darkSpyro

Prolouge
Sydney

The ground was muddy and I was kicking it up all over my black outfit. Oh! I also remember tripping on a log and I'm pretty sure I broke my ankle. We probably shouldn't have chose such a rainy day to tick off those soldiers. Especially since poor Jessie had been pretty jumpy that day, and an attack by another group of Broken Shadows had attacked just the day before. Oh crap, I just remembered that I left Dark Wish behind me. And to think I spent so long programming that thing. Those scientists will figure out sometime or another how I did it, and then they'll use the knowledge for destroying our small numbers even faster. But first, where am I now? Am I dead? Did that bullet I heard before I passed out kill me? No, I feel bedsheets. I must be in the mansion of the family that shelters me and my siblings. Hope they don't mind that I'm sopping wet...

meh...

Chapter 1 (WIP)
Cresselia

"So there was another attack by our kind, eh?" I murmured, watching the news report on television.

"None of the military soldiers or the prince was killed or injured, but we were able to get a photo of each of the Broken Shadows that caused the troubles, and we have captured a robot apparently programmed by one of the Broken Shadows." reported the news reporter on the tv.

"That's a shame." I said, as I watched the pictures appear on the screen.
"So, those three tried another attack, huh? Shame that the girl lost her robot. It meant a lot to her." said a voice.
I whipped around to see a boy with silver blue hair and storm grey eyes walk up to me.
"I guess so, brother." I said.
"You know, you can just call me by my name. I'm not royalty." said my brother with a grin.
I smiled. "Whatever pleases you, William." I said.
Will smiled and we turned back to the small television.

"Anyone who catches these criminals dead or alive, will receive a reward. Please bring us this girl alive, though." said the reporter.

The picture of a tall girl with long gold hair and gold amber eyes wearing all black appeared on the screen.
"Looks like they must need her for something if they want her alive." I said in thought.
"Well sis, she was the one who programmed that robot." said William.
I shrugged.
"Just another person that we need to help out." I said.
William grinned.
"That's the spirit!" he said.
He turned and looked at the picture again.
"She's pretty cute, I think." he said.
I shook my head.
"Oh William. Let's go. I'm starved." I said, standing up and leaving the small hideout.
Will smiled and turned off the tv before following behind me.

I looked around with a sigh.
"Not many places that we go to for food. Guess we'll have to steal today if we want a satisfying meal." I said.
"I'm game." said William with a grin.
"Of course you are Will. Of course you are." I said, quietly heading toward a grocery store.

Quote: SpyraArtisan

meh...

I'm only thirteen! Cut meh some slack! I might change the prologue!

Quote: Spyrobaro

And I'm only twelve. But I'm gonna just say two things.

It needs to be a bit more detailed. Describe things (like the bedsheets, how do they feel?) better.

On a positive note, this is interesting. You did a great job trying to hook anyone who reads it in.

(in semi-creepy deep voice)
Mmm, yeah, dem bed sheets.

Frankly, I tried to read it, but lost interest halfway through the first sentence.

Thanks for the comments! I'll improve on it!

I'm going to give advice here. Brace yourself for nonsense followed by random rules o the internet in this section. But, the story is pretty good.

Why don't you post it in the non spyro section? I have my story there......that only has two chapters.

Quote: DragonCamo

Why don't you post it in the non spyro section? I have my story there......that only has two chapters.

I'm pretty sure she has her reasons like,

not many people check there

And if possible chance of trolling, mods will not help her there.

It's good so far, but year more descriptions and things would definitely improve.

I'm currently writing something at the moment, the prologue currently has 2000+ words.

Quote: Trix Master 100

Quote: DragonCamo

Why don't you post it in the non spyro section? I have my story there......that only has two chapters.

I'm pretty sure she has her reasons like,

not many people check there

And if possible chance of trolling, mods will not help her there.

True. It is really empty >___>. But do i want to take the risk and post the atory her and see how i can improve......
Anyway,
This keeps my intrest, it sounds pretty good. Your describtive in some parts which is splendid.

Quote: ReshiramForever

It's good so far, but year more descriptions and things would definitely improve.

I'm currently writing something at the moment, the prologue currently has 2000+ words.

Holy ****, are you typing a novel?

Quote: Trix Master 100

Quote: ReshiramForever

It's good so far, but year more descriptions and things would definitely improve.

I'm currently writing something at the moment, the prologue currently has 2000+ words.

Holy ****, are you typing a novel?

probably idk

The story is pretty good, however more details and descriptions would improve it.

Alright! Thank you everyone!