darkSpyro

Just someone kill me I don't care anymore no one loves me.

just forget about me. im not worth the oxygen i breathe.

Borderline Personality Disorder... I finally put a name to my constant outbursts, depressive fits and self harm. Hopefully, I can speak to a psychologist about it soon and maybe put it to rest once and for all. This is good. This is real good.

mother nature has already said '**** you' for the week and i'm in terrible pain, and i've already broken down once over how non-stop miserable i've been over the years. if i had a button to skip today, i'd use it.

I just now realized why you did what you did. You knew how much I liked him, so you told him, and threw our friendship down the drain just so you could keep me all to yourself. That is it... right? Everything you told me was probably lies because you know how gullible I was- am - so you used that to your advantage, right? You were jealous of what we could of been. I kind of have proof of this, too. When I started "dating" another guy, you threw a hissy fit, and that resulted in us hating each other (at least hate on my part~). God, if you were jealous, you should of just told me. Maybe if you were more honest with your feelings, we could still be on speaking terms. Heh.

... This was a mess, lol. Just wanted to write my thoughts down somewhere before they get lost in the abyss known as my mind.

Welp it's that day... I know you've been through that toe nail removal operation before. BUT I am still worried for you about it because Murphy's law always seems to **** with me at the most random of times. Plus it is a permanent removal of said toe nail. Hopefully it goes well. Your toe will get to recovering from infection and maybe your older sister can stop being a **** towards you as you may limp for a few days (and maybe her getting a job on top of that so she can stop mooching up to your family about being a total ****)? Idk how toe nail removal works, but I think you'd sensitive with putting pressure with that toe.

Y'know, when normal students get lumped with people who do all the work in group projects, they just relax and go along with the ride.
...Meanwhile, there's my group. My friend just got legitimately mad at me for writing and finishing the entire group presentation by myself. Guaranteed, it may have been rude of me to restructure her work, but I have high standards, m'kay? Also, she was at work till like 10 or something and there was no way in heck I was waiting that long for her to do her share.
Hm, and I have learned that after working on a presentation for 6 hours, I have reached a new state of untouchable. Last time she yelled at me for something like this, I got defensive and we both got upset at each other. This time I was as cool as a cucumber and completely turned the situation around. B3 I want to sleep, but I kind of feel like I could pull off an all-nighter doing nothing but sitting here. ...Gosh, I'm going to regret this post in the morning, aren't I? Why am I even reflecting on my academic life on DS, again?

Dear Heart,
STOP GETTING CRUSHES ON PEOPLE YOU BARELY KNOW
Sincerely,
Brain
P.S. And stop crying over people as well? Thanks for your support.

I swear on the names of my gone brothers, if you hurt her, there will be NOWHERE you can hide. Do you understand me? I will **** you up beyond all comprehension, your own mother won't recognize the corpse. I will rain flaming hell upon everything you've ever loved. You have no idea what you have, and if you throw it away there will be a reckoning, and it will be swift and powerful.

i'm really ****ing mad at myself for all this. literally EVERYONE else gets to be good while i just suffer. it's not fun. it's not inspiring. it's not gonna make me feel better about anything at all. it just makes me feel like somewhere along the line i made a mistake that prevents me from somehow being good like you. i really WANT to be better but SOMEHOW is never works. no matter what they say, or what i do, it NEVER. ****ING. WORKS. i'm seeing it less as "you have to work for it, i know you can do it, keep trying" and more as "you're either good at it or your not. thats how it is sorry" and i keep lying to myself and saying i can be better but i can't. it's not what i was meant to do.

but people keep saying i can improve and i'm getting better... no, that can't possibly be genuine. take one look at what they do and then look at the things i do, that they say are good. it's can't possibly be genuine. it's all pity. it's not even correct, just a false set of words to make sure i burn myself out. i've seen the sad lives of those who think that the pity is genuine. they turn into the ones you try not to be. they're the ones you observe not because they're good, but because they're so god awful at remaining stable it's somehow fun to watch. i would rather DIE then be that kind of degenerate. i want to find what i'm ACTUALLY good at and stop following dead ends. i just keep seeing even the most novice of people do this thing SO ****ING WELL and i feel like i'm missing something. where's the talent? do they sell talent at a store now, because with the rate everyone around me gets it, they must be.

am i jealous? absolutely.
am i angry? you bet your ass i am.
what am i gonna do? i'm gonna give up.

at this rate i am convinced i did something wrong as a kid that stunted my ability to gain new skills and i can't go back anymore. if you happen to have any talent that involves traditional art forms, please tell me where you obtained said enhancement, so i can find it. i just want to be good like you. good like them. good like 99 percent of people on this site, in this country, in the ****ing world. i can't possibly be good. because i think you're all the greatest i've ever seen, yet i'm nothing like you guys at all. but what makes them all think i'm someone who can be fixed? are they right? am i right? i really wanna know.

they say the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. well if that's true, then clearly i am insane.

i'm not sure where i stand with anyone anymore. sometimes i get the feeling that people want to talk to me and have me around, but most of the time i feel like everyone would enjoy themselves better if i wasn't there.

i suppose it doesn't help that i get the feeling that literally anyone else can talk about things they like or are interested in and people will swoop in to have full blown conversations with them. but the minute i mention a peep of something i like, there's a slew of jokes ripping on it, "lmao more like gay **** amirite", or dead silence to the tone of 'nobody cares'. it makes it extremely difficult to keep liking those things and if anything, makes me want to push them away. where's the fun in keeping to a series or enjoying a game, if you're just going to be relentlessly mocked for it?

i said i didn't mind the jokes about the characters i liked, and i don't. but now i feel i can't even mention a series or a game without feeling terrible about it two seconds later. if you wanted me to shut up about it, then tell me, so i can spare myself the anxiety and downwards mood swings later.