darkSpyro

I can't wait for you to come around here again, and bring back your alcoholism and aggressive mood swings. I can't wait for you to come back here and yell at me every day, insult me for no reason,and complain about my every move. I can't wait to be told I'm wrong, I'm delusional, and how you know what's best for my mental health. I'm really looking forward to living in fear of you, because who know what mood swing you'll have at that moment. I can't just spend all my time in my room with my door locked, because there I can be away from you, and sometimes I might even feel the slightest bit happy. We couldn't have that now, could we? Oh no, I need to be out there more, talking to you, because we're a family, and families need to be close to each other. Never mind just how horrible you act, never mind just how little you care about anybody else, never mind that you will have a mood swing and go from happy to turbo ***** in 3 seconds and insult anyone within your line of vision. It's not like I could ever stand up to you, because it would only make it worse. You will never change, never improve, and never be tolerable. Instead I just have to wait for who knows how long until I can move out, and maybe have a hope of being free of you.

It's not like I could move out any time soon anyway, I lack so many basic skills, because every time I've done anything, somebody's always been there to insult me for doing it, give some sarcastic joke about how they didn't think I could do it, or otherwise belittle me. I can't talk about anything because it will instantly get mocked and I'll never want to do it again. Every move is scrutinized, and if you don't like, that means I can't enjoy it. Even when you're not around I can't get over the feeling that someone will make fun of me for it.

Why do I write this like I'm actually addressing anyone, instead of shouting out into a site that I only ever lurk on, where maybe 3 people remember me? Who will ever read this? People may read it, but they certainly won't care. It's not like the people I'm addressing will ever stumble across it. I guess I do it because it's the closest thing I'll ever get to ever being able to confront them about it, it lets me vent every though I have to keep hidden away every day I'm forced to interact with them.

--- And now to talk about a different person in my insane and petty ramblings---

And you're going to grow up to be just like him. You're already as stuck up and self absorbed, nobody else matters but yourself. I can't complain about anything or do anything, because you'll make fun of me for it. You talk about mt behind my back, saying nasty things about me. (For the one person who might ever read this, I have misophonia, meaning certain sounds or movements send me into a massive rage for no reason at all.) You sit there and annoy me the same way for the billionth time, drumming your fingers on the table only because you know it upsets me. You sit there and are very careful not to actually make a noise doing it, so that when I do complain you can say in the most stuck up voice imaginable "How does it affect you?" I explained it a billion times, you've been asked to stop a billion times, and yet you won't stop. You do it just so you can be stuck up ass about it because you didn't technically do anything that should have annoyed me, because it didn't annoy anyone else. You won't ever get punished for anything, you're always very careful to only annoy me when you can make it look like I'm being unreasonable.

You always have to be more important than me. You have to make sure I know just how well you did on your test, or just how much more you know. You always have a perfect test score and get praised and congratulated, but nobody ever would do that for me. If you have to not be able to do something, then I can't either. You can't eat something because of your food allergies? Well I can't eat it either, because that wouldn't be fair. You are the center of the universe, and nobody else can do anything you don't want them to. I hope when you get older you'll realize what a massive asshole you've been, but you won't. Not with him still around, acting just like you, encouraging you and setting an example that it's normal behavior.

-----

I don't know how I'll ever survive after I move out. I have no skills, no hobbies, no social skills, no passions, no idea how to do most basic things, because I was never allowed to try anything without being mocked. The only thing I do have is a mile long list of mental disorders. I have no idea how to get a job, much less in a country where I don't even speak the ****ing language. I'll never be able to properly communicate with anyone here, at least not on their level. I always have to hope that nobody will talk to me, because between crippling social anxiety and a language barrier, I can hardly communicate. I can't make friends here, because I can't properly speak to anyone. Not that anyone would want to be friends with me, and who could blame them? I've never had a friend in my entire life, online or otherwise. I lack any forms of social skills, which isn't something that's able to be learned. Anytime somebody online talks to me, I can't keep a conversation going for more than 10 messages before I have no idea how to respond and just give up.

