darkSpyro

It was a late Saturday night when Shadow left the strip club. "Boy am I glad to be a straight cisgendered black hedgehog," he thought to himself loudly as he walked down the street. Soon after he thought these words he suddenly heard his phone ring. He reached into his pocket, brought out his pink flip phone and opened it. It was the General. Oh ****, he thought, I have to get somewhere private quick so nobody overhears our conversation. He dashed down a narrow deserted alleyway where he found a homeless person, then took out his gun and shot him before answering the call.
"Shadow! Get your ass over here now! We got a new target and we need you to take care of him!" shouted a loud voice from the other end of Shadow's pink flip phone. "Yes boss!" he replied as he flipped his phone shut and put it back in his pocket. As he walked back out of the alley he realised he had no means of transportation. Luckily, he found a couple making out in a car parked by the street so he killed them and hijacked the car. He tossed the bodies in the back before taking off at twice the speed limit. He killed sixty-nine civilians before he arrived at Edgelord HQ.
A few guards stopped him, asking for his ID so he could enter the building. "I don't have time for this ****," he said edgily before peppering their asses with lead. He entered the building and went straight to the briefing room, only stopping to kill a few more guards along the way. "Looks like you finally got your ass in gear, *****" yelled Luka before throwing a chair across the room. The General was always pissed off when Shadow killed her guards but it's not like there was anything she could do, Shadow was a mother****ing hedgehog and she was just a computer program. Shadow was the only one there who ever did anything anyway, the rest were only there to reward him whenever he killed a target. There were three in total: Neo, Reisen and Camilla. There used to be a fourth but she died after Shadow impregnated her too hard and the fetus erupted into a four-hundred feet monster that rampaged and destroyed the city. Shadow must now wear a condom at all times to prevent further incidents.
"We have a mother****er we need you dispatch," said Luka somewhat more calmly than before. "What is it *****?" asked Shadow. "This mother****er, he's too powerful. Russia nuked this ***** ten times and he's still alive. We need you to kill him," responded Luka. "Sounds simple enough, where do I fight this *****?" "He's in the middle of some *****ass swamp, find him and kill him or we'll execute you." "You can't execute me ***** I'm Shadow the mother****ing Hedgehog." The entire room went silent as they realised that this was, in fact, true, and Shadow could do anything he wanted because he was too damn OP. Finally, Shadow broke the silence: "Well see ya later *****," he said calmly before shooting Camilla five times and leaving. He then hijacked another car before breaking the speed limit again.
Meanwhile, Shrek had finished downloading 34GB of scat-themed yaoi and was currently thinking about how depressed he was whilst wearing his favourite red bunnygirl costume. His intensely homophobic parents had kicked him out and now he was stuck in the middle of a swamp with only his immense anime collection and burning desire for sweet death. Before he could break down into to tears he heard a knock at his door and went to open it, only to find a midget dressed in a hedgehog costume. Then he realised that it was not a midget in a hedgehog costume but an actual anthro hedgehog who was standing at his front door. Shrek was pissed that someone had interrupted his daily yaoi session. "WHAT ARE YA DOIN, IN MAH SWAMP??" he yelled in a heavy Scottish accent. "I will make you die *****," said Shadow before unloading a ****load of lead into Shrek. However, Shrek had disappeared. "Nothing personnel kid" uttered Shrek as he teleported behind Shadow and unsheathed his superior Japanese katana and was about to kill Shadow when he realised this was the same hedgehog that had taken up half of his scat-themed yaoi.
He hesitated, but Shadow was no longer there. "Ah, but it is I who am behind you, *****!" shouted Shadow as he also teleported behind Shrek and shot him. Shrek dodged with his magic anime powers. "What the ****, that's ****ing impossible!" screamed Shadow as he realised he was running low on bullets. He said some very bad words which I can't share on this gay dragon website and ran away like a little ***** coward. Shrek stared in wonder at what the **** he had witnessed and went back inside to change his bunnysuit. Meanwhile, somewhere else, Shadow shot some more people.
Was this the start of a horribly bad fanfic plot or something more? Find out next episode!



I regret everything but by the time I realised this was a bad idea I was already several paragraphs in. I apologise sincerely for ruining your day.

i already regret my life. i am immune to this topic

Quote: Jaggedstar

i already regret my life. i am immune to this topic

Now you regret it even more.

Sorry but...

TLDR

Quote: Muffin Man

Sorry but...

TLDR

It's a Shadow x Shrek fanfiction that I regret deeply.

