darkSpyro

Something feels really off and it feels like it's 100% my fault.
Hell, maybe it isn't and I'm just clueless to my surroundings.
Wouldn't be the first time or the last.
I don't even know if I have the energy to find out.

i hope everything works out today

Starting to feel like caring about anything is more trouble than it's worth. I'll be alone in the end, but isn't that what everyone told me since the beginning anyway?

Self fulfilling prophecy, I guess

if anything im grateful that i have this time right out of the gate to figure myself out. to be given the space i need to re/discover my deepseated problems and find solutions for them. all of what i had done before the end of the world was run away and hide from my problems, whether i was hiding in my work, my friends, my past, i never gave myself a chance to truly face my problems head on. only by doing that have i been able to work past them and feel better than i ever have before/ it sucks, its tough, but im becoming stronger and overall happier as a result

oh **** yeah, im not out for the count just yet
lets get this **** started

Everything is happening and its all good things but im still feeling overwhelmed. I didnt think it could happen so easily

Imagine thinking that segregation and disliking the spread of culture makes you progressive

I finally got the stick I was waiting for earlier than it was supposed to, now just need to wait for my father to repair the 3DS XL!

Hopefully the next few weeks will hold big changes. After waiting years for this, I'm finally ready to start moving forward!

Quote: somePerson

Imagine thinking that segregation and disliking the spread of culture makes you progressive

Tbf this is often a euphemism for imperialism and colonialism

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My 3DS stick is finally repaired so I jumped back in Radiant Historia

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It never fails. I finally manage to work up the nerve to do something I was too shy to do, and then I immediately forget everything relevant to it. Happens all the time. Brain, why do you betray me like this?

**** YOU I HAVE BOY JUICE

EDIT: Real **** though, you told me I'd never get this far. But this roach has ways of getting what he wants. @w@

i don't consider myself a liar, but i'm always contradicting myself... like, my opinion or perspective changes??

but my basic feelings and beliefs consistently remain the same...

i'm not really ready to completely talk about it.

Why can’t we reopen all stores(throw that non essential services term in the trash), reopen restaurants, cinemas, aside from when I find something to read, watch or play, life is boring, do they really want that to last forever, we are tired, yet the USA are taking away vaccines from us canadians when despite me hating stings I would gladly get one just to make it stop. What should we do to save humanity and the world, pagan rituals? I want the pandemic to end!

Quote: fyra

Why can’t we reopen all stores(throw that non essential services term in the trash), reopen restaurants, cinemas, aside from when I find something to read, watch or play, life is boring, do they really want that to last forever, we are tired, yet the USA are taking away vaccines from us canadians when despite me hating stings I would gladly get one just to make it stop. What should we do to save humanity and the world, pagan rituals? I want the pandemic to end!

No one's taking vaccines from anyone though? Yeah I think it'd being mishandled but blame the anti vaxxers destroying the damn things for that.

Like if you want the pandemic to end, tough it out like the rest of us. It's all anyone can do; I think lives are worth more than killing boredom. We're all tired :/

Quote: kite

Quote: fyra

Why can’t we reopen all stores(throw that non essential services term in the trash), reopen restaurants, cinemas, aside from when I find something to read, watch or play, life is boring, do they really want that to last forever, we are tired, yet the USA are taking away vaccines from us canadians when despite me hating stings I would gladly get one just to make it stop. What should we do to save humanity and the world, pagan rituals? I want the pandemic to end!

No one's taking vaccines from anyone though? Yeah I think it'd being mishandled but blame the anti vaxxers destroying the damn things for that.

Like if you want the pandemic to end, tough it out like the rest of us. It's all anyone can do; I think lives are worth more than killing boredom. We're all tired :/

I agree here. Like we all producing vaccines and trying to get them out ASAP.

Also personally if everyone took this virus seriously during 2020 we would have actually stifled the virus, but no one did so everyone suffers. It's the price to pay for not listening. Wear the mask karens, you dragged us into a longer mess. Asking for reopenings for personal amusement is kind of selfish af. Like you do have personal amusement at home assuming you have the internet and not a amish family.

