darkSpyro

ugh humans are always cheating each other for personal gain

What frustrates me as well is how I know there could be much better. Of course I deserve much better, of course I simply want to not listen to your real bull****, but if you two [parents] knew your **** rather than acting like you know ****, like you're smarter because parents, you could have taught me. You could have supported me. You honestly don't even know your ****. Not even about yourselves, it seems. Not even enough to admit you stifling me.

Momma, you even realise how much you leave me at home with that jackass? Right now. Recently. Do you even understand that? You can change it. Right now. You know that hurt me. Stop making it worse. Do you have some other idea with doing it, are you just selfishly avoiding him? Would you ever even explain? Do you even know why, are you even thinking about why? You act like you're not whenever I confront you, like it's just a habit, give into it. As with so many other issues.

And I'm not okay with it, I tell you all the time- I'm so tired of telling you no, I'm not okay with it, you telling me "oh, I thought you'd be okay with it"- are you not going to aim to treat me better or even listen when I explain? And you always repeat that **** I tell you off for.

Look, it's not ruining entire days for me anymore but I'm not okay with you being like this. I'm unhappy that this is part of my life.

Of course I don't know much **** either, I certainly fall in similar traps, but at least I know enough to see how ignorant you really are. And admit I don't know much **** and ****ed myself up and that I just throw my arms up a lot. And I want criticism, to this day, to be quite honest. I think I don't try to pretend I'm better than I am. Maybe I think I'm better than I am but that's not the point. I don't try to pretend I'm better than I think I am, but I do try to become better, but there's a difference- you just try to pretend like you're better and it killed me so much. Much like that other thing, it isn't ruining my days anymore but I'm certainly unhappy that you are part of my life and a bit hung up on it right now so I'm not going to claim I'm totally past this either.

And of course you two yell so much when you're so ignorant. It's really ****ing sad how behind we are on a lot of things because, to start, you don't even understand them- you don't even admit that to yourself, you try to be blissfully ignorant when you really COULD do better and I've tried to help with better and provide for myself more. Tried to point out issues. With you two, that's just constantly a brick wall. Did you ever even teach me how to cook?

Trickle-down ignorance?... hah. Well, I think they call it "learned helplessness". But see, I did teach myself to cook SOME things. I'm doing so much better for myself than my ****ing parents have done for me in years which is equally depressing and empowering.

My parents are the kind of people who would tell me not to use Bannerbomb out of fear, dear god it's kind of hilarious to think of that, they stress over any ****ing thing I do despite... themselves, and how little they ever "allowed" me to do (of course, I'm forcing more and trying much less to look for approval very very recently), which is the sad part

One of my friends once told me my parents sound "kind of dumb" which... I do view them as "kind of dumb". Jesus what does that say about me?

My parents aren't yelling or even picking on eachother right now, so worry not to any readers. However, after a string of efforts to mitigate my ****ty Internet (not looking optimistic) I'm pretty frustrated at how held-back I feel. Of course that wraps back to them... but another topic, too-

I've totally ****ed myself a lot and I don't do enough work at all, but holy ****- I can't wait to live somewhere else. I don't wanna live somewhere art is as much of a joke as it is here, where Internet service is this bad, where weed is still illegal, where the sun burns constantly, and where you get to choose exclusively between living in the suburbia with no actual breathing space or the literal outback, just loads of little **** here. drawdler wants to live quietly

I'm sure everywhere has problems, sure I'd have to compromise on some things I have now, but god damn. There has to at least be somewhere fun I could live which isn't such a burninator. I need to look for better (not even perfect, but better), I'm willing to put the effort in, I'm going to look. I'm going to travel, I'll find places that seem nicer- and hell, I just wanna take trips. I always did.

I mean, I'm putting some effort into myself right now. Again, maybe not enough, but could you blame me for taking a lot of **** easy?

I fear the possibility of throwing my hands up and settling for the things I hate about this place because it's "good enough" and I would have to put effort in to look elsewhere- I fear the possibility of giving up on myself AGAIN- I also hate the idea that this place, with all its issues, may be "best", as I've wanted to live elsewhere for so long, and some of these issues are so painful to me, I so vehemently believe this can't just be it. Surely.

I know I'm willing and able to put effort into some things... because of my efforts with art last year. A literal dozen hours of work a day, solely for and enforced by myself, for two months. I can say I'm proud of that... though it was a year ago... ._.

Anyways, I've had some people tell me it doesn't take much to be better than America but that's honestly how I feel about Australia. HOLY ****.

uhhhh dysphoria of all kinds gives be a bad image of my actual appearance.
wish i could afford all of the surgeries and stuff that'd help me fix that

in a few days it will be the day of my birth, truth be told i wish the day didsn't exist and wasn't boirn,l i haste myself and it hurts so much, cryng by myself is best because i dn't want to be a burden to any ome

tfw you’ve had a huge crush on a girl for over half a year, thought she was the most perfect girl ever, and then you find out she smokes weed and that’s enough to completely make you lose interest

I know my mindset on this is unreasonable but I can’t help how substance usage makes me feel

It frustrates me much how it just feels like love should be a silver bullet to problems when it absolutely isn't, there's **** to work out and maintain and do. It feels like if you could have it, you could just indulge in it with no strings attached- my whole ordeal with that guy made me just want it again, largely just to feel good off that- but not at all. You'd want stability in it, understanding too, but they take effort, that can be some unstable work to keep up the patience or perhaps work on eachother.

