darkSpyro

I'm a tryhard, of course, among many other things. Why should anyone see me as human? Of course, we all exist, but I'm a little less than others.

Truth is, I am a silly person. An idiot. Even I don't understand myself sometimes. And, as it should be obvious right now, I don't like myself much either. I have very few likeable traits. I guess I'm stuck in the middle of a fight between myself and myself, pretty much.

I mean, I'm listening to Freedom Call right now, and that's making me feel more suicidal. A band that is known for making people happy, one whose frontman aims to make people happy, and it's just making me more suicidal. All "happy music" is like that to me, I think - I have very recently realized that. I can't explain, of course, because even I don't understand.

I'm not going to stop listening to them. I'm not getting out a Sonata Arctica album like last time, because that's what got me out of the suicidal thoughts. No. I'll end this... once I'm "motivated" enough.

Because once I'm motivated, in any way, I don't stop. Nothing can stop me when I am motivated. And it appears I am now reaching that point.

I won't fear oblivion anymore, soon. I won't fear anything anymore, soon. I will be motivated, fearless.

---

Aren't endings beautiful, be they "good" or "bad", happy or sad? Like a nice little way of rounding things off.

I used to think my story as Qcumber ended pretty badly. Nothing to round it out, no celebrations or anything, I reckon most forgot I existed a few days later.

Likewise, I forgot about dS too eventually. I didn't really care. This place changed me of course, no need to deny that, but those changes were subliminal and I rarely acknowledged them.

I think my suicidal thoughts started here too, as Qcumber. I can't quite remember. Maybe it was one of those kys messages that I only remember vaguely now? Or just the generally miasmatic atmosphere?

Then it just escalated much further after a left - as I said, subliminally, I rarely acknowledged the ways this place changed me.

Quite silly to get so worked up by some idiots on an obscure (and now dying) Spyro forum. But I'm a silly person, as I said. It would've happened sooner or later, can't blame this place; can't shoot the messenger.

One quick motion. That's all - not too hard, right?

Courage is all I need. And soon, I will have it. Euphoria. Overjoyed to the point of not caring anymore, the power to overcome all obstacles.

I am growing stronger! Braver!

---

Yes, I can feel it. Subliminal, hard to tell, but it is there. The little voice telling me to do it. The voice is getting ever louder and more persuasive.

I can't believe it took me this long to realize. Despair is not the key - that simply gives me the energy to carry on with sorrow. Happines, as odd as it sounds is key. Freedom Call, Power Quest, Twilight Force - they are key.

So now, I am listening to Freedom Call, who I initially though would keep me from it, not bring me into it. And they are. They are bringing me into it. Apparently, they have helped many people out of it - but not me, I am different.

And I know my key.

How many more hours? Will it be tonight? I do not know, or care. Of course I don't. Because worrying, despair, is what kept me away. Not anymore. Now, I will be euphoric, no longer in fear of anything. Not scared of oblivion, or anything. Nothing.

Yes, maybe several more hours. I can't say for sure how long it will take before I am fully persuaded. All I know is that listening to Freedom Call will bring me closer and closer, and I am the only one who can stop myself from listening to Freedom Call.

Because Freedom Call, euphoria, have a certain kind of power. One that is hard to overrun.

---

Again, no offense to Freedom Call if they are somehow reading this. They are a good band and I appreciate what they do, bringing other people out of despair, but that just doesn't work on me.

It goes the other way instead. Technically - euphoria into suicide.

i... i can't help you if you don't talk to me...
i'm worried about you... ok?
i've never been this worried about someone-
i know you're right there at school,
but you're not yourself..
and i worry about people..
and it's tearing me apart..
because i care.
i've never cared this much before..
i have a few friends right now, online and irl that are better friends than i've ever had.
and you're one of them.
but you won't talk to me;
you'll hardly talk to anyone at all..
just let me help.....please..
i can't bear to see you like this anymore..
ᶦ ᶫᵒᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ.
playtonically, romantically, idek which,
but ᶦ ᶫᵒᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘ,
and for that reason,
i worry..

