darkSpyro

My emotions are ****ing stupid

*punches face*

You really know how to push my buttons in the best of ways <3

I certainly don't feel great right now. In fact, I feel ****ty. Again. I've felt this way so many times in these past few months that saying this has lost its' meaning. I'm almost always feeling "****ty", worried of what will **** things up next. Lack of sleep? Bad news? Might as well be spinning a wheel to decide how I get ****ed over next.

I'm still standing. That's something, I guess..? I've put up with it for this long, but I've got to draw the line somewhere, a time when I can say "**** it" and make a change. Just "standing" won't get me anywhere. So when I stop standing, and start running? Because doing nothing at all is quite cowardly.

So when and how do I change this? Soon needs to be the answer here. I cannot keep going this way any longer. I will find a way. I must find a way, for once and for all.

---

It's about time I started keeping promises. That's an important part of diligence that is equally simple, and the first step in finding a way out. How many promises have I made now? Time to start accomplishing these promises.

im sorry im so ****ing obnoxious, im sorry i spam you and i ask questions that arent my business, im sorry
i just love you so much
i cant imagine my life without you and i hope i never have to

Just kill me now, I don't care, people just want me dead.

Ya know, I kinda had a feeling I was never enough... Y’know, not comparable to what you had before. And what more would I expect? When have I ever been enough for anyone?
But... Maybe I’m looking at this on a surface level. I know it runs way deeper than that. It’s not a matter of whether or not I’m enough. It’s what you went through before. But somehow I feel like if I was better than I am, maybe I’d be able to do something about it...
But that’d be asking too much, wouldn’t it? To be someone who’d be capable of fixing everything that’s wrong I mean.
****in hell. At the end of the day you’ll still love her no matter how much of a sack of **** she was. And if you can’t recover from that I’ll have to accept it because it’s just not my decision to make. But damn, if I could have any wish in the world granted...
I’m not going to cry over this. I will not.

- - - -

I feel awful about this. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all? But that would’ve just made things harder to cope with later down the road. It’s like ripping off a band-aid. It’ll sting a lot at first, but it’ll feel better not long after.

- - - -

God, whatever happened to the person I used to be? I used to have a sense of independence, I used to think I didn’t need anybody, I used to be way stronger than this. But now I find myself clinging to the people closest to me as if I’m a scared little child again. What happened to me?

*punches face super hard*

I’m sorry, dude. I did that super rashly. I can’t be around you until I stop being a spastic little ***got again. I just need some time apart from you. I hope you have a nice life. I’ve just hurt myself too much tonight, and I need to be better.

I swear to ****ing god, that your ass will be beat for ****ing up the bathroom, that I busted my ass and ovaries fixing up! You ****ing idiotic boar! Get out of this house you useless piece of human flesh, that only helps themselves instead of considering other people's health from your ****in pig life style. It's a legit miracle that the landlord didn't see this room and go "yeah you guys are evicted because this room is condemned".

There's nats in here 24/7. These tiny fly looking asses just flying around my desk light and any source of light. I wonder how the **** they keep getting in here. Oh wait there's food on your desk, under the bed there's cups probably with mold on them. Get the **** up and leave. I'll gladly clean the room knowing that you will not be coming back into it again. Oh also ***** you are worse to your dog. Like I come out of my rock to see how mine is doing, take of all the dog's **** and their body up keep, where are you when your dog needed a bum bath? Oh yeah you're ****ing it up with your boyfriend and your dumbass friends 24/7. I hope you are sterile because a child in your care would be dead from all the neglect.

Ya know "grounded" has no meaning behind it if you don't put any weight to it. Unless you're gonna do that this time. Though considering spent on how many times she got "grounded" and the only time weight was put down was from dad. Hell he was even on the floor tied up by that boar because he was gonna take away an item of hers. Just consider getting her mind checked out and make judgement for an institute because she's never gonna learn actual punishment from you.

I gotta stop having these strong romantic feelings that will never get reciprocated. All my hunches never become correct