So what was the point again? I've realized almost all my posts here lately have beeen PTs. And they're all about the same topic. This is honestly seventh grade all over again, even if it's slightly different this time, in terms of the fact that I have people to talk to. But honestly.. do I care..? I honestly don't know the answer to that. Do I care about my friends? Yes, but I hurt them.. do I care about myself? Not particularly, others matter more.. honestly..
the only reason I haven't hurt myself over the many years is because I don't want to hurt the people I know and make them worry or something..
I hate it when people worry about me...
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Just relax, and the stream of time will take you wherever you need to go. Just gently drift along with the flow and you'll be there before you know it.
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 00:38:55 05/12/2017 by Ezajium
why does the authors color ****ing matter? we aren't going to see the ****ing authors color when we're reading the goddamn book. i have not once cared about the color of the author of the books i read are. i doubt a lot of people do?
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought
Was just so important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Some of the reasons pro-choice have for hating pro-life are so ass-backwards it's baffling. Like, okay, they're bad, terrible people for not wanting to kill a developing human?
I understand why abortion exists, and how it can be helpful. I understand why people are okay with it. I would never demean or ridicule a person for having an abortion, or supporting someone else's choice to. But I can't for the life of me understand why people who feel like it's wrong are treated as badly as homophobes and racists. The point is that we feel like lives, or the value of life, is being threatened. We're not hating a group of people for existing, or anything (to my knowledge?). How does that viewpoint warrant the huge backlash it receives?
Someone please explain to me why it's like this, because it's far beyond me.
Some of the reasons pro-choice have for hating pro-life are so ass-backwards it's baffling. Like, okay, they're bad, terrible people for not wanting to kill a developing human?
I understand why abortion exists, and how it can be helpful. I understand why people are okay with it. I would never demean or ridicule a person for having an abortion, or supporting someone else's choice to. But I can't for the life of me understand why people who feel like it's wrong are treated as badly as homophobes and racists. The point is that we feel like lives, or the value of life, is being threatened. We're not hating a group of people for existing, or anything (to my knowledge?). How does that viewpoint warrant the huge backlash it receives?
Someone please explain to me why it's like this, because it's far beyond me.
please don't flame me for this
My serious, legitimate answer to this
Because some, not all, pro-lifers aren’t as accepting of the other side as you are. They judge and try to hinder organizations like Planned Parenthood for existing, despite the fact that PP does way more than abortion. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what politics or religious reasons you have for not wanting to do it. It all comes down to freedom of choice for a woman and her body.
And if you’re wondering why people are ****ting on the Zootopia comic, it’s because it’s a ****ing Zootopia comic about Judy wanting an abortion and Nick opposing it vehemently. That **** is weird and hilarious, I don’t care how well drawn it is!
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 10:58:26 08/12/2017 by TheToyNerd
Some of the reasons pro-choice have for hating pro-life are so ass-backwards it's baffling. Like, okay, they're bad, terrible people for not wanting to kill a developing human?
I understand why abortion exists, and how it can be helpful. I understand why people are okay with it. I would never demean or ridicule a person for having an abortion, or supporting someone else's choice to. But I can't for the life of me understand why people who feel like it's wrong are treated as badly as homophobes and racists. The point is that we feel like lives, or the value of life, is being threatened. We're not hating a group of people for existing, or anything (to my knowledge?). How does that viewpoint warrant the huge backlash it receives?
Someone please explain to me why it's like this, because it's far beyond me.
please don't flame me for this
It's my understanding that these are the reasons many people don't like pro-lifers:
From what I've seen, a lot of pro-lifers care about a fetus more than they do about the mother and what her reasons may be for wanting an abortion (i.e. not being able to financially support a child, serious health complications that may lead to the mother's death, being impregnated by an abuser, or just not being ready to dedicate the rest of her life to having a child), not to mention numerous fake abortion clinics that have the sole intention of humiliating and guilting pregnant women for seeking an abortion. It also seems that once the baby is born, pro-lifers show little support for mothers who aren't able to care for their baby, despite wanting to force the mother into having the child and insisting that its life is precious. It really does appear that many pro-lifers want to make choices about a woman's body and life and they shouldn't have any say in. I have also seen pro-lifers spread false info about pregnancies and how abortion works for the purpose of demonizing women who seek abortions.
obviously not all pro-lifers are that extreme but these seem to be the reasons that really turn people against the movement
Because some, not all, pro-lifers aren’t as accepting of the other side as you are. They judge and try to hinder organizations like Planned Parenthood for existing, despite the fact that PP does way more than abortion. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what politics or religious reasons you have for not wanting to do it. It all comes down to freedom of choice for a woman and her body.
