darkSpyro

Should have started 3 years ago.....


Thinking about how long it's been, damn.....I've never felt anything like that before. Shame, anger, and sadness all mixed into one. It feels horrid.

is this stupid meatsack of a body capable of positive emotions because im really starting to think it isnt

idk fam. not really sure if i wanna keep my job here.

trying to leave work is..like...the most stressful time of the day because i have to worry about asshat leaving and you getting mad at me.

i have enough on my plate atm, i dont need you being like this when im triyng to leave

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i cant imagine being this petty

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i'll just shut up. not like anyone wants me there anyway

Loser loser loser loser loser loser loser!

God I am such a ****ing loser!!!!!!!

Please stop asking me :))) I don't want her ****ing number and I don't need her help, i'd rather die :)))

I wonder if this was a good idea after all...

I get sooo giddy and happy when people call me that, I really enjoy it. AAAAHHHH Happy thoughts! Even if it's just in that chat place and group!~ <3

Dear lord, I am an idiot. Acknowledging one's own intellectual limitations and horrid state of wisdom does not help when concepts you try to learn are actually out of your nature-given abilities. Well, let's hope that the lottery ticket gives me the jackpot someday or else I'm in for a miserable and not-even-mediocre professional and personal life.

The worst part about trying to get better with controlling your emotions is knowing the damage that was caused by a previous lack of control.

I’ve probably turned off so many friends forever and now whenever I see them, I just got super guilty and can’t bring myself to apologize and start over. I’ve been given so many chances with other people to get my **** together and just squandered it in the heat of a moment.

Guess I was wrong. I... I need to stop this. I thought I needed to talk to others to help myself, but it doesn't work. I need to keep my problems to myself and only myself. Anything else just makes things worse, and that's not good.

well, that went well
now i have some strategies to cope now, and im feeling good about today!! i can do it!!

honestly you are kind of annoying

You're telling me that you have no idea what you said that made him think you were breaking up with him even though you literally said exactly that to him?

I'm probably not a good person. Nobody likes me and I only irritate other people when I speak. The best option is to shut up and get back to Theater of Pain, that's the only productive thing I can do right now. I'm worried that things will go wrong but it's not like I've got anything better to do anyway. What have I got to lose anymore?

EDIT: Oh yeah, and as I remembered last night, I have a perfect alternative if ToP fails. That may become the best mistake I have ever made, who knows? Sometimes mistakes are good things after all. I still don't understand why anybody liked that but it certainly seemed to have worked.

Aaaaaaaaaargh this is so damn confusing

Man, I need to find a better place to dissociate besides the bathroom.

Mm hmm. Exactly as I expected. I call you out on your bull****, and backed into a corner with nothing to say for yourself, you break down and play the victim card to get me to sympathize with you. Well it's not gonna work. I ain't falling for that anymore. You brought this on yourself and now you get to suffer the consequences.

Seriously, could you at least tell me before you DELETE ALL THE WORK I DID LAST NIGHT!

Down and back second whistle! *first whistle* *second whistle*

I knew it. Trying this will just make me really depressed and I don't think I will have the willpower to go through that again. I completely lack the motivation, the only real reason I can think of that would keep me going is the idea of money. I need to try it anyway.

damn, i forgot what its like to be happy and confident
i LOVE it

i wanna message my ex girlfriend because it's been 4 months and i still miss her so much and think about her all the time and it's ****ing me up...but i dont know if i should.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. It's 1AM and I don't feel sleepy. Well I guess that now I'm effectively suspended from college there's no reason to keep any kind of sleep pattern again... I've got something far more important anyway. I shouldn't care about anything else now.

Why don't I skip the main descriptions and move on to the minimal right now? I have plenty of ideas I want to write down but I'll likely forget about them if I spend too long deciding how a single battle will play out.

