darkSpyro

last story topic i sended in, no-one liked it!!! i had to shange my story after that! heres the new story!

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, THE NEW DRAGON

CHAPTER 1

once, in a galaxy far far far far away lived a red dragon called Shadow!
The dragon was called shadow because she had the power of darkness.
All the outher dragons were scared of her because they thought she was going to kill them,every time she tryed to say hello, they ran away! She was a very lonely dragon but out there was also another lonely dragon called Hamalock. Dragons were scared of him because he had the power of fear and everytime he roared, fear balls would shoot out of his mouth and scare everyone away! One day, Shadow was flying over a feild full of baby dragons playing chase and play fighting with each other, there were also daisys everywhere. SMASH!!!!!!!! She flew right into another dragon who was also not concotrating on were he was flying! "Hey watch where your going" yelled shadow furiosly. "Well, OH MY GOD! are you Shadow? the Shadow that every other dragon is scared of? Because dragons are also scared of me!" interupted Hamalock. and thats when Hamalock and Shadow got together!

Too fast, needs a title and plot, caps needed too.

its only scrap so theres no piont giving it caps

Wrong section too, and there is a point in giving it caps. My story looks better than this.

this is scrap. scrap means its not the real story and what your story? can you tell me the topic!

Uhh..o.k?
My Story..? Click here...

that story is really good

that was good I like it

Shadow could be Shanon's friend....*just kidding*

Nice story!

FINALY I'V CREATED CHAPTER 2!!!! HERE IT IS!

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, THE NEW DRAGON
chapter 2

shadow stumbered thru the firelight alley where she had met hamalock, she was thinking about her day when suddenly a dark creature jumped down in front of her! it was midnight so she could not see who was attacking her, the dark creature growled so deeply. shadow backed off a bit but then turned around and started to run! the dark creature began to run after her on 4 legs but suddenly hamalock came shooting down from no-where,he saw the creature attacking shadow! hamalock lunged himself at the creature "ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared hamalock. "thats a wussy battlecry!" chuckled the dark creauture. "you just made my list" screamed hamalock as he hit the creature with a THUD!!! Mist flew everywhere, shadow could not see who was killed but suddenly the dark creature limped out with a broken leg then slowly dragged himself into the darkness then dissapeared! "you saved me" calmly said shadow. "anything for you" replyed hamalock as he began to walk with shadow back to her den!

THAT was chapter 2. like it?

Yeah.

thanks! today i made chapter 3. hear it

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
CHAPTER 3

"What should we name it?" Asked Shadow. "We shall name it Jupiter!" replyed Hamalock. "Jupiter is a amazing name!!" screamed Shadow.
Jupiter was a small red dragon with a big spick on his tail! Sudenly, a pheonix attacked, snatching the baby dragon away from Shadow. "Hey thats our baby dragon" Snarled shadow. "Well its my breakfast now" Roared the pheonix "Oh and by the way, im called Ferno the pheonix and i love to eat meat" Hissed ferno. "Your never get away with Jupiter!!!!" Yelled Shadow."I just did!" Screamed the pheonix as he turned around and began to fly away. "Come back here you you stupid pheonix!" Growled shadow as she flew up and began fighting with the pheonix. The battle was harsh, Hamalock watched helplesly as the pheonix and Shadow fighted. Shadow bit the pheonix's shoulder but then the pheonix swirled and swinged Shadow off his back! Shadow hit the ground with a BANG!!!! The pheonix gasped for air then flew away with Jupiter, crying out in the pheonix's claws

THAT was chapter 3! it was sad but heres an idea of what the pheonix looks like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ly0-SEjlvkk spore pheonix
this is the old version of the pheonix:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHX4n2C5p0Y pheonix.
sorry its a dance, i could not find the proper video of the pheonix!

I've got alot off good advice for your story. Don't get angry at me. I'm only helping you out.

Fist, I will go with the grammar.

