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darkSpyro - Spyro and Skylanders Forum > Stuff and Nonsense > The Scarred Raven: a creepypasta
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The Scarred Raven: a creepypasta [CLOSED]
Ash Starkindle Gold Sparx Gems: 2625
#1 Posted: 18:28:52 26/08/2015 | Topic Creator
The Scarred Raven
---
Another day at school has gone by. I can't wait to leave this place. Senior year was supposed to be great, right? Wrong. My friends Tony, Malik, and Colby have turned into MASSIVE douchebags. Because of this, I started hanging out with this Gary kid, who's also my neighbor. He's tall, around five foot ten, and is of muscular build. Lucky him, I'm only five foot seven. He's really nice, and has a cute younger sister, Alyssa. She's of average height, and has a curvy body, with long brown hair an bright brown eyes. She would occasionally play video games with us, but that was all I saw of her. Every day, I would go to Gary's and play video games. My old friends were upset that I didn't spend as much time with them. Little did I know that my "friends" were planning something to win me back...

As always, I went to Gary's house to play video games after school on Thursday. Alyssa was playing with us, too. We were playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, when someone threw a rock in the window of the gaming room. It hit Alyssa in the head, knocking her out almost instantly. Then we heard climbing. Malik, Colby and Tony had crawled into the room, pulling out pocket knives and rope. Colby rushed toward Gary, who tried to run away, and tackled him. I tried to run to them, but Tony and Malik held me back. I was soon tied to one of the chairs. Colby started to stab Gary repeatedly in his left eye. Colby pulled the knife out of Gary's face. Gary, who was barely clinging to life, screamed bloody murder. Surely, someone called the cops and an ambulance, but they didn't arrive before Colby shoved the pocket knife through Gary's bloody eye socket. The blade went through his skull, coming out of the other end and killing Gary instantly. "We're not through with you, Tyler," Tony softly said, and my world went black.

I woke up in a hospital bed, with Alyssa sitting beside me. She was sobbing. Her hair was messy, and her eyes were red and puffy. I guess she discovered what happened to Gary. She wouldn't speak to anyone, not even her parents. She was closer to Gary than anyone else, so she was depressed. As a month passed, Alyssa reached out to me. She wanted to play video games with me, like old times. I happily accepted, and she said to come over at 5:30 on Tuesday night. Tuesday arrived, and it was 5:15. I cleaned up my room. As I went to close my window, I saw into Alyssa's room. Alyssa stood on her carpet, oblivious to my watching. She wore a black tank top with a black sweatshirt around her waist, and black denim shorts that reached the middle of her thighs. She also wore black sneakers with black socks. Her hair was now black, and she straightened it. As I saw her, I gasped. Alyssa was covered in cuts. Her pale skin was surrounded by blood red cuts. Her wrists and hands had few cuts, while her legs were more scarred. She held a knife to her throat, and slit it. Blood dripped from the new wound. That was it, I crawled through my window and into her room. I couldn't let her die. As I went into her room, I realized she was still alive. She was just as confused as I was. "I saw you slit your throat... How are you not dead?" I asked.
"I have no idea, all it did was scar my throat," Alyssa told me.
"Also, since you're here, I need your help. Go get Tony, Malik and Colby. Bring them to your garage. I'll meet you there in an hour," she said.
"Okay, Alyssa. I'll help you," I told her.
"Thanks. Also, it's not Alyssa anymore. Call me Raven. Scarred Raven," she finished.
I left Raven, and went to retrieve the three boys.

