darkSpyro

i feel like people think I’m stupid weird and unaaproachable

Who would care, in the end? Suicide is kind of like genocide but with less killing in my perspective. Everyone will be gone. So, if it does happen, it wouldn't matter to me anymore. They'll be gone.

Reminds me of solipsism. If this really is my world, then it would really be gone when I'm gone. I do wonder if I am a God sometimes. It would make sense, all these coincidences and such wouldn't be coincidences.

Solipsism is another matter entirely. The relation between suicide and genocide is what should be cared about. There are some things I would wish to keep, but in the end, I would trade it all - good and bad - for somewhere higher. Somewhere unimaginably great.

A kind of paradise. One that these - my creations? - won't be part of. My paradise, and my paradise alone.

Either way, it's two seperate worlds. One for me, one for them. Everybody wins.

no one likes me....i thought i learned...but it still hurts..

I never really post on this site ever, but I still look on it every once in a blue moon.

Should I leave entirely? It feels like I should.

Go ****ing look in the mirror smart ass, you're no better.

Why does it seem like you're being nice all of a sudden? It doesn't seem as bad as I remember. Either I've got a more positive view right now, or what I said about suicide gave you a change of heart.

If you like me, you like me. If you hate me, you hate me. That I have suicidal thoughts should not change you opinion. Again: if you hated me then, hate me now. If you "like me" now, then you should have liked me then. I haven't changed.

Maybe like/hate aren't the right words for this situation. Basically, I don't like being treated differently, it pisses me off. Nobody has ever seen me like a normal person. First my disabilty, now it looks like my suicidal thoughts have to make me different too.

I just hope I'm wrong and that this is either a coincidence or that my perspective has changed.

---

Superflag, yes that's it. The reason I would want to request one is so that nobody would find my posts if they searched my web history. It wouldn't matter when I'm dead, honestly, but it would suck if one of my ****posts ended up on the news as my "motivation for suicide". That's probably 'cause I'm paranoid.

But still, having GuP show up among my actual reasons (if they get any right, though I'd rather try to keep them secret) would be ****ing stupid. Not just GuP, I can think of many ways them seeing my post history would **** things up, for all of us.

So that's why I'd request a superban. I'm not really that bothered, but as I said, keeping my post history could **** things up for all of us.

I lied. GuP is one reason... kind of. It's silly to say it like that. And it's stupid. Nonetheless, to say that it has no part is a lie, even though I hate to admit it. As I said - it's ridiculous. Ridiculous in every aspect, and just mentioning that reason would get me laughed at. I wouldn't blame them.

Maybe you can already guess what it is anyway. If you can, I would like to also mention that is not a main reason. More of a reminder for the main reason. Not that I hate being reminded, I don't hate GuP for reminding me (doesn't everyone still see me as a fanboy anyway?), in a way, I like being reminded.

So yes, GuP does have a part in this. I don't like that fact.

---

I see suicide as more of a logical solution than the emotional solution that it is commonly associated with. Suicide when I decide that I have no more reason to stay, and that death will be the best option for all. No doubt that my emotions also play a part, but logic is more important. What is best. Whether or not I ultimately want it, that is not so important.

I remember when the thoughts started, and they were a lot more emotional then, but now they have changed into a more logical train of thought. So I guess my "logical" decisions have evolved from emotional decisions? Maybe I do let my emotions get the better of me. Either way, I now see it as primarily logical, and emotions and emotional reasons are secondary. Sometimes they coexist, with logical reasons being the same or similar to emotional reasons.

---

There is no such thing as definitive "happy" music, whatever I like best should give me inspiration. Like Freedom Call vs. Sonata Arctica. FC are considered "happy" yet they don't make me feel that way at all, but SA, who are considered the exact opposite, makes me inspired. Because I don't like FC and SA are one of my favourites.

I should know by now that acting based on other people's opinions is not a good idea. I need to think for myself and make my own decisions, be free. Everyone should follow this advice in my opinion. Otherwise, we will never be our own people, more of people who have been made entirely by their situations.

Can't let this get in my way. After all, I would be dead, so why would it matter? Same can be said for everything else. I need to stop being so paranoid.

---

That's a good idea. My emotions still play their part in this, so I can use that to my advantage... heh. But it's true. If I want to clear doubt from my mind, then this is a good way to bring me over the edge. It's so simple! I should keep it in mind.

---

At this point, I reckon they just want me to get on with it. I imagine that scene from Monty Python and The Holy Grail. "Just get on with it already!" Yes, I should. Or stop whining. Either way, needs to end. Life or death. What should I choose?

I've been in this state for several months now, I think. Yup. Definitely needs to end... but as I said earlier, I think I may know how to bring me over the edge. Could be worth a try.

Boy do I love punching myself in the face... I sure love that I regressed back into that state. **** me...