I could cut myself, to get used to pain, I guess. Get used to this feeling. Then maybe it'd be easier to do the final cut, maybe.

Edgy? I don't care anymore. Euphoria? The stigma associated with that word, I don't care about that either. I'm getting closer.

It won't matter soon... I hope.

---

Of course I don't "feel it" in that I recognize it. As I said, it's subliminal - hard to see, but it's there.

It'll come clearer and clearer. I know how it works now... it comes, it goes, but this time it stays.

---

The dreams. Why is it that, whenever I am feeling particularly suicidal, they are more vivid? More lucid, that I can exist more in that world.

Maybe I am right - maybe it is the afterlife. Seems like a pretty good explanation. So, do I go or do I stay?

I go, of course. I must; I will. Soon, first I must become motivated.

---

Things seem... different, now. I just realized this. Like... I can feel it, the end. I'm not thinking normally. I am thinking differently. My actions, are they also different?

I'm different. Very different. I never felt normal, but now I feel much more "different" than before. I am thinking differently.

Maybe it is a sign. A sign of the end. And maybe, it will ascend until the very end.

but then the invasive thoughts come back
"where are you going to put this"
"you're wasting your time"
"no one wants to read it"
"every one else says the exact same thing, you cant add anything new to the argument"
"there's no point"

and i stop.

Another failure, though maybe not so much, since I have been listening to Freedom Call for 4 hours. Definitely getting nearer, I can feel it for sure. Very nearer.

Maybe tomorrow really will be my last day. Maybe not this morning, or maybe it will be. I'm getting that close, I think.

---

Eww... even for me, that's a horrific idea. I don't care if it would work, and maybe it wouldn't. Either way, that would probably be the worst possible way to go.

I'll keep with the final cut, I think.

---

A paradise of dreams, the Otherworld. I am evermore sure that Otherworld is the afterlife. I have seen it, a good place to be.

Better than here as far as I know or care. Or maybe it won't. But I feel that there is a chance, at least, and that's enough.

I will leave. When?

---

I may make a goodbye post I guess. Or a note. Something for closure, I like that idea.

Suicide notes are pointless, aren't they? I'll be gone, it won't matter. Still, closure is always good.

Yeah, doing it near Christmas isn't exactly the best time. But this kind of thinking has kept me for so long - no more, I'll take it no more. I'll end it for good.

Besides, there's the Christmas curse. Someone always seems to die at Christmas - I think it'll be me this year.

---

Nothing matters anymore. Especially when I'm gone, I won't be here to worry no more. So why worry at all? It's pointless. No more worries - only euphoria now.

No reason to worry, not at all. Yes. Only euphoria now.

---

I now remember all the metaphorical dreams I had. When I collected Gogos, when I collected Gormiti, the stories I made with them. They'll exist no more either. Gone, only returning now for my final chapter it seems.

I thought I would someday make these stories into a book, or a videogame, or something. Big dreams, aiming high. No more. They'll all be gone, all.

Now Queen. I listened to them a lot as a kid too - they've always reminded me of then. And everything else I remember - watching movies, reading books, all that. Up to now. My life up to now.

None of that will exist anymore. Huh. Well... "another one bites the dust". Without my dreams realized, I have just become another of many that will become nothing more than a number for a list.

I always had high hopes. But now, I don't really care anymore. I think I know what I must do now. I'm useless, I shall discard myself.

---

Power of Freedom Call. Of euphoria. Of course I don't care, I've become kind of oblivious to that now. Only the afterlife that shall soon follow... I think. Think? No, I'm not doing much of that now either. I can hardly think now.

---

One quick motion. I must remember that.

double posting *cough cough*

Urgh. Still here... why?

I need to make a decision. Tonight, hopefully. Didn't I say that last night too? And the night before that, and then again before that, and... 5 days I've been "contemplating", I think. Too long. Normal people would have come to a decision by now, and so should I.

Except it's not much of a decision anymore, isn't it? It's a question - what is best? The answer should be clear, but my emotions are holding me back. I need to think logically, not emotionally. Because logically, the answer is clear.