An hour later, I was in my garage with Tony, Colby and Malik. Raven walked in, with a screwdriver and duct tape. She nodded to me, and I grabbed hold of Colby and Tony. They squirmed in my grip as I duct taped them to the couch, and covered their mouths with strips of the duct tap. Malik, on the other hand, was rushed by Raven. She pushed him to the ground, and stabbed him repeatedly in the left eye. She expertly scooped the eye out of its socket, and shoved the screwdriver forcefully into Malik's throat, ending his misery. Raven, now covered in blood, made her way over to the couch, cutting the duct tape off of Colby. He pulled out a pocket knife and slashed her throat. She winced in pain, but otherwise ignored it. She was avenging her brother, with my help. Raven stabbed Colby in the right side of his stomach, but cut to the left, leaving a gash in his torso that resulted in his intestines spilling out. Colby fell to the ground, covered in his own blood like a blanket. Tony was left, and he begged for mercy as soon as the duct tape was removed. Raven laughed and said, "Did you give my brother mercy? No! Time may heal all wounds...except THIS!" She swung her screwdriver at his neck, slitting his throat. Blood oozed from the new wound, but he wasn't dead yet. Tony pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, ready to call the police. He dialed the number, but he wasn't quick enough. Raven slapped the phone out of his hand and began hacking away at his throat. A few moments later, Tony's head was separated from his body, hitting the ground with a light thud. Raven turned to me. "Thanks, Tyler. I'm sorry I have to do this," she said. She tackled me, and held the screwdriver tauntingly above my left eye. She was about to shove it in when we heard a deep, gravelly voice shout, "This is the police! Come out with your hands up!" Panicking, Raven shoved the screwdriver in my chest, took it out, and ran away as my eyes started to close and my world turned black.

"Breaking news! Four teenage boys were found murdered in grotesque ways in a garage! Their last names will not be revealed, but the boys known as Tyler, Tony, Malik and Colby were found dead. A note was found next to one of the bodies. It simply said, 'Xoxo, Scarred Raven'. A girl known as Alyssa is missing, but is presumed dead, probably murdered by the same killer who took the lives of these boys. This killer is still at large, so be careful, and keep your doors and windows locked." I snickered as I read the news article I found on a street not too far away from where I used to live. "Presumed dead, my ass!" I said to myself as I clutched my lucky screwdriver and headed towards the nearest house.



IM SORRY
BlackWing116 Yellow Sparx Gems: 1480
#2 Posted: 18:34:23 26/08/2015
Normally I would bash at people for making a CP that had too much blood in it or bash to the fact it's not even a Creepypasta (No not going in discussion on this one) but at least it was worth my time.
smilie
Ash Starkindle Gold Sparx Gems: 2625
#3 Posted: 18:45:17 26/08/2015 | Topic Creator
this is horrible I'm sorry ;-;
It's the first draft I wrote and it's horrible
Reverse0456 Gold Sparx Gems: 2453
#4 Posted: 18:47:46 26/08/2015
Quote: Ash Starkindle
this is horrible I'm sorry ;-;
It's the first draft I wrote and it's horrible


It's fine it could have been way worse.
---
POPSMARTS!
Ash Starkindle Gold Sparx Gems: 2625
#5 Posted: 18:59:46 26/08/2015 | Topic Creator
Quote: BlackWing116
Normally I would bash at people for making a CP that had too much blood in it or bash to the fact it's not even a Creepypasta (No not going in discussion on this one) but at least it was worth my time.
smilie


Did it really have too much blood? I tried to make it not too gory.
Well, I tried.
smilie

Quote: Reverse0456
Quote: Ash Starkindle
this is horrible I'm sorry ;-;
It's the first draft I wrote and it's horrible


It's fine it could have been way worse.


like this?
BlackWing116 Yellow Sparx Gems: 1480
#6 Posted: 19:01:33 26/08/2015
Ah. It's okay. Made the "2muchblood4U" mistake in my first CP too. It's okay.
I'm trying to re-write it but it's so ANNOYING AAGH!
I need more anger to get it going I guess...
MoonHorizons Gold Sparx Gems: 2826
#7 Posted: 19:51:58 26/08/2015
the fallacy with most creepypastas is that they think "HYPER REALSTIC BLOOD" scares people. at this point of time, we've seen everything there is to see of the human body. gore doesn't scare anymore, it's only repulsive and disgusting.

what truly scares people is the unknown. introducing concepts of something that is unknown gives people a sense of dread and sometimes fright. it's why i prefer creepypastas that don't describe the monster very little, if they even do at all. the monster could literally be anything, and that's personally terrifying.

also taking classes in writing and looking towards the works of other creepypastas or horror novels can help a lot too.
---
the more obscure your favorite cartoons are, the more refined your taste is
BlackWing116 Yellow Sparx Gems: 1480
#8 Posted: 20:09:59 26/08/2015
Quote: MoonHorizons
the fallacy with most creepypastas is that they think "HYPER REALSTIC BLOOD" scares people. at this point of time, we've seen everything there is to see of the human body. gore doesn't scare anymore, it's only repulsive and disgusting.

what truly scares people is the unknown. introducing concepts of something that is unknown gives people a sense of dread and sometimes fright. it's why i prefer creepypastas that don't describe the monster very little, if they even do at all. the monster could literally be anything, and that's personally terrifying.

also taking classes in writing and looking towards the works of other creepypastas or horror novels can help a lot too.



