"Shadow! Get your ass over here now! We got a new target and we need you to take care of him!" shouted a loud voice from the other end of Shadow's pink flip phone. "Yes boss!" he replied as he flipped his phone shut and put it back in his pocket. As he walked back out of the alley he realised he had no means of transportation. Luckily, he found a couple making out in a car parked by the street so he killed them and hijacked the car. He tossed the bodies in the back before taking off at twice the speed limit. He killed sixty-nine civilians before he arrived at Edgelord HQ.
A few guards stopped him, asking for his ID so he could enter the building. "I don't have time for this ****," he said edgily before peppering their asses with lead. He entered the building and went straight to the briefing room, only stopping to kill a few more guards along the way. "Looks like you finally got your ass in gear, *****" yelled Luka before throwing a chair across the room. The General was always pissed off when Shadow killed her guards but it's not like there was anything she could do, Shadow was a mother****ing hedgehog and she was just a computer program. Shadow was the only one there who ever did anything anyway, the rest were only there to reward him whenever he killed a target. There were three in total: Neo, Reisen and Camilla. There used to be a fourth but she died after Shadow impregnated her too hard and the fetus erupted into a four-hundred feet monster that rampaged and destroyed the city. Shadow must now wear a condom at all times to prevent further incidents.
"We have a mother****er we need you dispatch," said Luka somewhat more calmly than before. "What is it *****?" asked Shadow. "This mother****er, he's too powerful. Russia nuked this ***** ten times and he's still alive. We need you to kill him," responded Luka. "Sounds simple enough, where do I fight this *****?" "He's in the middle of some *****ass swamp, find him and kill him or we'll execute you." "You can't execute me ***** I'm Shadow the mother****ing Hedgehog." The entire room went silent as they realised that this was, in fact, true, and Shadow could do anything he wanted because he was too damn OP. Finally, Shadow broke the silence: "Well see ya later *****," he said calmly before shooting Camilla five times and leaving. He then hijacked another car before breaking the speed limit again.
Meanwhile, Shrek had finished downloading 34GB of scat-themed yaoi and was currently thinking about how depressed he was whilst wearing his favourite red bunnygirl costume. His intensely homophobic parents had kicked him out and now he was stuck in the middle of a swamp with only his immense anime collection and burning desire for sweet death. Before he could break down into to tears he heard a knock at his door and went to open it, only to find a midget dressed in a hedgehog costume. Then he realised that it was not a midget in a hedgehog costume but an actual anthro hedgehog who was standing at his front door. Shrek was pissed that someone had interrupted his daily yaoi session. "WHAT ARE YA DOIN, IN MAH SWAMP??" he yelled in a heavy Scottish accent. "I will make you die *****," said Shadow before unloading a ****load of lead into Shrek. However, Shrek had disappeared. "Nothing personnel kid" uttered Shrek as he teleported behind Shadow and unsheathed his superior Japanese katana and was about to kill Shadow when he realised this was the same hedgehog that had taken up half of his scat-themed yaoi.
He hesitated, but Shadow was no longer there. "Ah, but it is I who am behind you, *****!" shouted Shadow as he also teleported behind Shrek and shot him. Shrek dodged with his magic anime powers. "What the ****, that's ****ing impossible!" screamed Shadow as he realised he was running low on bullets. He said some very bad words which I can't share on this gay dragon website and ran away like a little ***** coward. Shrek stared in wonder at what the **** he had witnessed and went back inside to change his bunnysuit. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Shadow shot some more people.
Was this the start of a horribly bad fanfic plot or something more? Find out next episode!
![[User Posted Image]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/534205274018414593/541785876011810840/regret.jpg)
I regret everything but by the time I realised this was a bad idea I was already several paragraphs in. I apologise sincerely for ruining your day.