“It was a late Saturday night when Shadow left the strip club.“

Title is accurate.

jokes on you i already hate myself

Part 2: The Finale

Shadow checked another item off his list. After unleashing the Bubonic plague against some ****hole village in some ****hole third world country, he had almost committed every war crime under the Geneva Convention. Next, he was going to set off some Rottweilers against that annoying emo kid down the street who wouldn't stop playing Evanescence at full volume. That was the last item on his list before he could become the UN's most wanted criminal.
Before he could do that, however, he got another phone call. "What is it, Luka you *****? Can't you see I'm ****ing busy? Unless it's something about those Rottweilers, I'd like you to eat ****, **** off and die of Leprosy, you mother****ing *****," said Shadow in a mildly irritated voice. He didn't have time for her bull****. Besides, he still had a hardon from meeting Shrek. He couldn't afford any more distractions at a time like this.
"Shut your little ***** mouth, you son of a *****! This **** is important! It's that ****er, Medallion Man! He's almost obtained that ****ing sixth-" her voice was cut short and Shadow panicked. Medallion Man! After Shadow had burned his house down sometime a few years ago, he was sure that ****er was gone for good. How could he still be alive? Medallion Man was Shadow's greatest nemesis, an occultist employed by the FBI to defeat Shadow at any cost. He was sure their long ang bloody rivalry had finally come to an end when Shadow doused that son of a ***** in gasoline.
Yet he lived! More than that, he was now within reach of that ****ing sixth medallion! Despite his unathletic build, Medallion Man was still powerful enough to take on multiple ****bag store employees, his strength was mostly gained through his knowledge of the occult - with the powers granted to him by those ****ing medallions, he could reach beyond the realm of the living and draw upon the otherworldly powers of other dimensions, even going so far as to detach his soul from his body for maximum destruction. That mother****er could not be allowed to live any longer!
With this in mind, Shadow panicked even further. He started to focus, which was already quite difficult for him. He calmed his hardon by imagining Luka naked, then calmed himself further by going on a shooting spree in the nearest ****hole village, bringing his total kill count to around two thousand. He hijacked a truck and raced back to Edgelord HQ at maximum speed, breaking half a dozen speed limits along the way and adding another two dozen to his kill count.
When he arrived, Luka had been killed. God ****ing dammit! Medallion Man had arrived too soon, ****, Shadow wanted to be the one to kill Luka! He looked around and noticed Reisen was gone and Neo was tied up. Neo had always been Shadow's favourite. As he slowly walked towards Neo, he felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck. Before he went unconscious, his last though was, "god ****ing damn son of a ***** Medallion Man, this is all that ****er's fault."
When he woke up, he found himself handcuffed to a rusty pipe with Shrek also handcuffed to a rusty pipe on the other end of the room. Both were naked. As they had now both been reunited, they gazed longingly at each other with deep lust in their eyes. Shadow blushed. "Sh-Shrek-sama~" uttered Shadow. "Sh-Shadow-sama~" growled Shrek in Scottish. Before they could embrace, they remembered they were tied up in some ****hole bathroom. "****ing son of a *****," retaliated Shadow.
They both noticed the TV in the room as it flickered on and the disgusted visage of a 37-year-old manchild filled the screen. "Ay, it's Chris-Chan, ya bastard!" shouted Shrek. Chris chuckled. "H-hello, uh, Shadow... Shrek, too." stuttered Chris. "I, well, yeah. Uh, wanna play a g-game? I mean, I want to, uh, play a game." The manchild just then noticed they could see his face so he put on a crudely-made clown mask and put a distortion effect over his voice so he sounded like a black metal vocalist on drugs.
"For a while, a f-few years, it's a long time, you've been giving in. Uh, to b-basic desires, that is. Lust and wrath, I think. It's not g-good. So I made this, yeah, a game. I put some f-flamethrowers in your, uh, ducks. I injected you with water. You will need to urinate soon, perhaps, a-and when you do, your urine will burn flames through the other of, yeah, you two. It's like a m-metaphor for how you always r- re- uh, use your ducks for your selfish desires, or something. Live or d-die, make your... uh, choice." The TV screen blinked off.
"Ah! That son of a *****!" whined Shadow. "I'll rip onions outta his rectum!" spoke Shrek. They looked back at each other, again, longingly. "Shrek... I don't know if we'll meet again, so I'd like to tell you-" "I know." replied Shrek. Shadow blushed. Just then, filled with lustful thoughts, their phalluses rose up high, aimed at each other like some strangely erotic Mexican standoff. "Aye, Shadow, there's somethin' Ah gots ta tell ya as well..." Shadow's heart skipped a beat. "What is it, my dear?" "Ah really gots ta piss." Shadow's felt a terrible sense of dread.
"No! Stay strong! We'll get out of this together, and then we'll-" Shadow could not finished his sentence as, halfway through, Shrek emitted a powerful stream of fire from his crotch, burning Shadow into ashes instantly. "Ah'm sorry, Shadow... Ah loved ya," cried Shrek. Just then, his handcuffs unlocked, and Chris-Chan rode in on a tricycle which was ten sizes too small for him. He looked absolutely ridiculous.
"Woah, that's good, like, some people are s-so ungrateful to be-" Shrek ripped onions out of his rectum, killed Chris. He then stood there in silence for a few minutes before falling to his knees and crying heavily. "Ah didn't mean it, Ah never wanted it to end this way... Shadow! Ah'm sorry, Ah'm so sorry..." He continued crying for a few hours until his tear ducts dried completely.
A few weeks later, Shrek went into the local bar. "Same as usual?" asked the bartender. "Aye," replied Shrek. As he took his drink he stared down into it, depressed. The confrontation with Chris-Chan had made him depressed. He could no longer feel any happiness and joy, the only person who could comfort him was now dead. Shrek felt no will to live, now all he did was come down to the bar every day and drown his sorrows with intoxication. Life, to Shrek, was suffering.

And then Shrek went on a magical journey of vengeance against some local hippies, but that's a story for another day.