darkSpyro

I'm sad

Nothing else to type this time, even though I usually type a lot

feeling lightheaded? but i think its just stress...

It really frustrates and angers me that I can be myself only part-time for you. These obligations, duties and doing-the-right-things of my life are just necessary evils I must do in order to be worthy of it all again. It sucks, I know but I cannot see any other way and half-hearted compromises are just going to give me too much leeway to get sucked back to my own vices.

When I woke up, it was raining.

I went back to sleep anyway.

Let me back to sleep again.

i drew something cursed today

please send helpppp

Quote: ThunderEgg

i drew something cursed today

please send helpppp

help is on the way

Quote: BlueFox

Quote: ThunderEgg

i drew something cursed today

please send helpppp

help is on the way

t t h a nk

I find it especially hard to eat today.

Well, my drawing's a start. Let's not end too soon.

You ever just... ... lyrics have wrapped me up. Entire visions.
Maybe music will help me sleep. Like years ago.

---

ThunderEgg, you might have already, but try drinking water if your head hurts.
You can even have mine, it's not like I drink it (when I should).

---

Everyday I think about how scary it to try to talk to people and how I'm going to have to force myself hard to even try. My head hurts so much. I feel so sick. In this moment I'm once again not really anxious but even though "I don't care" sounds more fun, I really, still, am dead inside.

I wish there were a way for screwballs like me to instantly fall alseep when we want to in the day. The ****ing joy of insomnia, writhe for hours or go til you conk out... they're both terrible. And I've even been getting steadier sleep this week... but I hate it, it's more dull.

---

I feel like throwing **** again c: T'will be too hot to embark on frivolous spending tomorrow so hopefully this either dies completely or holds out until I get the chance to buy that cheap crap

---



Now that I'm making myself preoccupied with drawing and reading other crap again I honestly feel much more self-centered... doesn't help the case for that either.

Drawing smut again was nice. I suppose I can call it "Killer Cock". Honestly that might help me sleep.

But it's 12:30 and I feel horrible strain on my temples. I haven't even looked at screens or listened to music or anything a lot today? I ate more than one whole meal? I stepped outside? My period is over? What is wrong. It sucks so much when you put the effort in and feel worse but you don't even understand why you feel worse.

Actually, it's raining as I type this but it's still really, really hot.

---

The rain only lasted five minutes.

When I thought I were good- a couple of times, even best- friends with some people, and it kinda faded away, or even kinda died off, it didn't hurt like this. And I don't pine, and as I remember had never pined as badly, to have a mutual "best friend" again. I think it's better for me not to have one, actually, heh. I may just end up too wrapped with one of them, if that happened. I also, nowadays, particularly appreciate having friends that just mean different things to me? Make sense?

I also don't hold a piece of ill will to most of those people for that, any bumps in friendships or other moments that just upset me and me alone, even though some of it meant a lot to me. I let go of any ire, dumb or not, with many friends, quite fast- yet still, for whatever reason, feel ire toward my ex. What, two and a half years later?


I suppose it was just a lot easier to forgive for being more casual, but considering how those moments and friendships used to be for me, and some other things I feel about friendship, it seems mildly interesting.

The broad reasons for why I can forgive friends much more easily are obvious but I always try to mine out more, even if it's probably pointless.
Perhaps if I understood more of this, I'd understand a bit of my line between friendship and romanticism.

There's more for me to mull over with friendships, too. I just had to write this for now.

Dear friends: I hope I feel okay to go and just talk with you guys again soon. I never express it but I think about you at some point everyday. I have much more to say about how I appreciate you guys, really, and I feel like I'm only writing lip service but having friends who will still help me stand up or even will still just talk like old times- when I've said so much garbage- it's one thing that I'm actually blessed to have. I will remember you. I do remember you. I don't feel I live up to all of this but you know I've been burned a lot, but I'm gonna try, when I have the mental strength. Anyway, thank you for trying.

