darkSpyro

I feel like she doesn't like me anymore

I wish I could tell you how badly I'm hurting inside. I wish I could make you understand why I'm the way that I am. But you don't want to listen to me, and you don't want me to open up to you. You don't want to hear these things inside of my head, because it hurts you too much. You just want to hear about sunshine and rainbows, and I really don't want to make you cry again. I've caused enough pain to others as it is. I'm sorry I'm not as good of a friend as you deserve. I just need my distance sometimes to deal with things on my own.

i just collapsed trying to sit down at the computer, smashed into the desk, twisted my ankle and sat crying and winded on the floor for ten minutes. i wish i had smashed my head on the desk. i still cant really feel my foot and im still shaking.

I'm sorry that I don't know how to do this well
I've told you how bad I am at this
Idk what I did
-
If something's not really okay don't be afraid to say that it isn't okay..
You know I'll try to do anything in my power to make you feel better
Just, let me know, so that I can help..

literally all of that is my fault
i dont want you guy a suspended for MY mistakes
im too much trouble for what im worth, im just gonna start isolating myself again from here on out

Something isn't right and I'm not sure how you think I'm just going to forget it. Why was he here at that time and why did he run off when I finally managed to get into the damn room? Honestly my brother had the right to ask you those questions and the answers you had for them only made me more suspicious. So there you go deleting texts off your phone and calling it spam the second my brother wanted to see, making me think that he looked scared for a reason. You just need to tell me why you came up with three other people and said that he was the workers when he clearly wasn't. Because everyone comes around at 7pm to talk about furniture, I'm sure.

I don't want to accuse you because you are one of the most important people in my life, one of the only people I even have. I didn't and still don't believe that you'd do this when you've stood strongly against it in the past. You're not that kind of person, right? So why can't you just explain why we had to stay upstairs for hours and I rang you multiple times just to hear you ignore it. I don't like him at all but I know I'm going to be stuck with him around us since he's the carer so I'm going to have to keep my eyes on him. But please God let me just have a misunderstanding of this because I will literally fall apart the second I find out you've been lying to me. I don't want to make any false accusations but at the same time I don't think I should be putting something like this to rest. I have no idea what to do about anything anymore, let alone this. Since my brother seems to believe you now I guess I'm in this on my own. ****, not again.

I know it's a petty ass thing to get upset to the high heavens over but god damn it.

I spent nearly TWO YEARS working on that character. Working on her stuff, getting her to where she is now, and I wrote an entire AU for her that I love dearly and am still working on. And now in less than 30 days everything I counted on is going to be shot in the back and buried. To say that I'm emotionally attached to the progress I made and extremely distressed because the reality that I will never get to experience that AU to its fullest is very much imminent, is a horrible understatement.

I'm in full blown panic mode, and I honestly don't give a **** if it 'doesn't matter lol'. My stories are all I got, they are what keeps me afloat, and gave me something to look forward to and something that I genuinely enjoyed working on. I can't bear the idea of having this taken away and have two entire years of work just thrown away. I can't.

---
Well, you didn't make me feel like a fool when I finally managed to get through to your phone. You seemed to be pretty understanding of me being upset despite it not seeming like too big a deal. I appreciate that you offered to help out even though I hadn't asked yet, though I don't want you putting yourself in a hole just to do this minuscule thing. You have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you.

My pessimistic tendencies are trying to bring me down, but I'll try to keep my chin up.
The little things always have the biggest impact, after all.

I still miss you and for whatever I did to you I'm sorry

Quite the self esteem boost gym was today... [sarcasm, if somebody reads this and can't tell]

I mean, I'm used to getting picked last, I mean, I'm no good at gym things, and it makes sense to do as such. I'm also used to being out for a large time frame when in a game where your teammates are capable of bringing you back in. Still though, when literally everyone else is in, I'm still used to not getting brought back in. I'm used to it all. But this time it got to me and I did feel so worthless and unwanted. I mean, I'm used to that too - across school/friends as well as parents. Bleh.