---

I ****ed up. Again. Not surprising, obviously, this is me after all.

Not as bad as I expected. I've come to like it better this way, I think. No more vanity. Just a clear outlook, seeing things as they are, that I am not important to anyone or for anything. There are people who are, maybe people who do contribute to this otherwise dying society, but I'm just kind of a useless dick.

One that should be gone. A hypocrite who wants happiness, but in the end, I'm just as miasmatic as those I claim to oppose. A coward and a hypocrite.

I can stop this, easily. I can do it right now, what's stopping me?

---

Freedom Call isn't even that good of a band, honestly. Very repetitive and dull, although that may be because I usually only listen to them not to enjoy their music. More because of the effect they have on me, which can be useful.

I'd rather listen to one of my favourites like Blind Guardian or Sonata Arctica. I love listening to SA in situations like this. But last time that happened, the feelings subsided. Went away. I do not want this again, there will be no turning back.

Looks live I may have ****ed up way more than I initially expected... but I don't think I want to find out more. Because I am a coward. Not for much longer, I hope. I'll end my miasma.

So. After 3 years, my wish is finally coming true, it seems. Except I don't want that anymore. I want everyone - friend and foe alike - to be happy. I don't care about myself, of all the virtues I once held, selfishness is finally fading. Only cowardice and hypocrisy are what mostly remains, and I'll take those two out in one strike.

---

Come on, Q. Just once? It will be quick... no need to fear. Then I'll be far away, away from here, not being a dick anymore. And if my dreams are true, the Otherworld is a place I must visit.

I don't believe in destiny or anything. It's not like that. But, the Otherworld... it's a strange thing. I really do feel like I don't belong here.

When I am closer to death, it becomes more vivid. I can see clearer. Like coming closer to death brings me closer to the Otherworld - the afterlife, after death.

So, Q... just once. Quickly. Do you know the answer? Do you know what you must do?

I think I do.

I never really was that well-liked of a user anyway. For a reason - I was a dick. A total dick. And still am, after 4 years, that hasn't changed at all. I haven't changed at all.

Same in real life too. I just haven't changed. I keep ****ing up, realizing I've ****ed up, then doing it all over again. It never ends.

I could change this if I was like a normal person. Stop being a useless dick and actually do something productive. But I'm not a normal person, literally.

Yes, maybe I could have changed. But it's too late for that now, I think.

---

Will it be today? It should be. I can't waste time any longer contemplating, not when the answer should be clear.

And the Otherworld. I need to go there, the time is as right as it has always been.

White Pearl, Black Oceans. Awesome song, widely considered a masterpiece, I'd totally listen to it right now if I weren't listening to Freedom Call. As I said, I'd much rather listen to Sonata Arctica than this, but FC yields more useful results. Listening to SA instead would likely bring me out and into another cycle.

But it's so tempting. To listen to one of my favourites, for one last time.

Of course, music isn't the only thing I can rely on the bring me to the final phase. It's more background, to modify my mindset. FC brings me near, SA draws me away.

Yes. There are other things other than music, and perhaps I should use them now. Bring me directly into the final phase.

---

I've got a headache right now, likely from staying awake and listening to FC so late. Normally this is the part where I'd go to sleep, but... not tonight, hopefully. I've said that these past few nights too, haven't I? Hopefully. Hopefully, this is the last time I say hopefully.

I am getting closer... and closer... and closer...

It's like a countdown without a timer. I know it will end, but I don't know when. I can only form theories and such based on educated guesses.

---

If I don't do it now, it will only get worse until the 25th. The Christmas curse. Always Christmas, maybe that's why I survived in Spring.

Higher forces, huh? **** that. I will not let that own me, never. If I do somehow stay alive until Christmas, then I will most certainly survive thereafter. I will stop listening to Freedom Call, I will stop contemplating, I will give up and let the cycle continue.

Give up. Yes, I will, on the morning of the 25th if I'm still here then. I'd give up, if it meant proving wrong this theory. That fate really doesn't exist.

Until then... no, I want it done tonight. Now.

