darkSpyro

I just want to see thoughts on this.....and if i can improve on anything.

Firstly, im trying again with this short story stuff. I'm still getting used to not having every sentence start with "I" or "He/She." Criticism is welcome, actually, encouraged. I want to know what i'm doing wrong and where I can improve. I will try my best to keep posting these chapters. This story will be like, a mix of fantasy and internal and external conflict. It's about a 16 year old boy, trying to find who he is inside.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The heat of the sun struck me as i stepped outside. I never liked the heat very much, the sun beating down on you, sweat dripping down your face, looking for a relief in the form of cool air. Yes, i like the cold much more than the heat, but i had to deal with it today. The birds were singing their little tunes while the grass waved as a soft, cold breeze drifted by. I walked to the shed that was across the yard. As the shed became clearer, i started to see the familiar cracks and dents in the wood. The shed was never pretty or some marvel, just a small, brown and red colored, wooden shack. It was small but able to fit what we needed to fit in it. Squeaking was heard as i opened the door, evidence that it needed oiled. My emerald eyes peered into the darkness. I finally found the object i was looking for, the lawn mower. The dusty and almost worthless mower sat in the corner of the shed. The red paint was peeling off and onto the dirt floor. Covering my mouth, i slowly began to pull the wretched thing out of the narrow doorway. It barley fit, the wood screeching against the metal of the lawn mower. As it finally was free from the grasp of the doorway, i sighed, but not of relief, rather, because the worst part was next. I found the starter and held onto the black handle. Pulling hard and fast, the rope that held the handle to the starter broke. I cursed mentally, contemplating if i should kick it. I decided not to.
"FATHER!" I yelled towards the house. I could hear the footsteps as he walked onto the concrete porch. "What do you want you pitiful excuse of a child!" he yelled back. Now, you must know that i am used to this. I have heard this statement over and over again from my mother, father, and brother. Everyday, each member of my "family" pointed out of much of a disgrace i was and how i was useless and stupid. I guess a small part of me felt down when i heard these words, but the rest of my mind had gone numb. I ignore the painful words, knowing what would happen if i lashed out. See, it is public knowledge that i am, as some say, "a queer." Yes, i am a homosexual, knowing i have been since i was about 12. Girls never gave me this spark or feeling that most kids my age felt. I never was sexually or mentally attracted to any girl, but i was for guys. As i aged, i began to notice my same sex more and more. I notice how it felt to be with a guy, how it felt crushing for one, and, unfortunately, how it felt being crushed by a crush. I never felt bad about who i was, until my family learned of my feelings.
It started out as a normal morning. I was woken by the sound of the kitchen timer. Stretching, i slowly got out of bed and made my way through my pigsty of a room. Toys littered the floor, clothes strung on random objects, as well as scattered on the floor. I picked myself some clean clothes and got dressed. I wore a baggy, red shirt and holey jeans. On the other side of my room was a doorway into my own bathroom. I quickly made my way in and began to brush my teeth, use mouthwash, and brush my messy blonde hair. "Gryf!" my mother yelled up the stars, "It's time for breakfast!" Scurrying down the stairs, i tripped on the last step and fell with a mighty THUMP. Looking up, i saw my father and brother laughing while my mother was suppressing a laugh. I smiled and brushed my fingers through my hair as i stood up and made my way to the table. "Nice fall bro" my older brother said as i sat down. My emerald eyes glared at his frosty light-blue ones. He smiled. "Lighten up" he said with a laugh. "Whatever, jerk" i said. "Gryffin Fener, be nice to your brother" my mother said sternly as she cooked the eyes over the stove. I sighed and nodded. My father was reading the newspaper as this was happening, mostly likely he was zoned out from this house. Now i should probably describe my family. My mother, Patty, and my father, Richard, have been married for 10 years. My brother, DJ, and I were born before they were married. My mother has long, glossy blonde hair and light-blue eyes. She is usually cheerful but stern. She was short, only about 5'7" but she was also skinny. My father has black hair and green eyes. He has some stumble on his chin. He stands tall at 6'3" and is built good. Last time i saw him shirtless, he had a defined eight pack. He has some hair on his chest with a treasure trail leading down to his jeans. He was like a god. My brother had fathers black hair that is always messy and short and mothers light-blue eyes. He stands at about 5'9" with a pretty solid build. I believe he has a six pack. He his completely hairless on his chest and face. He has all the girls trailing behind him in school. Oh, i forgot to mention that my father is 43, mother 42, and my brother 18. Then there's me. I have my moms blonde hair which i keep short but scruffy and fathers emerald green eyes. I'm not that into sports so i don't have a good build, but im not fat. People say that im lanky, standing at 5'8 and skinny. My mother always comments how im a handsome young boy and will have girls surrounding me. If only that were true.

