darkSpyro

Thank you so much for giving me a panic attack and threatening my life. I'm now reminded once again why I quit playing video games in the first place, and this is putting me well on my way back to that mindset. Kudos to you for making a stranger cry on the internet.

You know that lifestyle were people say "Ah yeah, life is a wave. I just ride to wherever it takes me."

I'm convinced this wave wants me dead. I've done nothing but hard work all my life just to get where I am today, and the moment I let my guard down **** happens to me.

I'm constantly reminded at how lonely I am. Everyone I know is in some kind of relationship, and now my parents are staring to ask me if I have a boyfriend that I've just been...hiding from them all this time. As if they think I'm actually attractive enough to have one.

Speaking of parents? I have a mother who is afraid to emotionally connect to me, and tried to get drunk when she wants to. Once she is drunk, she insults me and then goes on and on about a topic I've asked to be changed. Then I say something that gets her mad, and she rubs in my face on how we don't have a good relationship. Something I desperately want to fix, and try my god damn hardest to patch. Anytime she asks if we want a "mother and daughter day", I happily agree, but she brings along her friend. I wouldn't mind, but she only talks to her friend and gets drunk while I just sit back on my phone being quiet. Anytime we have these days, they always comment on how unusually quiet I am. My mom likes to insult me when I'm right there to her friend.

I've recently gotten depression... I think? I feel numb and when I laugh I don't actually laugh all the way anymore. It feels fake. Forced. I want to laugh, but I can't. I'm overeating and I'm sleeping a lot. When I looked these up, I found that they were a symptom of depression. Glad to know I have both anxiety and depression now, I guess.

Recently I got so sick that it left me weak the entire day once I got better. I was shaking uncontrollably, and I felt as though I was a new born deer trying to walk for the first time. Then just today, my car stalled in the middle of a parking lot (thankfully). So far my dad can't find the problem, so it looks like I'm out of a car for the time being. Which sucks, because my week is always busy all the time.

I'm always busy. I'm always doing something. I always have something left to do. I don't get it. I'm so angry. Did I do something wrong, and now I have to pay for it? Why was I given such an ugly body? Why do I have to live such a lonely life, to the point where "Aww Erica can figure out how to get out of a sad rut. She always knows what to do!!"

NO. I DON'T. I'm sad all the time, I'm constantly worried that I will always be alone, that once I live out on my own that I will just get murdered and no one will notice because they will just assume that I'm doing okay because Erica works hard!!! and won't check on me.

I'm so scared and sad!!! I hate it ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

that was one way to lose your innocence

This is what I get for not obsessively fact-checking everything I say. I've made myself look like a know-nothing in front of my closest friend.

"That's why your life is the way it is now"
Yep. That's why I have depression and anxiety. That's why everyone lies and mistreats me. That's why he's still here, and it's why my mom and him keep getting back together and arguing. All because I don't share your same beliefs. I guess that's why people got beheaded in Syria and all that other ****. He is never gonna change. The only way that will happen is if he chooses to. He's not choosing to do so. I'm trying to handle my depression and anxiety. I'm taking medication. It's not helping. I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to better myself in an education. Oh, but I guess unless I worship God, it's not gonna happen? How dare you.

"The devil has a hold on you"
It has nothing to do with Satan. At all. None of this had anything to do with religion until you brought it up. These are my beliefs; my words. Screw off with that nonsense. Saying that saying it has nothing with Satan makes me prideful actually shows you're the one who's prideful. I don't think highly of myself. I know I'm not perfect. I don't judge others on their personal beliefs -- unlike you, and I'm not going to.

"If you wanna go to Hell, then, that's your choice"
You're telling me I'm gonna burn and be tortured for all eternity just because, once again, I don't share your beliefs. That's really lovely. The idea of Hell repulses me. I would never wish that on any other human being, no matter what they do. Never. God loves his children? He sure has a funny way of showing it.

"I guess you don't believe Dad is in Heaven then?"
Wow. Some nerves of steel you have. **** you for saying that. I don't know what happens after you die, but Dad is out there somewhere watching over us all and I know it. How dare you bring him up in this situation.

People like you are the reason why others frown upon religion so much. I have the right to believe what I want, just like everyone else on this earth. If you believe in that sort of stuff, that's fine. But don't judge me if I think otherwise.

I know people here on DarkSpyro are Catholic, Christian: stuff like that. I'm totally okay with that, and I won't judge you if you don't judge me. Again, everyone has the right to believe what they want.

Another day, another depression! ****, I hate when I get like this. I hate feeling like a dumbass and ruminating over that for the better part of an hour (even all day if it was a big screwup). I hate myself sometimes. Can't that psychologist's visit come any sooner!