Here again still - still not gone. I can't make any certainties in this situation at all. It's more a matter of what I think now, not what I know. I don't what is the afterlife for instance.

---

No; Never mind that. I'll give in, not give up. Why should I? Not if this is what I've been waiting for so long.

I can feel it getting nearer, as always. Nearer, but never knowing exactly when. But I think I now know that answer: December 25th.

Like that midnigh feeling, except maybe December 25th 2017 will be the "midnight" of my life? That mind-control thing, making me think different, will it become so stronger than before? I think so, because I can feel it getting nearer - as always - towards that day.

I can't say for sure. But I think so, and "think" is all I have. I've never really cared about theocracies and such until now. The question is, is this voice from a "light" side or a "dark" side? I can't tell.

It's all kinda silly. Because, as I know, I am a silly person. I barely make sense at all. But the voice... yes, feels like my "midnight" is drawing near.

---

Fear of oblivion is still the main thing holding me. That my theory of an afterlife is all wrong, that we're all condemned to an eternity of nothing. But if that's the case, then what point is life anyway?

Even if it isn't the case, still, what is life? Its meaning? The Truth, that's what I'm hoping will answer this question. If there is such a thing.

But do we really need goals? I think happiness is most important.

---

25th, that is when I think it will be strongest. But it is also strong now. So, who's to say it won't be today?

As I said, there are no certainties. I can't put a date on this. Or even if it will happen, or the outcome, all I have are theories.

Looks like the answer is no. Again. Despite all my tries, the feeling is gone, now all I want is to go on as normal. No suicidal thoughts, or at least, they are subsiding.

This isn't good. It will return, or something else will go wrong... oh yes, something will go wrong, certainly. No doubt there. Yet another cycle, which will bring me back here.

I can see clearer now, in this world. Think clearer. That has returned, too. Or do I only claim it to be such? I'm not sure how I think, never had been, certainly not now. I thought clear thoughts would be the answer, for when I cannot think clear, I decide not to. But I still feel like it must be done, despite my denial.

I don't know if it ends here or not anymore. Only tomorrow will tell - the "midnight" of my life, when I predict the visions and thoughts will peak for a while.

---

I listened to Kings and Queens earlier, and felt deja vu, like I heard it before. Quite a normal feeling.

Then I remembered I had. In my dream, I heard that song. Vivid. Usually I only "sense" what goes on in my dreams, but now I can see and hear? Closer, walking the line between here and the Otherworld, at the brink of death. Perhaps?

---

It could still be tonight. It could be anytime, that I could decide to do so. It is easy enough - one quick motion. But, I no longer believe my end is as near as I first thought, that this cycle will continue. I don't like that. I wanted to end it, but I haven't, now it will continue if not soon.

Maybe when I get one of those especially strong feelings, I will do it. No waiting. Then and there.

Third time lucky? Hopefully next time I feel like I did, the cycle truly will end forever.

---

I feel it. Don't think, feel. That's as much as I can say really, that it will be strongest on the 25th.

That noise, again. A noise that solely exists to give me a headache and remind me that I am retarded.

Even my parents have admitted it. They don't seem to care about my headaches or lack of sleep - or at least, that it's caused by this, they somehow expect me to sleep still - just pointing out that I am indeed retarded.

This isn't good. Unacceptable. I need to learn to stop these headaches... somehow? It's possible, isn't it? But, I am retarded, I can't do what others can even if I tried.

"I need to learn" - no, I WOULD need to learn. But there's a much easier solution to this. I won't be retarded anymore.

---

Why should Christmas change anything? It's just another day of the year, one that people like to treat differently. Why should gifts or anything of the sort convince me to stay?

I'll go if I want. I shouldn't really care if it's a horrible surprise for my parents in the morning - that's why I initially wanted to do it where they wouldn't be first to notice, like at school instead - because I wouldn't be there to see it all anyway.

---

Where would I rather be, on what is supposed to be the "happiest day of the year"? What difference will it make, other than more fuel for the cycle to continue?