And if you’re wondering why people are ****ting on the Zootopia comic, it’s because it’s a ****ing Zootopia comic about Judy wanting an abortion and Nick opposing it vehemently. That **** is weird and hilarious, I don’t care how well drawn it is!
I honestly had no idea that there was such a large group of pro-lifers that were this bad, and I'll go more into that in my reply to C1nder.
I think it brought up commentary about the subject that made me confused, but the comic itself isn't what bothered me. Honestly, it looks melodramatic as hell, so I can't take it seriously
It's my understanding that these are the reasons many people don't like pro-lifers:
From what I've seen, a lot of pro-lifers care about a fetus more than they do about the mother and what her reasons may be for wanting an abortion (i.e. not being able to financially support a child, serious health complications that may lead to the mother's death, being impregnated by an abuser, or just not being ready to dedicate the rest of her life to having a child), not to mention numerous fake abortion clinics that have the sole intention of humiliating and guilting pregnant women for seeking an abortion. It also seems that once the baby is born, pro-lifers show little support for mothers who aren't able to care for their baby, despite wanting to force the mother into having the child and insisting that its life is precious. It really does appear that many pro-lifers want to make choices about a woman's body and life and they shouldn't have any say in. I have also seen pro-lifers spread false info about pregnancies and how abortion works for the purpose of demonizing women who seek abortions.
obviously not all pro-lifers are that extreme but these seem to be the reasons that really turn people against the movement
Oh my god, I had no idea it was this bad. I swear, I've never heard of those fake abortion clinics, and I'm shocked that I haven't. I guess this explains why I hear pro-lifers get so much **** for wanting PP down; all I've ever heard from them IRL is about how many abortions they practice, and I've only ever learned about their other assets until I listened to the other side. This upsets me so much. I thought these people I walked alongside cared, but they're doing absolutely nothing to actually help? I don't pretend to understand why.
tfw you realize you've been living under a rock for years
AmbushFan is back! Oh, and... potentially gory details, this time.
I cut myself, so... bonus edge points for that, I guess? My God, I'm not just a retard, I'm an edgy retard. **** me.
I don't do it to be edgy. I don't do it because I like doing it, not because I'm some edgy emo kid. I don't like it, I do it because it calms me down, oddly. Whenever I'm feeling pissed, I tend to feel calmer after I've been cut. Hurts like Hell sometimes, but nonetheless, it still makes me feel calmer. Dunno why.
Probably because I have anger problems. Doesn't everyone like to break something, or hurt someone, when they get pissed? I hurt myself. My wounds will heal - well, unless I cut too deep someday, but that hasn't happened yet obviously - but kicking through a wall (I actually did this once), that's gonna cost a lot to repair. No repairs or replacements needed for this subhuman. My bruises can heal themselves.
Some of my cuts have been getting quite deep, though I think "wider" is a better word. The little gap that appears when I cut, the one that turns red and soon bleeds when wide enough. Maybe because I'm using different objects to cut myself now?
I used to use a broken sharpener that I found at school (originally unbroken, I broke it), but I lost the original. After my lightbulb broke, I picked up some shards of glass, and now still have three shards left AFAIK. All others are missing.
I found the sharpener again, but I use the shards instead now. Much easier to use, less precision required. In fact, they tend to be more effective the less precise I am, the angrier I am. When I'm more pissed, that's when the cuts get wider.
When they get notably wide and start bleeding, they also tend to leave dried-up blood on my skin where I made the cut. I wash them off later, or sometimes peel it off myself, though it bleeds again if it's done too soon. I remember when I cut my arm at school once, and this happened.
I thought it would stop bleeding, so I peeled it off. Then, when I went into class, it started bleeding again. Very noticeable, and I'm pretty sure it scared the other kids. I was told to "put it under a tap, cover it with tissue, etc.", all that generic crap. I told them that I "must have scratched myself on something", and they believed that. Those idiots never knew as much as they thought they did.
