darkSpyro

I just want to see what people think of this. I already wrote chapters 1&2 so i just need to see if i made any mistakes of should change anything. It's one of my shortest chapters.




I push a hanging branch away from me. I looked around at the tall oak trees that blocked the sun. The air was cool. I breathed slowly as I slowed down my running. I walked through the trees, swatting bugs. I glance behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief as It didn't follow me. I hear the singing of the birds echo through the dark forest. I blindly walked to the edge of the forest, seeing the light shine through the trees. I see a small plant, blooming in the light. I smile. It was able to get the light it needed to survive. I push threw the leaves and enter the light. I stop and look around. I notice that I was at the other end of the island. I looked out at the vast, blue ocean. It seemed endless. I then notice a small cave at the edge of the water at the rocky part of the shore. I start to walk towards it until I hear a familiar roar that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I looked towards the forest, wide-eyed with fear. I pear into the leaves and see the sight i dreaded. The sight was IT. It started to creep closer. I screamed and ran to the cave. I begin to worry as the darkness of the cave started to rob me of my eyesight. I continue to run, yet again hearing my footsteps echo off the walls.

Quote: Pixilism

I'm no author or professional in any way, but I can see that almost every single sentence starts with "I". I would try to think of other things to apply to sentence beginnings, if possible.

Ya, i probably should change some of them.

Okay so.

You really have put a lot of action into it. So much, that there is no characterization for CHAPTER 3, the character has no thoughts or feelings to know what is up at this moment. The sentences are too choppy to be known as fragments. You have a lot of filler, you don't need to tell us what he is doing every second!

For example: "I push a hanging branch away from me. I looked around at the tall oak trees that blocked the sun. The air was cool. I breathed slowly as I slowed down my running. I walked through the trees, swatting bugs. I glance behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief as It didn't follow me."

Could be turned into: "Pushing a hanging branch away from me as I walked through the trees, I glance behind me and breathe slow gasps of relief. It's a good thing it didn't follow me."

Quote: wakapro77

Okay so.

You really have put a lot of action into it. So much, that there is no characterization for CHAPTER 3, the character has no thoughts or feelings to know what is up at this moment. The sentences are too choppy to be known as fragments. You have a lot of filler, you don't need to tell us what he is doing every second!

For example: "I push a hanging branch away from me. I looked around at the tall oak trees that blocked the sun. The air was cool. I breathed slowly as I slowed down my running. I walked through the trees, swatting bugs. I glance behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief as It didn't follow me."

Could be turned into: "Pushing a hanging branch away from me as I walked through the trees, I glance behind me and breathe slow gasps of relief. It's a good thing it didn't follow me."

Thank you, i will try to fix it. To be honest, i did kinda rush this chapter. I'll have to take it slower.

Quote: DragonCamo

Quote: wakapro77

Okay so.

You really have put a lot of action into it. So much, that there is no characterization for CHAPTER 3, the character has no thoughts or feelings to know what is up at this moment. The sentences are too choppy to be known as fragments. You have a lot of filler, you don't need to tell us what he is doing every second!

For example: "I push a hanging branch away from me. I looked around at the tall oak trees that blocked the sun. The air was cool. I breathed slowly as I slowed down my running. I walked through the trees, swatting bugs. I glance behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief as It didn't follow me."

Could be turned into: "Pushing a hanging branch away from me as I walked through the trees, I glance behind me and breathe slow gasps of relief. It's a good thing it didn't follow me."

Thank you, i will try to fix it. To be honest, i did kinda rush this chapter. I'll have to take it slower.

Rushing is a bad habit a writer gets. One thing you should know when writing is that there is no rush! Just write and see what happens yourself. Then read over again and edit all your different mistakes or gaps. People rush things all the time.

Quote: wakapro77

Quote: DragonCamo

Quote: wakapro77

Okay so.