Anyway... here on Earth, with all the **** going on, or the Otherworld? A supposed paradise based on my dreams, where I am able to do whatever I want. To an extent. More freedom, more joy, then I would have in this world at least. More purpose to live for.

Elysium and the twins. Can't forget those, either. The twins haven't appeared so much in my more lucid dreams, but Elysium definitely felt real. A relatively grim place it seems, but one that... is. Just is. Not another place in this on-rails ride I'm on right now.

One I can choose to go to. But I think I've made up my mind - I'll go there and do whatever needs to be done, simply because I can, and nobody will be there to tell me what to do and what not to do.

I predict that it will end on the 25th, one way or another. I will kms, or decide to continue - either way, I predict it will end there. The "midnight", which is coming closer.

I had a kind of vision about the 27th too. I don't remember much, only that something is apparently happening on that day. But, I think the 25th is when it all goes down.

---

Another dream. A little more stuff shown this time, but I didn't feel any more lucid than before.

Like most of my dreams, I recognized the people, kind of. At least one, but there were some I didn't recognize, couldn't recognize based on the others shown. "Blurry image" - when characters I do know are shown in place of those I don't.

Yes, I recognized some. But I don't think real people would take my dream seriously if they knew who they were - like several other dreams, the "blurry images" were fictional characters, ones I had seen before and therefore recognize easier than those I don't.

Who would take that sort of thing seriously? Well, given what I have seen (especially Elysium), I'm taking it seriously. I feel there's something more here than meets the eye.

---

25th. That'll be my final day, of living or contemplating, I feel that it won't go beyond then. These thoughts.

At "midnight".

Like every other time "things will get better". Oh **** yes, they get very ****ing better indeed, then - this. One day, I'll need to realize this, that it just goes on and on and on and...

All the ****ing time. A kind of cherophobia - a bad to weigh out the good, but never tipping the scales. Just stuck there, like that, forever. Always balancing out each other.

So I put up with it all. What will be the final straw, when will I decide to not let it happen anymore? I think this is the final straw because, no, I don't believe this cycle will break any other way.

I'm reaching "midnight". Soon, I will know for sure... I hope.

---

I'm sure there is continuity in this all - Elysium proved that. Elysium gave fuel to my theory that it all exists in another world - the Otherworld. What I also believe to be the afterlife.

But still I am scared. Scared that oblivion is what awaits, or any other eternity that continues this kind of thing. Fear that holds me.

Between the cycle and my fear, it looks like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. A difficult choice to make... but one I can make whenever. That is an advantage for sure.

And we all know when it goes down. The 25th.

Why? Well... why? Why would I be doing this? The answer is simple, because I want to die. There is no more reason for me to live, I will just keep ****ing things up and being that same retard Q who messed around on here way back then. It keeps happening - I don't think I've changed at all since then.

No, not at all. I'm still that same retard. Regardless of whether or not I have become "better", that still doesn't make me a normal human. I am still, and forever will be, retarded. I'm always the same in my eyes.

And I'm sure all of you are getting pissed off by my constant negativity too, don't you? I think most of you won't care at all when I'm gone, and you shouldn't either. People come, people go, I'll just be another one of those. Another one bites the dust.

Yes... I do this, call upon these thoughts, because I must. I must die, to prevent any further mistakes. Seems silly? Well, of course - as I have said before, I am a silly person. All the more reason to go.

Nobody can truly understand me other than myself, and that I'm not entirely sure about either. Nobody can tell me "things will get better", because they don't know me or my situations. Like I've always said - if thet don't know what I'm thinking right now, can't read my mind, they don't know what I'm thinking at any given time.

What am I thinking right now? Oh, I must be thinking about suicide obviously, or maybe that's how it would seem. But I'm not. Because, I can think about whatever I want - something completely insignificant, like the last video I watched - and nobody would know because they simply cannot read my mind.

Sure, some may have a vague understanding, but that doesn't necessarily mean they have a right to tell me exactly what is right or wrong either. Only I can make those decisions.

---

Why should I care? Let's look at the positives - I ****ing hated him. Yes he changed, but was that faked also? Why should I believe him after all he did?

