darkSpyro

not ****ing cool
on any level at all actually

not only did you pour water down me, it turns out it leaked into my backpack and tuned my homework as well
now im ****ed, thanks dickhead

I had another suicide dream a few weeks ago, this time, it was as if I was in Heaven. I was in some kind of palace, and there were angels(?) there with me. They said they recognized me, hailed me as a kind of hero, and I felt as if I actually belonged, not just someone who was... there.

It was definitely a suicide dream. All my dreams of death have been related to suicide, from reading my notes to watching me kill myself for real. My only question is, are they just dreams, or visions? You'll think I'm silly, but I personally think they're more than just dreams either way.

There was also this LEGO tank I built a year ago. That showed up in my dream too, one of the angels shown it to me and I don't recall feeling so happy in a long time. Something about it was just right. Other stuff showed up too, like GuP... it was like a celebration of my whole life.

Ya know... I kinda wish you did just leave.
Because now that I’ve actually had some sleep and I’m able to think, I see once again that remaining in contact with you really isn’t good for me. All it does is remind me of how I ****ed up. And that I was never enough. And that deep down, I’m sure you ****in hate me. Why else would you have done what you did?
I just think about everything that’s been happening since January. It’s getting to the point I wish we never met.
But my dumbass never cares what’s right or what’s good for me. So I’ll stick around, and sure I’ll still care about you. But that doesn’t mean I won’t secretly resent you.

I hate knowing that but having no one supporting me on this.

These are just angsty teenager feelings, if I keep saying that maybe I’ll convince myself to stop thinking about them.

you dont deserve any of this
you dont deserve that house that youre just going to trash when you throw a fit
you dont deserve a husband that youre just going to abuse and keep around just because he has a big dick or whatever
you dont deserve a job youre just going to quit because its too stressful for you or whatever
you dont deserve happiness
not after what you do to people

i have every goddamn right to be mad as hell over you, but really, i should thank you
if it wasnt for all the thousand hits you gave me that led to lies to my parents about the bruises
if it wasnt for all the sex you so uncomfortably forced me into
if it wasnt for all the ways you held me back from socializing and actually doing something with my life, i wouldnt be where i am today
i would have been stuck under your foot, too afraid to find out who i really was
too afraid to explore my gender, my sexuality, my friendships, my future, everything

i cant wait for all this karma to blow back up into your face, it’s gonna be awesome
you know how you hurt me
you know how you hurt your family
you know how you hurt your so called “friends”
soon, this world is gonna make you pay the price for it, and your pretty little lies you tell yourself are going to crumble to **** around you

oh, and that little “good christian girl next door” thing you have going on? blow it out your ass
you and i both know youre atheistic as ****
it’s cute that you think itll work though, good luck failing
- - -
I may have got mine but you’ll all get yours

I have one dream, I dream that one day I won't hate myself so much that I wish I were dead. I dream that I won't cry every day, questioning why I don't have the guts to just end myself.
I dream that I will be able to look in a mirror without wanting to break it. I dream I'll be able to accept that people love me, because I don't hate myself so much that I'm sure people can't feel anything else other than that hate.

that was... interesting
i think i liked it

youre right.

I can be a pretty petty **** sometimes

I’m sorry. I’m gonna change..

My face hurts...

I'm an overreacting little ***** who needs to just stop talking and probably is better off dying.

More than anything, I just want to feel like I matter to someone. I’m pretty worthless, so if I was at least useful to someone, I’d at least feel like I have a purpose. Even if it’s just to make someone else happy.
It’s selfish of me when I think about it; I devote so much time and energy to helping others, and I have helped them a lot, but I still feel useless, like maybe I’m not doing enough.
**** it. I’m not happy, and maybe I never will be at this point. Oh well.