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darkSpyro - Spyro and Skylanders Forum > Fandom > Non-Spyro > The Silliest Jurassic Park Fanfiction Ever Written
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The Silliest Jurassic Park Fanfiction Ever Written
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#1 Posted: 03:45:19 03/07/2014 | Topic Creator
I've decided to write the most ridiculous Fanfiction ever. Our goal is to introduce the most unheard-of plot devices you'll ever see. This goes by the canon of the first movie, but with a few surprises.

Isla Nublar
120 Miles West of Costa Rica

A clap of thunder sent a shock wave through the tropical jungle, dully rocking a muddy RV trailer that had been hurriedly parked between two large boulders. Although it was backed up against a cliff, the vehicle was hardly sheltered from the rain, which poured down like a cascade of high-velocity pebbles. Given the frantic nature of the scene, the raindrops were not unlike anxious fingers tapping the glossy roof with a sense of desperate urgency. The rhythm was, in essence, a natural metronome for the vehicle's occupants, though the tempo was far too sporadic and frenzied for their liking. Every so often, a swaying palm tree would be caught in an unexpected blast of wind, creating an unearthly wail as the leaves rattled in defiance, snapping at the storm like a pack of ferocious predators. The surrounding vegetation would occasionally be thrust against the trailer with a metallic thud, startling those inside. The impact was fierce enough to buckle the roof, or so it seemed. The noise, however, failed to overpower the shrieks and gurgles that came from behind the reinforced windows.
A group of scientists and maintenance workers were frantically searching for a means to silence a meter-long reptile, whom they had recently captured. The head scientist and his female assistant were struggling to hold it still, clamping its mouth shut whenever possible, for it had chewed through their muzzle. The device was still fastened around its skull, though the front segment dangled from the reptile's mouth like a gob of saliva. Although it was less than a year old, the hatchling proved to be a rebellious hostage, not as lethal as its adult counterparts, perhaps, but troublesome nonetheless. As it thrashed about, its captors compensated for its movements tenaciously, just barely managing to constrain its body, which was still slick with rainwater. Whenever it made a lunge for their faces, they squeezed it reprimandingly, though the assistant would sometimes offer random phrases of gentle reassurance to lessen the cruelty of the gesture. The lesser scientists would often flinch at these potentially hostile movements, latently preparing themselves for an unprecedented escape. They remained tense long after these brief intervals, watching the creature out of the corners of their eyes. Their anxiety did not remain unnoticed by their supervisor, however, who used their fear as a sordid motivator.
"Don't let the little bugger distract you, folks; it only gives the pack more time to plan an ambush. Let's shut him up so we can put some distance between us, eh?" a brawny engineer prompted.
A few scientists cringed at the man's comment. There was no way they could delay the trailer's discovery; it was far too late for a silent escape, and the creature's vocalizations had nothing to do with it. Had they captured any other infant, as they had done countless times before, they would be as safe as was possible on a dinosaur-infested island. He wasn't the largest theropod they had wrangled, not even close, but the species' deadliness was not dependent on brute force alone. Because they had not prepared themselves for anything more than a grab-and-go mission, the researchers were the quarry of a relentless foe, and they knew it. No one was safe as long as they remained stationary beside the crossroad, and the pretense of subtlety was nothing more than a dubious facade to the panicked scientists. The maintenance workers, on the other hand, seemed to believe the engineer's claims, though they lacked the competence needed to contribute to the endeavor. It was clear that someone would have to decide upon a course of action. Nobody volunteered.
Whether or not they could access their destination by speeding across the most direct path was becoming irrelevant as their assailants drew near. The longer road, though more concealed, was hazardous in rainy conditions, but they were somewhat equipped for this type of vehicular travel. Neither option was completely viable, given the cunning of their adversaries and the unpredictable weather. Whatever the case, they would have to motor it if a consensus couldn't be reached.
Without warning, their situation became much, much worse. The back half of the trailer suddenly lurched into a squelchy dike, splashing the bumper with putrid water. Those who were close to the walls grabbed counters and ledges for support. A toolbox smashed open, and the scalpels inside slid across the floor and clattered against the back wall, creating a cacophony of percussive scientific utensils. After a couple of half-hearted wobbles, the RV finally settled itself in a precarious slanted state. A temporary river had formed at the base of the cliff behind the trailer, and the earth beneath the back wheels was slowly washing away.
"Someone get the tow rope!" the engineer shouted.
The scientists froze. Some shuffled backwards sheepishly, others stared at the man with utter disbelief. Surely he didn't expect . . .
"You, Joe, on your feet!"
The conscripted mechanic shook his head fiercely, but his reluctance was soon dismissed. Before he could protest any further, he was shoved out the door, still whimpering, into the rainy darkness.
With Joe gone, a sudden hush swept over the scientists. The baby dinosaur was no longer screaming. It sat quietly in the scientists' arms, chirruping pleasantly. Somehow, this was less reassuring than before.
"Alright men, keep it moving, we don't want to get behind schedule!"
Although most personnel obeyed his commands, some stared ominously out the front window, waiting for the inevitable tragedy to occur. They had seen death before, but they were never quite ready for it, nor had they been completely desensitized to gore and violence. Through the front window, they tried to get a good view of the jungle, but the rain was thick, and it was nearly impossible to see through the dense, silver curtain of vapor. One spectator turned to his friend and began to place bets on how long Joe would survive. He was joking, of course, but they still agreed on "less than five minutes". Morbid humor was hardly a rarity in such tense environments, but there was a hint of seriousness to this particular gag. Rather than dwell on it, the scientists focused their attention on the engineer, who was presently yelling at them.
"Quit gawking! We have work to do! Get your rears into gear, people!"
They obliged.
"That's more like it. Well, I'll be damned, Johnson found a rope! Tie the little sucker up, boys, and for the love of god, someone tell Joe to hurry u-"
The trailer rocked. Suddenly, the researchers were paralyzed with fear. Even the engineer seemed petrified. After a moment of silence, he attempted to resume his authoritative instructions.
"It was nothing, forget about it. We-"