And hey look at that urge to throw is gone lamo why ???????????????? I'll go offline now. Not sure I can sleep, but sure should stop writing right now.

why do i do this to myself. everything is going perfectly fine and im happy and i love my life and then out of nowhere some dark thought creeps in or one tiny little itty bitty thing bothers me and then suddenly my whole existence is ruined. im a crying blubbering mess, and for what? there isnt even anywhere i can go nothing i can do. i cant stay in my dorm, i dont want my roommate to see me like this and my room is just a beacon for 9 other people to go to when they're bored and i'm in no condition to entertain people right now. i'll just feel bad for asking them to leave or for making them feel like they have to do something for me or feel bad for me because im crying. tht's ust it, i can't do anything for myself. i'm not even excited for my own ****ing burthday. itt's on saturday but i dont want it to even happen because i don't want people to feel obligated to agknowledge me. di dont want people to feel like they have to do anything for me. my family probably wont either. im 20, who cares. there are babies in the family that are months old, they are the ones that acquire all of the attention. i guarantee nobody is actually gonna care about me. it'll be my birthday, but i'll be ignored because everyone only cares about the babies. that' what i want though, right? i want to be alone. i'm in the basement of this building across campus sitting at a dark table because i need to be alone. i dont know what to do. usually if i call my parents i feel better but i dont want them to worry. im already sick and its miserable everything hurts and im hot and sore and my stupid nose keeps running adn its even worse cuz im crying. i finally get to go home in a few days, i should be excited. i was until now. first day of break is my birthday and i have family thanksgiving and its gonna be awful. i seriously dont know what to do thats why im back on this stupid forum because i have nowhere to go except for this stupid thread in this stupid forum. im so pathetic. how am i suppposed to even enjoy my break. ill be alone which is what i want now but at that point ill probably hate it. god i have an exam tomorrow morning that i should be studying for. i woulndt have had to if my stupid brain would just be able to do the cass readings in one sitting. i just want to function. i was so close to functioning. i was even gonna tell the girl that i like that i liked her but now i dont even want to. i dont want to talk toanydboy. i dont want to inconvenience anybody with my prescence. they'll expect me to be silly and happy and jokey and energetic and positive and barfing stupid memes like always and once i get real they'll get uncomfortable adnd so will i and ill truly be alone. i wasn't meatn to be taken seriously. i cant function as a serious person. my whole existence must be ironic. i dont knwo what to do with myself. i jsut wanna laie down. i want to sleep but i know i cant im trapped i dont know what to ****ing do i ****ing hate my life i wnna go home but i am home i dont know what to akjrsbgwkjbhn

Christmas time is here, happiness and cheer, fun for all that children call their favorite time of year

Im so scared of being a bad person. What if im secretly a bad person. what if no one is telling me. i get so scared that i stop myself from talking to people because im scared im hurting them

Well, okay. I feel like I'm just going to slink off again.

I wish I could. I think purely for myself that I should. I always worry that I'm stupid.

I'm just so lonely, and I know that. I wish I could make friends in-person.

If I had good self-control in the first place, I wouldn't have ended up in that mess. I ****ing wish. And **** I am just anxious again today.

I don't wanna eat any food really. I'm not hungry or stuff, I'm just a mess.

-

In the end all this boils down to is I want to go back to my old self and I mentally cannot. I would just be kidding myself to act that way which always makes me sad. But I wish I were better at kidding myself, I should do it for certain things. I could move on from certain things which is what I need. I'm simply not that forgiving. Not of myself, either.

Maybe if I make some art about it. Or maybe I'd be too much of a perfectionist about it. I've done some similar vent drawings and they weren't great but they helped... at least I have that. But those were things I could actually draw to some extent! Those were things I truly felt or knew enough visual language for. I don't understand or even deeply feel many things that I want to draw and it's hard work trying to understand and I just am not patient now.

I have this thought of something that will never happen: that I am picked up by something the same way I was last year. I don't mean the exact same way, I just mean that something could make me happy and feel like my old self out of nowhere again, just like last year. But I have no trust in and am not willing to try that. It's traumatic now. Even if things came along, I know that I wouldn't be open. It feels I have to fight just so that I'm not breaking down yet again. Of course, I am breaking down, though. Magicky.

Maybe I miss my old self so much because it would have been so much better to work off of. I was always somewhat stupid and I don't remember being the person that I wanted to be, but I was happy then and I just feel burned all the time now. At least back then I was more focused on blaming myself and now I doubt everything. Life is such a ****in letdown.

