darkSpyro

I'm so resentful towards it. Why? Is it my fear of being replaced that ended up becoming true? I know that, in this state of mind, I hope I won't ever be invited again. I have nothing against any of you either, I barely know any of you. But this feeling...

Llama Llama Duck

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

It's most likely no big deal for you, but it means a lot to me.

Two more days until we go over the mountains and I'm as nervous as hell.

(...I think I just got an original story idea..)

So tired.
Quote: Calania

Llama Llama Duck

Llama song.
I love it.
It's about llamas.

This forum* is hilarious. All this stupidity over something that may not even happen.

*entirely different forum, not darkSpyro

I don't care anymore.

Everyone expects me to do things for them. Set them up in life. And what do I get in return? Nothing. Nothing but grief and rejection, and false stains to my name. And so long as I'm stuck in this inconvenient cycle of schooling, nothing can change. And considering how awfully designed the Leaving Cert is, will I even get out?

And the worst part is that I don't ask for things from any of you. I ask for little, tiny things at most. But no, all ye do is stress me out, and demand I keep by your sides, but with the way everyone of you treat me, I have no reason to want to side with any of you anymore. I actually cared about each and every one of you. I wanted you all to be happy, and I made many different kinds of investments to make sure that you all did become happy. And for the most part, you all are. But then you throw me into the dirt straight after. Like I never did a thing for you all, it's as if you were all born to be spoiled brats.

Well maybe it's for the best, as I can feel my time drawing closer and closer to it's end. At least I won't be remembered or mourned. Never did want that...but I did want to live a little first, before I departed. But no - I just don't belong here.

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For that special little angel in my life...

I...I....I.....don't know what to say to you, I can't stop thinking about you though.

I can't help but feel like a waste of space.

I always think of it as "you'll realize what you did yourself", and it's never the case. I've done this with too many people.

How easily do you think I get angry at you? And what do you think I'll do? Pretty sure you could break my neck if you wanted, I don't see what you're so scared of. I'm weak, and I'd never resort to physical violence against anyone unless they started it, especially YOU, in the middle of school.
What you did didn't piss me off at all, it was hilarious, even better that it was an accident. In fact, it's actually a shame it landed an inch away from me. So close..

I swear, none of you understand a thing. None of you are helping.

stop talking badly of our father it's making me mad

What I would give for you to understand...

I'm just finding some lovely ways to be angry today.

I'm progressing in circles.

You...there is no doubt that you are one of the last people I want to see sad or hurt.
However, You are the person, the source, of this, and sometimes I just want to hurt you and become apathetic towards any of your suffering. This is not Your fault, it is mine.

I have always just wanted people to be happy. I want you to be happy, but I feel as if I only complicate you. I wouldn't mind you being with someone else if you were able to be happy with them, as long as I didn't lose you. I grew so fearful of losing you, of you drifting away, that I didn't quite think much about it and in my selfishness, I caved and agreed to a relationship. Cue some of the most miserable months I'm still recovering from. It was my fault, I was an empty vessel and allowed myself to be treated badly. You were happy. I wasn't. I was struggling with school, a friend who I valued but lost due to misunderstanding and impulsiveness, attending school and with my ever mighty tendency to deny things.

And now I struggle with desolation. This anger. I keep burying things, at least when I speak to you, I often bury my words and talk to you as if this spite, this resentful symphony isn't there. I so very don't want to hurt you that I often put a cap on my usual honesty and this only allows it to gather like mold. However, the most prominent is my sadness, that this just adds to it. I know you sometimes don't realize things, that you're impulsive sometimes, careless and greatly influenced by your peers. I know you don't want me to be sad, that you don't always deal very well with anger from those close to you and that you believe you deserve horrible things. I can hear it in your voice.

And you do make me happy and make me smile. We always had such a chemistry from when we started speaking to each other. We became so close in less than a year. However, sometimes I can't bring myself to believe this could be real, and often do I doubt myself being real. Sadness seems to have become me, that realizing my denial of my depression did worse as it has grown over me like a weed. And yet this weed was always really there, I was sad for a while but I denied it. I have never thought my sadness is 'justified' by my experiences and I have found myself imagining horrible things happening to me, and I fear me one day confusing these things with reality. Maybe I already have confused some. Maybe I have trapped myself within my own mind a long time ago and lodged the key in my skull. I've only recently became more directly suicidal.

And I feel as if all this sadness goes away, I would be a shell, empty, that it is a part of me and has been. I would lose a part of who I am and may change for the worst. I do bad, impulsive things out of happiness, I believe some aspects of my thinking will vanish and that sadness is one of my vital organs. However, I do sometimes wish not to think at all, that I only find reasons to feel uncomfortable living in this world with thinking and I would be better off simplistic so that the ones around me won't have to deal with my negativity and so forth. Then again, isn't that just wishful?

I wish I could erase myself. Not kill, that would only confirm my suspicions of me actually being insanely selfish.

