darkSpyro

She wasn't joking about the ring. I can't get it out of my mind.

I suck. I just straight up suck...

I suck at keeping my anxiety down. I suck at not being a paranoid little ****! I suck at just ****ing talking to people and not hitting on them or having a mental breakdown. I suck at school, I suck at life, and I just suck at most things.

Even drawing I'm just mediocre at. What's even the point?

Feeling atm

I feel as if lately I've been making stupid posts without any thought consideration and bad humor

So I'm going back to the days I thought before I post.

I screwed up again, didn't I? Well I guess that one can make mistakes by doing nothing. So in order for no mistakes to be ocurring in individual experience there is only one solution but no such reason or bravery is present in my world of thoughts at the moment. Grayness and status quo... grayness and status quo.

--

Thank you for everything. I'm sorry.

.....

c'mon kids all aboard the school bus mentality because independent thinking is useless :)

Quote: somePerson

c'mon kids all aboard the school bus mentality because independent thinking is useless

--------

Funny how you think you know someone and then they stab you in the back -- just like that.

I still don't even know what it was that I did wrong

You all betrayed me, and I will never forgive you.

__________

when ur boyfriend wont talk to you or listen to a word you say and then goes to flirt with your cousin YASSS

Anyone who genuinely thinks that animals are mindless and emotionless shouldn't own a pet. Ever.
I knew a family once who believed that; they would lock their house cat outside during thunderstorms, and didn't give a single care when their parakeet flew away because they were so annoyed by its screeching (why did you get the bird in the first place, if you couldn't handle the complications??).
If you have that little disregard for life, you shouldn't be a pet owner. You probably shouldn't even be a parent.

Quote: Waaksian

Anyone who genuinely thinks that animals are mindless and emotionless shouldn't own a pet. Ever.
I knew a family once who believed that; they would lock their house cat outside during thunderstorms, and didn't give a single care when their parakeet flew away because they were so annoyed by its screeching (why did you get the bird in the first place, if you couldn't handle the complications??).
If you have that little disregard for life, you shouldn't be a pet owner. You probably shouldn't even be a parent.

How cruel.

I feel so, IDK how to say this but

Quote: Waaksian

Anyone who genuinely thinks that animals are mindless and emotionless shouldn't own a pet. Ever.
I knew a family once who believed that; [/b]they would lock their house cat outside during thunderstorms, and didn't give a single care [/b]when their parakeet flew away because they were so annoyed by its screeching (why did you get the bird in the first place, if you couldn't handle the complications??).
If you have that little disregard for life, you shouldn't be a pet owner. You probably shouldn't even be a parent.

apparently you know alydols family.

^I feel the same way about people having kids. Like, if you're not prepared to love your child if they eventually come out as gay or they're different than what you expected then you really shouldn't have had a child in the first place

Emotions suck. I hate them so much. Thank goodness I know how to handle them... put them in my writing~! Still I can't help but feel hurt. Ouch. I am actually tearing up, God.

You...you changed so much over the years. And it's a bad change. You were different nine years ago, I can tell you that. And I can also tell you this, Father. I hate the new you. I missed the you of nine years ago. I know you'll never come back, but... I can still dream, right?

... Time to get rid of emotion by writing. Today was going to be a good day too. Shame.

Edit: Oh right. There is that one thing you did. I still don't forgive you, btw. I totally forgot about that. Knowing the person you told, he will tell his friends. I am being honest when I say this to you, dear cousin.

Edit 2: Did I screw something up? Just the thought is making my eyes tear and my heart ache. I am really sorry if I did, today I was not myself. Ugh. I sometimes wish I had no emotions, like back when I was still friends with her. Or is it best that we are leaving each other alone? You were the one who said you wanted to talk more... ><; and the thought of ever loosing you... it's too much to handle. I need to stop thinking. Just freaking write. Be good...

Facts only upset those who lie.

Why do I feel so bad lately? Nothing outside of ordinary life has happened... Ordinary life is just sad I guess...

Quote: C1nder

^I feel the same way about people having kids. Like, if you're not prepared to love your child if they eventually come out as gay or they're different than what you expected then you really shouldn't have had a child in the first place

[Read in childish voice] Gay or not kids suuuuuuuck.

I think I've taken too many of my friendships for granted...

what am i angry at
why am i angry in the first place

I feel like your angry at me, though I don't want to admit it to your face. You would most likely lie, saying "I'm fine. Don't worry." Your a good liar online, and I can tell when people are lying. It's not like being unhonest will change anything...

I hate my Father so much. Also, wtf are you doing with SUGAR GLIDERS? Don't you hate animals? Ugh. It's because of my horrible half-sister, right? I know way more than you think I do, Father. And based off of the stuff I know, I hate your guts. I cannot wait until my Mom tells my what all you did. That'll be fun :) Oh, also, horseback riding. Horseback riding. Both Mom and I CONFIRMED you hated it. Why tf do it now? Ugh.