Maybe with that separation you can get that boar of a daughter to actually help you clean. Seriously the main reason why I help you is because no one else does and it actually ****ing worries me that you'd kill yourself over cleaning while I work for whenever I get a job. Put that ***** into work.
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If you cannot handle me at my pumpkin spiciest, you do not deserve me at my pumpkin sweetest
icon from Empoh
Friends? I have none, nor do I want any. None of my friendships have ended well. So, unless necessary, I'd rather try to avoid making friends. Even if I did, I don't think a phone would help much either, idle talk would be useless in those situations.
Like my current goals that both involve teamwork. I'd rather be there, with them, sorting it put IRL. Talking over a phone does nothing in getting the right notes, or making sure there are no glitches. They're the sorts of things you'd need to sort out IRL.
Internet? FFS, that's even more pointless. Literally every device can access the web now - I'm posting this from a 2DS.
---
That's what kept me the first time, because I couldn't. Not just because I didn't want to, more like I just couldn't, because I was too motivated. There was nothing that caused this, not in the sense that I followed any of their advice - none of that worked - though I think I know what motivated me into not doing it. But, again, that's a longer story that I can't be bothered to post right now.
Will something like that happen again? Maybe, but I'm sure there will be a time when it all fails, nothing to motivate me. It's only a question of how long.
I see this as more trivial, if that's the right word for it. Something more of a question, does it need to be done or not? Yes or no? It's not much a matter of whether or not I want to do it. As I've said, I'm retarded, not normal. I'm different.
And just like there is no surefire way to feel motivated, there is no surefire way to become demotivated either. Or so it seems.
Maybe there is a way to understand this. After all, I tend to otherthink things a lot, so why not this yet? I could overthink Blind Guardian and make them seem ****ty, but whenever I'm faced with overthinking something that could actually be useful, I don't. Or it could turn out for the worse instead, in which case, it might be better this way.
It's a cycle:
Motivated -> indifferent -> suicidal -> motiated -> etc.
And it never seems to change, no matter what. I could be doing something I usually hate, yet it would still make me motivated. Then the next minute, suddenly I'll become indifferent, and eventually suicidal.
Sometimes the stages are more breif than other cycles, but they seem to all end up at roughly the same length once that cycle is over. And, of course, more extreme stages - such as feeling extremely motivated - lead to the following stages becoming more "extreme" also (like suicidal would become more extreme if "motivated" was more extreme).
I'd say I'm at the beginning stages of "indifferent" right now. Or something like that. I dunno how exactly this works other than these small observations I've made, which are more like tags to better help me understand. Understanding can lead to breaking the cycle.
And I really want to break it, for better or for worse. For many reasons. For one, it's that fear that I've started to develop, of what the next stages may be like if the previous was more or less extreme than the one in the cycle before. Like cherophobia in a way, and cycle or no cycle, that seems to have become apparent - any strong feeling such as joy tends to lead into some large bout of bad luck, leading into sadness. Or vice versa.
Would be nice to understand. And to know if I'm mad for thinking so. Sometimes, I wish I am, because that would be better than the alternative in some cases.
I mean, I'm already retarded, and I guess "mad" can't be far off.
i have returned from like half an hour of slumber now the universe must idk
And then there's this other feeling, one that I can't quite identity. A sense of lucidity, I think? Like deja vu, but that's hardly descriptive at all. With some slight nostalgia, perhaps, but that really doesn't make sense.
Like... I'm dreaming. No, like that feeling I get in those dreams. The Otherworld. Except I'm not dreaming right now? So how would I still get this feeling?
It's reaching midnight. The time when that tends to occur, that weird mind-control kind of thing. Now, I well and truly don't know what that is about, but maybe it relates to that feeling I get during my Otherworld dreams.
---
Like a pendulum, swinging back and forth. Catch it when it is right, and I needn't fear anymore, I can do it without hesitation. No motivation or other feelings to stop me. But would I know when this figurative pendulum reaches that point? Do I guess?
This time, there isn't much consequence for if I get it wrong. Well, there never really was, but now it's less than ever. So I needn't worry if I get it wrong.
---
Conflict is a vital part of every story, isn't it? Luke Skywalker vs Darth Vader, Batman vs The Joker, etc.. Is it like that in real life too? Would the world get boring if there were no wars or hate, would we revert back to the old ways because that was more "fun"?
