darkSpyro

Cause Rainbows wont light up the sky unless you let it rain
And Candles just wont glow until their burned
You can't give up your laughter cause you're scared of a little pain

I am absolutely dreading the weekend.

It turned out okay, better than okay, it's turned out well. Nothing has gone wrong. It's all okay. I can feel good.

lesbian bull**** ahead.

[spoiler]i don’t know why i continue to do this. i wish i could just forget that ever wanted to make comics. that i ever wanted to draw. It’s just causing me too much stress and depression.

i want to get better i do but it’s never gonna happen[/spoiler]


is this weekend over yet

I miss you. But I think that I requested this fate upon myself didn't I?

Well I hope that you are happy with your life, because I know that you deserve all the best. Thank you for everything you've ever made me feel.

Received big ass tool box, I can shove all the paint tubes in it. Hell it barely covered the bottom and it's a lot of paint tubes too.

its literally a video game why am i so bothered by this

Man, I feel so guilty having such a nice life yet feeling so stressed out and depressed all the time. I’m such a lame human being, man... What the **** is wrong with me? Why am I so emotionally and socially stunted over nothing, over legit nothing?

The Calvin Cycle makes me think of Calvin and Hobbes.

Wow! I really do **** up everything! At this point, it's kind of an accomplishment to have ****ed things up this much. But, ah well, if you look at it the right way, everything is fun! On another note, I think I'd be really good at writing horror someday. I gotta do some **** right now anyway. Can't **** around forever, that ain't no good! Money doesn't make itself! Gotta get there, gotta start by getting **** done.

A man can only go so long without sex

Oh crap I totally forgot what I was gonna do. ****. Maybe it was important, maybe not, who cares anyway? Come to think of it I don't even know why I'm here right now. Oh yeah. That thing, I was gonna do that but I guess I'm... scared. Wow I'm really ****ing anxious if I can't even ask a simple ****ing question like this what the **** is wrong with me? It's like I haven't talked to anyone in a long time not counting that time me and Saki went on a date and even then that was in a ****ing dream so it doesn't really count and anime is pretty inaccurate at portraying realistic social situations anyway.

Eh maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Maybe I'll watch another sub of Tokyo Ghoul and then get something done. I'm also quite tired too... **** if I know what I'm doing. Uh, hey, zombies are fun. And vampires. And werewolves and ghosts and everything else, that kind of stuff is fun. I wonder if I'll ever be a zombie someday? Maybe a mass necromancy will occur sometime in the distant future and then death really won't be the end. Maybe it already isn't.

The IB program is good for learning a lot, but not for learning a lot about yourself.

Pretty sure everything thinks I'm irritating everytime I say anything. This is a common side effect of being a ****up who ****s everything up, I mean, of course it is. How could you be a ****up if you didn't **** things up? Not that I necessarily want to **** things up. Again, it's a side effect of being a ****up.

I wonder if I'm some kind of defect? Like maybe when the higher powers were discussing who to make next, they accidentally got the ingredients wrong and created me instead of any other human that would... I dunno... actually be good at being human?

I feel like I'd be in a way worse mental state if not for you. I know you'll never see this, but know that I really appreciate it, and I can't wait to go home and see you again

I'm slowly changing a little day by day. I used to be all bright and cheerful and all that crap but what's the point? It doesn't help anyone. If I'm going to piss everyone off, I might as well do what I want and be "me". And right now I'm ****ing pissed. Kind of. Well it doesn't really matter, I never talk to anyone anyway.

It would be nice if I could just pitch my ideas to big companies and get money that way. But I suppose life sometimes, it doesn't go that way. Who would seriously listen to my ideas and think "hey, this sounds cool"? Everyone has a load of bull**** stories inside them but they can't just succeed because they have stories. First of all, they've got to be good stories, and from someone who's actually known - since I'm a nobody the chances of my ideas being heard are at about 0% give or take. This is because too many stories aren't actually that interesting and nobody cares. If I really did write a letter or whatever then it'd probably just get thrown away without being read.