You really have put a lot of action into it. So much, that there is no characterization for CHAPTER 3, the character has no thoughts or feelings to know what is up at this moment. The sentences are too choppy to be known as fragments. You have a lot of filler, you don't need to tell us what he is doing every second!

For example: "I push a hanging branch away from me. I looked around at the tall oak trees that blocked the sun. The air was cool. I breathed slowly as I slowed down my running. I walked through the trees, swatting bugs. I glance behind me. I breathed a sigh of relief as It didn't follow me."

Could be turned into: "Pushing a hanging branch away from me as I walked through the trees, I glance behind me and breathe slow gasps of relief. It's a good thing it didn't follow me."

Thank you, i will try to fix it. To be honest, i did kinda rush this chapter. I'll have to take it slower.

Rushing is a bad habit a writer gets. One thing you should know when writing is that there is no rush! Just write and see what happens yourself. Then read over again and edit all your different mistakes or gaps. People rush things all the time.

I know, i shouldn't do it. Anyway, i believe that this one will be better, well, i hope so.

I push the leaves away from my face as I look up to the foliage. It practically blocked the sun from getting to the smaller plants. There were wilting plants around who have lost the life giving light to the taller trees. My breathe becomes longer as i slow down from my running. Thoughts were racing through my head, such as "Where are my sisters," What was that thing," and, "I think im lost." The bird's song echos through the forest. It was a soft four note song. I tried to mimic it, but failed. I could never really whistle, it was more of Brea's thing. She would whistle or hum a song all the time. Sometimes, one of us would complain but all she would say is, "Deal with it." The edge of the forest started to come into view. The light shone through the foliage at this point. I smiled as i saw a small plant in bloom. It got the sunlight it so very needed. I leave the forest and enter the beach. I breathe in the ocean breeze as i look out to the seemingly endless ocean. It was a very beautiful sight, one i know Aqua would have enjoyed. A terrifying roar cut through my thoughts. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It burst through the trees, charging right towards me. I scream and start to run in no particular direction. Out of the corner of my eye, i see a cave. It was lone in the rocky part of the beach. I change direction and start to head towards it. As i got closer, i breathed harder and harder as i ran harder. I thought i lost it back on the other side of the forest! I thought. I entered the cave, the darkness robbing me of my eyesight. The creature was coming closer, so i blindly continued on, almost running to a lone pillar. I think it entered the cave as when it roared again, it echoed through the cave. My footsteps also echoed, the soft tapping of the sneakers.

Quote: DragonCamo

Quote: wakapro77

Quote: DragonCamo

Thank you, i will try to fix it. To be honest, i did kinda rush this chapter. I'll have to take it slower.

Rushing is a bad habit a writer gets. One thing you should know when writing is that there is no rush! Just write and see what happens yourself. Then read over again and edit all your different mistakes or gaps. People rush things all the time.

I know, i shouldn't do it. Anyway, i believe that this one will be better, well, i hope so.

I push the leaves away from my face as I look up to the foliage. It practically blocked the sun from getting to the smaller plants. There were wilting plants around who have lost the life giving light to the taller trees. My breathe becomes longer as i slow down from my running. Thoughts were racing through my head, such as "Where are my sisters," What was that thing," and, "I think im lost." The bird's song echos through the forest. It was a soft four note song. I tried to mimic it, but failed. I could never really whistle, it was more of Brea's thing. She would whistle or hum a song all the time. Sometimes, one of us would complain but all she would say is, "Deal with it." The edge of the forest started to come into view. The light shone through the foliage at this point. I smiled as i saw a small plant in bloom. It got the sunlight it so very needed. I leave the forest and enter the beach. I breathe in the ocean breeze as i look out to the seemingly endless ocean. It was a very beautiful sight, one i know Aqua would have enjoyed. A terrifying roar cut through my thoughts. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It burst through the trees, charging right towards me. I scream and start to run in no particular direction. Out of the corner of my eye, i see a cave. It was lone in the rocky part of the beach. I change direction and start to head towards it. As i got closer, i breathed harder and harder as i ran harder. I thought i lost it back on the other side of the forest! I thought. I entered the cave, the darkness robbing me of my eyesight. The creature was coming closer, so i blindly continued on, almost running to a lone pillar. I think it entered the cave as when it roared again, it echoed through the cave. My footsteps also echoed, the soft tapping of the sneakers.

