A...An Australia standoff? A quatro standoff? They're having a standoff.

The henchmen and Sasha die and she begs Castor not to let him grow up to be like them. Jamie shows up in the middle of the fight (Uh. Ohhhhh.) and when Cage has the upper hand Jamie grabs a gun and aims it at them, cage has travolta in a headlock (kinky) and cage's voice chip was dislodged so he sounds like travolta again. He tries to convince Jamie but Travolta brings up Mikey and Jamie shoots Cage's shoulder. But uh oh cuz now travolta has jamie and a gun to her head. He starts to lick her face and it's ironic cuz the rape knife he gave her comes in handy, she stabs his thigh and twists it. The wife makes a call to the bureau and convinces them the truth
Travolta gets in a speedboat and so does Cage and a chase ensues, and speaking of sue travolta will probably get sued cuz he blows up the boat house. cage crashes through a lifeguard boat jumps onto Travolta's boat while his exploses kapoooowwww
the boat flips and they get thrown onto shore, Travolta attacks cage but Cage spots a harpoon from the boat wreckage. Cage stabs Travolta in the leg and pins him to a wall. He fires the harpoon but Travolta clutches it before it fires, kinda like how sex works. Then in a really disturbing scene Travlota takes a shard of metal and says "Everytime you look in the mirror you'll see my face" and he starts to slice his face.....off. Cage kicks Travolta in the nuts and harpoon fires through his stomach, leaving him in a seizuring state and then dying. It's all finally over. The anti terrorist task force show up now knowing Cage is Travolta. Cage takes back his wedding ring.
The doctors are about to operate and Cage says not to put the scar back as he no longer needs it.
Cage, now back as Travolta comes home to his wife and daughter and they have a cute hugging moment. Travolta then shows someone to the family: Adam, Sasha and Castor's son, who he has adopted.

lmfao, read it people, even if you don't know the movie (I didn't) it is actually pretty funny.