So if I get it correct, you like CP's that explain the Monster/antagonist to little to no detail? It's a little confusing to me.
Heh. Thanks. That gave me ideas.
Badwolfmichael Gold Sparx Gems: 2511
#9 Posted: 20:27:25 26/08/2015
Quote: MoonHorizons
the fallacy with most creepypastas is that they think "HYPER REALSTIC BLOOD" scares people. at this point of time, we've seen everything there is to see of the human body. gore doesn't scare anymore, it's only repulsive and disgusting.

what truly scares people is the unknown. introducing concepts of something that is unknown gives people a sense of dread and sometimes fright. it's why i prefer creepypastas that don't describe the monster very little, if they even do at all. the monster could literally be anything, and that's personally terrifying.

also taking classes in writing and looking towards the works of other creepypastas or horror novels can help a lot too.



Wow I was about to post this same thing.

The scariest thing is the unknown, or at least to me, I've seen way worse real stuff than this story, and blood and gore doesn't seem to scare anyone unless they're young
Ash Starkindle Gold Sparx Gems: 2625
#10 Posted: 20:30:46 26/08/2015 | Topic Creator
Looking back at this, I don't think I used too much blood. Sure, there was some blood and gore here and there, but not a lot compared to other creepypastas. I remember writing a creepypasta on here about a year or so ago, and it had a lot more gore. I remember a mod edited out all the gore and replaced it with details about a birthday party. smilie
I feel that I have somewhat improved from that creepypasta. This one isn't as gory, and it doesn't have a dull punch line at the end of it. However, this is far from perfect, as this is only my first draft... which brings me to why I posted this story when it is far from finished: constructive criticism on how to make it better, and opinions from others. I personally think I didn't do horrible, but that this draft is not the best it could be. Speaking of criticism, how could I make this creepypasta better?
BlackWing116 Yellow Sparx Gems: 1480
#11 Posted: 20:34:23 26/08/2015
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Looking back at this, I don't think I used too much blood. Sure, there was some blood and gore here and there, but not a lot compared to other creepypastas. I remember writing a creepypasta on here about a year or so ago, and it had a lot more gore. I remember a mod edited out all the gore and replaced it with details about a birthday party. smilie
I feel that I have somewhat improved from that creepypasta. This one isn't as gory, and it doesn't have a dull punch line at the end of it. However, this is far from perfect, as this is only my first draft... which brings me to why I posted this story when it is far from finished: constructive criticism on how to make it better, and opinions from others. I personally think I didn't do horrible, but that this draft is not the best it could be. Speaking of criticism, how could I make this creepypasta better?



Well, I don't now which one that was, but this one is far from bad. It just a bit of the parts that make the Obvious. I'm currently working on mine. Idk, maybe we could talk in pm so you could read mine? smilie
I'm bored, and angry. Good combination to start writing. Oh, and music

It's not Halloween yet and I'm already listening to "This is Halloween" nonstop...
MoonHorizons Gold Sparx Gems: 2826
#12 Posted: 20:34:48 26/08/2015
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Looking back at this, I don't think I used too much blood. Sure, there was some blood and gore here and there, but not a lot compared to other creepypastas. I remember writing a creepypasta on here about a year or so ago, and it had a lot more gore. I remember a mod edited out all the gore and replaced it with details about a birthday party. smilie
I feel that I have somewhat improved from that creepypasta. This one isn't as gory, and it doesn't have a dull punch line at the end of it. However, this is far from perfect, as this is only my first draft... which brings me to why I posted this story when it is far from finished: constructive criticism on how to make it better, and opinions from others. I personally think I didn't do horrible, but that this draft is not the best it could be. Speaking of criticism, how could I make this creepypasta better?



i think giving characters like gary more depth would help.