Before he could finish, Johnson turned him around with his free hand. There, sliding down the front windshield, was a bloody stub of an arm.
"My God . . ."
"Is that? . . ."
The engineer turned sharply.
"Move! Move! Move!" he bellowed.
The man in the driver's seat slammed on the gas pedal. The wheels continued to spin uselessly. The engineer knew that they would need to conserve their fuel, seeing as they had no idea how long it would have to last, but if one of those raptors breached the fragile windows, they wouldn't live long enough to burn their supply.
"Hey Simon! Any chance you could get us moving?" shouted the engineer.
"You want to get out and push?" Simon snapped back. The engine's roar, combined with human shouts and raptor cries, was loud enough to force any coherent thoughts to dissipate upon arrival. The personnel who had once, for the most part, graduated with distinction were now as competent as lobotomized pigeons.
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CAUTION!
Falling Chandeliers
Edited 2 times - Last edited at 17:25:16 26/02/2015 by Phantom
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#2 Posted: 03:47:48 03/07/2014 | Topic Creator
Then, for a brief moment, the raptors went silent, except for the baby in the back area, who had resumed his wailing. A single cry emerged from outside the vehicle, followed by silence, save for for the constant revving of the engine and the shrieking infant. The head scientist scanned the room holding his index finger over his lips, catching eye contact with everyone in the vehicle. His assistant was shaking fiercely, but she caught Simon's eye. He stopped revving the engine as everyone listened intently. The baby emitted a short, shrill call. From outside, a similar response, then silence. A single raptor stepped into the light by back window. She moved forward, prodding the trailer to find a weak spot. She raised her head when she reached the window, her breath fogging the glass with each puff. Suddenly, she backed away.
The scientists, who had been frozen with terror, began to let their guard down.
Bam!
The first impact of four raptors simultaneously ramming the back wall rocked the RV, knocking anything loose across the floor. Everyone scrambled to their feet, bracing themselves for the next attempt. The second impact came and with it, a large crack in the back window.
"Simon, get that engine revving! We've got to move!"
Simon gunned the accelerator.
Then came the third, hardest, most brutal impact. The force, coupled with the aggressive revving of the engine, dislodged the RV and sent everyone to the floor again, as they had been bracing for a short thrust, and were therefore caught off guard by the sudden movement of the vehicle. As much as they wanted to get away from the raptors, their chauffeur could only drive around 45 km/hour safely. Driving at night in a jungle with torrential rains meant that any slight mistake on his part would send the RV straight into a tree, and that would certainly mean being overrun by raptors.
The engineer was once again on the verge of an outburst, but Simon didn't need reminding. He set the RV in motion, conscious of his speed, but more aware of the teeth and claws behind him. They barreled down the long route, bobbing up and down with the trailer.
Somehow, Johnson had managed to tie the baby raptor down, meaning the head scientist and his companion were free to move around. They could see the raptors running a car's length behind them. Unfortunately for the scientists, they were having no trouble closing the gap. The chieftain of the velociraptor made a lunge for the vehicle, but missed.
"Do you think those raptors are doing sixty?" the assistant ventured.
"Are you serious?" the head scientist spat, "This isn't exactly an ideal time to clock their speed!"
"That's not what I meant," she snapped as she stumbled through the crowd.
She pushed her way past the frazzled scientists, making her way towards Simon, who was still driving like a madman.
"I have a plan. Boost us up to sixty."
"But I-"
"This part of the road runs straight for quite a while . . . Just do it!"
He shifted most of his weight to his right foot, accelerating them brutally.
"I sure hope you know what you're doing . . ."
She did.
Within a short amount of time, they began to match the raptor's current speed.
"Are you crazy?" the head scientist shouted, having just noticed the absence of his partner, "We can't outrun them!"
"We don't have to," she said smugly.
Suddenly, sirens began to blare over pole-mounted loudspeakers.
"Haha, we triggered the speed-radar!"
Sure enough, the raptors were backing off. They seemed to think that the humans had called for backup, or were at least alerted to their presence. They had broken formation, unfocused and confused.
"We lost 'em! Good thinking, Kibbledimpsky!" the engineer said.
"Actually, it's-"
Before she could finish, however, Simon slammed the brakes, as they had approached a hidden intersection. The trailer rolled onto its side, spiraling in the mud like a spinning bottle. It stopped when it came into contact with a log, which penetrated the front windshield, nearly impaling the scientists. Most personnel managed to avoid the tree. Simon, however, was not so lucky. A small branch pinned his shoulder to the wall. He began to bleed profusely. The other scientists, who were not severely injured, crawled through the shattered windshield to escape.
"Head for the jeeps! Leave the raptor!" the engineer shouted from the overturned vehicle.
With these words, the adult raptors, who had been watching the scene with primal curiosity, began to advance towards the trailer. The head scientist and his assistant were hobbling away from the scene together, both limping badly. They turned toward the wreckage.
"My god, they understand!" the assistant whispered.
They flung themselves into a jeep, which had been parked beside the maintenance garage, just as the raptors reached the RV. As they drove away, they could hear Simon screaming. He gurgled, and then was gone. Many scientists closed their eyes or bowed their heads, but Johnson was too busy to notice their despair. He had brought the raptor along, unbeknownst to the pack, and against the engineer's will. His co-workers seemed displeased with his actions, but they were too shaken to lecture him. They sped off in their wranglers, now fast enough to outrun the raptors. With heavy hearts, they mourned the loss of their friends. The baby raptor howled like a phantom, lost in the darkness and unheard by its kin. One thing was for certain; it was going to be a long night.
---
CAUTION!
Falling Chandeliers
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#3 Posted: 03:49:34 03/07/2014 | Topic Creator
Phew! That word limit just about killed me! Anyways, this will get sillier as it progresses, but I've also decided to make this an interactive experience. Vote for your favorite theropod, and I might consider giving it a major role in the story!
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CAUTION!
Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#4 Posted: 05:13:07 03/07/2014
Allosaurus Fragilis.
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Edited 1 time - Last edited at 05:16:47 03/07/2014 by assassinelf
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#5 Posted: 14:01:11 03/07/2014 | Topic Creator
That's my favourite, too! smilie
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#6 Posted: 18:08:15 03/07/2014
Cool!