I'm ****ed. I'm totally ****ed. I have so many ideas but yet I'll never succeed. I've got nowhere to turn to and no way to get money - I'm a worthless NEET with nothing but a bunch of ideas that will never be heard. I might as well not exist because I really will never amount to anything at all. I'll live and die leeching off from someone else.

I feel like such a ****ty human being... I don’t think I’m hurting anyone, but now that it’s been said, I can’t stop thinking about if I have. Did I doom one of the few amazing things in my life by thinking in this toxic, ****ty way.

I could just disappear off the face of the Earth and pretty much everyone would forget I even existed. I have and never will accomplish or amount to anything.

me



------

I don't want to make any more friends. At least, not to the extent that I befriended you two. I don't regret being your friend, but I don't think I can handle another friendship like this. I'll end up too attached and emotionally invested, and it'll only hurt me more whenever something happens to them that I can't do anything about. I'll stress out over things that aren't really my problem, and I don't think my heart can take much more of it.

God damn it, there is no way I'm not gonna bomb this test, and I'm gonna fail Geometry and am gonna have to do this class over again

Ugh, I should've just listened to myself and done Algebra again

How to unlearn the things we have learned? It is a process that demands something. But you know, and I know, that when we are standing before the Borders of the End, we have to pay and fade away and be part of the history never told, right? Just to come one with the silence of the universe...

Creep or My Selene, which fits better... Creep definitely. Because anyone who thinks this way is a ****ing weirdo. Myself included? Maybe. I try not to at least. And it would say a lot if my only means of consolation were with a fictional character. Then again, that's probably about as far as consolation could go with me. I don't exactly have anywhere to turn to but I would like to keep myself sane in the process of sorting out this whole mess.

i dont know what career i want ****

no. i wont let you have this much control over me.

as god as my witness i will never be walked all over ever again.

Love at first sight, or love that slowly blooms? I don't know. I've never fallen in love and certainly don't believe in any form of "true" love. Lust is a more accurate interpretation of what I think of love. Doesn't matter anyway. As long as we reproduce and don't die out then who cares?

This has happened last year and the year before. I always seem to get really pissed off and things have just been getting ****tier every year... I don't even see where I can go from here. Seems like dead ends all around. That tiny last drop of hope I've had has slowly been diminishing ever so slowly, soon I might as well really be dead. "You should just work at McDonalds" oh well in that case I really am a nobody. Yeah it's true. All those people I never met and only seen passing glances of yesterday have already achieved more than I ever will. I'm worthless... below average. Everything I've told myself until now has been a lie and all my dreams and ideas are pathetic.

But I won't give up so easily at any rate. Maybe I'll change my mind in a few weeks... gotta be sure, gotta keep going. Not that feelings mean **** in these situations because I'll still be a total failure but at least I can try to stay apathetic. If I don't then my only other choice of emotions would probably be depression.

That reminds me of a McDonald's ad that I saw that apparently played on Japanese television. Basically, it was a short anime about the workforce in McDonald's and how it can prepare you for moving up at the restaurant. Can't find the link now, but I highly recommend you look it up if you haven't seen it.

Quote: Bolt

Okay, I just gotta say that I think it's incredibly unfair to class McDonald's workers as "nobodies". Maccas is actually a pretty good workplace that enforces rules and regulations that gives you a taster for bigger, more serious and higher paying jobs. It's real good experience and gets you out in the workforce. Certainly not a career choice, but I hate how people look down on others who work at maccas. It's a good starter job that gives you real good experience. Its something good to put on the resume. And, they only hire from within. I have a friend who is very very high up in maccas now all because she worked there as a casual when she was sixteen/seventeen. Now she's doing something high up in the toy department!! So it is a possible career choice as well, if you stick with the company you can really really go places.

But you have to deal with people, so...

december is becoming the ****tiest month of the year. i lost something really important to me a few days ago and tomorrow is one year since my cat passed away. some people dont think you should be hung up over losing your animals for so long. but when you love them so much it's impossible to get over it. and dealing with the guilt is just as hard as dealing with the loss. there's so many things that couldve been done differently.

Damn I'm like, crazy in love with you, it's ridiculous. 3 days seems so far away...