Too lazy to read.

Little too cliche. and can sometimes get too discriptive and off topic which distracts the reader, and makes him not want to continue reading.
(I was invited to the state writers conference and I made it into an official book which is only for the best writers)

Ya....the end was hard to come up with DX I didn't really know how to describe the family without being boring >___>

Quote: shorty

I think it's pretty well written. There were good descriptions and I found the beginning interesting. As long as it keeps that way and doesn't become cliche (if you're planning to write more that is), then it would be something I would consider reading. Some of the 'I's weren't capitalized and I think the last paragraph could've been broken up into two. (Maybe split the part where you described the family into another?) But those are really just nitpicking.

Thank you. Yes, I have a problem with not capitalizing I's >___>

Okay so.

One thing you really need to work on is sentence structure and how to make things flow.

" never liked the heat very much, the sun beating down on you, sweat dripping down your face, looking for a relief in the form of cool air." Here you place WAY to many commas for this poor sentence to hold. If we were to rewrite in a better sense, it would something like this. "I never liked the heat much. I do not like the sun beating down on you and the sweat dripping down your face, as if it was looking for a relief of cool air."

Try thinking about if the sentence sounds right and if it needs revision.

You also tend to get too descriptive in some paragraphs, like when Gryffin was describing his family, you made it a little choppy and spotty. Remember, when describing a character, make sure you keep your audience in check with whom is being described.

"My mother, Patty, and my father, Richard, have been married for 10 years. My brother, DJ, and I were born before they were married. My mother has long, glossy blonde hair and light-blue eyes. She is usually cheerful but stern. She was short, only about 5'7" but she was also skinny. My father has black hair and green eyes."

With a little switcheroo, you can make it more clear.

"My mother, Patty, and my father, Richard, have been married for 10 years. My mother has long, glossy blonde hair and light-blue eyes. She was short, only about 5'7" but she was also skinny. She is usually cheerful but stern. My brother, DJ, and I were born before they were married."

A lil better, right?

One more though is YOUR CHARACTER'S EMOTIONS! Think about how your character would feel after a long time of insults and mean-spirited family. What would you feel? What would others feel? And see if it applies to your character, rather than just saying he hears it all the time.

Like when his dad calls him that, say something angry, or sad, or just something incredibily passive THEN stating the fact that he hears it a lot.

OH AND REMEMBER. PARAGRAPH SEPERATION. It's a main reason so many people go tl;dr.

You must always seperate a paragraph by new Thoughts, Dialogue, Actions, and Descriptions~! <3

Whenever i make spaces, it deletes them so i can't make paragraphs DX
and i see where your coming from. I do have to work on stuff like that >__> But what would i say for the angry part?

Quote: DragonCamo

Whenever i make spaces, it deletes them so i can't make paragraphs DX
and i see where your coming from. I do have to work on stuff like that >__> But what would i say for the angry part?

He doesn't have to be angry! Your character can feel virtually ANY emotion mattering on what kind of character he is, he is YOURS.

That's why I said think about your character's emotions and motives, it will help you in the long run for your story!