He never told me at all that he decided I was a complete dick and then more or less erased his knowledge of my entire existence. Someone I once trusted. Not after that - he changed my mindset completely. Scarred my mind; nothing can or will ever reverse these changes.

And yet I try to shame myself for stating the truth. That I should never have told him, that it may have led to consequences I never anticipated. Or not. For all I know, he's laughing at me right now for being a ****ing loser - literally - who wants to end his life. "Oh, I'm so proud of myself for turning him into a paranoid suicidal. Hope he ****ing dies".

Why should I believe otherwise? Why do I believe otherwise?

I need to look on the bright side at the very least. That he is someone who should never be trusted, no matter how much he seems to have changed. He is still that same person who lied to me all those years ago, and demons have many facades. Perhaps that one was only his latest.

...Yeah. If you really are laughing, **** you. Let's hope the tables turn and you're the one who ends up like this.

---

One last thought, one last reverie, one last hope. Just one... is it my last?

Let's get rid of it. We know it will never come true, after all, what happened the last time you were ambitious? All the times you've been ambitious? They've never worked out. So, I should give up on them all.

No reason to keep trying if it all ends badly. It'll only lead to more sorrow. Thus, why I should give up already.

Money cannot buy happiness. It can buy things that, in normal circumstances, can make people happy - but I don't think I'm in one of those "normal circumstances". Whatever happens today will not solve my problems. It will not make me "happy", no matter what.

What do I want anyway? Nothing, pretty much. A few albums, Etrian Odyssey IV, and that's about it. All of which I doubt I will receive, nor do I deserve, and will not make me "happy" even if I did receive them. A temporary remedy, perhaps, but a Goddamn videogame isn't going to change my life.

No. Whatever Christmas brings, it will not solve my problems. December 25th is just another of the 365 days of the year, no more, no less. Only different because we make it so.

And worldly gifts will not change my thoughts at all. They will not "heal" me... at this point, what can? I barely even know what exactly the question is, let alone the answer.

Worldly gifts. Hah, no, they won't change a thing. This time next week - if I'm still here* - I'll still be getting suicidal thoughts, same as anytime.

---

*"next week"

I don't think "next week" is a good term for it. Procrasting, even for suicide? FFS. I'm a very silly person indeed, but that's just... well, even sillier. Silliest.

I'm not going to continue this ****ing pointless countdown (without a timer) any longer. As I predict - it all goes down today. No later than now.

I may dedide not to, and that leaves the question of whether or not my vision of the 27th will amount to anything either. But if it does, it does, I'll stop thinking so hard then. One decision, that is all, no "contemplating" like I am now.

---

TL;DR. Silly thing really, for a post like this, but there's no better way to put it. This part is a TL;DR. I've repeated myself enough I think, but this post can be summed up in two sentences... and perhaps some of my earlier posts fit these descriptions too:

Christmas means nothing as far as my suicidal thoughts go, no matter what happens today,
the celebration will not change anything.
These thoughts end today, although if I survive, there is a chance that something may happen on the 27th instead.

25th is over. Feelings and thoughts still remain - and as I predicted, temporarily subsided. But now they're back as usual.

Unless my "vision" of the 27th comes true, I should stop this. It's not hard at all; not something I need to think about. A yes or a no, that is all, not dozens of paragraphs are needed to work things out. So why do I? "Because I'm a silly person" is as ridiculous a reason as I am a person, I can't use that forever.

So here it ends. No more thoughts - if I go, I go. I'll keep my thoughts to myself now. Because, simply, there is no reason to "contemplate". As I said, it will be quick and easy, thinking is not needed.

Goodbye.

I'm tiring of having massively fluctuating feelings for you. Sometimes you are a lot of fun to be around and it's like the old days when we were younger and like siblings more than cousins, but other times you are passive aggressive, rude and hyper opinionated in a very negative way and it makes you very hard to tolerate. It's tiring to go from thinking very low of you to laughing and having fun with you in one day. I don't know why you act so terrible sometimes, but please stop. I can understand having opinions but don't scream them at people until they back down (especially since you do that when you are wrong), don't be passive aggressive to family and say other things about them to friends while being fake nice to their faces. Please, just grow up and lets get back to being close and friendly all the time?