Oh, also I caught my cousin in a lie. Didn't mention it to her tho, lol. I don't think she needs to know what I know that she doesn't know I know.

*this post most likely makes no sense, I just need to get out my emotions.*

After two months I've finally gotten my first complaint about my hair, and from my dad of all people (despite him not complaining at all to this point).

I'm useless and annoying... Why does anyone even ****ing like me? I don't deserve any of my friends... I'm just a stupid third ****ing wheel.

---

Could you please just act like a normal person instead of a toddler? You do ****ing nothing but try and annoy everyone. You only ever play on your iPad all day. You don't even get up from the couch to feed yourself you lazy piece of ****, you just demand to be fed. You eat every second of the day, you only get up to go to the bathroom. You just sit there playing on your iPad, watching the same 3 damn seasons of Pokemon over and over and over. Once it's done you just start over. The same thing, over and over while you sit on your lazy ass and get fed all day, while being a complete asshole to everyone else. Can't you understand when someone tells you to stop, you need to actually ****ing stop being a tremendous ass? You slammed a door for no reason earlier, and you knocked my figures all over the floor off the shelves, but it's my fault because they're "too close to the edge?"
?????
*****, where the **** am I supposed to put them? Maybe just don't slam doors for no reason.

---

Damn, I love this ****ing computer that disconnects itself from the internet every 5 minutes. That's real good when I have an online school, so 90% of my day is me trying to make this piece of **** work. But no, I don't need a new computer. I've tried everything I could find on how to fix it, but it did nothing. **** this thing.

Rrgghh... I'm lonely...

Whoooo
I've lost my will to talk again.
After work i should have a relaxing cycling hour

___________

---------

- - -

------

This has wound me up before but I have always tried to sweep it under the rug, and pretend it's not there. However, it's driving a ten ton hammer clean into my asshole as of late and the last instance just annoyed me enough to put me into an angry rut again.

I was showing a guest at my job all the different kinds of switches there are to mechanical keyboards because he was totally uninformed but wanted a mechanical keyboard anyways. He was an older gentleman and as a youngin of these times I was nothing short of heartfelt that this 80-something man was embracing the modern era of technology that surrounded him. As I was dishing out to him all my masses of knowledge and specifications of the individual switches, we get ready to choose a keyboard by price. He, as I am just doing my usual thing, just outta left field says: "Wow, I didn't think you would sound so knowledgeable. Where are you from?"

I was like "???"
Like, what did you expect me to sound like? Want me to speak Jamaican patois? Jive it up a little like those guys from Airplane? Would it make you feel better that your first impressions were indeed correct, the ones you created only as our eyes just met? This man probably didn't want to battle but he sure as hell made me feel uncomfortable. I'm so sorry, a lexicon of my magnitude and the New England accent are reserved for whites or something, gotcha. I'm only half white so I should not sound like that sorry. : ((( I was raised by a very educated predominantly African American mother in a beautiful neighborhood and a German Nazi man father of the same demeanor. Hate to be that guy that appears to play the race card but I have some pent up anger even after my last encounter...

Some other guy offers me a job after I helped him out with scouting out some things he needed. He then has the audacity to hit me with "But blacks can be lazy so I hope you would really work hard."
gAAAAAAAAAAAAH you fellow American minority Mexican man YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT GOD DAMn WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER WHAT THE FCUK

That is all.

**** off **** off ****off

Yes I know I have things to do, get off my ****ing ass about it.

This problem is my fault and mine alone.

-----

------

How the goddamn ****ing Christ does this useless thing not ****ing work? I follow the instructions exactly like the lesson tells me to, and it just doesn't ****ing work. I can't select ****. Why? What the absolute ****ing hell am I doing wrong that would make it not select? There's no reason it shouldn't select. **** this program, **** this class. I can't use it on a Mac because half the options aren't there, and I can't use it on Windows because it just doesn't ****ing work for some reason. **** you, I'm just going to have to hand in a mostly unfinished assignment then, because I literally have no ****ing way to complete it. Well, guess I'll just fail this class then, cool. That's fine.


i love this ****ing school

Edit: Well, looking at the rules for how you grade it, it doesn't mention anywhere that the stuff has to actually be applied to the project, just that I have to make it, which I did. I should be able to get 18 out of the 20 points if you grade it like the rules say you should. But of course you won't, because that's not how this school works.

Edit 2: And I can't complete the other half of the assignment. Why? Just ****ing why? I can't select anything. I literally looked up a guide on how to select things to make sure I wasn't messing it up. I wasn't, the program just doesn't ****ing work. Why in Christ's name does it not ****ing work? There's no reason for this to not work, other than the program just running like ****. I'm literally going to get an F in this class because I just can't select **** because the absolute pile of assholes that is this program doesn't ****ing work. I am so goddamn close to throwing my computer across the room, I can't deal with this bull**** anymore, I don't give a **** if I fail, because I can't even do anything about it.