---

I remember. You asked me why I was so open to you from the start and I think part of it was having no baggage with you. You weren't quite like my other friends, you were away from a lot of things that happened. No association with it. And I really did miss you a lot of the time.
But you left more baggage. It drives me crazy.

I just had to write this down.

I can tell I'm not going to sleep until very, very late.

IQ: 200000

Crisis averted

God damn, I really wish I could be with you. I’m certain you’d reject me though. You don’t deserve someone as ****ty as me anyway. Literally anyone else would be a better option than me. You deserve someone far better than I am. I suppose I’ll just hold back and I’m sure you’ll find someone else who can make you happy like I wouldn’t be able to.

I know I’ll never find love. I know I don’t deserve it. But it still breaks my heart nonetheless.

Any day now... I know I’ll end it soon. I’ll end it all. I’d rather experience nothing than experience my unfortunate existence.

I have made a new friend since 2017.
Stay safe, miss.

Ah! But I made two new friends since.

This makes me feel much better about myself.

I wondered if I could even make new friends and I suppose at least I end up in circumstances where I find some on the Internet. This is wholesome to me.

im afraid i might be like this forever. but thats not true. i just have to keep on trying

You're a bad mom.

Please stop promising things I continually call you out for breaking promises over. Please stop holding me back from every ****ing dream I have. Please stop giving me lip service. Please stop leaving me to fend for myself when I do actually ask you for help. Please stop letting me down and then act like I can trust you for jack. Please stop using me as a meatshield in your arguments. Please stop trying to bull**** me. Please learn some respect for me. Please review how long this has gone on. Please listen to what I'm actually saying, right from the heart. Please understand I didn't have someone else tell me this or read this somewhere rlse. Please understand you're ostracising me. Please let me be a ****ing individual. Please let me make mistakes to learn from. Please stop treating me like some cute little thing you can hang onto and love in spite of him. Please stop acting like I'll always be your little daughter.

And most of all, please stop acting so ****ing apathetically. That's how you can sum up this entire ****ing mess. I tell you continually that's how you act, and you're apathetic even to hearing that.

I hate you. You just let me rot, wasted my youth, and never own up to it.

I honestly would love to cut you out of my life. My family ****ing sucks.

---

The more time I think about it, the more I think I've only ever been this disappointed by myself in my entire ****ing life. I admired and respected you that much, and now most of my respect and all of my trust in you is just gone.
I'm saying it while this is still fresh to me, but you really ****ed up.
Don't you ever ****ing do this the way you did to someone again. You never had to do this in the first place, though. It's just me, I'll be okay so it's all okay, huh?
... You burned me in ways I have been so ****ing often and I thought you understood that these things were problems for me. I ask for criticism a lot, and now you're another person who just wasn't open to me and hurt me from it. But I expected so much more. I shouldn't have trusted you. But now that sets the precedent I shouldn't ****ing trust anyone.

Honestly, I don't even trust you to have kept my pictures private.

If you are reading this, then I know you've left messages and I'm just not ****ing reading them now, because I'm so ****ing mad at you. If it's actually urgent then you know where you could message me, dip****.

---

If I say something that I regret in the open then you know, it's easier to just take the blame, entirely mine. Not wrestle with my frustration at anyone else as I so often do. It's always easier for me to accept when I **** up because I don't trust others to even understand. I don't even trust myself to explain. I'm so ****ed

I put on a couple of kilograms since I last checked my weight.
I've been a couple underweight for this entire year so this makes me happy. Dunno if it's healthy, but I can eat again.

---

I'm just so thirsty I can't even make the joke

...

A lot of the time I could just enjoy the anticipation, I wind up back to those nights, but more specifically you. And it's way too much for me. I don't have anyone to share the fun **** with and my memory often loops back to you, but frankly, I'm disgusted by you now. I don't even think that I really hate you- partly you're too relatable, partly I'm still guilty- but it truly baffles me how you acted, I don't understand how you could then act like it was okay.

**** if I know what to do, I'll have to read your messages and then it'd probably be best to spend some time winding down after that but it depends what they even are. There's **** to address with you and it's reallly urgent to me, but I know that if I act on that feeling of urgency and so much as read your messages then I'm going to be in a worse downward spiral.

