I had another cancer scare. I've been back to normal for a few months, but two weeks ago my old symptoms hit me like a brick wall. I'm doing my best to keep this from the people I love and care about so they don't start worrying about me again, but this is so hard to deal with on my own. I just need answers, and no one can seem to give them to me.
I wish I was smart. I mean, I get good grades and I make good choices, but I'm not smart. I always feel so stupid and I hate it. Things that are common knowledge for other people I don't know. Things that come naturally to others are difficult for me. I can't comprehend the simplest of instructions when given to me. It takes me forever to understand things. I just once wanna feel smart. I'm sick of feeling like the stupidest person in the room at all times. Everyone else is so much smarter than me that I just can't bring myself to speak because I'm scared I'll say something dumb. Half the time I post here if I get a response it's usually just to tell me why what I said was wrong. I barely post anymore, so I didn't really care about that, but It's making me miserable in reality. I can't go a single day without doing or saying something that makes me feel like an idiot. I'm completely useless to my Robotics team. I joined because my friends recruited me, and the whole team is filled with my closest friends, but I feel like I'm just gonna let them down because I'm not smart enough. Every time I go to a meeting a feel like the dumbest person in the room. Sometimes some of my non-Robotics friends call me an idiot, and even though I know they're joking, it makes me really sad every time. That's really the only thing you have to say to get to me. No amount of insults or racial slurs will do anything, but if you call me an idiot, I'll turn into a miserable mess because I know it's true. If I had one wish, I'd just wanna no longer be the dumbest one in the room.
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go to my guestbook now and sign a petition to get Freddie benson into smash
Why do I do this? No matter how many times I tell myself I'm worrying about something stupid, I still can't help myself. I can't rest, my mind is all over the place. I can't stop panicking.
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Whenever you reach too high, life smacks you down!
I want to delete your name out of my memory, and never think about you again. At the same time, I wish we could still be friends.
I don't know how to feel about you, my dear friend. All I've changed, and so have you. We can't be friends because of these changes. It makes me sad, but that is just how life works. I guess. :\
I'm sorry for not knowing you were there. I was looking for the doggy gate, so you know my dog wouldn't crap in the house. But it appears that it literally disappeared... Well we may be screwed.
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If you cannot handle me at my pumpkin spiciest, you do not deserve me at my pumpkin sweetest
icon from Empoh
I literally do not feel remotely close with anybody around me. I cannot talk to people, nobody will listen. Now, don't get me wrong you do but it's just not how it seems. I know finding actual friends that care about you is a toil and struggle itself, but I just want somebody I can physically talk to like a friend. I can't wait till I have my freedom, my divinity to do what I want. So I can escape this aversion. Today I had a panic attack, I couldn't see clearly, I was having flashbacks to things that didn't exist, I was in a different place, I couldn't breathe properly. There's particular people in my life that I know I won't have to see when I'm older but that's in like forever... Just when I was feeling better and focusing on work, I get this.
All my "important" friends are either caught in oblivion, non understanding or just plain narsassistic. Friend A and B don't hang out with me anymore, they're too dumb to know who their real friends are. They take others sides even if they've known me for longer. Friend C has a disability which makes them find it hard to understand me. To get this straight, I know it isn't their fault and they cannot help it but I feel like there's no point in confiding in them as they can't help me. They're one of those friends that brushes it off like: "Oh you'll feel better tomorrow". Sadly, I listen to their problems and empathize with them whenever they're upset. Friend D I don't get in contact with much anymore and if I was to they're too busy with their clique.
And then there's people here that I've drifted away from.
You make me feel happy, and I really don't deserve that, nor do I want that in my life right now. I like you. I more than like you, and based on your recent conversations with me, I think you feel the same. There's a lot of reasons it wouldn't work out. I don't even know if you'd want to continue pursuing me if you knew about my genderfluidity, just because I don't know your views on it. I'm a little scared about that, truth be told.
Plus, I don't like how much you've interrupted my life. Ever since you told me that, I've thought about you. I've toyed with the idea in my head, I've enjoyed what could be, but it's distracting me and I don't like that. The past few nights I've had trouble sleeping because I've been thinking stupid romantic thoughts, but I need sleep so I can get stuff done. You're invading my life and that's the last thing I need right now, especially with all that's happening this next month. I need to focus on studying and training, not how much I want to kiss your dumb, cute face. I know maybe it'd be beneficial to me, and having someone in my life in this stressful time would help me emotionally, but without romantic attachment I'm more focused and more driven. I need that right now.
Maybe once this semester is over, I'll have time to start something, and hopefully it'll end up well, but for now, I'm happy with how I'm doing. What I need now is to focus on myself and get better. I love you, but I'm not going to say it to your face. Not yet, anyway...
But if you made your move first, I can't say I'd be that opposed.
feelings are dumb and confusing and i dont need them right now
You make me feel happy, and I really don't deserve that, nor do I want that in my life right now. I like you. I more than like you, and based on your recent conversations with me, I think you feel the same. There's a lot of reasons it wouldn't work out. I don't even know if you'd want to continue pursuing me if you knew about my genderfluidity, just because I don't know your views on it. I'm a little scared about that, truth be told.
Plus, I don't like how much you've interrupted my life. Ever since you told me that, I've thought about you. I've toyed with the idea in my head, I've enjoyed what could be, but it's distracting me and I don't like that. The past few nights I've had trouble sleeping because I've been thinking stupid romantic thoughts, but I need sleep so I can get stuff done. You're invading my life and that's the last thing I need right now, especially with all that's happening this next month. I need to focus on studying and training, not how much I want to kiss your dumb, cute face. I know maybe it'd be beneficial to me, and having someone in my life in this stressful time would help me emotionally, but without romantic attachment I'm more focused and more driven. I need that right now.
Maybe once this semester is over, I'll have time to start something, and hopefully it'll end up well, but for now, I'm happy with how I'm doing. What I need now is to focus on myself and get better. I love you, but I'm not going to say it to your face. Not yet, anyway...
But if you made your move first, I can't say I'd be that opposed.
feelings are dumb and confusing and i dont need them right now
The edge is too real!!!
how about you don't post ****ty memes on my PERSONAL thoughts just to grab some cheap attention???
it's really rude and insensitive
After playing Sims, I'm feeling a little better, Thanks. (:
"Lets not tell BriAnna that we're looking at the menu, because she might not like anything. Oh! There is something she eats, but lets not tell her. Let's also get mad at her when she *****es about not feeling like she was included and has to eat ramen for the 50 billionth time. (,:
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looks like ive got some things to do...
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 02:34:09 22/03/2016 by parisruelz12
Why do I trust my heart with people over and over again? They always end up hurting me so much and they never keep loving me. It always goes away. I must really be horrible and broken for this to keep happening. What do I keep doing wrong?
Who would have thought that the words "I don't know if I still love you" would hurt so much? Don't mind me I'm just going to turn into a puddle of tears in the corner
--- I just realised that I might not know what the hell is going on
LITERALLY WHAT IS THE ****ING POINT ANYMORE
I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME WORKING ON THIS AND IM DOING WORSE
IM ****ING DONE
HOW THE **** AM I GONNA USE THIS AS A HISTORY TEACHER
ITS STUPID TO DEVOTE ALL OF MY EFFORTS TO THIS **** I WONT EVER ****ING USE, JUST TO DO EVEN WORSE
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