I feel really tired right now. I doubt anything useful will have come out of today. I spent most of today looking up on pointless videogame controversies and similarly useless crap :/
My card in meditation today said "Hope. Stay positive, the world is behind you, look to the light."
I've been desperately looking for a sign, or just ... something from the universe, and I think this might be it. I know it's silly, but little things like this help give me faith in something bigger than myself. I know the universe may not even care about every "insignificant" person, but this just helps me stay at least a little helpful. Thank you. Thank you, universe. Thank you everyone.
I will get somewhere. I will do okay next year. I'll get back into the tattoo shop and I will do something great! I can!
I have to put effort into my goals instead of just wishing for them to come true. Push myself forward. Step out of my comfort zone. Have faith and confidence in myself.
...
But at the same time ... things are crap here ... again. Sorry. Sister never came home and didn't show up to work ... lost her job ... everyone's mad at her and the house has gone to ****. Again. I am so sick of this. Dad's probably going to kick her out ... I just want her to get better. I want her to go to rehab but at this point I don't think my parents care enough, and I don't have the money to pay $100+ a week for her to stay there ...
Yet another night alone and depressed. Glad to see people wouldn’t have cared if I had died
I know this is personal thoughts but when you were in the hospital a lot of people were genuinely concerned and when you came back okay everyone was relieved. I guarantee people care about you, I mean your mom who posted here to tell us what happened at the very least you have her. I understand not having anyone, it was like that for years but **** gets better eventually you just gotta get through the bad to get the good sometimes
Wow, I... I feel really inspired right now! Shovel Knight, A Hat in Time, et cetera, this is great! I can totally do this! So I should. So I will. I'm going to do this!
Why did you have to tell me all that, it was completely obvious that you were talking about me. There's no other options. I feel like I caused you guys to feel awful, and I've done nothing, and I can't do anything. It makes me feel even worse knowing that I might have to say no to you.
I feel so bad that it's made me sick. andivehadtroublebreathinglolormaybethat'sanormalthingandimoverrreacting.
I'm not worth doing this over. That's not me putting myself down- I am literally not ready for this sorta thing right now (also you know who wouldn't be accepting of it). If you did this whole thing just for that... then oh god I'm going to feel like the biggest jerk ever in whatever I end up saying.
I can't ****ing believe this is happening. why why why
This is so much pressure you have no idea
I don't understand why you havent checked my messages, you're the one who messaged me first, so I'm concerned there's something wrong i mean it's been like 26 hours. This is really strange and I'm worried about you
This weekend was so good! Think we might be on to something here. Finally!
_____
Follow-up thought:
So far, college has been such a great experience. I've been talking to people, staying focused, taking care of myself, trying new things and even reconnecting with old friends. I'm happier and prouder of myself than I've been in a long time.
---
Let's bust bunsen burners and bounce!
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 03:53:03 10/09/2018 by ShadowMewX
Can I please physically remove my jealous tendencies from my body so that I won’t have to feel that ugly ass emotion ever again? I swear to god, I feel like punching myself all the goddamn time with how much I just get random bouts of jealousy. It’s not healthy and I'm such an asshole for feeling it
———
The self harm was real bad tonight. I can feel my leg bleeding from that. Ugh...
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 04:11:01 11/09/2018 by TheToyNerd
Just sentimental rambling to myself. Trying to convince myself that it's alright lol.
I still miss you a lot of the time. ><;
I wish I could come see you more, I'm just paranoid that you don't like seeing me. I mean, you probably do like seeing me considering you asked me out to lunch. Oh, I'm so silly. Stop being paranoid and socially awkward lol. And you told me that we need to stick together, and to never stop asking you to do things even when you're too busy. Man, I wish you weren't so busy ha ha.
I should keep a diary instead of using this thread lol. It's become a stupid habit of mine.
I should really get a diary hahah.
**** it I don't feel like going anywhere. All I want to do is get this ****ing videogame done. I don't give a **** about college, I don't give a **** about "friends" if they won't help me on this, I just want to accomplish something. I want to accomplish this. But I don't know programming, I don't know art, how the **** am I supposed to do all this by myself? I'm probably still better and more diligent than most but I'm still not ****ing Superman.
