you idiot
there's reason you don't go on those sites anymore so don't go on them
you get so ****ing triggered by things
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i'm such a crybaby. i don't know how to not become a crybaby. i cry about the stupidest things that i shouldn't cry about.
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My anger issues have gone down, I can keep my temper in check. I started getting my life together, and was able to get work experience. I am slowly beginning to write and draw again. And that's good. I've even received some nice compliments recently.
But why do I still feel like a failure and that I'm not good enough? Why do I still feel sad?
i'm really ****ing mad at myself for all this. literally EVERYONE else gets to be good while i just suffer. it's not fun. it's not inspiring. it's not gonna make me feel better about anything at all. it just makes me feel like somewhere along the line i made a mistake that prevents me from somehow being good like you. i really WANT to be better but SOMEHOW is never works. no matter what they say, or what i do, it NEVER. ****ING. WORKS. i'm seeing it less as "you have to work for it, i know you can do it, keep trying" and more as "you're either good at it or your not. thats how it is sorry" and i keep lying to myself and saying i can be better but i can't. it's not what i was meant to do.
but people keep saying i can improve and i'm getting better... no, that can't possibly be genuine. take one look at what they do and then look at the things i do, that they say are good. it's can't possibly be genuine. it's all pity. it's not even correct, just a false set of words to make sure i burn myself out. i've seen the sad lives of those who think that the pity is genuine. they turn into the ones you try not to be. they're the ones you observe not because they're good, but because they're so god awful at remaining stable it's somehow fun to watch. i would rather DIE then be that kind of degenerate. i want to find what i'm ACTUALLY good at and stop following dead ends. i just keep seeing even the most novice of people do this thing SO ****ING WELL and i feel like i'm missing something. where's the talent? do they sell talent at a store now, because with the rate everyone around me gets it, they must be.
am i jealous? absolutely.
am i angry? you bet your ass i am.
what am i gonna do? i'm gonna give up.
at this rate i am convinced i did something wrong as a kid that stunted my ability to gain new skills and i can't go back anymore. if you happen to have any talent that involves traditional art forms, please tell me where you obtained said enhancement, so i can find it. i just want to be good like you. good like them. good like 99 percent of people on this site, in this country, in the ****ing world. i can't possibly be good. because i think you're all the greatest i've ever seen, yet i'm nothing like you guys at all. but what makes them all think i'm someone who can be fixed? are they right? am i right? i really wanna know.
they say the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. well if that's true, then clearly i am insane.
i'm not sure where i stand with anyone anymore. sometimes i get the feeling that people want to talk to me and have me around, but most of the time i feel like everyone would enjoy themselves better if i wasn't there.
i suppose it doesn't help that i get the feeling that literally anyone else can talk about things they like or are interested in and people will swoop in to have full blown conversations with them. but the minute i mention a peep of something i like, there's a slew of jokes ripping on it, "lmao more like gay **** amirite", or dead silence to the tone of 'nobody cares'. it makes it extremely difficult to keep liking those things and if anything, makes me want to push them away. where's the fun in keeping to a series or enjoying a game, if you're just going to be relentlessly mocked for it?
i said i didn't mind the jokes about the characters i liked, and i don't. but now i feel i can't even mention a series or a game without feeling terrible about it two seconds later. if you wanted me to shut up about it, then tell me, so i can spare myself the anxiety and downwards mood swings later.
when the depression hits and you were already in an iffy mood
I want to kill myself every waking hour of every day. **** BPD! I can’t live like this anymore. No one cares about me anymore. I’m just a ****ing burden on everyone I meet. If it weren’t for my real life friends liking me for some reason, I would throw myself out the goddamn window
I feel like ****ing **** right now, and nothing is helping. I am pretty sure if I tried to attempt listening to a Set it Off somg I'd burst into tears. Ugh. Emotions are fun...
- - -
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Heading out, my liege? A commission, I presume? Then I shall accompany you. Just...ah, allow me to indulge in one more chapter...
If teachers would do their ****ing job, that'd be real swell.
Blah blah don’t reply to PTs blah blah!
But, I need to say that my Calculus teacher is the worst. She keeps CONSTANTLY getting problems wrong. Like, way too many to count at this point. How am I supposed to learn if I’m constantly being told the wrong answer by the only expert in the room!?
I know it's only been three days of this, but it's getting really hard and I don't know how much longer I can keep my expression from drifting to sadness, because I am dying inside
If teachers would do their ****ing job, that'd be real swell.
Blah blah don’t reply to PTs blah blah!
But, I need to say that my Calculus teacher is the worst. She keeps CONSTANTLY getting problems wrong. Like, way too many to count at this point. How am I supposed to learn if I’m constantly being told the wrong answer by the only expert in the room!?
oh yeah, that's brutal. I was mainly complaining because multiple of my teachers said they'd post stuff online for us to do. GUESS WHAT? It's been multiple days and still nothing. Perfect.
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I used to be THE Bowser, now I'm just an awkward girl
Why am I such an awkward loser? God, I hate how I don’t think before talking... I’m so ****ing stupid. I just wanna ****ing kill myself and never have to bother anyone with my ****ty social skills ever again. ****, I hate myself...