It needs to have caps. I don't care if it is only scrap or not, it still needs caps. It will look better, and draw more attention. Use caps lock with names, names off towns/places, etc. Only use one exclamation mark. And only use it when someone is shouting, don't use them for anything else. Make sure you use your full stops, and you are, which is good. Oh, and when someone is talking, make sure you put a full stop, comma, question mark or an exclamation mark at the end off it. Example:
"Oh, I hated your cloths by the way," Miranda laughed. "Bye something more descant next time." <-- notice the full stop and the comma?

Make the chapters ALOT longer. Most people make there chapters at least 5 comments long. A chapter isn't only about 25 lines long, that's only a paragraph. If there are some words you don't know how to spell, then type the word in Microsoft word, it will give you the correct spelling. Or use the spell check from Firefox.

Now, about the story, I'm going to give you some critical feed back on this, so please read this carefully and use this to improve. Oh, and please don't get angry at me.

Your story is childish. Mainly because the plot isn't good (it even lacks of a plot), the over use off exclamation marks, and the fact that you're going through things too quickly. The story is cliche. And the characters act like there a child. There lines need to be more wise, more adult sounding. Instead off "Oh, and by the way, I'm called Ferno the Phoenix and I love to eat meat.", it could be, "I'm known as Ferno, the terror off the skies. I would do anything to sink my teeth into bare flesh, so get out off my way, puny dragon, or feast your eyes on my burning power!".

If you want people to view your story, then put it in the right place, and change the tittle to the name off the story.

A story takes time. And if you don't have the time to click on "Preview Reply" and read a part off your story over and over, and make some things better, then you shouldn't even do a story.

ok EdItInG nOw In PRocESS

I'm glad that you listened to my advise.

yay! part 4
THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 4

"I still cant belive it!" cryed Shadow "That pheonix toke Jupiter!".
"Im afraid, theres nothin i can do" sadly said Hamalock.
"BUT THERE HAS TO BE A WAY!!!!!" pleaded Shadow "THERE HAS TO BE!".
"I said there is nothin i can do but go after the pheonix!" replyed Hamalock.Shadow STARED into Hamalocks eyes with her sad face and Hamalock could not take anymore begging! "Fine, we will go after him!"
told Hamalock.
"we? who said we?" Questioned Shadow "Im going after him ALONE".
"FINE" said Hamalock "when you get back, make sure you bring the baby!" yelled Hamalock as he watched Shadow fly off into the midnight sky, after the baby.
"shes setting off" sighed Hamalock.

THE NEXT MORNING!!!
Shadow woke and looked around, she had never been here befor!

>:(, this is an angry-face-fanfic

ok! i have finaly came up with chapter 5!!!!!
THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 5

"Where am i" wondered Shadow.
"I dont know!" shouted a big dragon that was sat next to her.
"what is this place?????" asked Shadow "who are you?".
"me, i am Blaze the welsh dragon! im the ONLY DRAGON IN WELSE
LEFT!" he sighed.
"what happened to the outher dragons???!" screamed Shadow in shock.
"there was one half of wales and another half of wales, the left half of wales wanted more landed and started a war with the right side of wales!
the left side of wales had white ice dragons and the right side had red dragons, every dragon was made to fight and they killed each outher and the war went on for 10 YEARS! after all that, i was the only dragon of welse left!" replyed Blaze "now im on the welsh flag!".
"thats horrible!" yelled Shadow with a tear dribbleing down her scales.
suddenly a cage door opened and Shadow's name was called by a small dragon who lead her to the arena and the cage door behind her slammed shut! "here you are made to fight" Said the small dragon. Shadow looked up, her tummy turned! she was facing the pheonix that toke jupiter!

that story that the welsh dragon said was very sad!!!!

It's slightly better. Keep working on it. ^.^

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 6

A lazer shot from a huge cannon that turned anything it hit into a diffrent animal! The lazer hit Shadow, turning her into a big snarling wolf! The lazer also hit Ferno and turned him into to a t-rex!!
"thats not fair" whinned Shadow, she was still a wolf but she could still speak english!
"this is fair!" roared Ferno,also still a t-rex and could speak english aswell.
Ferno lowered his foot over Shadows head, ready to stomp! Shadow lepted out the way as Ferno attacked her with all his power! finaly, when ferno stopped to regain energy, Shadow grabbed his leg then jumped up to his back then bit the back of his neck, causing ferno to let a scream of pain out! ferno shacked Shadow off and Shadow fell to the ground, blood was pouring out of the Fernos neck, causing it to fall to the ground and suddenly, the bell went and the animals in the croud clapped! the next round was ready and ferno was turned into a big spider, around the size of Shadows head! then the shapeshifting lazer hit Shadow, turning her into a scorpion!

