darkSpyro

I hate myself. My life sucks.

That would kill what little part of my soul you and him left alive if it were true. I don't want to be right on this one. I never wanted to be. But the more things went on, the more you proved how I was right about your development as a person.

My soul is so long gone, that just now, my mother tells me a friend of hers shot herself. The first thing I ask is not "why did she do that?". I don't console my mother immediately. The first thing I ask is, "where'd she get the gun?". I'm that out of touch with deeper human emotions and feelings now.

You just took the best of me, ate it up, and puked it back out on my face, as if I had done something terrible to you, which I never did. And I know it's largely my fault too, for being so devout to you and actually giving a **** about you unlike most people, but I still just view you as a totally different person to the one I knew and cared about so much. You're that far gone, as far as I'm concerned...the one I cared about is dead.

Neither of us get to have the last laugh. You became an awful individual. I became as good as objectively dead, and with my lack of real soul and life, I could easily become an even bigger monster than what you became. I've already been showing signs of that, and it hasn't even been that long...

...but **** it, life's tough, as I've always said. At least I know I never actually need anyone to get through things, I'm strong enough to pass on my own. At least I'm not reliant on others, but am reliable when I feel like it, and otherwise, I'm just independent.

I do want to hear from you again one day. So much happened, and I got very little closure about what actually happened. Whether or not you were put up to certain things, and all sorts of other questions.

But not now. Not soon. I need a break. A long one. A break from seeing the world in someone, and a break from friends constantly betraying me. A break from caring about someone so much when I mean next to nothing in the long run. I'm not ready to speak to you again.

I don't know if that was you who spoke to me anonymously, saying that I should "notice you". But if it was, then know this - I notice you every ****ing day of my life, and have since the day we met - not something you'd know anything about anymore, because you became obnoxiously ignorant to those who truly cared about you. Only now, noticing you is a form of suffering and punishment for me. Keeps me up at night. So if you're thinking about worming back into my life - don't. Not now. After Christmas at the earliest, maybe. No sooner though.

And if we ever speak again, things are going to be completely horrible between us at first. Talking to me won't be fun. It would be amazing if we could patch a few things up and start anew, as you were once something really special, something to write home about. But not anymore, and I don't want to know you if you are still the way you were when I last spoke to you.