@the person who PM'd me regarding my PT: i tried to reply but it appears you've blocked me...? :/

can't let anyone in. they all hurt me eventually. gotta distance myself

Okay my eyes are starting to feel heavy so I guess I should sleep now. I've got a basic outline of the first part of the game, that should be good enough for now.

lol so i was reading through an old topic in the yotd board and came across an argument between me and mariofanstar, in which i saw he made ME apologise for HIM being a dick...well, it's been six years, but if you ever read this mariofanstar..you're a ****ing idiot and no i am not sorry. dick.

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There are several things I could do right now. Which one would yield the greatest positive results? I'm not sure. I'd like to go full steam ahead with ToP, but that might not be a good idea in my current mental state. Perhaps I should try using this time to ease my mind a little instead. But can I even do that, when my mind is only thinking of how useless I am? I need to try and achieve something no matter the cost. Forget my limits.

On another note, I vaguely recall her showing up in my dreams again. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing. One thing's for sure, it probably means I'm not in a particularly good mental state, it only seems to happen when I'm feeling down. I am feeling kind of pissed off come to think of it. Do I want the dreams to come back? Maybe.

*Breathes in*

AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

stop.

listen, i know im a hypocritical ***** and literal human garbage that pisses everyone off, but can you please stop ****ting on my city?? thanks

I guess I'm not in a good mental state at all then. I'm feeling particularly more confused and conflicted in these past few weeks than the times before. This will be fun.

Nobody would care if I were gone, maybe nobody would notice either. I give no compassion and obtain none in return, just as things should be. I have nobody who cares about me besides my parents. If anyone else says "I care" or "I notice" then that is false because I'm sure I'm not any different than the thousands of other people with their own problems, most likely even greater than mine (who am I to complain about anything?). The only reason anyone would remember me in particular is as some emo edgelord. I'm no different, I don't have a right to complain like my life is **** just because of some minor inconveniences. I live and die just like everyone else... we all die eventually.

I have nothing going on in my pathetic ass life

I wonder what would actually happen if I just left right now? I wouldn't know, I wouldn't be here anymore so how could I know? It would only be a question of what happened next. I don't believe there is nothing but blank nothingness in the thereafter, perhaps she is waiting for me. Maybe that's what those dreams were about. There's nothing to say otherwise... yes, maybe that is the thereafter. I have no reason to stay, maybe I really should just go?

I mean, why should I care about anything anymore, I could just be denying something so much greater by refusing to leave. Because of my goals? What about them? Would they really bring me the peace and happiness I desire so much? No, perhaps not, maybe going to this place is the only way I can achieve true happiness. My goals here mean nothing.

Oh no, it’s happening again... urgh

when I heard THAT, well, I should probably just be happy for you instead of being petty, or, whatever this feeling is supposed to be. It's just hard sometimes, seeing "opportunities" fall.

youre really making me reconsider our friendship...

I'm not depressed at all. Maybe I was, admittedly, but I'm not now. Just a little conflicted is all, I'll get over it.

Anyway, I had another nightmare last night. Part of it was a typical zombie apocalypse which I get a lot, albeit feeling a lot more realistic this time. But doesn't it always feel realistic? Eventually the Grim Reaper showed up. He said he was going to kill me, that he was going to take me down to where nothingness is, just the black void and nothing more. He started waving his scythe about and almost hit me a few times, it was kind of scary especially considering how real it felt. I started screaming like a little ***** and woke up. How cowardly of me. But still, I wonder if it really was the reaper, maybe I really was going to die and I was lucky to have woken up. Well I'm not dead so I guess he failed.

Despite my trying to make Theater of Pain better than it was before I feel like I'm only making it worse. First it was everyone getting killed off for no reason, then it became some emo **** where everyone was just crying over their own problems. What happened to the horror? The first draft opened with the main character's mother getting brutally murdered onscreen for ****'s sake. It turned from that into... this. I gotta sort this **** out. I thought I seen some potential but did I really? If I can't get my **** together I need to abandon it. Making money is becoming my primary goal, edgy emo bull**** is the kind of thing nobody likes and therefore don't pay for.

opinions and truths make us dumber

oof x100