darkSpyro

Past the chaos of my mind

deep within the darkest depths of the madness one might call thought.

Past the indecisiveness

past the hope

past the fear

a single word rings out

quiet, but with the force to shake mountains

ENOUGH

I wish I could just let the past go. I wish that all this **** that’s done and over with would finally quit haunting me.
I’m safe now, aren’t I? It’s been over a year. I’m way better off now. So... Why does this **** keep haunting me? I keep thinking back to everything that happened and I sometimes wonder if I actually deserved it. But what could I have done to deserve that sort of mistreatment? The way they treated me... No one “deserves” that, not for any reason. No one should ever have to feel the way I was made to feel. No one should have to experience that.

I started having the dreams again, that's for certain. I've had one each night for the past five days, more or less, counting these new kinds of dream. The same signs are here, the signs the point towards my theory of an Otherworld. It's so palpable. I just wish I were more lucid, able to explore this world like I do this one...

Is there a meaning to this? Something important? Even for someone like me, this isn't the sort of thing I could simply imagine. It's too... different. Too different compared to what I usually come up with, too advanced.

I've had precognitive dreams before. Most don't believe in that sort of thing, but maybe there is truth to it? It's all very confusing.

---

What is the afterlife?

Oblivion? Paradise? Reincarnation? It could be anything, and that is what I fear. Mainly oblivion.

Is it the Otherworld? Or, more specifically, reincarnation into another world - in my case, Elysium, the twins, and so forth. My Otherworld.

What if I need to go there? I see no reason for me to stay here. Could the Otherworld be the world? Could this whole place I'm in right now just be a dream? A nightmare?

No way to know for sure, until I die. And if it is oblivion... that is what I fear.

If I knew it was the Otherworld, I probably wouldn't be here now. It was my fear of oblivion that kept me. If only I knew more about the Otherworld...

It seems more... complete. More like something that is happier, more joyful, than here. A kind of paradise, minus Elysium... ironically. Though, what was Elysium? Was it really as nightmarish as I remember?

These new dreams certainly seem more joyful. I don't have nightmares as much. But why? That is another good question.

I wish I knew. Knew the answers to all these questions. Of course, I won't know for sure if the Otherworld is the afterlife, not until I die.

My fear of oblivion, yes, that holds me back. Why should I do it anyway? Just for a shot in the dark at going to my paradise, my Otherworld?

I wish, I wish... maybe it's best to be careful what I wish for, maybe...

---

Whatever awaits, there had better me metal. And Megurine Luka.

That'd be good, lol. Maybe not as good as some of my dreams percieve it, though. But I don't have a full understanding of what all that's about anyway.

---

Do the dreams make me act differently in this world? I think so. First of all, I always feel extremely tired - much more so than usual - after waking up, and in some cases, I feel as if I'm not thinking at all. Sometimes throughout the day, or for a few hours at least. Like I'm on autopilot, unawake.

Then there's that feeling a get around midnight. Like I'm being mind-controlled. That is really creepy, that's for sure. My entire mindset changes, I see everything differently from usual. Metaphorically. Not with my eyes, more from my perspective. It changes at midnight.

It's these sorts of things that make me believe in the Otherworld. Midnight is unexplainable, certainly.

6 dreams now, 6 dreams in 6 days. Ha... 666.

Anyway, I'm sure they're not going to stop. I just hope I can make more sense out of the next ones, all I have now are the signs. Perhaps I should start a dream journal to see if I can connect the dots easier?

---

Be careful what I wish for... yes, perhaps I should. I don't know anything about the Otherworld aside from these dreams I've had, which didn't show much anyway.

I can wish for an Otherworld. One that is exactly how I imagine it. But still, that doesn't instantly make it real. In the end, it will still be nothing more than a hope. Not necessarily real.

It would certainly be nice if it is how I hope it is. That is not a certainty, however. Nothing is certain here. Only theories, what I myself believe to be and not to be true, and that does not change a thing. It is only my thoughts.

---

Going to the world(s) I have dreamt of. That's really what it comes down to. Of finally meeting the twins, seeing Elysium for myself, just knowing that all of it is real and that there is something more than this.

I'm sure my reasons for wanting it to be real would seem crazy fot anyone else, and perhaps they already think I am crazy for even thinking there is a reason behind the dreams. But who cares?

I am posting this to darkSpyro. darkSpyro, of all places. darkSpyro, that website dedicated to a purple dragon that somehow created a relatively large userbase (some of which can be total assholes sometimes) that don't even talk about any of the franchises anymore.

So if they think I'm mad or messed up, then what does it matter? I've never wanted any friends anyway, especially not from this ****hole. I guess it just shows I'm even more of an idiot than I expected if they think I'm mad.

---

Kinda unrelated, but I just listened to Sonata Arctica - My Selene again, and I remembered why the lyrics were my favourite. Also one of my favourite songs of all time, definitely in my top 5 for sure. Unless it gets knocked off by another SA song when I next revise, I have a rule to never repeat songs from the same band.

And... is this another SA song that ends involves suicide?

"This is my evenfall, my final call"
"In the break of new day, I'll fade away"

That would make Victoria's Secret, The Power of One, My Selene, and White Pearl, Black Oceans all SA songs that potentially involve suicide. Although White Pearl, Black Oceans is the only obvious one.

Kamelot - Forever is a pretty good song too. Easily my favourite Kamelot song so far, possibly in my top 10, but maybe not top 5. Quite similar to My Selene, and although I don't interpret it as such, I think they can both refer to someone who doesn't exist.

Yeah, My Selene and Forever are both awesome songs.

Frankly, this goes for either of you, if I'm to be honest.

lol im just the vanilla pudding

the thing people take when all that nice creamy chocolate pudding is gone

Me: Hey look at this story I wrote! It's a little long, but I hope you guys like it!!
Others: *crickets*
Friends who are very talented and deserve the world: Hey look at this story I wrote! It's a little long, but I hope you guys like it!!
Others: SO GOOD!!! I WANT TO SEE MORE!!!

Why even bother. It sounds so PETTY complaining about it, but I slave hours of heart and soul into these pages and no one ****ing reads it. Sometimes it makes me want to cry when even the people I trust the most don't even pay attention to my stuff, and turn a blind eye when I asked what they thought about it days after I've received no feedback. "Oh yeah, it's good!!"
Yeah. Bull****, okay. The moment someone else posts a story or a writing piece, they get immediate feedback, and even critiques.
I hate how the only people who actually read my stuff are my classmates in Creative Writing, because they are FORCED to evaluate it, in order to get the grade.
I wish I knew why. Is it me? Is it my writing? God, I wish I knew. I wish I knew so badly. This is why I'm so hesitant to talk about my story ideas.

No one ever talks to me anymore. I don't know why I'm surprised.