darkSpyro

I especially like cute baby dragons. And pudgy ones are cuter. Case in point: https://kurtassclear.deviantar...fset=0#comments

I'm so self-conscious about every little thing, how I look, how I act, what I like.. I try to tell anyone irl anything, even the simple fact that I like video games, and I'll get embarrassed. Every single thing.

Now, the Internet helps with this - I don't have to show my face.. or get told to my face that I'm stupid (YES, I AM SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE INSULTING ME DAMMIT [@irl person] simply hiding it under what you think is too smart for me to understand doesn't make it right.) As well as that, there's plenty of people just like me, same interests, similar backgrounds or childhood experiences.

Anyway, as I said, the Internet helps. People are all around nicer, whether it's believable or not. This concept btw? A complete joke. It doesn't exist, simple as that. There are more assholes here than probably the rest of the world combined. Yes, that's most likely an exaggeration. You want something that isn't? Here. There's so many people here that will take any opportunity they see to shove your face to the ground. A random stranger, an acquaintance, your parents, even your "friends." I'd like to propose a new concept, let's call it "Minnesota mean."

But back to the original topics, the Internet is easier.
It's like a mask that you can wear to shield yourself from any prospective hate.
But even with this mask.
I grow self-conscious.
If I go to share anything personal, such as this message about my self-consciousness, I feel really bad. I feel like I'm making it a bigger deal than it is, or that I'm attention-whoring, or that I'm trying to guilt trip someone into talking to me. And you know what? It's true, I probably am. And that makes me feel terrible. I go about sharing this stuff that I despise sharing all the time. I don't know why I do it, I don't know what's wrong with me, all I know is that it leads to even more self-consciousness... But that doesn't stop me from being stupid.

Earlier I mentioned that the Internet has plenty of people with the same backgrounds and childhood experiences. But, this doesn't always make me feel better. Sometimes, it makes me feel worse. It makes me feel like I'm not unique, and there's nothing about me to set me apart from other people. But.. I also always have just wanted to be normal. It's as though I can't make up my mind about what I want out of life, and it seriously makes me question why I keep going about things like this. I know that I'll just continue to send messages such as this one, just like I know that I'll continue to hate myself for doing so, and like I know that no matter what I do..
I'm just me..
Little ol' stupid me
Who can't do anything right
And the thing is
I am guilty of every single thing
That I complain about others doing

I changed my mind on that part where I called Minnesota Nice a fake concept. Reading the Wikipedia link that I myself posted makes the word carry a different connotation than the aspects in which I have previously seen it used. Specifically, the section titled "Social norms" is what changed my mind. It says that it doesn't relate entirely to being nice, but to keep up appearances, maintain social order, and keep others in their place. Thing is, that is exactly right. Everything the page says is exaclty right. But this portion, this portion about keeping others in their place, this is where it gets tricky. It causes clear verbal abuse to anyone who has a differing point of view than someone else, and is likely the source of the self-consciousness I mentioned. I don't want to stand out, as I don't want to be verbally put down. Sure, the area isn't that big in terms of physical violence, crime rate, any of that. But putting people down for not following the norms? Wow, that sure is everywhere.

And further reading the page has led me to believe i may be passive-agressive, which it calls a negative trait of Minnesota Nice. Specifically, I think when it says, "intense conflict between dependence on others and the desire for self-assertion," that that is exactly me. I literally cannot function anymore without direct guidance, but I so wish that I could be on my own, making my own decisions and being my own person. The part where it says, "a passive man does little to get what he wants as it is too much effort to do so, and ranges from the inept "loser" type to the conformist who does anything to be liked, avoids making waves and rarely says what he feels," also mostly describes me, other than the fact that I've been voicing what I feel a lot lately (online anyway). And further research on other sites is also leading me to believe this now.

...It's all just me, isn't it.. Nothing is someone else's fault

I had a fun time at the 'ladies night' with you mother, but it really sucks that it had to happen on a night where I was identifying as male. It was really difficult hearing people refer to me as 'that lady' all night, but painting those pots was fun and it was nice to be complimented on my painting skills.

I hate that I'm literally retarded. It's not "okay", it doesn't mean I can just fit in. I'm doomed to be this way, and no, I don't like it.

Don't try say that it doesn't make me different. It does. That should be very ****ing obvious by now, if you had even seen my school reports... speaking of which, that place never helped. It was supposed to help, but that place's version of "help" was only to remind me how goddamn retarded I really am. Not to help me be a normal person like I wish I was, but just to tell me to accept it.

Why should I? What skills does being retarded ever give me? I can't have any friends, and I doubt I'll ever be able to be a true human being at any point.

Because in a way, I'm not even a ****ing human being. I'm a defect who would be dead now if it wasn't for that bloody machine, and maybe it would be better that way. I'll never contribute anything of importance, never be helpful to anyone, not even if I tried.

That's what happens to defects, isn't it? People don't want them, they throw them away. Perhaps it should be the same with me. If I'm never going to be helpful, maybe I should throw myself away.

I can imagine a world where I'm helpful, that I'm actually useful in making things right, but that's just a reverie, a daydream. One of many. But in reality, I never will. I'll be like this forever, and no matter how much I hope for it, things won't go as I hope.

Yes, perhaps I should throw myself away... I've been thinking about that for quite some time. First came the more violent ideas, but I soon realized there was no reason to harm anyone other than myself. I am the thing that is wrong here, I am the one who should be changed.

I once took some tape and scissors from the art room, hoping to suffocate myself. I eventually spent to long contemplating and was worried someone might notice I wasn't around, so I gave up. But now I have new plans, and the gate is open whenever I can accept who I am, what I am.