I don't believe so. I believe in "the Truth", whatever that is. Something that, when known, makes the impossible possible. Defies paradoxes. Two things that supposedly could never coexist, for example, could coexist.
The Truth, or as some may know it as, the Meaning of Life. Same thing as far as I'm concerned. Both have amazing power, the power of knowledge. I view the Truth as something more vast than simply explaining the meaning of life, something beyond our current comprehension. Something we could never imagine, let alone understand.
Will we ever discover the Truth? I don't know, but I think it may eventually become necessary, depending on the course of things. And no matter what, I believe that there is someone - somewhere, sometime - who knows the Truth. Maybe not in this world, maybe not in this time, but certainly someone who knows and understands.
The Truth could make peace, without the need for conflict to satisfy us. No conflict of any kind. Just a kind of Nirvana - nothing but peace, joy, positivity. As I've said, I fear any kind of oblivion, even Nirvana (oblivious of hate and fear). But I equally believe in the Truth, something to destroy this fear, and allow Nirvana to become.
Besides, I'd kind of be breaking that rule, if I was scared of happiness in a place supposedly void of fear? An interesting question, one that only the Truth can solve for certain.
And I guess this also makes me kind of a hypocrite, given that I long so much for a kind of Nirvana, yet am also scared of it. Perhaps because I, too, want conflict because it is "fun". Again, only the Truth will allow us to understand in its completed form.
Just as I expected, and hoped. I realise that it is better this way. Besides, with all the silly **** I've said and done, I'd hate for anyone to acknowledge me as the idiot I am. How many believe I am crazy? I'm retarded, for sure. Crazy, perhaps.
Yes. Better this way. Better alone, without others. I'm sure it is a good feeling, friendship, or just the basic feeling of having others acknowledge your existence as someone who exists. I've felt that before, but not in a long time, and even then many thought I was the "odd one out". Even for the other autistic, aspergic, etc. people - extra retarded. But there were ones who acknowledged my existence, rarely, but they were there.
We all exist. Even me, though I may not be a "normal" person. And do the people in the Otherworld exist? Maybe, but I do not know... yet.
---
I think this feeling of lucidity, if it can be called that, is something between motivational and suicidal. Like being motivated into suicide - like, just not being afraid anymore. That is not the main feeling, but it is part of it, I think.
Perhaps ecstatic is another way of putting it. Euphoric; fearless; maybe even a kind of enlightening, like I can briefly realize something. Something important. But it does not remain long enough for me to realize what it is, usually.
Maybe death... is the answer? The Otherworld; the Truth? I do not know, other than that these two feelings seem to combine in such a way that it seems to have some sort of correlation.
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I will break this cycle, for better or for worse. I will not let it continue like it has been for so long. Or will I? No fate, only the power of will. Now, which way will I go, with this "power of will"? For better or for worse?
I ****ing hate this computer. Every ****ing day some new thing is wrong with it, for no disceranble reason. Half the time the iternet will just stop working entirely, troubleshooting doesn't know what the problem is, and there's almost nobody else having this problem that I can find when I search. Now the damn thig won't even ****ing scroll. I restarted it to fix the internet for the ten trillionth time this week, and now that it restarted I can't scroll, no matter how many times I restart this thing. I've tried every solution I can find, and none of them work. I just have to hope I'll get lucky and it will magically decide it feels like working again, like it does with the internet. How the **** does this thing function? Every time I get it working, it comes up with new and innovative ways to **** something else up. Who knows at this point, it might as well be magic making it work at this point.
"oh no you don't need a new computer yours works just fine"
Guys... I have something really important to tell you. I haven't told anyone this before, but I figured this would be the best place to post it. I hope you can understand. Please.
How am I supposed to react to your question. You are my friend who is getting ahead in life. Who am I to burden you with my dark and honestly suicidal thoughts and plans with you? I cannot burden you with that. It is not fair...
---
I might give you more opinions... for a small fee of course.
I don't know why, but I haven't eaten anything in two days and now I'm onto my third day. I don't know or understand what is going on with myself these past few days. I should be excited about two special days coming up very close, or what should be two special days but I'm not. I've had the feeling of being lost in the background, unable to be heard but I let myself slowly fade for some reason and I've been only a little sad about it, but mostly calm.
