darkSpyro

How did I just spend four hours doing absolutely nothing? e.e

jesus am i a stupid worthless piece of ****, i wish i could for one second stop being such a god damn waste of everyone's time and space and oxygen someone superior (aka anyone) could be using. if i were gone the world would be at least somewhat of a better place among the people i've encountered in my life.

not in the mood

sorry for being a mean little ***** i guess. i can't stand that kind of chaos and mayhem on a day in, day out basis, it just tires me out and frays my nerves. maybe i'm having issues with my patience and tolerance lately, i suppose i just need to separate myself away until i feel capable, and pick days where i'm not likely to be irritable or tired to start with.

if i can. god knows how bad my problems with loneliness used to be. when the company is enjoyable, it's hard to not want to join and have a few laughs.

Why did I come if the whole ****ing vacation is about her. You know I ****ing hate her, you know your brothers ****ing hate her, you know everyone else in our family hates her, why the **** would you invite her. Why would you invite a multi-cheating, cynical, self-absorbed, rude, *****y, degrading, awful excuse for a human being to a FAMILY vacation. She’s your ex-wife, not your wife. ****ing get over it. Look at how she treats people, how she treats her own ****ing son. But no, just blind yourself to her actions with love struck eyes and the guise of “Taylor really likes spending time with both her dad and her mom” and ignore everything else, just like you did in Belgium. Let’s forget about the times she forced me out of the family, the times she made me feel like an outcast and a freak, the times she degraded me and made me feel like i was worthless, the time I was “punished” for choking on noodles and had to throw it up to ****ing breathe by being forced to sit on the floor in the living room away from everyone else and how Grandma got pissed at you after i told her and you did ****ing nothing about it. Let’s forget the times I was super into the american idol games and loved singing until she decided to tell me my voice and singing sucked causing me to stop singing and still have self-esteem issues over how I sound, the same way she talked about my art and everything else I did. But yeah, don’t think about those things and just keep having your “family” vacation with her, saying “i’m not the one that broke up with her” and “she’s the one that did those things, i didn’t. i’ve always liked her,” forgetting she did the same thing to her husband before you by cheating on him WITH YOU, before going and cheating on you with ANOTHER married man. But whatever, keep going do this hole and once you get to the dark bottom, don’t expect me to help pick you up. Or Uncle Mike, ot Uncle Randy, or any of your friends. They’ve alreay helped you out of yhat hole once, why would they help you again out of the same hole? If you get back together with her, she’s never allowed to come to ANYTHING in my life. Not a college graduation, not a marriage, not a baby shower, nothing. And if you’re not ok with her not going, then you’re not going either. I won’t stand to have the women that caused most of my self-esteem and self-image problems ruiningy happy moments. And my mother already has established she doesn’t care about be unless she needs something so she’s not going to anything, so what more is my father not coming?

maybe i have clinical depression? idk. it shouldnt be affecting me this much..

i knew this was going to happen sooner rather than later.

i was just hoping it would happen when we were ready.

why am i still alive

i wish i weren't such a selfish ass and could off myself already for the better of everyone