And I dislike how you want to change, that you want to conform to my sensitivities and 'improve' yourself. The only way (most the time) change can be bad is when it is unnatural. Who says I'm not completely wrong, that I am foolish and that I somehow have subconscious ill-intentions?

The last time I had power over people and could drastically change who they were, I wasn't wise with it. I thought I was higher than them and that people couldn't handle themselves, that if I could control them I could help them avoid mistakes and be happy, avoid getting hurt as much as possible. Instead, I probably ruined someone. I also abused such power in other ways. I don't believe I will make up for many of the things I've done and deserve being outcast. It is the past, but I know this still lingers in the current, I've seen results. I didn't do anything illegal, which doesn't make things better although.

I want to speak to others, but I'm scared and think they shouldn't. I hope this deters someone.

You're not cool.

Quote: Jaggedstar

You're not cool.

Yes I am.

i'm so lost without you

I really hate decorating the house for Christmas

Can I be your friend?????

I'm still waiting for an explanation as to how I try hard to go against popular opinion.

I think I'm going to just slowly phase out of your life or something like that. At least for a while. Though I can't imagine I could do it that quickly.

I know you know I like you. But I feel someone else likes you to. I hope you realize he dumps all his girlfriends in like 3 months.

Dammit. Load faster.

**** you L4D.

**** you hard.

Is that all I ever was to you? An accident!? Just that one guy you thought you'd have a relationship with for a few months as a MOTHER****ING JOKE!? That's it. I'm through trusting. I'm through being nice. I'm through with being everyone's ****ing scapegoat. I'm sick of you, I'm sick of everyone. I'm alone. I'm always alone, no matter how many people are "there for me". But alone I guess is how I have to be for the rest of my life.

**** you stupid *****

I'm scared about my future.

Quote: TheAceOfBreath

Is that all I ever was to you? An accident!? Just that one guy you thought you'd have a relationship with for a few months as a MOTHER****ING JOKE!? That's it. I'm through trusting. I'm through being nice. I'm through with being everyone's ****ing scapegoat. I'm sick of you, I'm sick of everyone. I'm alone. I'm always alone, no matter how many people are "there for me". But alone I guess is how I have to be for the rest of my life.

To the PM Inbox.

I really, really want to know more about what you were talking to me about earlier. Both out of curiosity and concern. It almost sounded like you've even known that my heart would go in the direction it went for a long time now. It would be impossible for someone to forsee that under normal circumstances. And there is no way you could have known the middle name under normal circumstances either.
And seeing as you say that the full name had been with you for a long time, I really want to know why it would be. Surely something significant is at work...which makes me very wary of my actions. I don't want something tragic to happen.
Most people would not believe you at all with what you told me. As you said yourself, they'd see you as a nutcase. And although I'm a bit confused, I definitely cannot completely dismiss this as false information. Because I have had the same experience many times, since I was just a small boy. And seeing as it's similar to what you claim to get, the only logical conclusion is that I inherited this from you. I will definitely conduct my own research on this, and see if I can find reports of any other cases of this, well...phenomenon. That's the only way I can describe it...I'm even beginning to wonder...could this be a form of...evolution?

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You really don't have to worry about me at all for now. You're probably feeling fine as soon as you leave our chat log, but if you aren't, please rest easy, my dearest. I have something to keep me occupied, something I need to do before I make any big decisions.

i dislike being awake so early

I waste my life too often.

Oh for ****'s sake WHHHHY?

why is my little pony friendship is magic so popular on here...... im tired of my little pony charcters for profile pics..... its everywhere!

You are ignorant. You did not see the dog. You only care what you think. You are making a bad example for us.

I feel horrible for thoughts I had last night. I feel worse for appearing cold last night (it wasn't my intention). And I feel worse still for the mistake I made today. I'm terribly sorry. Please don't be angry with me.

Things really do seem to always end up getting better. Last week I was so, so miserable, but already this week things are going great and I feel like it can only get better.
On friday you listened to me and you cheered me up a ton. Honestly, I wasn't even upset after that. Thank you. And on saturday hanging out with you guys I actually felt like I belonged there and it was just like old times. Ever since then, things have been going wonderfully and I feel like I'm getting closer to my old friends and new people at the same time.

i feel noobish cuz mostly every1 has a lot of gems and yellow sparx etc

I thought we made it clear that I'm not going out with you. You're a 30-year-old man who works at a windows factory. I'm just a teenage girl who doesn't even have a job yet. Stop sending me messages. I already defriended you and blocked your original account. Stop harassing me like a creepy pedo. I might just get the police involved if you keep this up.

/\ is this for me

mmmk dont really understand but ill assume its not for me

Don't be bothered if you notice, but things seem too good for you to realise anyway.

Besides, we both know that you don't need me and that I only make things worse. And I suppose I have to make what is, to me, the ultimate sacrifice. Because I'm worried about what might happen. I have this terrible feeling...

At least this means that when I eventually snap for good (again, we both know I will), you can't be upset if I do this. That's a nice bonus. Maybe I can even find away for you to be happy with my death.