---

For the ten thousandth ****ing time, keep your hands off my things you disgusting ass gremlin. You don't even wash your hands with soap after using the bathroom half the time, that's ****ing disgusting. But no, you should just move my things around. Never mind the fact that I've told you to not ever ****ing do that, you shouldn't ever listen. I'm so glad we're going on a road trip so I can have literally no escape from your bull**** for 48 hours.


I like how within 40 minutes it's turned into a 4 paragraph rant about how much my school and its programs suck.

Edit 3: Maybe shut the **** up and don't try to help in things you have no understanding of. I'm trying to explain the problem, but I can't because you can't go 3 ****ing seconds without interrupting me. So don't go trying to tell me what to do when I can't say 5 words without you interrupting me you gigantic asshat. Maybe you could have helpful advice if you could actually let me describe the problem, but I can't describe the problem before you interrupt me and offer unhelpful advice and telling me to stop "freaking out." I'm ****ing fine, until you run your mouth while I'm trying to talk., then I'm mad. But I can't say that because you won't shut the hell up. **** you, **** this school, **** this family, **** everything really.

Last night I was thinking about that day that you made me put the knife away. That day you kept me in a call until you were sure that I was okay and wasn't going to hurt myself any more. You hardly knew me, you still hardly know me. Why did you do that? I don't understand your motivation. Back then I was close with her, that is all I can put it down to.
Nowadays I think you hate me, and if you do I am sorry for thinking of you.
I don't see anyone doing that for me now.

-------

Get her face out of my mind, get his name to stop repeating in my head, I want to be able to look at my door without flinching, I want to not feel like this. I deserved it, I deserved it over and over and over in my head his name and the phrase I deserved it. Its been years I thought I was past this, I deserved it, you never get past this, I deserved it.
I still deserve it.

Quote: Drawdler

I don't think I understand romantic love. To me, loving someone in its purest form is to help them whateverwhichway just because you care about their feelings, even if it isn't your responsiblity to help them at all and particularly if you go out of your way for it.

I just don't understand where the lines blur between platonic and romantic there. Maybe it's about how important, between everything else, it is to you that whoever you care about is happy and safe. Maybe it's about wanting to share things you wouldn't with anyone else. Maybe it's about how much you want them while you're doing other things.

Let me fill you in on how I personally see romantic love. To romantically love someone, you trust them SO much that you are willing to become vulnerable to them, unleash all those taboos (doesn't have to be sexual) and most importantly you can live with them. You can be the BESTEST of friends, but you can be total opposites in the way you budget, take care of yourself around the house, recreational interests, work life... When you see this other person not just when they're engaging in pastimes, you see the REAL them. They should be willing to do the same back. Just coin the saying "more than a friend". They are friends but just with that oomph, and that oomph makes a world a difference.

Also, keep in mind someone may have multiple interests but are forced to select just one. You just don't see what's going on behind the scenes.

You honestly make me so ****ing scared. Father, why did you abuse my sister? Of course, I don't know the actual harm, but based on what my Mom is saying... Father, I hate you so ****ing much, burn in hell, I hope you move and I never see you again. Don't lie to cover up your past mistakes either. We, my mom and me, know when you do. It's no ****ing use, you know it too. So why do you even try? :')

This probably makes no sense but eh. Who gives a ****?

i dunno why you tagged me in that???

Legit i dunno if you really understand the way you act is weird, you start a conversation with me and when i reply you send me one word responses or read and ignore it, stop sending me mixed signals as to whether you wanna talk to me or not ffs

im having anxiety over a showe about half alien and his 3 moms

pls help

I need a hug

You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you for staying by my side.

Quote: TheToyNerd

Reveal Spoiler

I'm ****ing losing it. I fantasize about hurting myself all the time now, and I inch closer and closer to actually cutting every single day. I'm lonely, I'm pathetic, and I'm utterly ****ing useless to everyone around me. I annoy all of my friends with my constant state of depression and I have no one to go to. I just know it! Nobody needs or wants me around. I just ****ing know it! I'm a goddamn nuisance and I'm ready just to ****ing end it all...

I need a hug

Self-harm only makes things worse. It's not worth it. I used to self-harm, myself. Every time I felt really bad, I would grab a knife and cut myself on the palms of my hands, or smack myself in the head. Afterwards, it would only make things worse. Again, it's not worth it at all -- please don't do it.

They may not show it everyday, but you have people who care. Never forget that.

If you ever need to talk, you can come to me, if you wish. "I'll Stand By You."

will i ever be good enough??


why cant i be good enough??


why do i feel invisible tonight???

i deserve this

When that subject is always brought up in that manner... I always feel uncomfortable, always feel wrong about my personal preferences... As if I'm disgusting and my own preferences can only be abnormal or disgusting.

you make me worry so ****ing much