You could use longer chapters

Quote: dragonlover11

You could use longer chapters

Heh. I've seen fanfic's where the 'chapter' is a couple of scentences. Considering that, Cynder 9999's chapters are quite long xD

sorry it toke so long to! i was to busy

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 7

shadow tryed to strike ferno with her stinger but ferno jumped out th way and shadow got her stinger stuck in the ground! leaving shadow open for an attack! shadow looked up and caught fernos front legs so ferno could not attack then she got her stinger out and poisened ferno with it then suddenly a huge dragon walked onto the pitch and rong the winning bell then he reached down to pick up scorpion shadow and declair her has the winner but shadow looked up and saw his sharp nails so she made a dash through a hole in the wall and got out into the outside world and hade a big shock! the outside world was like the south pole! cold and crispy with snow she started to walk out then the shapeshifter timer had run out and she changed back into her dragon form then she noticed a light behind the moutions! it was a bright light that shinned from hundreds of miles away then she had a vision, a dark blue dragon covered in crested jewels apeared! shadow could not believe her eyes!!!

Much better...plzz keep going....*waiting for the next cap*

Im a Wind & Electric dragon. ;3

♥Spyro♥ ~ ℓσνє уa ;3

You need to slow down and describe the setting more.

Not to be mean, of course.

I certainly agree. But it a very creative piece with lot's of lovely details and the plot needs to be more stronger. Caps are not needed, They indicate in Loot for shouting.

Quote: Whitedragon

I certainly agree. But it a very creative piece with lot's of lovely details and the plot needs to be more stronger. Caps are not needed, They indicate in Loot for shouting.

Caps ARE needed. There much more important then you think.

If you would to publish a book, and it had lack off good grammar, people would think, "What is this ****!?" and chuck it away without second thought. They would think that an 8 year old wrote it.

back to finish what i have begun
THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 8

The crested dragon padded up to Shadow but then disapeared!
"HUH??????" cryed Shadow "maybe its a sign or just my eye site gone weird!" she shouted and began running thru the icey desert but then she noticed some kind of giant bird flying above her, she gasped as it looked down at her with evil eyes.
"dont do it!" she called but the giant bird swooped and hit her with the tip of its wing "urghhhh!!!" she thundered as she hit the ground then she noticed it was swooping again with its wing ready with another attack but just in head height, Shadow jumped and ducked under the wing then shot a fire beam at the bird! this bird was not the evil pheonix that stole her child but it was a wild crested eagle. The fire beam hit the crested eagle and the eagle fell onto a huge rock, causing dust to fly everywhere! Shadown could not see but out the dust, she saw a big bright light that was shooting towards her and she was hit! She fell backwards and rammed into a rock, the crested eagle flew up to her and landed! It was about to finish her off!!!

thx for reading! more some other day

getting better

There is never a good reason to ignore capitalization rules... also yeah.. wrong section..

Why wouldn't you use caps?

^Yes, it's those caps... in my original draft, even I used caps...

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 9
The crested eagle reared up and flashed its wings, ready to strike! But just as it was, something burst through the icey ground and tackled the crested eagle causing the eagle to flee! Only through the icey mist a red chinese dragon flew up to shadow and landed next to her, she thought it was going to attack her but i did not.
"Hello Shadow! My name is Blazewing and i was sent to tell you something important" Said Blazewing "You must head to the charisithic valley where my master will be waiting with something special to give you!" Blazewing shouted as he began to fly off beyond the clouds and the icey mountians.
"So where would the charisithic va...." but just as he was about to finish his sentence, a strange red line trailed on over the mountian and a bright distant glow flew up behind the mountian.
"i guess i dont need to finish the sentence." she joked and began pawwing her way to the light slowly.

i liked that chapter. just keep going, its better.