I do have personal amusement but what I miss is various cultural news that we used to have, new movies or games getting released and not endlessly delayed to be excited for, events like E3, being able to go buy books in a book store or randomly finding a great one in the book section of Walmart, going to restaurants sometime even with members of the family I don’t see often, traveling around across the country(so far only the province) seeing various stuff or getting new experiences..basically experiencing life.

It may sound selfish but that’s what I meant by being bored, I feel like in an endless loop and barely anything happen except cases going up.

This is about an old user who caused problems who you might not want to be reminded of



Edit: I want to add that I am upset with the way things have been going recently, people have a perception of me which I believe is inaccurate, but really I left them no choice but to believe that. Year after year I showed them how little I cared about their feelings, so they really are quite entitled to have that perception of me. That's the personality I showed them, after all. It's like setting a house on fire and then getting upset when it burns down. Like, what did I expect to happen? I had the fire extinguisher here the whole time but all I did was stand there and watch the flames I created consume everything I love. Inside I was crying, seeing my friend's problems and the stress they're under, but instead of lending a hand and comforting them I antagonized them until I forced them to make a decision I never wanted them to make. But again, I gave them no choice so they had to. For their sake. And if that's what they think is best for them then I'm glad they did it, because even if it hurts me, I don't want to be a source of pain in their life anymore, so it's best they do what they need to do. However, that doesn't mean I have to leave. I'm still learning every day how to talk to people without UNINTENTIONALLY causing problems. That's the difference. Sometimes I do or say something that hurts someone and it's by accident. It's an honest 100% mistake and my heart is in the right place, but I'm not really the best at communicating my emotions sometimes. The people who were around when I was acting that way might not want to see me anymore but there are new friends I've made recently and I think this time I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not gonna let my past define how I act now.

ya boi bouncing back from almost being poisoned.......

Quote: Gharlant_ftd

This is about an old user who caused problems who you might not want to be reminded of

Reveal Spoiler

apparently some people think I'm just now admitting I mishandled the situation with Buchi, so maybe they missed it when I came back earlier in the month and admitted my mistake. Let me be clear so everyone understands: Buchi was a troubled person and I don't wish him any harm, I hope he gets the help he needs and lives a happy life, but I should not have made excuses for his behavior or said he's misunderstood. He caused a lot of pain for other users and by me giving him a pass for that and allowing him to hurt my friends, it's as if I was hurting them myself, and I'm just as responsible for everything he did because I didn't speak out against it. I see myself in his actions but I know I should be opposed to all forms of evil people causing drama, and since he actually listened to me I should've used my voice to try and stop him, instead of cheering him on and making him feel no responsibility for his actions. If I'm ever in that situation again I hope and pray I will have the strength to do better and act in a way that leaves a positive impact on the community, not a negative one. Everyone did their part to try and help him and he continued down that road until he was banned, I took the cowardly way out and I'm responsible for what he did to you guys, so I'm sorry. I can't say this with the expectation of being forgiven, my job is to just apologize and move on, and do better in the future, so that's what I'm doing. I know God forgives me but I still need to face the consequences of my actions, even though I have long since understood what I've done wrong, it seems like the damage that was done was unforgivable to some people and although I've changed, I can't change the past, so I'm stuck here paying for the things I've done long ago. Again, I'm sorry for what I did and for what I didn't do. I want to move forward with a clear conscience, so even if you don't accept my apology, I've done what I had to do now and there's no point dwelling on the past when I have the opportunity to put it behind me and make positive changes in my life and build something new.