I officially HATE my life. I just do, I never grew so much hatred for that scumbag, I just want to grab the neck and break it like it's nothing, and finally have the happiness back. And that supposed forgiveness? Fake, just a dirty lie. Actions speak louder than words my butt, you can't handle or tolarate my attitude. Life sure hates me at this rate, where's my goddang respect? You just love to mock me at this point.

I really hate my life and I just want to die at this point.

Oh look, it's time I make basically the same post I do every 3 months. All I do is go through the same loop, over and over, unable to do anything about it but complain on a purple dragon website.

---

I forgot just how annoying my dad is. Not to be some "ugh my parents are stupid nobody understands me" edgelord, but almost everything he does annoys me, and he's just so convinced he's always right. Just last night he denied that the expert in coding was right, because he disagreed with him. "He doesn't know what he's talking about." Like hell he doesn't, you just can't admit you're wrong, your ego might just implode. And he's just so condesending. I overheard him talking to my mom yesterday, and getting pissed because she said something to my brother in a manner which sounded like she agreed with him. I can't really even describe it in a way that makes sense, and I have no idea what pisses me off about it so much.

My brother said "I think this new game isn't too great" while playing a game he got for Christmas.
"What did you say? You don't like it?" my mom said, because she has in another room, with my dad.
And then my dad gets all angry, and says "You can't just say things like that, don't agree with them right away. Make them explain why."

And now I know why it annoys me so much. It's because I realized then that he's always contradicting everyone. You don't like a thing? No, you're wrong. It's your opinion, and you have no control over what you like and dislike? **** you, double wrong. He does this because by contradicting you, you have to come up with a counter argument and explain your point of view. I can see how he thinks it's a good idea. It seems like a good thing to teach people as kids. The problem is, nothing is ever good enough. He never explained he was doing this. He's done this for as long as I can remember, and I had no idea. But I think he's done it so much, it's just a part of his presonality now. Instead of trying to teach us to express our points of view, he just feels the need to contradict everyone about everything.

How my feelings are wrong, or I'm lying for attention. He can't accept that anyone else might be right, about anything. He's always the expert, he's always right, even about what other people are thinking. Well, look t all this attention I'm getting: talking to nobody, making no friends, and hating every second I'm alive. Wow, my evil masterplan for all that attention is working so well.

ow I just cut myself on all that edge

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It seems like there's only one person at this school who isn't a complete moron. Everyone else acts like they're part gorilla or something. Everyone ins loud and disruptive during class, all of them are complete dicks, and to most of them "hah ur gay" is the most devastating and funny insult ever created. All of them seem to think they're the smartest person to ever live. They'll do something stupid while the teacher looks directly at them, then seriously try and claim they didn't do it. THey'll make some absolutely insane excuse for not having their homework with them, and get away with it every single time. They'll talkto eachother loudly in Arabic all day, but if I say a single sentence in English they'll flip their ****. These ****ing morons will claim they speak English better than me, and then garble out half a sentence that barely makes sense. Sure mate, learning one year of English clearly makes you an expert over people who actually speak the language. Some people act like they were droppoed on their heads as babies, these people act like they fell head first down an elevator shaft.

It's really great when one of the teachers is sick, so all the classes have to be in one classroom together, and then you have a group of 16 year olds making fun of a 12 year old girl all the time, with nobody doing anything to stop it. Somehow the teacher thinks it's all her fault too. Because clearly the people who lie about every single thing right in front of the teacher's face, and bully people constantly, are more trustworthy than the person getting bullied. Just because there are 3 of them in one classroom who will all blatantly lie about anything and defend their friend, they get belived, because 3 people lying is more trustworthy than 1 person telling the truth.