it seems like we're supposed to feel sad for him, yet it's hard to because we don't know much about him other then his physical stature.
---
the more obscure your favorite cartoons are, the more refined your taste is
Ash Starkindle Gold Sparx Gems: 2625
#13 Posted: 20:38:21 26/08/2015 | Topic Creator
Quote: BlackWing116
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Looking back at this, I don't think I used too much blood. Sure, there was some blood and gore here and there, but not a lot compared to other creepypastas. I remember writing a creepypasta on here about a year or so ago, and it had a lot more gore. I remember a mod edited out all the gore and replaced it with details about a birthday party. smilie
I feel that I have somewhat improved from that creepypasta. This one isn't as gory, and it doesn't have a dull punch line at the end of it. However, this is far from perfect, as this is only my first draft... which brings me to why I posted this story when it is far from finished: constructive criticism on how to make it better, and opinions from others. I personally think I didn't do horrible, but that this draft is not the best it could be. Speaking of criticism, how could I make this creepypasta better?



Well, I don't now which one that was, but this one is far from bad. It just a bit of the parts that make the Obvious. I'm currently working on mine. Idk, maybe we could talk in pm so you could read mine? smilie
I'm bored, and angry. Good combination to start writing. Oh, and music

It's not Halloween yet and I'm already listening to "This is Halloween" nonstop...


Sure smilie

Quote: MoonHorizons
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Looking back at this, I don't think I used too much blood. Sure, there was some blood and gore here and there, but not a lot compared to other creepypastas. I remember writing a creepypasta on here about a year or so ago, and it had a lot more gore. I remember a mod edited out all the gore and replaced it with details about a birthday party. smilie
I feel that I have somewhat improved from that creepypasta. This one isn't as gory, and it doesn't have a dull punch line at the end of it. However, this is far from perfect, as this is only my first draft... which brings me to why I posted this story when it is far from finished: constructive criticism on how to make it better, and opinions from others. I personally think I didn't do horrible, but that this draft is not the best it could be. Speaking of criticism, how could I make this creepypasta better?



i think giving characters like gary more depth would help.

it seems like we're supposed to feel sad for him, yet it's hard to because we don't know much about him other then his physical stature.


More depth? Like... more personality? Something like that?
MoonHorizons Gold Sparx Gems: 2826
#14 Posted: 20:42:36 26/08/2015
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Quote: BlackWing116
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Looking back at this, I don't think I used too much blood. Sure, there was some blood and gore here and there, but not a lot compared to other creepypastas. I remember writing a creepypasta on here about a year or so ago, and it had a lot more gore. I remember a mod edited out all the gore and replaced it with details about a birthday party. smilie
I feel that I have somewhat improved from that creepypasta. This one isn't as gory, and it doesn't have a dull punch line at the end of it. However, this is far from perfect, as this is only my first draft... which brings me to why I posted this story when it is far from finished: constructive criticism on how to make it better, and opinions from others. I personally think I didn't do horrible, but that this draft is not the best it could be. Speaking of criticism, how could I make this creepypasta better?



Well, I don't now which one that was, but this one is far from bad. It just a bit of the parts that make the Obvious. I'm currently working on mine. Idk, maybe we could talk in pm so you could read mine? smilie
I'm bored, and angry. Good combination to start writing. Oh, and music

It's not Halloween yet and I'm already listening to "This is Halloween" nonstop...


Sure smilie

Quote: MoonHorizons
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Looking back at this, I don't think I used too much blood. Sure, there was some blood and gore here and there, but not a lot compared to other creepypastas. I remember writing a creepypasta on here about a year or so ago, and it had a lot more gore. I remember a mod edited out all the gore and replaced it with details about a birthday party. smilie
I feel that I have somewhat improved from that creepypasta. This one isn't as gory, and it doesn't have a dull punch line at the end of it. However, this is far from perfect, as this is only my first draft... which brings me to why I posted this story when it is far from finished: constructive criticism on how to make it better, and opinions from others. I personally think I didn't do horrible, but that this draft is not the best it could be. Speaking of criticism, how could I make this creepypasta better?



i think giving characters like gary more depth would help.

it seems like we're supposed to feel sad for him, yet it's hard to because we don't know much about him other then his physical stature.


More depth? Like... more personality? Something like that?



yep, more personality.

also having a small tidbit on what happened before the senior year would be cool too.
---
the more obscure your favorite cartoons are, the more refined your taste is
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 20:43:08 26/08/2015 by MoonHorizons
BlackWing116 Yellow Sparx Gems: 1480
#15 Posted: 20:44:15 26/08/2015
Quote: MoonHorizons
Quote: Ash Starkindle
Quote: BlackWing116



Well, I don't now which one that was, but this one is far from bad. It just a bit of the parts that make the Obvious. I'm currently working on mine. Idk, maybe we could talk in pm so you could read mine? smilie
I'm bored, and angry. Good combination to start writing. Oh, and music

It's not Halloween yet and I'm already listening to "This is Halloween" nonstop...