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 10
Shadow padded up to the gate to charisithic valley and suddenly they opened and inside was a land of rivers,feilds and mountians.
"This ain't to bad" Shadow joked "i guess they did not want the evil spirites getting in so they put this gate here".
Suddenly a hovering lift under her feet lifted her up and flew her to a crystal mountian, covered with flashing purple peals encrusted into it.
"WOW!! This place is amazing" She cryed in amazement. The lift land at a big wide door at the base of the crystal mountain then the doors flung open with a mighty clank that startled Shadow and so she stepped in.
It was dark in the crystal mountain and all she could see was a a big crystal chair wit jewels encrestedin it then suddenly fire lights flickered on with a bright flash and a small puff of smoke then she saw in the chair was a bright blue ice dragon with jawels crested in its scales!
"its you!!!" Shadow shouted in shock " your that dragon i saw in my vision!!".
"yes Shadow, it is I! The mighty frost jewel and i have something of yours" Frostjewel smiled and reached behind her chair then had something that looked like a baby dragon! It was jupiter!
"JUPITER!!!" Shadow cryed!

Hi There!, I love the story!

Quote: DarkCynder_543

Quote: Whitedragon

I certainly agree. But it a very creative piece with lot's of lovely details and the plot needs to be more stronger. Caps are not needed, They indicate in Loot for shouting.

Caps ARE needed. There much more important then you think.

If you would to publish a book, and it had lack off good grammar, people would think, "What is this ****!?" and chuck it away without second thought. They would think that an 8 year old wrote it.

Full caps.

Like:
"STOP IT!"

aww, that was a cute chapter

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, A NEW DRAGON
chapter 11
ok guys, i am making this chapter longer because this is the second final chapter i will make more storys though

Shadow toke Jupiter by the scales of his neck in her mouth they gently dropped him onto her back.
"Where did you find him? Asked Shadow
"Well, Ferno flew over my crystal mountain and he had something in his claw so i went up to see but thn he battled me and i won and got your JUPITER back" laughed Frostjewel but just has she said that said that, she looked up to see ferno with to orbs in his claw.
"FERNO!! what have you got now??!!" thundered Frostjewel then Ferno looked down and snorted then swooped at Shadow but then Frostjewel jumped in the way and Ferno smashed into her the she fell back and shouted
"SHADOW!! HES GOT THE TWO ORBS! WE MUST STOP HIM OR... well thats the thing, the world will be ruined by two huge dragons that will cause thunder storms and floods." but it was to late , Shadow had been knocked to the ground by Ferno then Ferno burned Frostjewel with his fire!
"This is finaly it, the worlds end!" laughed Ferno as he placed the two orbs (the red and the blue orbs) into where they fitted at the top of the crystal mountain then they started to glow then two BIG dragons apeared from the light, there was a red dragon that held the power of fire and there was a dark blue dragon which held the power of ice! suddenly thunder storms apeared and and the rivers beyond the gate splashed and flooded.
"Its to late" sighed Frostjewel as she watched the two HUGE dragons clash and battle.
The blue dragon was called Dingea and the red dragon was called Concea who were frozen in mid-combat when the ice age was over.
"Dingea and Concea" gasped Frostjewel calmly

moar plz

last chapter eveyone! gotta be long and gotta be action packed
THE LEGEND two legendarys!