My parents seem to give me like the least rights ever. I mean, not only has the advice they've given me in the past effectively ruined my life every time I asked (hence why I never ask them for advice anymore), but like everyone else talks about going places with their friends, driving themselves around, and going to parties. Me? I'm over here, almost always at home with my parents. I frequently feel that everything wrong in my life is due to them. I don't get to do anything I want to, and they always use the excuse of protecting me. Well, I have a few things to say to that excuse.
One, what exactly do you think you're protecting me from? Having a life? Cause that's what it seems like. Two, honestly, if something does happen, that would then make it my fault. Do you not think I need responsibilities? Well, i do need some. Three, given the facts that I'm trans and have an internet relationship, do you really think that the methods you were protecting me with were successful? Not saying that you were trying to protect me from said things not that they are bad things that I should have been protected from (as those two facts are the best things that ever happened to my life), but I am sure that you would feel that you failed at protecting me if I told you either fact. Four, to you, what do I seem like? I don't feel like a person, that's for sure. whenever I try to help you with something, you never appreciate it whatsoever. Whenever I don't help you with something, you get extremely upset. Honestly though, if you're going to be upset either way, should I not take the easy road? But then I feel useless. Oh wait, I feel useless I feel I help too, cause all you ever want is menial things and then you get upset that I don't help more.
Well, maybe you should give me some rights and be appreciative of me for once.

So really, thank you. These last two self esteem drops have been the lowest dips yet, but you've brought me out of them quite quickly in comparison to the old ones. It may not seem like much, especially taking into account what you yourself have said, but I truly appreciate you putting up with these moments of mine. I'm sorry for how dumb I can be and some of the stupid things I say. I'd like to say that I blame it on my parents for being so restrictive and that I therefore never got any experience with people and socialization, but in the end I really can't blame my fallacies on anyone but myself.

I can't bear to tell you that the reason I'm pissed is because you broke a promise

I have so many mixed feelings right now and then THIS happens and I'm happy and worried at the same time. I'm glad you don't seem to have completely forgotten me. And I miss you. I know I do. So why am I so hesitant?

Well, there's that question of what the hell happened. Why did you disappear? Why haven't I heard from you in years? Did you stop caring? What took you so long to reach out to me? Did you remember our friend's birthday and go "Oh, come to think of it, I wonder how that other girl is doing?" I don't know. And the thought that I just came up as an afterthought and that I don't really mean anything to you after all this time scares me. I don't want you to see me as he and she do.

But I won't find an answer to all this if I don't move, will I? So...what do I have to lose? Whatever happens, it'll either change what I think I know or confirm what I already know, so fine.

I'm still in panic mode. I really shouldn't be reading what other people are saying about this progress cutoff thing going on because it just makes me worry infinitely.

My reaction to seeing that I would be forced to lay out that kind of money to make the jump to save all that was bad enough, but the way people are talking is that the odds of your progress getting wiped anyway when you get there is like a 90% chance. I'm hoping and praying that they don't do that, I don't even want to think of how I'd react if they do.

Of course, this is still going on the slim as hell hope that I'll get it in time. But I have the terrible sinking feeling that I won't get it.

Maybe it's not what I thought it was. But at the same time what happened still doesn't make complete sense... I know I still need to hang around because I feel like anything is possible at this point. Sadly it's made me feel like there's a barrier between us which I hope is only temporary. I'm sorry for doubting you but I really can't help it with this terrible anxiety.

All of this is just tiring. I hate how every day I go through the process of seeing that this is reality. I keep running from it but it's always going to catch up and it's just going to keep bringing me down. I just hate all of this and I keep having to force myself to accept that this is all real and that it really happened. My family is the only thing I have to live for now as I need them like they say they need me. But at the same time I really feel like they're just sick of me. I just let myself live this fantasy where I try to shut out the problems that I can't face as much as possible. I know I'm a coward and that I need to face up to it but it's hard to even make those first few steps of improving myself.

It's been nearly three months since this stupid sleeping habit came back. My latest time a few months ago was only 3am max but now I'm doing way too many all-nighters without even meaning to. Other times it can be 10am when I finally give in but sometimes I just have to drag myself through an entire night and day without getting anything at all. This is like a habit that just happens without me noticing unlike all of the others. Everyone keeps blaming me for making that decision but do you really think I want to beat myself up like this? It's gotten to the point that the longer I sleep the worse I feel as I seem to have gotten used to only get a maximum of 3-4 hours and I really don't like it this way. I really should be taking meds but I worry a lot about that and I'm always anxious about any other meds I take so I just can't convince myself to just try it. I guess it really is my fault but I just wish there was some way for me to naturally get to sleep quicker.

Is it really about to turn 5:00 already? It's going to be another rough day...

they hate me. i can never go back.