This is certainly an improvement! I'm impressed c:

You still need some work though! but you are making good progress.

Mattering on the characters emotions, you should really dig deeper into who your character is. Think about how YOU would feel if some random monster came running at you, then think about your character.

You are describing setting really well and you managed to fit that into your action description, good job! But you still need to work on the grasp of things in the story, like how things flow together instead of it happening at a listful of moments.

You wrote like this:
He is in forest \ Thoughts \ Monster attacks \ He is in cave

You could do this:
He is in forest - Some thoughts of the forest - Thoughts - Thoughts on the monster - Monster attacks - hurriedly looking for hiding spot, scared - he is in cave

Still, you did great! c:

>Waka takes creative writing class in summer school
>waka is all knowing god

Quote: Bravo101

>Waka takes creative writing class in summer school
>waka is all knowing god

I take Creative writing in normal school, I haven't finished school yet.

Quote: wakapro77

Quote: DragonCamo

Quote: wakapro77

Rushing is a bad habit a writer gets. One thing you should know when writing is that there is no rush! Just write and see what happens yourself. Then read over again and edit all your different mistakes or gaps. People rush things all the time.

I know, i shouldn't do it. Anyway, i believe that this one will be better, well, i hope so.

I push the leaves away from my face as I look up to the foliage. It practically blocked the sun from getting to the smaller plants. There were wilting plants around who have lost the life giving light to the taller trees. My breathe becomes longer as i slow down from my running. Thoughts were racing through my head, such as "Where are my sisters," What was that thing," and, "I think im lost." The bird's song echos through the forest. It was a soft four note song. I tried to mimic it, but failed. I could never really whistle, it was more of Brea's thing. She would whistle or hum a song all the time. Sometimes, one of us would complain but all she would say is, "Deal with it." The edge of the forest started to come into view. The light shone through the foliage at this point. I smiled as i saw a small plant in bloom. It got the sunlight it so very needed. I leave the forest and enter the beach. I breathe in the ocean breeze as i look out to the seemingly endless ocean. It was a very beautiful sight, one i know Aqua would have enjoyed. A terrifying roar cut through my thoughts. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It burst through the trees, charging right towards me. I scream and start to run in no particular direction. Out of the corner of my eye, i see a cave. It was lone in the rocky part of the beach. I change direction and start to head towards it. As i got closer, i breathed harder and harder as i ran harder. I thought i lost it back on the other side of the forest! I thought. I entered the cave, the darkness robbing me of my eyesight. The creature was coming closer, so i blindly continued on, almost running to a lone pillar. I think it entered the cave as when it roared again, it echoed through the cave. My footsteps also echoed, the soft tapping of the sneakers.

This is certainly an improvement! I'm impressed c:

You still need some work though! but you are making good progress.

Mattering on the characters emotions, you should really dig deeper into who your character is. Think about how YOU would feel if some random monster came running at you, then think about your character.

You are describing setting really well and you managed to fit that into your action description, good job! But you still need to work on the grasp of things in the story, like how things flow together instead of it happening at a listful of moments.

You wrote like this:
He is in forest \ Thoughts \ Monster attacks \ He is in cave

You could do this:
He is in forest - Some thoughts of the forest - Thoughts - Thoughts on the monster - Monster attacks - hurriedly looking for hiding spot, scared - he is in cave

Still, you did great! c:

Thank you for the advice, i'll try my best.
This idea came to me when i was randomly drawling random people. Also, it's a girl.

Quote: Bravo101

>Waka takes creative writing class in summer school
>waka is all knowing god

yes how dare she try to help somebody on something they wanted criticism for