darkSpyro

I wish I could manage to be more social.

The number of gaming communities I watch from the sidelines, wanting to be a part of them and I just simply can't bring myself to make the first step to try and join in. I shy away from actually saying anything and delete messages the moment I write them, because I'm scared of being ridiculed and mocked the instant I try because people would rather be mean and rude. I've already had that experience numerous times and I don't want it again.

My ex boyfriend cheated on me, and I broke up with him when I found out. Day 1 his best friend was texting me about how awful it was and tryna ****. Maybe it makes me a bad person, but there's a small petty part of me that's pretty happy about it. I've always been a sexual, flirtatious person but when we were together I completely changed all of that for him. I never flirted with anyone even jokingly because I was so dedicated to him. I stopped wearing leggings or dresses that showed cleavage because he didn't like it. He ****ed up and now I'm back to my normal self and I know it's killing him. Ultimately I still love him, and I'm still hurting so badly and I want nothing but the best for him. But I'm going to get over this and I'm going to look cute as heck doing it and he can't take that away from me.

I really really messed up my life. Badly. And it's too late now to do anything about it I wish I'd have made the right decision and actually thought about what I was good at. Now look at me. I'm useless, depressed, lonely and constantly worrying. I'm just a waste of space and it's not even an exaggeration.

Im struggling to wait. It might only end up being 2-3 years but that's a LONG time. I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to manage. I hope it's worth it and I hope I can do it. This is the first time in almost 2 years I have properly properly struggled in person which is an achievement I suppose but how am I going to do it for longer.

****! Damnit, I'm lonely...

Lonely, jealous and I feel inferior in my work. Damn, got the whole package tonight!

**** this! **** my over-emotional ass! I hate myself, I hate anxiety, I hate my stupidity and clinginess. What is wrong with me? Why am I so bad at being a normal, functioning human being that can move the **** on. I want to kill myself... but even then I want to do it over STUPID reasons.i can't even get feeling suicidal right

when your mother can't seem to grasp the concept of spoilers and spoilers are one of your top five pet peeves.

I can't draw. I can't ****ing draw. No matter how much I try I still can't ****ing draw. There's plenty of people younger than me who can draw miles better than I can. It's not meant to be. I should give up. It's absolutely useless. I'm not naturally talented at it, and I can't force myself to become talented no matter how much I try. What good can I be if I can't even draw A SINGLE ****ING NOSE THAT LOOKS EVEN SEMI DECENT. I don't know how to shade anything, I don't know squat about how to do lighting or textures or a single ****ing thing outside of basic shapes. I should give up. This is the one and only single thing I've ever wanted to do with my miserable worthless life and I'll never be good at it. I should give it up and lose pretty much the only aspiration I ever had.

God, you know, sometimes it feels like I should just stop talking to people all together. It feels like none of them actually care for me, save for a couple few close friends. They'll ask me a question, and I'll respond. Then they'll just rear the topic right back to them even though I was really happy to finally talk about my day and what ever question they asked about. I can even recall a couple times that I was interrupted by the person I was talking to, so they can talk about them.

Even when I go tell them "hey guess what I found that I'm excited about!" "Hey watch this thing!" "Hey lets talk about this random topic that popped in my mind that I like a lot!", most of the time they'll post a simple comment like

"cool"

OR, and this is the worst option that actually happens, they never reply until a couple days later with their own topic. And I'm don't wanna sound like a selfish brat when I want to point out that they never talked about the thing I sent them, or ask if they ever watched the thing, or just even ASK if they even SAW IT. I'm SO ****ING EMBARRASSED when I have to ask these things!!!!!!!!

It really makes me feel like I'm just being used as someone to talk to. Someone who's convenient, who's always there to talk about anything they want to talk about. It's like I'm a god damned stuffed animal sitting in their bedroom, seeing everything close and personal about them, but they don't know anything about me.

I can't even talk about a topic I like anymore without apologizing for it, because I think I'm annoying when I do. I'm so used to...not talking about myself. It's almost surprising when people want to know further details about my day other than the usual mannered "I'm good, how was your day?". Like, I get LEGIT surprised when people ask about my day in detail.