I don't know what's going on to make me feel this way, but for some reason I do. That I'm alright with disappearing even though I've fought so hard to be there... To exist.
--- Like fallen snow, I lay on the ground and wait for my turn to fade away, no matter how unique I seem. It's my gift to you... A true sacrifice...
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 19:50:13 16/12/2017 by Dark Lord
Well, that wasn't quite as long as I expected. 2 days?
I have had a VERY bad day. No wonder I ended up back here. Hopefully I'll be gone again soon... permanently?
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Oh yeah, and I lost my stylus. Now I've got this crappy one that is way too heavy, and it's much harder to write with this one. Maybe I'll look around and see if I can find something better.
This isn't that bad. I'm not edgy to the point where I'm gonna start crying over spilt milk (or lost styluses), but I know for sure typing or anything else using this stylus is much harder. I'll likely be making a lot more spelling errors.
---
There is another reason I returned, a very important one. I'll need to think about that. After all, superbans would also delete all the topics and relatively-good posts I've made too. Not just what I want deleted.
FFS it's past midnight and that damned thing still hasn't stopped. Not again... no, **** that, this is even worse than last night, and will only get even worse. I don't know what is happening either, or where it is coming from.
Everyone has a breaking point, right? It doesn't have to be something big. Just lots of small things can pile up, bigger things have that effect too, small and big things can both go together also. Big things and small things, can combine and lead to... this.
My breaking point? The final decision? Maybe. I had a feeling earlier that I would die today, a premonition or idle reverie? I'll find out soon... maybe.
I don't wanna put up with this, with any of this - big and small - anymore. I'll end it.
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I'm sure I have talked about the "Christmas curse" - it's as if someone in our family dies every Christmas. I thought it would be him, but even then, that didn't feel right. He just wasn't close enough to our family, nor was it even close to Christmas.
Who knows? Who will it be this year... me? It feels like some sort of supernatural force is pushing me closer to the edge, if you'd believe any of that.
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I think I'll finish Hey Pikmin! now. I wanted to do this on my final day, and it seems more and more like that could be very soon.
Only, what, 500 left? Not much more to do now. Then maybe I'll get my PS2 set up again.
And try getting a SA album out. I listened to them last time, I feel like listening to them again now - not Kamelot, SA is much better.
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No point in making a topic if I may end up requesting a superban soon. It'll be deleted, and so will all the posts. No reason to do so.
honestly my parents only care about how i make them look better rather than making myself become better. like they dont give a **** about what i do and every time they ask how my grades or how college is going and just ask because they think thats what every other parent does for their child. and then the next day they can proceed to yell at me for making them stress and how i dont do the chores that they never asked me to do. it seems like everyday they try to explain to me how pathetic i am and how much i disappoint them instead of trying to actually trying to talk to me to become better as an individual. and in everyone of these scoldings i only get told about how sad i make them and how hard their life is. they do this because they are too lazy to actually make a difference and instead only yell about their problems at me citing me as the source for their problems.
My headache is getting worse. Soon I'll hardly be able to think, let alone attempt suicide... I think. Maybe? I don't know, I can't think well right now.
After last morning, I don't wanna sleep either. Especially now I've come this far. Although, I may just collapse, unable to stay awake any longer. Maybe.
I wouldn't even be awake enough anyway. I can hardly think. This headache is getting worse.
I'll need to think. What do I do now? I would want to go to sleep, but... no, not that again. It'll just get worse. Tomorrow, I don't think it would be a good day at all.
I don't see how things will get "better". Every time they do, it just gets worse. A bad to weigh out the good, an endless cycle.
A kind of cherophobia.
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I don't need to think. All it takes is one quick motion, and it's over. Then what? I don't know. I have theories, of course.
I could do it now. But I am a coward - I need to stop that.
---
Maybe I'll just go to sleep... but I'm not going to give up that easily. I'll need the shard nearby. I don't want to let that out of my sights again, I want to be ready at all times.
Or... I could just "sleep" with the shard. A sleep where I never wake up. Sounds a lot better, when put that way. For now.
Why won't you text me back? I told you I'm here for you and not only are you not on here, you're not texting and it really scared me. I hope you're ok..I promise I'll be a better friend if you come back
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darkspyro
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