darkSpyro

Yep, writing a new one. Its called The Hacker, and its pretty much based on electronics in general rather than 1 video game.

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/w...enotify=created

Oh cool! Can't wait to read!

Quote: NINJAsk11

Oh cool! Can't wait to read!

Just click the link i posted :3

I'm on a phone, I have to wait till a computer

Oh ok

Wait...that's yours? O.o It's awesome!

Quote: ShadowMewX

Wait...that's yours? O.o It's awesome!

Thanks

I know it's kind of a thing to type l1k3 th1s, but it really bothers me and completely ruined it. Not to be harsh, trying to give constructive criticism, but it was just OK. You have a nice beginning, but the end is rushed. You basically just have a beginning, then bam something bad happens, then over. You should try to draw it out more and go more in depth like: I was walking down the hallway, a shoulder suddenly was resting on my shoulder. I turned around, horrified by what I saw. A gruesome girl in a purple hoodie, with a white eye, shaggy hair, and jeans that appeared to be tattered was there with blood dripping down her left eye. I ran towards the phone, my heart racing. Etc... not just she put her hand on my shoulder. -description-. I ran out of the house. And you don't have to always be super duper descriptive, like here for instance: " soon took the ruby colored dual screen electronic" this just sounds weird and lengthy, maybe shorten it to "soon he took the ruby 3DS from my hands", yea know? It was an ok story, you've just got to work.

Aren't creepypastas suppose to sound real?

Quote: somePerson

Aren't creepypastas suppose to sound real?

This too, it didn't sound real :/

That made no sense whatsoever.

Why the hell did a creepy lady come for him for letting his lil bro play goddamn mario?
isn't that a good thing?
WHATEVER HAPPENED SHARING IS CARING????

Quote: hardcoreignitor

That made no sense whatsoever.

Why the hell did a creepy lady come for him for letting his lil bro play goddamn mario?
isn't that a good thing?
WHATEVER HAPPENED SHARING IS CARING????

TRY USING MORE CAPS!!!

Quote: joerox123

Quote: hardcoreignitor

That made no sense whatsoever.

Why the hell did a creepy lady come for him for letting his lil bro play goddamn mario?
isn't that a good thing?
WHATEVER HAPPENED SHARING IS CARING????

TRY USING MORE CAPS!!!

OKAY, I'LL TRY!
IS IT WORKING???

Why start with "Hey, the name's Ryan. I used to be quite the carefree guy about technology, not really listening to people about hackers. Pfft, like the even cared about what I had..." and yet you end with a cliff hanger?