I need to learn enough German to be able to pass the tests at the end of the year, or my entire future is ruined. Of course, it's not like I have future or have any idea what I want to do, but if I fail this test I can kiss any hope of having any form of enjoyment goodbye, and say hello to working minimum wage jobs until the day I die. It would be nice if the German teacher could actually teach us something, but no, we get maybe one page of the book done a day. We were supposed to get the first book done in 3 months, it took us 8. He doesn't care about teaching anything. He's a power tripping idiot who shouldn't be qualified to be in charge of a pet rock, let alone a classroom. His word is law, and we have to do every trivial task in the book he demands of us. Every other question is groupwork for some unnecessary reason, making it take 4 times longer because you have to wait for the rest of the group to answer the questions, or to write the same thing. I work ahead in the book often, and I almost never have to skip something because it actually requires more than one person. Most of it is just asking for both people to answer the questions from the book their own way, then read the other person's answer. So I have to wait for the people to finally be forced to do their work and stop talking to their friends, when we could have actually done something useful in that time.

The people in the class are horrible too. 7 out of 15 of them are incredibly bigoted assholes who could get away with anything short of murder. Most of them are refugees from middle eastern countries, so they could do anything they want as long as nobody dies, and they will get away with it because "they just need some time to get used to the new culture." The class is also for anyone from 11-17 years old, so the youngest one (14 years old) also get away with "he's just a little boy, he doesn't know what he's doing, boys will be boys." Most of them have been here for over a year now, I'd think that's enough to at least learn that you can't go beating people up for no reason. The teacher gets complaints about them literally every day, but all he does is ask them to stop it, he has never punished them for anything. They've been harassing a 12 year old girl in this class all year, and every time she complains about it the teacher gets mad at her and acts like it's all her fault. Apparently to him, being harassed and saying something about it is unacceptable, but a gang of 15/16 year olds beating everyone up is fine. At one point some of them apparently gave an 11 year old in some other class a black eye for no reason, and the teacher still did nothing. He's so spineless he'll threaten to send them to the principal, draw that they have 2 out of 3 strikes towards getting punished on the board, and then let them behave just as bad for the rest of class.

They disrupt class in every possible way, it's literally too loud to learn, but he denies it and says it's not that bad. He rages at me when I work ahead in the book, because that "ruins his teaching plan," which is just "read and do these pages in the book, I'm off to wait around for everyone to be finished, yet do nothing to make these people behave and actually do their work." I have a few days where I have subjects instead of German, and it's amazing how much better I feel when I don't have to interact with him. On most days in his class, I'm wishing I was dead and feel like I want to kill myself just so I don't have to deal with any of it again. That's how horrible this class is, it actively makes me even more suicidal than I already am.

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I hate my entire situation, and there's nothing I can do to change it, ever. The best thing I can do is ***** and moan about it on a forum where nobody remembers me. I wish there were someone to talk to about it, but I can't even have a basic conversation with anyone.

itd be so easy
just drive it into my chest
or my neck, it deserves to be painful and slow
the best part is itd be such a perfect end
after living my life to try to make the world better, id go out with a whimper and effect nothing at all
the finality of all of it would probably feel good
the pain would finally let me feel something again
i should just do it

I come here in an emotional state full of frustration and a feeling of helplessness and stress from spending upwards of an hour trying to talk someone out of their strong desire and intent to kill themselves due to a video game and inquire about why this is such an epidemic these days. And I get completely antagonized for it. Seems legit.

Perhaps I'm just being the idiot that I know I am. I'm just trying to be the best person I can possibly be though. I guess my idiocy is getting in the way of that. Would everyone be happier if I just died? I've already long accepted that no one would be sad outside of general regard for human life

Any time I open my mouth on anything that's not just a ****ing stupid meme or joke I get immediately jumped on. I wish I weren't such a garbage human being. I wonder if there's anyone on the forum more hated than me

I really miss you. You were my only friend and you left. I know I should let you go, but I'm all alone and you know I don't do well alone

My heart rate and blood pressure are really scaring me today. It's probably just the stress of recent events, but I also have no idea what my blood pressure is like otherwise because I didn't have anything that could measure bp before today.

glad to see that literally meant nothing to you

interesting, these test results are certainly conclusive...
experimentation is wonderful, isnt it? im hardly the darwin or einstein of sexual experimentation, but these results are downright fascinating

I think I'm going to throw up and then probably have a heart attack and probably die.

Well I am just the grade A of ****ign retarded. Yet when I ask for a psychiatrist for some ****ing help about my mental issues that I want climb over, I get "No you're fine". **** you I am not, and you guys know that. Yeah let's leave the kid more retarded with other potential issues. That won't backfire at all.

My Dad knows just how to push my ****ing buttons. Sometimes I just want him to leave me the **** alone. Maybe I have too strong of a reaction, but I legit get set off by him sometimes and I want to punch myself in the face