I always liked Jurassic Park. But, please define "silly"
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#7 Posted: 20:00:10 03/07/2014 | Topic Creator
It will be played straight, but very improbable things will happen. You'll know once it gets going. smilie
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#8 Posted: 01:15:29 04/07/2014
EEEEEnteresting.
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#9 Posted: 01:55:39 04/07/2014 | Topic Creator
You have NO idea.
*evil laugh*
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Falling Chandeliers
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#10 Posted: 23:35:15 16/07/2014 | Topic Creator
I've decided to avoid wasting space here, so I'll just provide a link to where it'll be. I'll update with chapter info here, however.
http://www.jplegacy.org/board/showthread.php?p=895902
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#11 Posted: 22:34:01 25/07/2014
Kewl.
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#12 Posted: 00:06:30 29/07/2014 | Topic Creator
In the mean time, discuss your favourite multiple dimension franchises. Yes, I'm going there.

Edit: New Chapter.
Nothing exciting happens in this one, but whatever.
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Edited 1 time - Last edited at 05:23:40 31/07/2014 by Phantom
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#13 Posted: 05:19:58 15/08/2014 | Topic Creator
Haroo-too-too!
New chapter ahead!
Contains punching, strangulation, name-calling, and a fancy lamp.
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#14 Posted: 02:28:53 22/08/2014
I absolutely loved this chapter! Robin Smith is definitely my favorite character.
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#15 Posted: 04:51:46 22/08/2014 | Topic Creator
O rly? That's a good thing, since she gets a lot of [the writing equivalent of screentime] in the next chapter. She's definitely my favorite, too, which was a pleasant surprise.
Next chapter is here.
P.S. The mother of all coincidences: I imagined Robin to look like a sort of crazy Meg Ryan. Little did I know that Laura Dern and Meg Ryan are best friends. Also, shortly after I came up with the character of Robin, Robin Williams died. I hope my story isn't secretly deathnote. Yikes.
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Falling Chandeliers
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 19:19:33 22/08/2014 by Phantom
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#16 Posted: 00:37:58 25/08/2014
Vry crepey.

