darkSpyro

I am extremely depressed right now. I keep feeling ignored or talked down to by people and it just really ****ing wears on me. I'm tired of it. I'm so goddamn sick of being "that dumbass friend with the mental issues". It's nobody's fault in particular, but my own ****ty anxiety ****ing with how I think. It hurts, it really goddamn hurts.

I ****ing woke up crying my eyes out, today. Ugh... Thank god I'm seeing my psychologist today. I'm at my breaking point right now.

I may have asperger's but damn I see where I get my special snowflake status now. Thanks Dad you dumbass.

I hate being like this, I know they are trying to support me but because Im like this it just hurts.

Not gonna lie. I feel like **** seeing everyone get together with someone and here I am, struggling to maintain the one female friend I have. I get that relationships won't make me happy and blah blah blah, but my god... it sucks feeling so flipping lonely all the time. My time will come probably, but ehhhh... I feel hopeless.

Why must it be so hard to find someone who actually understands me? I am beyond fed up with this. Fed up with everything. Fed up with humanity.

Everywhere I look, it's always "you're wrong" or "you're this" or "you're that", always trying to dismiss anything I say. For once in my entire life, can I find someone who actually understands me?! You wonder why I'm not super friendly when I always get treated like a piece of trash by everyone?! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of getting nothing but attitude! And I am NOT going to take this garbage anymore!

I'm terrible and horrible and insane and no one will want to talk to me anymore because its becoming more and more obvious how much of a wreck i am and everyone is going to leave me especially the ones i care about most because they have to deal with this idiocy the most and i will be left alone until i finally get the courage to die and i hope i get eh courage soon because it would clearly be better for me to be dead rather than me existing in this pitiful form hurting everyone around me because i dont know how to do otherwise

i realized the reason i immediately break down into a panic attack as soon as anything remotely goes wrong and i can't fix it. all my life i've been accustomed to being abused because of things going wrong, even if the cause is totally innocent and could've happened to anyone. but i get the abuse anyway because i'm the dumbass that did it.

i freak out because i'm used to him busting in the room and screaming at me that i'm a ****ing idiot and everything is my fault as soon as something doesn't work. it's that thing, repeated over and over throughout 20 years, that makes it impossible for me to be able to stand a situation where stuff goes wrong. it's why i can't handle a job, because i've been trained to expect extreme consequences for the tiniest errors, and worse for bigger ones, and getting screamed at is something i can't take any more of mentally, especially from strangers.

and of course i have this revelation while i'm waiting to be on the receiving end of yet more screaming and abuse for accidentally breaking something that i can't fix. and then even more that's five times worse if he can't fix it either.

"Abortion isn’t murder. Murder is illegal. Abortion is not illegal. IE abortion is not murder."

What the ****. Laws regarding human rights are based on morality, not the other way around.

Gotta love how everything always gets worse and worse with each day huh

I don't even have the energy to type out vents or anything because no matter how much I whine or complain it never fixes anything. I fail to take action because I'm just that pathetic and useless

I thought I'd be happy after coming out and getting that weight off my shoulders but I'm still feeling just as bad as I did before because not only do I continue to suffer from this dysphoria but also my intrusive thoughts are getting worse and my life hasn't improved in the slightest. At this point I've just given up completely because I'll never be the stronger person I wanted to be.

I know I shouldn't be looking so far ahead but I can't even see myself having a future at all at this point. I'm so surprised I even got this far anyway as I should have just called it quits in 2015 because my life has been more **** than ever before without one good day since my dad died. The only reason I haven't left is because I'm such a coward and that's only dragging me down even more. There hasn't been a single day where I've been able to relax without a panic attack or another long and painful depressive episode. I've always had things to worry along with foul and toxic people that have stuck around me too. And I've had nothing to take it all out on but myself because I still care too much about other people to tell them how much I'm being affected by everything.

Counselling didn't work because I keep everything in, that camp made me want to shut myself in even more and never talk to people again, I never get school stuff done, I go to sleep at 5 am and wake up at 3 pm just to do nothing but sit in my room all day wishing I could just go to sleep. I don't think I'll ever break out of this cycle...

I've lost the inspiration and motivation I once had and I don't think I'm ever going to get it back, I've already tried and look how that turned out.

Why do you have to be such a constant ***** about going to a ****in doctor. You don't have a PHD, the medicine ain't working well, and you thought it was ****in fake thing thinking it was a personal issue with someone at work?! No! This **** has been going on for 2 ****ing weeks if we don't see a doctor this week I may ****ing suffer even more **** from your ****ing disability to see that I need ACTUAL help. Go blow yourself for being a hard ass on a god damn urgent/quick care doctor. Like yeah the Caravan was a ****in issue, but you got a new car. I've told you this and that. You have no god damn excuse for this bull****. What part of I NEED A DOCTOR! Does not compute for you? Is it need? Because I meant ****in need instead of want. OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME TO SEE A ****IN DOCTOR ****IN HELL COME BY MY WORK AND SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE SAY GO SEE A DOCTOR I ****ING DARE YOU!

Actually mom I am sorry for being kind of needy. I mean you do and did put in the effort to help me and actually you know understand what I am going through. Unlike dad who is constantly "Oh you're on the computer, why didn't you go to work" and shrug off me being sick. Like you don't have to be healthy to use a computer. Dad should know that, considering what he did to the toilet the other day. Like ****ing damn

I should be dead, I'm a disgrace. I'm a waste of space who can't get a job due to a stupid disability which leaves me only barely able to look after myself but is never "bad enough". Everyone hates me or is tired of me. They just won't say it. It would be better for everyone if I just died

ive never been happier to get my period oh my god

If you're going to be a brat about communication, you'd best call yourself out too. There have been several instances where you have simply freaked out about something without even bothering to ask about it, usually with the info right in front of your face, and then acting like it was kept from you. Not to mention this was based off information I got from you, and this event was not included, so you can shut the hell up with that attitude.