darkSpyro

i fail to see the point of this anymore...
but i also don't see the point of ending it
either way is pain
i just
...sigh

you know, maybe i need to be bit brighter about all this. Ya know, do productive things.

as good as this community is
it makes me rethink myself a lot

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop hating myself for every little thing! I just wanna feel good about myself for once without thinking I'm a selfish douchebag for doing so...

awww yeah nothing like sexual frustration

ive accepted the fact im a slut damn what happened

i also bought a rare cd to commemorate my new favorite band obsession. help.

Why am I so scared I did something wrong? Why do I just have so little self-confidence when it comes to this?

Yes, everything is my fault. How dare I get angry at anything? That's not to be tolerated, only happiness and smiles. How dare I say what you suggest isn't right, that's not allowed, because you all are always right, and anything I say is wrong. Once one of you starts *****ing at me, he'll start up even though it is none of his goddamn business. But once anyone starts, they'll just set a whole chain reaction until everyone is yelling at me. I had all three of you complaining at me at once so much I couldn't even keep track of what you were all *****ing about. Come on, if you're trying to make me feel like ****, you need to not do it all at once, I need to be able to hear everyone tell me exactly how every problem in all of time and space is my fault back to back. Or are you just going for a sheer number of people complaining about things? Because damn does it help my confidence and happiness when literally everyone is complaining at me at the drop of a hat. It feels so good to be on the verge of tears because three people are all loudly yelling at you, and you're not even able to say anything.

But I can't get away. I can't go anywhere by myself, and there's no places for me to go where you won't be around. Now that the one class I took has ended, I'm stuck with you for the next 4 months, with 3 of them being stuck in a country where I don't even understand the language. Three months where I have no privacy, no way to get away from any of you for even a single second, and no hope of it ever getting better. The only thing I do now is sit in my room with my door closed watching video game streams because that keeps you all and your ceaseless yelling away from me, but soon I won't even get that, because some nosy asshole will constantly be hovering over my shoulder if you see me watching anything. I'm not allowed to exist in any other way than "nonstop ****ing enthusiasm" because that would be horrible. Stop asking me how my damn day is going every day, because the only acceptable answer is that I'm doing fine. I am not allowed to not be happy. I'm only allowed to agree with anything you say, because that would be horrible. This house could only be more like a dictatorship if someone got executed for disagreeing with you.

Hell, if this is how you treat me now, there's a reason I'm too afraid to do anything to change it. Nothing will ever get better if I just do nothing until I can move out in a few years, only if I can actually try to change it. But with how you treat me now, I doubt anything will get better, you'll just be a bigoted asshole and treat me worse.

He could die today and all I can do is ****post. I can never say anything. I don't know if I will say something wrong and make it worse. I have to leave it to others. I'm a coward.