darkSpyro

I don't get love. I'm happy that we're dating and all, and I truly care about you, but it just feels weird. I want to be with you forever, but being so many miles away from you just makes things worse. I understand what caring about someone feels like, but just not romantically... I feel like all the words I say to you are fake. They're all true, but I just can't get rid of that feeling. I really just don't want to lose you. You've done so much to make my life a much better place, and I really don't want to lose you. After reading some of your posts on here, I realize that you have so many problems in your life, that you never even told me. I feel like a worthless brat, not even realizing what you've been going through lately. Now that we're dating, our relationship feels... different. I feel like our messages aren't as casual and relaxed as they used to be. I also feel like we're trying to make everything romantic. I just don't like this feeling. I don't want to break up with you, but still... I just don't understand what love truly feels like yet, especially when it's online dating. Maybe it's because you feel more like a sister to me, or maybe it's because it felt too sudden, but I really just don't know how to handle this. I'm also worried that being in a relationship with each other could ruin everything. I don't want all of the memories we've had together to be thrown out the window in case we break up. Sigh. We're probably just too young. Ugh. It really does feel nice releasing my feelings. I just hope that she doesn't see this post...

I'm sick of trying to get through this. I just force myself to do everything, never do I actually want to. I just feel so lost and stuck, I'm finding it hard to cope. Nothing is the same as before, it won't ever be. My dad should be here with us, he needs to be. What's the point in carrying on when it's going to be like this for the rest of my life? I ask myself this everyday, no matter how hard I try. Every morning and night depresses me, life feels so empty and uneventful. I don't have much to live for.

God I feel horrible. I go to a party that I told you last minute about after you were so excited to spend Halloween with me. I try to come back as early as I can, but even then I help contribute to make the day you've been waiting for even worse. I feel horrible. I shouldn't have gone to that party to at least make the day redeemable. I shouldn't have been so short with you in the call, either. I felt like it just made it worse.

If you're reading this I'm so so sorry. I hope you feel better and at least get your spooky night back.

im ****ing sick and tired of you saying im "skating through today with minimal effort" when i busted my ass over the weekend to get as much as i could done so i could enjoy the one holiday i actually enjoy
youre so overly worried that i wont get the biology extra credit done that you force me to hang up my call and tell me i cant even hand out ****ing candy for the rest of the night when i literally have one sentence left to write and submit the stupid thing
then you tell me i should have finished my math homework and that youre disappointed in me for not completing it, but isnt it better to go ask for help when i dont understand ONE problem out of TEN???

god forbid i take 30 seconds of working on something, i clearly need to constantly be consumed by work like you are

god i cant wait to leave, im sick of how this family treats me, and tbh its sad that youre the only one who i actually give a damn about and you treat me like this on the one night this whole semester that i actually want to enjoy myself

Oh no no no, I am so ****ing stupid! She probably thinks I'm a monster now. It was an accident, and I'm not sure if she knows. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why do I always have to mess up? I can't forgive myself for this, and I don't know if she does. I love her so much, I would NEVER want to hurt her. She's always been there for me, and then I **** up and do this? Please don't hate me! I hope I didn't hurt her too badly. I just hate how ****ing clumsy I am, this only makes everything worse. It's my fault, and now I'll always remember that... Even if she forgets it happened or forgives me. I'm sorry... **** **** ****

I feel a bit better after talking to her. I'm also proud that I was able to say all those things to her friend just now. I just don't want her friend to hurt her. I know way too much about "friends" hurting those who trusted and cared about them...

im glad i could talk that problem out and make it be better

butanyways my brain is scrambled idfc if this makes sense lol

I tried to be friends with your friend, and it almost worked. But now she hates me, blocked me, and pretty much wants me to die. Oh well. It's not like a want to be friends with a bratty girl. I just hope that she won't hurt you...

alright, time to find away around this
if not, i guess ill end up fighting the power or something smh, this whole sitch is stupid, but that doesnt mean i wont bust my (awesome) ass to find some loophole

Im so disappointed in myself... but at the same time I feel better. Having my blood spilled like this is what I deserve.

test #3: astounding progress made, definitely a success

Guess what? The girl that mimicked everything I did for 3 years is back at it again. I'm actually sick of her trying to make me think she actually does the same things I do. I'm so glad I'm not in school anymore, but I hate how she can still get to me elsewhere. She's now doing it with something that means a lot to me, and that bothers me so much. Stop being so fake.

it seems like everyones ignoring me today and its really setting me off

i really shouldnt have to speak up as much as i am today, it feels like no ones listening to me...

- - -

thanks for insulting the one thing i feel like im good at, now i feel like im completely useless, thanks : ^ )

I hate that I feel so much better after giving in and self harming again. I wish I was stronger than that, but I'm just weak and useless.

It's been a few days since you've talked to me. Where are you? Are you okay? I feel so lonely... Please tell me you're fine! I hope she didn't hurt you! I miss you so much! Life just feels so weird without you... Why have you been avoiding me for this long?

Why do I do this every night? It's always past 2:00 AM, always. The reason I don't get sleep is because I don't see the point. I just don't see the point in sleeping, waking up, and just living in general. I'm going to have to admit it. It's turning out like last year. Oh, how I hated last year... I was so ill last year, I was sick of everything. I needed my dad, and I was still shocked at how my summer ended so horribly. It was the worst part of my mourning. I was a lot more sick of life as I am now, but it's starting to come back. Not sleeping until 6:00 AM, extreme anxiety and frequent panic attacks... It's all coming back, and I can't stop it. I'm still in counselling, but I don't know what I want to do anymore. Before my dad died, I didn't need a reason to live my life. I just thought that the future was yet to come. Now that my life has been completely shattered, I keep rooting around for a reason to hold on. Why should I have the suffer this way for the rest of my life? There's no hope left for me. I just want my old life back, more than anything. I was always a fool that glorified the past instead of the present, but now I want it more than ever. I wish I didn't have to live this way. My dad doesn't want to see any of us like this, but I just can't fight this anxiety and depression much longer. I guess I'm giving in again.

I've remembered that I really don't matter, and realized I should have done more than cut up my leg, I should have cut a place that would have done more damage. It would be easier on everyone if I just died

That's it. History is repeating itself and I'm fearing what might happen to me this time. Great.

It's getting late and I've only been awake for a couple of hours. God, why do I do this? Why can't I ever find a way to stop this **** from happening? It's always later than 2:00 AM when I finally get the motivation to get into bed. Then I stare at the same stupid wall for about 6 hours and before I know it the birds start singing and the sunlight comes through the window. I just don't care about myself at all, so I don't bother even trying anymore. Each day that passes by is meaningless anyway. I don't accomplish anything, I'm completely useless. I lost my love for life a long time ago. My life has only given me more reasons to feel this way. I'm sick of all this, all I ever wanted to do was live like everyone else. What's the point in even existing when I don't even feel like I'm living?