I learned with that guy, I need someone I can learn with who wants to learn about me, who I also want to learn from, both knowing a lot the other does not. But there's work in that to be prepared for. Maybe it's farfetched and I'm certainly getting ahead of myself- I probably shouldn't be at this subject, and it's another thing where I don't know and I'm just asking questions- but I bring this up now because with that effort and working on oneself... something so important to me anyway- maybe it's because I realise you have to put effort into the stability of a relationship... or something. If you're both putting effort into self-learning anyways... maybe you'd take that stuff more seriously and handle it better. Something.
And I just like it! I know I need someone who will indulge at least most of my rambling and maybe- this I don't know- someone who also rambles sometimes! With interesting points! I like interesting people and I want, even as friends, people with interesting experiences and growth and just stories to tell. Who knows. It's a lot to take in that kind of thing but that also means it's really engaging but that also means more work... I suppose if you make it through a lot of work it makes it more likely for things to last. But that, I don't know how much I could take. And I want some criticism, obviously. And obviously I want someone who can be stupid with me a lot of the time anyways, crack a JoJoke or ten.

And I already told you! I'm afraid some of these things might just need to be solved or found with experimentation, but that seems like a risk, but then I wanna love for sappy relief and feeling good. It's nonsense.
Maybe this ideal stuff just wouldn't cross my path anyways; after all, you can do everything right and have things fail, or just not feel it, or some other third thing. I thought I had many of these things with that guy last year, but we know how that went. A ****ty thought.

Love comes with some of the most infuriating emotional dissonances out there imo. And I don't know if this is just me, but when I did fall into it, it stupefied me. There were so feelings so strong and it's worse when it's been so rare, and I think will stay so rare, and I have so many emotional issues, that I fear it's something I'd cling onto and bend my spine just to feel it, if I come across it again. Or maybe I'll feel it and be really triggered thinking of him. I heard the brain has similar reactions to drugs and love and I haven't looked that up but I'd ****ing believe it.

I have problems with emotional dissonance. How do you even fix that? 'Cause I'd fear suppressing my emotions too much. Or, in an effort to put them aside, going and doing things that would make me feel worse and begin D O W N W A R D S P I R A L.

Maybe sex is more of a no-strings relief. I'm glad I can do it without some commitment to love- well, and actually enjoy it, without that love. But of course I'd hate having sex with someone I dislike. It wouldn't save a dying relationship. And there's some reason I would only have given my offer with this little gig to you-know-who-you-are. We already had something to work off for that. Obviously there's still emotion in this stuff for me. A want to make this **** goooood, not just getting off because my crotch is whiny. You-know-who-you-are, you know what I mean well enough and I appreciate that I could let it off on someone.

More likely, there is no silver bullet in life, but it's so frustrating it makes me want one more. Basic wanting what you can't have. And life has so much bull****. Yare yare, for real... :'D

Diverging more from this, another thing is that guy told me he think the feeling of love eventually, always, fades away. (I suppose that would be for him.) I wonder about that. I don't really think that sounds too absurd but the way he said it was pretty blunt and I believe some connection to the memories would stay and that matters. If you made it painfully practical and strict instead, then oof. But you cluld be too strict about what you wanna feel, I guess.

Anyways, at this point I do feel much more okay discussing love than I used to. I don't know what changed there, but it's become much less of a private subject for me. I'm fine with this happening because love isn't really sacred. It just felt like it, so badly, it's infuriating. Maybe I'm fine with just discussing this because that guy made me realise how it's not sacred.

I knew him since 2013 or 2014 so he was one of my oldest friends. I remember trying TF2 with him, I remember he told me about a time a bee rested on his hand. Remember Chatzy.

He seemed like a cool guy. It's hard to explain but I always looked up to him. He seemed more mature and there he was at college and some other **** and he still liked Skylanders and had fun chats. It's weird to say but he seemed to want to nurture me, he asked me about stuff when we did talk and encouraged me.

The thing is we didn't even speak for most of those years because he was just away or I went away or other stuff- to this day, I don't understand, perhaps I forgot some circumstance- but he must have went and followed me around and he had this website to reach me. He told me, he only joined this website because of me. But he didn't reach out to me most of that time at all. Maybe it's because I kept dying, I don't remember that. I assumed he just moved on or was too busy and it was only me looking up to him.
He had sent one message trying to reach out to me that I didn't reply to for I don't even remember how long, because I was scared to check it, I thought I deserved to be shat on at the time.

When we did speak again in 2018 he said he was always "interested" in me. I still don't know what to make of that. How it might paint his old messages. Those messages are long gone but wondering about them makes me feel emptier because of that. I'll really never understand, but it makes it hard even to think back to a lot of those. I can never have an answer, not even a real answer to how I would react to seeing those messages. They just "exist" as smeared memories.
Why do they still cross my mind? Why do they seem so relevant? I think I'm sentimental to cope with life, tryna hold onto what I can, perhaps because those memories are so tainted for me I feel really bad about that or scared of losing them... I do think I should just be able to enjoy them casually like anything else from that time, but as of now, I can't.

My overall point is that I think I could have been really good friends with him. And all that older stuff still means a lot to me which makes me feel like something is very wrong with part of me. We hardly even talked but I really did think he was cool, he was one of those people I hoped I would run into again. Was he really like this the whole time?

If I said this to him, I'm sure he'd just try to force me past it. I hate assuming so poorly of someone. I know that's really ****ed judgement. But I know it's not worth fighting for and honestly, nothing makes me doubt my decision, to say goodbye. I haven't just because I'm still not all that stable.

I still am refuse to forgive you, but why