darkSpyro

i dont think ive been this sick in YEARS and honestly its hell
i feel like im gonna die ugh

you're an asshole, if you think you aren't then you're sadly sadly mistaken. You think you aren't but that's because you hang out with a bunch of other assholes. You're rude, ugly, unfunny, uninteresting and just an ass. Go to hell.

My (ex?)best friend confuses the heck outta me. Hates me for two months because I liked someone she hates, miraculously got paired up two days ago, and now she's treating me like a friend again. I seriously don't know how to feel. Because of her absence, I made a ton of new friends, and am more social, but she wants me back at her table. That'll just put me in solitude again. I don't want that. I don't like that. I don't know what to do. I love being with my friends, heck, I'm in a friend circle, and I honestly love it. But I miss talking to her, but like I said, I'll be in solitude. Besides... she knows me like the palm of my hand anyways. It's probably best I stick with my friend circle...Right?

Right???

Right???

Right???

Two years it's been since I made the choice between trying to combat my mental and emotional pain and heal, or taking the extreme way out.

So far, the way I've been treated by everyone since makes me regret not taking option two. If I had known then that I would just be subjected to more abuse and treated as something less than a human, I would have done it.

There is no winning. I exist just to be stepped on, screamed at and ordered around like a dog. I bother no one, in fact I actively go out of my way to avoid bothering others, but as I just get shouted at even more for doing so. Clearly my existence alone bothers people.

I've asked more times than I can count for help getting into therapy back home, but no one lifts a finger. Tried to tell them what I was told by an actual counselor, why I can't just magically be this perfect kid, and am told it's either excuses or they don't listen. And if I try to tell others why I am the way that I am, and how I really feel, I'm made to shut up because "there's no way your father is like that," and "they'll lock you up and you'll never come home."

I'm so tired of the constant suffering and grief I get just for making the simple request of leave me alone, please. I can't even remember the last time I was genuinely happy anymore. What did I ever do to anyone to get treated like this?

I want out of this. I want out.

**** that ****ing stupid wall, I can't even sit down to rest without nearly cracking my head open now. But I'm even stupider for making out it was just a little accident. I don't deserve people caring about me, but at the same time I really should be doing something to relieve this. I don't even know what I'm doing right now. I'm so confused lmao. This is bad.

I hate being poor so much. In fact, I know why we're poor, but I'd never be able to say why. God, I just need to find some way around this before we end up with just 10p or whatever. :c

Happy Birthday dad. I wish I could see you again, even if it was just for a hug. We miss you. This hurts so much.

i shouldn't be happy rn

There's no such thing as a recovered anorexic, but I'm trying my best. Some days are just really, really hard.

that impending feeling of worthlessness and self loathing u get bc u didnt ship out a package on time
im the worst friend ever, that point is incredibly clear, why do i even bother with people anymore??? im just gonna let everyone who counts on me down

I knew I couldnt keep it up, and now ive crashed majorly. Im only jsut stable, i cant stnad not having sound right now. I need all possible distractions right now. Im sorry anyone and everyone who has to deal with me like this

Ahaha I feel like I'm just being stupid and that's why nobody wants to know me. Same old same old I guess. I don't know why I care.

After talking to my Mom about the situation, I think, no, we think it's best if we just act friendly to each other. And for once, my father agrees. (Thank you for getting me into Figurine Collecting, btw <3) So sorry if you were hoping for more, bud. Besides, you know me like the palm of my hand. I think we're good. ^-^; And, you know...? It's great not to have a burden in your life that keeps you in solitude. IT'S GREAT TO HAVE FRIENDS THAT CARE ABOUT YOU! You know what? I choose Alisa over you, sorrynotsorry Oh, you say that you cared for me? But who else? NO ONE. Notice the plural. friends. Not people who keep me to themselves! I actually have four caring friends who don't cling to me wherever the heck I go! It. Feels. Great! I love friends. Besides, you mostly hurt me. I'm more happy now. Like, I don't feel like crying for no reason now. And now I can play FIRST all I want. HA! (Gosh this makes no sense ._.)

Why does two thirds of this household have to be such giant assholes? ****ing excuse me I didn't come to dinner yesterday because I did't hear you, if I was supposed to come down there you could have actually came up to me instead of just being a tremendous ass about it today. Why do you have to be such a passive aggressive ***** because I didn't go play mini golf because I hate it? You could have gone with them, you didn't need me if you wanted to go. And then just keep acting like my brother speaks for me to. I'm not my own person, no, whatever he says is obviously what I'm thinking to, therefore that means you should just ***** at me how I should go hungry or cook for myself if I don't like the food. Well I'd love to cook something for myself, but we have to have all organic "healthy" bull**** that tastes like ****.

And you don't need to just sit on your tablet all day, and then ***** when it's time to do literally anything else. Your life revolves around that stupid thing, and god forbid you have to be away from it for more than 5 minutes. Then go on *****ing about how the food is the worst thing ever, because it's a great idea to enrage him so he goes from ***** mode in to super ***** mode. And then that means that I was of corse just being as much of an asshole as you, so now he needs to get mad at me, because you clearly speak for me. And then just because you put him in a bad mood means now everyone's going to have a bad day tomorrow, because he just holds petty grudges over the stupidest things, like not coming down for dinner one time. Just because you're a dick means you've ruined everyone else mood for at least the next day.

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Don't try and tell me it's my fault he's such a dick and I should be nice to him. How's it my fault? Well **** you, everything is your fault, that's why. I don't need to be nice to him. He just loves to mock me and ruin my life. I have no confidence because no matter what I say he'll mock me for it. I can't show any interest in most things because he'll say how stupid I am for liking it. I can't even just try to avoid him because the second he sees me he just insults me. I stay in my room with the door closed 99% of the time so I won't even see him, and so that I can watch videos without one of you nosey *****es going "oh what's that" and then him mocking me for it. But since we're related, it's all excused, and I have to love him and everyone else in this family.

It's the same every night. ****ing 3-6 AM every single night. I wake up and feel so dumbfounded, yet I'm wide awake again when it comes to night. Thank God I don't go to school anymore, because if I did I just wouldn't be able to take it. I'm sick of these horrible life choices, and I need to turn it around until I end up ruining everything. I keep running away from my problems and then just giving in because I'm an idiot, and that's all I'll ever be. There's got to be SOMETHING that I can do at this point. But I just don't have the energy to keep trying anymore. And I'm still stuck with this stupid contradicting thoughts, and I have no idea where I stand at this point.