I told myself ages ago, that if I ever lived until now, I would at least finish EOV. That's my final goal now, pretty much, nothing else I've wanted to do that can be done. No more reason to stay, I'm in a dead-end position with little hope of an exit.

And an exit would likely only be momentarily. I can't run from my problems forever, I know this disease will make me **** up once more, no matter how far I escape, and then I'll be back here again. ****ed over once more.

So, what would happen? I have many theories, though my only true fear is oblivion, the only thing I have ever truly feared. It is what has kept me bound all this time, a final fear that must be overcome. As for this world, I doubt many will care. A few relatives, maybe, but I'm sure everyone will forget me in a year or two.

Now I've just remembered something... every Christmas, someone in our family dies. Every year, around Christmas - no exceptions, ever. What a coincidence. Like a curse, in a way. Someone has already died, two days ago, might there be a second?

I just fear of relying too much on others and not tackling the issue head on.

Goddamnit, I ****ed up so badly today. I’m a piece of **** and I can’t believe I did something this scummy to someone. Why must I be such a ****ing loser...

I can’t even think about talking to the other girl now. All I’ll think about is you. Damnit... this is what I get for being such a retard about dating. I want to ****ing cut my nuts off forever. Clearly I don’t deserve anyone’s love, time and attention

So, as far as I know, things are resolved.
And I feel much better but I'm not sure if I'm up to par just yet, I still feel uncertain about being around.
Maybe after a nap I'll be cool. Usually how it goes, anyway.

It's almost 13 years since I almost died, it will be 13 years tomorrow. Instead, I became disabled for several years, and had to have this machine put in me. This ****ing machine.

Did it cause my retardation? Make it worse? Would I not have this disease now, if I did not have it? I doubt it, and hope not too.

The machine I can live with. It is my retardation, my disease, that makes me not normal. The machine would be unnoticeable unless it acted up, and I'd probably be dead on the floor in two minutes if that happened, so it wouldn't matter much by then anyway.

Yes. My retardation is the problem here, not the machine, this is clear. Though I know people would find a way to twist the truth somehow, to make it so that the machine makes me "special" instead; and although that's not as bad as being downright abnormal, it's almost as dehumanizing.

I just want to be normal. To live my life like a normal person, to be able to socialize like a normal person, to just be ****ing HUMAN. Not this subhuman that I feel I am, not defected by this disease.

Back to the subject at hand... yes, almost 13 years. I don't care much. After all, if I had died, I wouldn't of wasted so much in this world.

---

My parents don't know about my suicidal thoughts, though they seem to suspect something nonetheless. They won't know for sure when/if they find me dead, I have no plans on telling them, I have no plans on making a big deal out of it - no doubt plenty of drama will ensue.

I'm fine with telling internet strangers though, some of whom I have met in the past, and previously shared a strong hate/hate relationship with. I don't know why, I guess it just feels more comforting knowing that I can vent and not worry about any unnecessary drama starting.

Do you care? I don't know, I don't come back to this thread, I only come back to threads when I deem the interesting. So in other words, I don't give a **** what you think, and neither should you unto me. That's the way things should be.

Well... maybe I would have come back, I do care about you more than you'd think. But at the same time, I'm not prepared to start any conversations around my own depressing thoughts. So I might as well avoid seeing anything you'd have to say, to avoid letting your opinions get to me, to make decisions myself as I deem right.

I'll just assume I'm writing this all down on a piece of paper, only to rip it up and never see it again, sort of. That was something the people at my school did... and that makes me feel even more retarded. Why should I write my thoughts down if I don't want them to be used?

****, I really am retarded.

---

This website - this very ****ing website, that I am ****posting to right now - contributed a lot to my suicidal thoughts, come to think of it. All the **** I got up to as Qcumber made me realize just how retarded I am, that I would never be normal, always subhuman.

And all that were said. I did not hate them because they destroyed my view of myself being the only important person, or because some/most of them were particularly nasty (even got a few kys messages IIRC), I hated them because they were true. I was retarded. I hated me.

The kys messages. Well, if I do go ahead, then... wish granted, I guess.

Why haven't I learned my lesson about roleplays already?

Will things get better? Maybe they will... but this is how I always think. I always stop myself, and the thoughts go away, only to return again later on.

It's an endless cycle and I hate it:
"This is all pointless" > "I should end it all" > "Things will get better" > "It is not getting better" > "This is all pointless"

I'm wasting my time with this cycle. Too much time of wasting resources just to keep me alive and occupied, two things I do not deserve. End it as soon as possible, and I do not need to worry about any of that anymore.

One quick motion and it's over. The cycle will be broken. It's that simple, and things will go on as normal, with most people not even realizing I ever existed. No loss.

All the hate I have no doubt spread and continue to spread. How many people have hated me for the stupid **** I have done? I try to change, and to normal people, this is relatively easy. But I am not normal - I am retarded. I cannot do what normal people can, I cannot see what normal people can.

Thus, if I can never fit in with others, only continue to spread hate, then do I really deserve to exist? I don't think so. Ironically, it is hate that I try to prevent, but it seems I only make things worse. I am my own worst enemy.

All that remains now is to overcome my fear of oblivion. And fulfil a few final desires, such as completing Hey Pikmin!, but that is not so important. My own denial of what I really should do is the ultimate obstacle.

There are many other things I wish I could do. Though I doubt I would ever have those chances, and if so, I fear that they will not be as great as I had anticipated.