Sure smilie

Quote: MoonHorizons



i think giving characters like gary more depth would help.

it seems like we're supposed to feel sad for him, yet it's hard to because we don't know much about him other then his physical stature.


More depth? Like... more personality? Something like that?



yep, more personality.

also having a small tidbit on what happened before the senior year would be cool too.



You're actually quite helping me with what you're telling me now. I could post what I got so far... if you'd like to give me some criticism. (I'm not too good on grammer but still)
MoonHorizons Gold Sparx Gems: 2826
#16 Posted: 20:51:20 26/08/2015
Quote: BlackWing116
Quote: MoonHorizons
Quote: Ash Starkindle


Sure smilie


More depth? Like... more personality? Something like that?



yep, more personality.

also having a small tidbit on what happened before the senior year would be cool too.



You're actually quite helping me with what you're telling me now. I could post what I got so far... if you'd like to give me some criticism. (I'm not too good on grammer but still)



i'd say to post it when it's finished tbh.
---
the more obscure your favorite cartoons are, the more refined your taste is
BlackWing116 Yellow Sparx Gems: 1480
#17 Posted: 20:52:13 26/08/2015
Quote: MoonHorizons
Quote: BlackWing116
Quote: MoonHorizons



yep, more personality.

also having a small tidbit on what happened before the senior year would be cool too.



You're actually quite helping me with what you're telling me now. I could post what I got so far... if you'd like to give me some criticism. (I'm not too good on grammer but still)



i'd say to post it when it's finished tbh.


Sure. I'll keep that in mind.
ShadowMewX Diamond Sparx Gems: 8583
#18 Posted: 23:23:13 26/08/2015
You know what I like? Symbolism. Why raven? I think it'd be cool if they were playing some video game with birds in it, for example, and that's the reason why she picked "Scarred Raven" as a name- to remind her how the times of old have changed.
This was pretty good! I honestly don't mind blood and gore as much as others, as long as it's done descriptively, which it was- as much as DS would allow anyway, lol. Like others said, a bit more development on characters could be improved. It was hard to feel sorry for anyone if they were only mentioned a little. The transition from "let's play video games together!" to "let's kill people!" felt a bit rushed, but this could be cool if you added a bit more. I see a lot of potential in this. c:
---
Let's bust bunsen burners and bounce!
Ash Starkindle Gold Sparx Gems: 2625
#19 Posted: 20:17:28 27/08/2015 | Topic Creator
Quote: ShadowMewX
You know what I like? Symbolism. Why raven? I think it'd be cool if they were playing some video game with birds in it, for example, and that's the reason why she picked "Scarred Raven" as a name- to remind her how the times of old have changed.
This was pretty good! I honestly don't mind blood and gore as much as others, as long as it's done descriptively, which it was- as much as DS would allow anyway, lol. Like others said, a bit more development on characters could be improved. It was hard to feel sorry for anyone if they were only mentioned a little. The transition from "let's play video games together!" to "let's kill people!" felt a bit rushed, but this could be cool if you added a bit more. I see a lot of potential in this. c:



thanks, I'll add more character development and more time between the video gaming and the murdering. smilie
ShadowMewX Diamond Sparx Gems: 8583
#20 Posted: 22:21:08 27/08/2015
Yay! I can't wait to see this grow. smilie
---
Let's bust bunsen burners and bounce!
hardcoreignitor Gold Sparx Gems: 2583
#21 Posted: 22:57:32 27/08/2015
i hate to be a cynic but it could do without the excessive amount of blood

true fear comes from the uncertainty of the unknown, if ya shove blood into every last nook and cranny it cheapens the entire experience like some kinda low budget horror movie
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nyeheheheheh

hey lois, i’m dustah from mudda 3
kardonis Platinum Sparx Gems: 6366
#22 Posted: 23:11:34 27/08/2015
I honestly don't get how it has an excessive amount of blood. I just can't see it.

It's a good story, and yeah, character development would be better.
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I used to be THE Bowser, now I'm just an awkward girl
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