Dingea flew up (Dingea is on four legs but Concea is on two legs) and so did Concea then Dingea created a powerball in his mouth and shoot it at Concea but Concea toke the move by grabbing the powerball and throwing it back at Dingea but Dingea dodged it then they got into combat by charging and smashing into each other then the whole world went dark and the only light was by thunder! Thunder flashed around the two legendary dragons as they battled harshly then Concea grabbed hold of Dingea and threw himself and Dingea down to the land where Jupiter was standing!! Jupiter laughed as he watched the to dragons fall towards him but then he noticed they were not stopping and then he cryed out in fear but just as they were about to hit him, a huge black dragon decended from the sky in between Jupiter and the rare drgaons then used super scream, causing then to fly backwards away from Jupiter. Jupiter uncovered his face and looked at the black dragon as it shot dark purple powerballs at Concea and Dingea. Dragons that lived in that land fled as they two gant dragons threw each other to the ground and battled on ground, dust flew everywhere and both dragons were weak now but they both fell to their knees and suddenly started to glow, they were regaining power! Dingea got up and roared at Concea who also got up, both the jewels on their chestes were glowing as they stared at each other but just as they were, the black dragon threw powerballs at them that made them fall to the ground but then take off again powerballs flew everywhere as all three of the dragons battled
"If they carry on, they will destroy the world!" Frostjewel said grimly
Jupiter got up and stared angrily at the three fighting dragons for nearly killing him then suddenly, Jupiter started to glow, startling everything around it then suddenly Jupiter grew bigger and bigger and bigger then he stopped glowing, he was about the same size as the three huge dragons! They all turned and looked at him then all started creating powerballs ready to throw at him but just as they were doing that, Jupiter opened his jaws and created like a huge black powerball and threw it at the three dragons, causing them to fall back a bit then they threw their powerballs at him but he dodged them all and began flying at full speed then they all followed
"FOR THE DRAGON WORLD!!!!" shouted Jupiter as he turned around and started to do his black fury and blew everything backwards! it was like time had stopped and then time started again and all the three dragons fell back to the ground. they were all defeated! Jupiter landed and turned into his baby form again, everyone was startled that a baby dragon could do some much! All three of the dragons got up then looked around then began to fly off! Dingea flew off back to the north pole, Concea flew back to the volcano that destroyed the dinosaurs, the black dragon was called worolano who was a water dragon so she flew back to the sea! The sky became sunny again and the thunder and the floods disapeared!
"Jupiter!! YOU DID IT!!! YOU SAVED OUR WORLD! comon! lets go home." shouted Shdow as she began to walk off with Jupiter lookin like he did not do anything!
"now you!" shouted Frostjewel as she pinned Ferno to the ground
"your comin with me!"

my hands hurt from all that typing! i am changing this topics name to my storys cus im making more storys on Shadow! THX FOR READING!

w0ow, awesome...

Quote: GamingMaster_76

w0ow, awesome...

thx! i really really injoyed it! next i am goin to make a story on the return of Dingea! its really weird how jupiter just became a giant dragon is it not?

okay! this is my new story on the return of Dingea the rare dragon an he goes out to find Concea and battle him

THE LEGEND OF SHADOW, DINGEAS RETURN
chapter 1

Shadow got up and looked around, she was in the valley of Dingea which was her homeland! Jupiter sat next to her, Jupiter was 13 years old now and it had been 10 years since the battle between Dingea and Concea
battled.
"Where are we goin?" Asked Jupiter.
"We are going to red tree lake." replied Shadow
"Why is it called that?" Asked jupiter again
"Why dont you go and ask Frostjewel" sighed Shadow

AT RED TREE LAKE

Jupiter jumped and splashed in the water while Shadow used her attack known as steel claw to catch fish then suddenly, the water started to bubble then someone was swimming towards the surface! Shadow noticed that Jupiter was missing then a huge splash flew up and she jumped backwards and out from the wavey splash was Jupiter!
"OH I REALLY GOT YOU THAT TIME!!" he shouted in laugher then the ground began shaking and Jupiter stopped laughing then from the far distance of the mountain was Dingea flying across the sky, shooting ice balls everywhere and causing everyone and everything to freeze!
"QUICKLY! INTO THE WATER JUPITER!" yelled Shadow as they both jumped into the water and as soon as Shadow hit the water Dingea froze the lake pure! Shadow opened her eyes and looked around, she was froze in mid-swim and she began to struggle but just as she was about toe give up, Hamalock came along and unfroze the water by burning it and setting Shadow and Jupiter free!
"Dad??" cried a confused Jupiter
"Hamalock? i have now seen you for 10 years! where have you been?" shouted Shadow with tears of joy in her eyes.
"urghh" shivered Hamalock and Shadow could see he had fear in his eyes.
"Hamalock? whats wrong?" asked Shadow then from the skys, a green dragon flew down and landed beside Hamalock
"Dear? who are these two?" Asked the green dragon who was called Emerald

i liked it!

i,ve red chapter 1