In all seriousness though, I hope you don't think up of a character with my first name.

On a Robin Williams note, did you know that he was a bit of a gamer.
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#17 Posted: 05:31:58 25/08/2014 | Topic Creator
Yeah, didn't he name his kid Zelda?

Also, I really hope I didn't just kill Richard Attenborough. smilie
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Falling Chandeliers
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#18 Posted: 20:00:12 25/08/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter and interlude.
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#19 Posted: 22:03:04 29/08/2014
You weren't kidding when you said improbable.
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#20 Posted: 00:55:43 30/08/2014 | Topic Creator
Nnnope.
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#21 Posted: 00:20:21 02/09/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter. Not too fond of this one; it's a bit gloomy.
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#22 Posted: 21:38:00 08/09/2014
John.
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#23 Posted: 22:44:15 08/09/2014 | Topic Creator
+1 cookie for reading the users' choice smilie
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#24 Posted: 16:42:44 09/09/2014 | Topic Creator
Yarrr! New chapter ahoy!
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#25 Posted: 22:38:33 13/09/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter. You got your wish. smilie
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#26 Posted: 05:13:35 15/09/2014 | Topic Creator
Mini chapter. You won't like this one.
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#27 Posted: 18:09:17 16/09/2014
ROOOOOBIIIIIN!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Wait. An Allosaurus killed her. Me thinks something.
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#28 Posted: 18:52:15 16/09/2014 | Topic Creator
And you are right.
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#29 Posted: 00:57:33 19/09/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter.
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#30 Posted: 14:52:02 20/09/2014
Most interesting.

Me cannot keep serious when you mentioned her fear of starfish.
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#31 Posted: 20:54:33 20/09/2014 | Topic Creator
Cannot keep serious because of the starfishophobia? Of all the things, THAT is what breaks the seriousness? smilie
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Falling Chandeliers
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#32 Posted: 14:45:25 23/09/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter. One of my favourites, I think.
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#33 Posted: 17:45:22 29/09/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter (with a stunning title, if I do say so myself).
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Falling Chandeliers
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#34 Posted: 04:49:04 03/10/2014 | Topic Creator
Let's go on a FEEL trip! Next stop: two chapters in a row.
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Falling Chandeliers
Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#35 Posted: 18:27:39 05/10/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter.
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#36 Posted: 23:14:32 06/10/2014
#1
Fallout
#3
Geoffrey
#4
Cuddly. definitely cuddly
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#37 Posted: 23:47:20 06/10/2014 | Topic Creator
Why does everyone keep saying cuddly? smilie
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#38 Posted: 14:31:53 08/10/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapitro. Schmitt goes down.
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#39 Posted: 05:38:44 09/10/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter. I'm on a roll.
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#40 Posted: 22:38:13 13/10/2014 | Topic Creator
This next one is my favorite chapter so far. Enjoy.
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#41 Posted: 22:16:03 14/10/2014 | Topic Creator
New chapter.
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#42 Posted: 19:08:44 15/10/2014 | Topic Creator
Second-to-last chapter.
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Phantom Emerald Sparx Gems: 4752
#43 Posted: 08:28:29 16/10/2014 | Topic Creator
Last chapter.
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Falling Chandeliers
assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#44 Posted: 15:30:49 18/10/2014
It was so byooooooootiful. And a Sequel sounds great.

MAKE SURE TO SHOW AN ALLOSAUR ON THE COVER.

The poster hesitantly decides to lower his voice, now asking, "Would you please include an Allosaur on the cover you may or may not make? I loved how you fitted in Fallout 3, by the way."
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#45 Posted: 18:33:13 18/10/2014 | Topic Creator
Thanks! smilie
And I'll make sure to put an allosaurus on the cover.
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assassinelf Yellow Sparx Gems: 1168
#46 Posted: 19:38:27 18/10/2014
Thankees!

I was honestly hoping to see Alan's reaction to all the things he would've been told to do.
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#47 Posted: 21:50:08 18/10/2014 | Topic Creator
Zhat's vhat sequels are for.
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#48 Posted: 19:36:36 20/10/2014 | Topic Creator
HALLOWEEN SPECIAL INBOUND!
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#49 Posted: 22:24:12 20/10/2014
1. Overworld
2. Last Day
3. Robin
4. Trixie/ Scarred Raptor/ Orange
5. Lance/Crusher. Ugh
6. The Overworld.
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#50 Posted: 22:46:24 20/10/2014 | Topic Creator
Trixie? Really?
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