Edit: I want to add that I am upset with the way things have been going recently, people have a perception of me which I believe is inaccurate, but really I left them no choice but to believe that. Year after year I showed them how little I cared about their feelings, so they really are quite entitled to have that perception of me. That's the personality I showed them, after all. It's like setting a house on fire and then getting upset when it burns down. Like, what did I expect to happen? I had the fire extinguisher here the whole time but all I did was stand there and watch the flames I created consume everything I love. Inside I was crying, seeing my friend's problems and the stress they're under, but instead of lending a hand and comforting them I antagonized them until I forced them to make a decision I never wanted them to make. But again, I gave them no choice so they had to. For their sake. And if that's what they think is best for them then I'm glad they did it, because even if it hurts me, I don't want to be a source of pain in their life anymore, so it's best they do what they need to do. However, that doesn't mean I have to leave. I'm still learning every day how to talk to people without UNINTENTIONALLY causing problems. That's the difference. Sometimes I do or say something that hurts someone and it's by accident. It's an honest 100% mistake and my heart is in the right place, but I'm not really the best at communicating my emotions sometimes. The people who were around when I was acting that way might not want to see me anymore but there are new friends I've made recently and I think this time I've learned from my mistakes and I'm not gonna let my past define how I act now.

Oh cry me a ****ing river.

You haven’t changed a single bit. This is exactly how you acted towards me in DMs back in 2019 when you vehemently tried to defend terrafin’s actions and then continued to drag me into the drama with this community after I tried taking a break.

You want to say you’re sorry, so then why did you consistently harass HIHD in our discord server when he wanted nothing to do with you? After all, you apparently know damn well you were wrong about Buchi, so you would know why he wants absolutely nothing to do with you anymore.
And now you come back to the server, trying to make amends, but don’t actually want to confront head-on what you actually did, or do it without throwing a pity party and playing the victim card in some way. Because otherwise they wouldn’t be able to hold your hand and say “No it’s okay everyone here forgives you :)”

No one, not a SINGLE person here, is obligated to accept your apology. And if you actually cared about some of the **** you pulled, you would know that and move on.

But guess ****ing what??? You don’t. because you have been harassing EVERYONE in the community server since you came back several weeks ago.

-You started impersonating an autistic user who came from r/Spyro for no reason other than to spite the other users who felt uncomfortable around them(which is a whole different story in its own right but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still mocking an autistic person just to **** with people)
-You keep going back to messages from years ago and responding to them
-You keep pinging users who clearly don’t want to be pinged
-You keep sending friend requests and trying to message people who made it absolutely loud and clear they want NOTHING to do with you and you CONTINUE to harass them with this

Let’s call this what it is, this is borderline STALKING. You’re stalking users who don’t want to speak with you or want anything to do with you.

And after all of this, you’ll try to victimize yourself, saying bull**** like “Come on can’t we all just get along? owo” or “Look I’m trying to learn from my mistakes also all this other stuff has happened in my life please give me another chance” and at times even circle back and do a complete 180 saying “eh it doesn’t matter now I tried I guess.”

Or even talk about how you wanted to "save" people like Buchi or terrafin because of some savior complex.

*****, that's just surrounding yourself with toxic people, a savior complex is me coming back to this place that caused me so many mental health problems looking back at my final 2-3 years here just so I can call you on your bs because I'm sick of how you've been treating my friends and feeling like I need to say something on their behalf.

You said this kind of behavior cost you your wife and best friend, and the fact that you’re still acting like this even AFTER that, on a dead Spyro the Dragon forum no less, goes beyond the definition of sad.

And don’t even try to sulk behind the “oh but I’m sick” or “I’m trying to learn from my past” excuses. This is EXACTLY what terrafin did to people and now you’re engaging in the same exact thing. It isn’t our business what is going on in your personal life that is causing you to act like this. It is really ****ing pathetic that people need to keep saying this in this community, but WE AREN’T ****ING THERAPISTS. We aren’t responsible for your problems that you like to keep shoving at us as an excuse for your creepy and stalkerish behavior. That’s YOUR problem to figure out, not ours.

You really want to be sorry? How about this: Take the hint, leave the community, and don’t turn back.

Everyone here has made it clear as crystal that you’ve used up one too many second chances and all of us are ****ing over it. You continue to harass other users and it’s getting sad as hell to see you keep bugging them over and over again. No one here should be obligated to forgive you, especially when you either A) can’t actually address what you did, or B ) can't do it without trying to play a victim card somewhere inbetween, or C) can't throw out a generic "why can't we just get along guys" somewhere in there.