This is pointless. What do I hope to gain? Compassion? The only compassion I'll ever get is from fictional characters... which equates to none at all. But why? Why do I need compassion anyway? I've always been better doing things my own way. The only compassion I'd receive from others would be "shut up and do as you're told" which is far from helpful. Sometimes it really is better to keep things bottled up. They'd only bring me down otherwise and my confidence is low enough as it is.

Has anyone even achieved anything of note this way? If that's the way things are then, yes, I really am useless. I don't want to become another nameless person. That just isn't like me... I've always longed for something more, to go beyond the boundaries.

Then again everything I've told myself until now has been a lie too it seems. So I might as well just be dead and nonexistent, nobody would ever notice. If I wasn't here now even the butterfly effect would be completely minimal if at all. Yet still for so long as I am here I will continue reaching for the stars, I have never given up so easily. Maybe I will succeed someday.

It looks like **** might finally get going next week but I'm thinking to all the worst case scenarios again. I mean, it probably will **** up. Then I am well and truly ****ed. This is it... my seemingly only chance. Or one of many? Pretty sure I missed plenty of opportunities before so this might be the same.

I'll wait till January to start considering the really silly **** either way.

It's not a game
I'm not a robot AI challenging you
I'm not a phantom
I'm in your face and
I'm here to see it through

No no please stop, please stop me I don't want to have a breakdown, not like this, I want this to stop I shouldn't be doing this, please stop pleasr

- - -

i don't know what i need.

If anything, love should be used to make yourself a better person. It's supposed to be a positive emotion after all? Yet I'd still say lust and greed are quite dangerous... lust, in my eyes, being a form of greed. This doesn't mean love is evil though. Love and lust are two different things but I believe lust is more common. If true love does exist however then yes I believe it should make for better and not for worse.
I feel like I'm a romantic at heart but as far as I'm concerned money and material is something I can trust more. People can betray you, material cannot. It's always there. It might not be the morally healthiest mindset but since I've never felt any particular empathy, why should I believe in that? Or maybe I already have, although this isn't a healthy mindset in the least. I should keep my faith in money.
If, and that's a big if, things actually go right for once then I would need to start getting my **** together by next week. I still haven't got what I came here for. If I can't, I can consider this another failure and myself a coward once more. Like always. Either way, I'll need this all sorted out by next week or I'm totally ****ed. Maybe then I can start going crazy... but I'd rather be sane.

Well I came into this topic and decided to write the first thing that came into my mind perhaps as a way of wasting even more time. I'll probably regret this in the morning. I have no idea if anything I type makes sense or if it's just bat**** ramblings. Ah well, I'll just have to regret my crappy decisions tomorrow morning. Maybe someone will get a good laugh out of this at least.

You're a good person after all

I've got so much crap I need to sort out. Even then maybe I'll mess up, even then maybe things will go wrong. The very least I can do is try to fix things. Better to try than avoid altogether right? Yet things still may go right. So even with that miniscule chance there is still a reason. What better can I do? I need to try.
I can fall in love. Though I don't see how anyone could fall in love with me... I am a terrible person. In the rare chance that we ever meet I'd at least like to be a little less of a cowardly mess. Again, I can still try. It's never too late. And isn't love supposed to improve you as a person? A positive emotion should not invoke negative emotion. I would like to make myself a better person for her.
I'll try sorting out my ideas into a timeline again. Try making it more organized altogether. Right now it's a mess, perhaps it truly will never be of use but it's still a more productive use of my time.
I'm kinda pissed right now. I need to improve...

I'm being completely honest when I say that this was one of the worst weeks of my life. Tomorrow is the final hurdle, and then hopefully I can finally relax.

Ahh it really is the most wonderful time of the year.

That was an experience I NEVER thought I would ever have. It was stressful and surreal, and not the least bit normal. But it was also so fascinating, and that's the part I need to focus on, the positive. I need to, but more importantly, he needs me to.

i wish i wasnt agitated

The exams for this year done, project is ready for presentation and Christmas vacation is coming around the corner, and sore-throat's and flu's symptoms have faded to minor levels. I am content.

Man, it must be nice to wake up and not have to worry about the news.