They have a social worker who comes in the classroom once a week, and reads from the complaint box. She's horrible at her job, because every single solution is basically "have you tried ignoring it until it goes away?" And again, the 3 liars are belived over everyone else, because they outnumber everyone else. I got in trouble for "being to quiet" once after reporting all 3 of them for never shutting the ***** up in class, and it was treated as a serious problem. *****, it is absolutely none of you're ****ing bussiness whether I'm too quiet or not, while you sit around literally screaming all class long. These giant babies got mad because I got them in trouble for something, so their solution is to just report that I did the oppisite.

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The PE teacher at this school is so sexist. Every single class, all the guys have to play soccer, every single time, and the girls get to sit around and do nothing if they want, or they get to actually chose what to do. Of course, this is hine with all the horribly sexist students, because if one of the girls wants to play soccer they all throw a giant fit and complain. It's not a problem though, because all of them come from middle eastern countries, and "that's just their culture." Despite all of them having lived here for over a year and a half, and the fact that they moved to Germany because they didn't want to live there any more.

It's horrible being in a country where you can't talk to anyone. You can't explain anything, if you see someone doing something horrible, you can't tell anyone. In the breaks, I just have to sit around for 20 minutes with nothing to do, and spend every second of my day hoping nobody speaks to me, or I'm ****ed. I have six months to learn enough German that I can do okay in normal classes, or my future is ruined. Of course, I won't learn engouh, because every second of class is interupted by the annoying people shouting, and half the time we learn nothing anyway. Every Thursday we have and hour and a half of computer time, where we're supposed to do things like make a simple powerpoint presentation, or type what we wrote down on a worksheet. I get done in 30 minutes, and there's simply nothing left for me to do. I just have to sit around for an hour with nothing to do. I got what was supposed to be a whole day's worth of work done in 45 minutes, while everyone else spent at least 45 minutes complaining about how it's to hard and they won't do it, yet never even looking at the worksheet. So yet again, I had nothing to do all day because we can only learn as fast as the stupidest people will allow us to.

I got what was supposed to be our homework for the next 3 weeks done in under an hour. The teacher can only put as much on as it seems like the other people will do in between whining about how it's too hard. These peole threw a fit over how 4th grade math was to hard. It was literally multiplying by .10, and it was put there specifically as something really easy that everyone knows, yet they still complained it was too hard and threw a **** fit for 15 minutes before actually looking at the page. I was done with all three pages then, because they were specifically made to be easy, yet these morons were ****ing astounded that I finished before they even started.

I hate this school, I wish we'd never moved here. But I'd never be able to actually say that to my dad, because that's a disagreement, and that's wrong. All I can do is agree with him, or get yelled at for not. It's too late to move back now, but my dad asks as if we had any choice. I don't have a choice, because different opinions will not be tolerated. It wouldn't matter wether he actually listened or not, my opinion still wouldn't change his mind, because his mind is made up on everthing. As soon as he says it, it instantaneously becomes right.

We're all stuck in his loop of indecision. He's trying to start a business for the past 10 years, but he hasn't done anything other than have an idea and spend a lot of money. He has an idea, but every single time he comes across a new idea, he wants to include that too. Every month it will be some new feature he wants to add. He'll research it for a month, say how he'll put it in (because he's an expert in everything), and then come across a new idea, discard the old one, and try and add that to the original idea instead. Nothing's ever good enough for him. He will never decide on a final product, because he will never be satisified. He knows all these people, he knows how to get it done, but it will never work, because no design or idea is satisfactory. Other people have tried to do what he's trying to do, and all of them have failed miserably. "Oh, but we'll be different." How? "Well, I know how this works, and I'll market it better." But it doesn't matter, because like dozens of people have proven, nobody cares about this idea. You culd put a trillion dollars into advertising, but it wouldn't matter, because [/i]nobody cares enough to buy it.[/i] It only sounds good in theory, but we'll never make a profit, even if we do finish it at some point. But nobody can convince him otherwise, and I sure as hell couldn't be allowed to tell him this without being yelled at.

And now I'm out of things to say. This post is basically the same as every other post I make every couple of months. I'm going nowhere, doing nothing, all because my dad can never be convinced he's wrong.