I really have things to say on here too, but even expecting that you won't read this, I just can't. It's just too personal. I'd go too far.
I guess this month I'm learning some sort of self-control. Failing at plenty, but still. Whole ****fest happened because I was that naive again.

I think I'm going to speak to more than one friend about this again because some of my questions are so difficult. I just feel bad that I would be asking them about that, they don't deserve to experience the mess. But I know I try, nobody tells me it bothers them, I know my friends must like me. Why do I feel so guilty just to ask for help?

---

With all that said this was a really good day. Well, I'll still be awake for quite a while and I could end up crying all night, but I can think back to that, even tomorrow.

Because you know what? This isn't forced optimism this time. I don't think that I really understand, but today felt liberating. I truly appreciate today. I'm scared, but I am actually somewhat happy. This is genuine optimism, not myself or someone telling me to chin up. That kind of optimism it's like, oh, I have to do it- right now I truly believe that today was good, instead.

---



On to the heart of the sunrise.

how do people have fun

I want to get to know some people better

I'm gonna read these messages tonight but not while you're online

I will definitely tell you this directly but you're honestly a trigger for me now which makes me never want to talk to you. It hurts even seeing you on my friends list like nothing is wrong.

Maybe I already said it on this topic, but there isn't a better way to say it: when I do fall for someone, my brain splats over the pavement.

But it feels like I was just manipulated into it.

Edit: it's been hours and having this pulled up gives me physical pain and I can't read it.

I wish I had someone to physically comfort me with this here or even just to sit there, but I don't.

Midday was better, but really lonely tonight.

big bro’s coming home today <3

kinda nervous cause i suck at convos irl and stutter like a broken sprinkler, but i think it’ll turn out fine. hopefully. ngl i find myself annoying.

I hope you have fun BlueFox.

I managed to pull my bandaid off, that's all I'll say, gotta step away from those thoughts tonight.

(irl) Sorry if I am annoyed, but I am not 100% a 1 ***** army. God I wish and I try, but I am just a strong mule trying help Mom plow the fields more than half of the time. In fact I have helped yesterday with Aunty and I am incredibly sore. Had to get down on all 4s and really get those spots on the floor. Could you all please chill and actually not be a bit lazy or idiotic with these chores? I'm not Atlas and I cannot hold all with my shoulders.

ace people do not get the respect they deserve > : (

My entire body is screaming at me
I shouldn't be awake

It asks what is wrong? It seems, it thinks everything...

Don't want advice but do want to post this to really admit it to myself, trigger warning


I'm sorry I actually went and posted that... I'm so tired of really... not admitting it even to myself.

If I post things here it ends up helping me admit it to myself. It's more permanent than another note doomed to the ether.

I don't want anyone to have to listen to it, but I think it's real... so, I can admit to myself, at least so I'm aware.

I think... this feels like such big happy times were a lie. But, that's ridiculous, but I don't understand how, it really, really hurts me this much? Maybe I don't understand myself because, there has to be something else? Would answers to this even help?

I really, I have such **** in my head, I have to (mentally) slap myself even to remember what's happening, I keep staring into space with my mouth hanging. Is this how I start going wholly inept?

Can I work like I did last year again? I'd take that... working on art. Really. Nothing else, not even needing to feel better but to see myself doing that level of practical work, by myself, again.

I'm scared even to eat tonight... I've been awake for forty hours or something now and it still feels like I'm going to be pulling another all-nighter tonight.

What am I gonna do while I'm awake?

I can't absorb even memes right now... I'm just awake exhaustively. Nothing feels real, but I also think things aren't connecting in my head now? Yeah, where's some actual news, huh?

This feels like something I should just keep in my notes but, well, I'm writing it through this site... Why, even? It's better than not doing anything, maybe? Seems all the same.

Mashedpotatos help me cope with anxiety

my irl best friend went to college and never talks to me anymore. and none of my internet friends ever reply to me and im close to like 3 people irl. sometimes i come back here but most of the people i remember from here probably forgot about me long ago and it sux. i wish i could reconnect with some people. im always living like 2013 was a couple years ago. but then it hits me that its been years and years since i talked to some people and i feel old. i want to be a dumb preteen again and talk to all those people again.