Ah... guess I made the mistake of coming back to social media whilst still at this low point. I planned on writing down a short TL:DR bio for the characters but I'm running dry on ideas and don't know how to properly describe the wind character and shouldn't even be writing down ideas when I can't properly think. Maybe I should skip the stuff I don't know and move on to writing the stuff I do, like the first few events in the story, I've more or less figured those out. Maybe some dialogue too.
I'm **** at dialogue though, hopefully it'll be acceptable at least, especially if I can prepare beforehand. For the meantime I just wanna avoid as much as possible... maybe I'll need to try and cancel that thing on Thursday 'cause I really don't feel like it. I'd probably be an asshole to everyone.
If you wouldn't ****ing rush me and get on my ass over every little thing, I wouldn't get mad. Sometimes I just wanna slap the **** out of you for being such a *****.
This is a weird thought that came into my head after going through a stage of feeling extremely suicidal ... but, well, life is precious and it's a miracle that we're even here, breathing and thinking. I'm not religious and I don't know how someone who is may view this, but we're not here forever. One day things will completely change and we will be thrown into something different, be it nothingness or another life ... But, time is limited. Life is precious. We aren't here forever and we shouldn't cut it short just because something may not be going our way at one period in our life. If we stop it now, that's it. It's over forever. That little miracle that bought us into this world will be over, and we will never be here to experience anything again. We need to take advantage of the fact that we're here. We're here! It may suck right now, but it may not in the future! No one knows! And we have the power to make our own paths! Of course things will happen that are out of our control, but ultimately we decide where we want to be! If you end up in a crappy situation but choose to well in your pity and not change things, that's your decision. You may decide to rise above it and try and salvage the situation. It's hard, but nothing that's worth it is ever easy. The hard work will pay off. The world is beautiful, and we need to look past all the crap that happens and just ... appreciate the fact that we are even here at all. And we shouldn't take that away from ourselves, because if we take it we're never coming back. We'll never be able to experience living, breathing, feeling, tasting, seeing, smelling, or hearing ever again if we take that off ourselves.
Life suck sometimes, but sometimes it doesn't. That's just part of being alive. And it's beautiful. What an experience! We're all still here! We've been through **** and gone through periods that we never thought we'd ever get through. But look, we're still here. And we will all continue to remain here after all the bad times in the future. We'll get through it. I know we will. It'll all be worth it, okay?
I guess that one has to end the chapter eventually. It is not the pleasant or anyways happy thing to do, oh no. But to identify the ability and realize the great unknown, it has to be done.
---
I might give you more opinions... for a small fee of course.
I'm tired. I might not be so active on here for awhile, I don't know. Things are just crap right now and I don't have much energy or motivation to do anything.
I just want to sleep.
Hope everyone will be alright. I wish you all the absolute best. I know it's not much, but I believe in you all. Just be patient and things will be okay in due time. Everything will be worth it. The world isn't without its problems, but with each new hardship you face you build up resilience to help you face the next problem and it won't be as hard, or you'll have an idea on how to deal with it.
You guys are strong. You're all good people that deserve to be here. You haven't done anything wrong that makes you any less deserving than anyone else in the world. If you have a mental illness that doesn't make you worthless or a burden, it's not your fault and you haven't done anything wrong, okay? And dont feel guilty. You deserve to be here and you deserve happiness. You are no less deserving than anyone else. What have you done that makes you less deserving? Seriously.
I wish you all the best. You'll all be alright. I know it.
I love you all.
I'm beginning to realise that one of the villains in my omniverse is actually quite similar to myself... I wonder what that means? Painting myself as a villain. It makes him an interesting villain, at least. Though maybe a better way to describe him is as a manifestation of my worst traits rather than me as a whole, yet still...
i really dont think i can enjoy the direct tomorrow with this hanging over my head
any of this really
i could die and make all this go away
itd be so easy
but i dont want to hurt anyone
She's so lovely. But it's bloody weird how similar we are? Like, we have the same feelings about literally everything. It's actually mind blowing, I swear. And we've both been suffering very similar stress conditions and fatigue ...
It so ****ing weird that I swear we're mentally connected or something. She's like, literally me but older.
But the funniest thing? I love her so much ... but I don't hold myself in the same regard. It's changing, I'm working on it ... it's just such a strange thought.
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