You kept defending Buchi even after he unironically wanted HIHD to die and now keep using it as bait. You kept defending terrafin even after her behavior almost cost another user in this community their life. And more recently, you think it’s funny to go and impersonate an autistic guy and bother other users in the discord server by acting like him. If I had made my open letter today, hell if I waited an extra month or two to make it back in 2019, you would have been on that same letter involving all the damn problems with this community.

And after all of this, you think it’s okay to keep pinging people, messaging people, friend requesting people, etc, who are clearly bothered and upset by your actions.

I want you to know that YOU are the prime reason I chose to leave darkSpyro for good last summer and why I almost left the discord server as well. The **** that happened with terrafin really screwed with me, and knowing how you made it worse, tried to **** with my mental state at the time, gaslight me into thinking she did nothing wrong or you weren't defending her, and then continue to try and drag me into the mud about it after I decided to take a break for my own sanity, gave me so much stress, anxiety, and depression about coming back to this place, among several other reasons I decided to go. Because every time I would come back here, I had to be reminded of all the garbage that happened with you and terrafin.

But you won’t admit to that. Instead you try to DM me a generic “I’m sorry for what I did, please forgive me I’m much better than I used to be” and not even address what you ****ing did. And you have the nerve to say you’ve changed when you’re still doing the exact same ****, and now making it even worse by borderline STALKING other people in the community?

If you’re truly sorry, then leave us the **** alone and leave the community. I PROMISE you I am speaking for a majority of the community in saying they will tell you the same goddamn thing.

And If you want to go off on other people then about how we’re a toxic community, how we didn’t act forgiving to you after EVERYTHING you pulled with us, how a DEAD SPYRO THE DRAGON FANSITE treated you like crap because you surrounded yourself with the most toxic people on the site and then used it as a means to harass the other members of the community, by all means go for it. It’s pretty sad that you’re that overly attached to this place and I promise you most people are gonna look you straight in the eye and go “What the **** is a darkSpyro?”

Anyways that’s your yearly dose of Aquaris going nuclear I’m going back to my people and leaving again don’t @ me unless you want to **** around in Warzone

I'm not going to quote all that stuff above but I just wanted to respond to a few things you said, for clarity:

I understand nobody is obligated to accept my apology. I specifically said that in the post. I'm not trying to play the victim or anything, I'm taking responsibility for my actions and saying I messed up bad. Like, beyond just making a mistake. I antagonized people that showed me nothing but love and acceptance, and that's messed up beyond words. I'm not sure if you want me to go through and list all the things I've ever done wrong, just because I didn't mention something doesnt mean I dont recognize it was wrong and doesnt mean I dont feel bad about it. I don't possibly have enough time to sit here and list every single bad thing I've ever done, the most relevant one at this moment imo was Buchi so that's what I went with. And I stated above, he mistreated people, I can't say I know all the details but I do know he was incredibly toxic to many users including the user you mentioned, and as I said, I'm responsible for not standing up and saying "this is wrong" like the rest of you did. In fact I did the opposite and ENCOURAGED HIM to continue being that way. So I'm absolutely 100% at fault and I was wrong. And I know you aren't obligated to forgive me, nobody is, but isn't it better that I say something and admit what I did?

And another thing about sending vague apologies... it's because I've done so much bad stuff that I honestly don't remember who I did what to. I'm not trying to avoid responsibility. Again, that's why I'm doing this. So everyone knows I know what I did wrong and I'm sorry. You can accept it or reject my apology. That's your choice and I understand if you don't, I'd probably react the same way you did, in fact you've been much nicer than how I would've reacted. I'm not mad at you or I dont think bad of you, you did NOTHING wrong. It was all me. So you not accepting my apology makes sense and I won't try to guilt you. I just wanted to make a post to the people on darkSpyro that I hurt and take some responsibility for my actions in the past and in the present.