Hmm. Everything else is too serious. So. I'm still pissed off that even Wiimmfi doesn't work for me because of course it's Australian Internet. I'm not pissed about Mario Kart because I still had fun playing it but how you pay this **** and it simply doesn't work, making something that should just be simple dumb entertainment an inconvinience. I get Win DCs so I'm gaining points but that's not fun, I can't even find a room most of the time, I tried for hours and couldn't finish one race, my Internet is that uncooperative.

When I tried playing months ago, it was bad, but not so bad I couldn't finish a race. So my Internet service has definitively gotten worse, and the speeds still haven't improved at all, since they reworked some cables last month.

Dammit, I really want to pour my feelings out to you. But I know you wouldn’t accept me. I really wanna just go ahead and get a rejection tbh, but I don’t want to risk compromising our friendship, as unlikely as that may be knowing you.

I suppose my best option is just to stay quiet and keep my feelings to myself. I’ll stay single, and you’ll surely find someone who you love and can make you happy. I’ll stay alone, and you’ll live a life of happiness surrounded by people who care for you. I’ll end my life, and you’ll go on barely remembering who I was. It’d be ridiculous for me to think I’d ever have a shot with you. You shine so brilliantly, and I’m barely even the flickering embers of a human. You’re just too amazing. I can’t imagine anyone being any more wonderful than you. It breaks my heart knowing I won’t ever be able to give my heart to you. Or to anyone for that matter. I can’t possibly even imagine anyone ever wanting to be with me. That notion is more ridiculous than anything. I’m just so worthless.

For me it was a curse to be born as a human. I wish I’d never at all been born into this world. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t have been.

5char

Misinterpretations can lead into demises of good things. Maybe disclaimers about the meanings behind messages are in order to not destroy something that brings peace and happiness.

2 weeks

2 weeks and Finals

Quote: willspyro

Time to put my foot down and fix this sleep schedule

Haha nice meme

cool egg

wooooooooo

i think i do a good job at not getting mad at people

Ok, this is my low point, from here on out you must haul some ass if you want to go to that college you've been dreaming about since elementary school. Success is not easy.

Loads of snow predicted for next week? I hope it's just newspaper scaremongering. Snow means no trains, no trains means I can't get to my group presentation!

dhfjjhdshjkdfhj i keep giving myself anxiety at night about loans and stuff. i should just take them and be done with it but... thats basically selling my soul away

broke the ******* streak. wonder if it’d be better had i just not existed. she deserves better.

sick today so i took a break from everything. it was nice.

still doesnt help that this place has really bad soundproofing, though

What a long day.

Hey, from last year. **** you! You don't deserve my patience. You probably aren't reading this but I'm going to make this loud and clear, because last time, I wasn't confident enough, so I didn't make this clearer. Piss off! We're not friends anymore.

Thanks for the TF2, thanks for your writing, thanks for looking over me, thanks for actually talking about art, thanks for ****ing me. Really. Hell, thanks for being a little package of cautionary tales. Sure am a slippery mess but now I can do better than you- both in the sense of what I get and give.

I'll say, lawd, those memories are all so detached from the current you in my mind. It's not normal for me to feel such absolute spite and disgust and hold such refusal to listen to someone. And it's wholly unprecedented for things to be this bad with someone I used to consider a friend. I mean wholly.

And look at me writing all cocky here! I'm still hurt, in places, but maybe that's exactly why I'm just tossing this out. Maybe I'm writing this just so that I feel more confident, but it helped me cope and take steps last month. If I'm just fooling myself, well, merely fooling myself has done something.

At least I can say: suicidal no more. Oh, delicious deviations.

He has definitely, fairly unexpectedly, really earned my patience, instead. It's funny. Here's a time where my life is a ****show and there's some tragedy but I find it more hilarious tragedy... I can look back at that fling laughing at how disgusting it was and how I can just walk away, and enjoy myself, instead. Under the reasoning of my own disgust at you. How disgusting it is, that I feel this way... But I feel good, I sure ****in' should feel good and I know I'm not the only one feeling good right now...

yucky still sick. hopefully ill be better by the 9th

How did you go from being genuine and like able to completely condescending?

edit: i posted that gif because i had nothing to say but i wanted the first post of the new page (i am 12 years old.) but now i do have something to say:

"there are no more great days, Bart. just days." i've never connected with a cartoon character more than Milhouse tbh