Now... I've just read it and I'll tell you what I think...
You're story lacks paragraphs, which makes it harder to read. You should break a lot more, and remember when a character speaks it goes onto a new line. Umm.. spelling mistakes (but that doesn't matter) and there are several speech mistake but thats fixable. That's pretty much the grammar.
The contents of the story... A prologue is about description, not the story itself. My book's prologue does not mention any of the character's name until they are spoken by another character. You begin describing the scene, using the most creative and greatest language, then lead them on by giving them a hint of what is happening here at the time. THAT is what hooks the reader in.
A huge point to say, is avoid using, 'then he...' and 'and then' whenever you can. Try to say that absolutely as little as you possibly can.
The action scenes must be quick and snappy, and not built purely of movement sentences. For example, here's one from my book:
" The group plouged a few hundred metres through the gargantuan storm until they as was predicted predators began to swallow them from every side. The hunger-driven beasts snapped and lashed out at their necks.
The rolls of thunder shook Matt by his shoulders only to be followed by a blazing streak of lightning slashing across the face of the battle right beside them. Norva pulled upwards suddenly, and Matt had to lunge to hoist himself up enough to be stable. Norva's jaws snapped, closing down on a predator that was unlucky as its decrepit tail caught between Norva's bladed teeth. The predator was decapitated and its headless body began falling through the darkness that gaped from the valley below. His tail whipped, slashing many Predators across the face and they screeched in the pain.
There was an assaulting screech from above, and Matt’s head was drawn to see the snarling no faced form of a Predator diving towards him with wings pulled aerodynamically, arms outstretched and attempting to maim him in any way it could. These predators were suicidal, not considering the consequences of anything nor did they care if they were killed. That was the first thing he had learnt from Whitecraft: Predators, they were the perfect soldiers.
With one swing of his long sword, he coincidentally struck the Predator in the mouth and down its throat. It recoiled and with a desperate flap of its wings, it failed and released its last scream. "
I wrote there, after that you would find an interval in a way where you have more story. because a fight scene needs to be more than just bolts of fire everywhere... you need to have a progression of events. My book next talks about Valora falling off her dragon, but it is built into the fight scenes.
Also, with more than two characters talking you need to state who talks at what times.
Overall, I like your style because the fact that a character is built around the circumstances at the beginning, not the choices which is more common. My book begins circumstance driven, then turns to choices.
oh and here you go:
//forum.darkspyro.net/spyro/viewposts.php?topic=25108
I started writing then I was about 11... so its not nearly as good as the later chapters
) I am but a humble old man who, just so happens, to like training elementals like you two." We turned to him. All we saw was a flash of energy, and BAM! We were now in his domain. It was a large round room, no walls, just space. He looked at us and smiled. "Hello, I am Subpence, you are my first two students. I was aware of your little problem. I am a trainer of the highest caliber. I am assigned to train and raise the strongest hero the universe has ever known. You are going to have to train under me from now on. I don't train my pupils like Lord Vega does. I take an aproach you two are firmilliar with. I force you two to fight the strongest opponents of all of time."
darkspyro
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