I know I can't prove anything to you or anyone right now but I want you to know I am sorry and I do feel bad, I feel really really bad about myself for a lot of different reasons. The only thing i can do is recognize what i did wrong, own up to it, and do better in the future. If there's anything you want me to admit to by all means tell me and I'll take responsibility for it. I'm sure I've hurt everybody on this website at least once, so to list all my sins would be impossible. But yes I defended terrafin when she was being toxic and manipulative (the same thing I am guilty of doing) and I hope that if I'm ever in that situation in the future I'll have the sense to not go along with it or encourage it


Edit: if there's anything else you want to say to me go ahead.. I can't undo what I did so idk what else i can do

I feel like trash knowing I'm the reason why some good people decided to leave this place. I really should've taken the hint that people don't want to talk to me, that's perfectly understandable, as I said above. If you were one of those people that I know I've had a bad history with, you won't have to worry about me anymore. I should've known better. I should've taken the hint and not messaged them, I should've known they wouldn't wanna talk to me, at least without me seriously cutting out my nonsense and owning up to my actions, which I didn't do because I was being a coward. So if I suspect that you don't want to talk to me then I won't even post on your guestbook or anything. Like I said, I know what I did and it's not your responsibility to block me, it's my responsibility to know when to stop. So if you don't receive an apology from me that doesn't mean I'm not torn up over this, it just means I'm afraid of causing more damage. I know there are plenty of people that have never spoken to me but are upset with me and let me just say you are perfectly right to be. Even if I didn't directly attack you I know my actions have had a much greater effect than I ever intended. Did I intend to hurt people? Yes. That's really disgusting but it's true. Of course it's true, I knew it was wrong at the time and yet I still did it. I don't like being that way. That's actually why this account has the words "ftd" in the name. That stands for "fight the day" because every single day I'm confronted with the choice to do right or wrong and in order to do anything right I feel like I have to fight to do it.. so it's much easier to just give up and do all the bad things I want to do. At this particular moment I'm too consumed with all the regret I have to feel anything else, so it's easy for me to sit here and say all these things now. The hard part is going to be when I have to deny myself again and not do something toxic, to not manipulate or antagonize somebody. Doing the right thing is hard, and I am weak. Not just in the past, but currently right now I am weak. But that can't be an excuse for hurting people. Another user was right. My wife is gone. My best friend is gone. The friends I made in 2009 are gone. The friends I made in 2015 are gone. When does it end? I'd love more than almost anything right now to say "right here" and never look back. But it's not that simple and it's going to take some real hard work. There's so much more I want to say but I'm about to go outside and I'll be somewhat busy today, I'm not sure what happens next here but I'll just take it a day at a time and see what happens. I'm very disappointed in myself that I continued to do the same things that hurt everyone.. even one time is too much, but you were kind enough to give me a second chance. Then I did it again. And again. Only God can count how many times I've done this.

Nice to know ya still can't take any form of critique after a year or so. God that ego is the size of Jupiter for no reason. Make an attempt to get a life.

this is my voice
one day on testosterone

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I'm so excited for Church tomorrow, it feels like I haven't been there in forever.

Now that I can say this without feeling like I'm begging for pity, I just want to vent a little bit. TW: Death.

I made a new account called Strawberry15, I'm not sure if I'll use it yet, but I figured some of you would like to know

I found an email I sent myself back in 2018 with guestbook quotes from my friends. One of them even gave me a nickname and I used it everywhere all the time. It sucks that we don't talk anymore, I really miss them.

i have risen once more

So many people have the same avatar right now and it confuses me o.o

Catherine’s been behaving badly recently. My hands are covered in scratches, and I have to close the door whenever I’m in Zoom or she’ll claw at me. Am I doing something wrong? Does she need an outlet for her instincts, or have I been too lenient with her and she now thinks she can do anything?

Well, my experience with the Discord roleplay server went sour, at first it was really active(not just in the general chat) but now only one canal of roleplay seem active and the creator of the Discord group became distant and stopped posting on the canal I was in with some others, so we are stuck with no way to continue the story. I had past experiences of the maker of that group in past roleplay forums that died quickly when they lost their initial activity and got rebooted or drama where he got thrown out of the forum by some members that took over and then dragged it into the ground.