- - -
Hopefully, I see you again tomorrow and I can finally get to know you more.
i hate this feeling i hate this feeling I HATE THIS FEELING I HATE THIS FEELING STOP STOP STOP STOP ;-;
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Can you PLEASE just tell me why you aren't talking to me? Then I'll leave you alone, I promise, even though I haven't said anything to you for a while. Please, PLEASE.
im havin a really hard time, im ****ing hideous i know i am, for months ive been filming myself on my phone and watching it back and just seeing how absolutely ugly i am
I'm going to die alone. It's not even a question like there's no way I have body dysphoria because i know for a fact. I've been on like 7 different datings apps and ive never been swiped by anyone attractive. I must swipe hundreds of girls a day and not one swipes me back.
I'm convinced im going to die alone and a virgin because of how absolutely ugly I am. It's not ****ing fair. It's just not fair. I deserve to be happy, i deserve someone to be happy with and it's not fair. I'm so depressed and lonely and ugh. 1 to 10 im like a 5.5 at best. I keep filming myself and watching it back and crying. I don't know what im going to do.
I'm not fishing for compliments btw, it's just been super ****ing hard lately for me and my self esteem and i needed to vent
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Lanky Kong saved me despite having no style nor grace.
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 09:41:44 07/10/2017 by Lunarz
when u want to call someone stupid for contiuning to argue that the hooded figure at the faerie festival is a krawk and not a lupe but then u realize that ur on neopets and you'll be banned for it.
all my big mouth ever does is get me in trouble and i’d have to be RETARDED not to realize it.
so i fold. i’ll shut my mouth. if it’s the only thing you want, then you deserve it.
i’m nothing. why do i think i’m special? i’m not special. i’m not even average. i’m less than nothing because i’m clearly not smart enough to do anything right.
years of yelling at me finally did something, old man. you did it. you won. you finally broke me.
I keep feeling like I'm messing up. I'll distance myself for a while. It will be better.
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Mm nothing quite beats the feeling of being cold and lonely. Not that there's any way to fix this... Alone is how I'm supposed to be.
--- I just realised that I might not know what the hell is going on
Yes, it is kind of tough to act surprised or whatever since I've ran out of [rude word in plural] to give. And that is everything I have to say about this issue. Kind of anticlimatic personal thought since it is only one sentence long. But that is the way it is so yeah, words and all that. Meaningless, if you ask me...
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I might give you more opinions... for a small fee of course.
2017 is the year of "It's too hard for me, make it easier."
i wanted to say something snarky like a in typical paris fashion, but the mods on MS would've had my ass on a platter faster than you can say gnorcing.
why do people who are so much better than me at this say i'm improving???
like, they're so much better than me, that can't POSSIBLY think i'm any good.
they probably don't mean it. it's all pity. and the one who opens the door to pity is the one who lets his house burn.
(oh god that last part got a bit too literal)
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improvement isn't an option. it's impossible.
i could ask literally ANYONE i know to draw something and it'd be better than anything i've ever made.
everyone keeps talking about all this "you gotta keep trying!" stuff but THESE ARE THE SAME PEOPLE WHO ARE BETTER THAN ME IN EVERY WAY. there is literally nothing i can possibly do to improve. some people are just meant to be bad at things.
the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. and i don't wanna go insane
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 21:59:45 13/10/2017 by ZapNorris
How long has those feelings been harboured? Did I just lose a friend? Things change, people make some changes, maybe I am just not made for this world after all...
I guess that I lost you...
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I might give you more opinions... for a small fee of course.
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 00:39:55 15/10/2017 by Project_Unnamed
Friend sounds so sure of himself when he tells me he won't be busy today...Then he's does that thing with his other friends. He tells me he's forced to make promises with these friends, I know he's part of another group, I'm trying to keep to understanding... But continuously my hopes are built up when told "We'll do it that day, definitely that day, I'm sure it will be that day" only to be told "I'm sorry, I'm going to be busy tonight"... It hurts really badly to have my expectations and hopes built up like that, yeah you tell me you can't promise you can do things that day, you tell me you can't make promises to me, that it will always be an unsure thing, but when you continuously sound so sure of yourself and build things up like that. You crush them when you turn it all on it's head... I can't tell if you're stepping all over me or not because other times you'll say on that day for sure and then we do it, but it's those other times where you build it up and break it down like that. Just... It's a half and half thing and it makes me unable to tell if I'm just being walked all over for my kindness because I try not to be like those "friends" that "force" you to promise things or that you're trying your hardest... But I cannot take it when hopes are built up like that just to be broken down, that my expectations like that... Don't do that to me... Please...
Went in the first time, got uncomfortable about conversation, got out... Some more uncomfortable things ensues today... Just... I wish my existence just blipped out just for today... Just... For today...
--- Like fallen snow, I lay on the ground and wait for my turn to fade away, no matter how unique I seem. It's my gift to you... A true sacrifice...
Edited 1 time - Last edited at 06:10:15 15/10/2017 by Dark Lord
Of course she has a boyfriend now... as if I didn’t feel enough like a loser today. **** my brain, sometimes. I’m so sick and tired of being depressed about news like this. What a ****ing stupid loser I am. To feel so instantaneously bitter about this. Can I just kill myself now, please?
I don't want to try. I'm tired of trying. Because no matter how hard or how many times I try, it won't stay fixed. It'll just break again and again, so it was just a wasted effort. What's even the point anymore? Why even bother trying? I can't fix anything. That's the one thing I ever wanted to do, and it's impossible, apparently. I can make a character in a story happy after a long life of misery, reward them for pushing through their struggles despite them. But you can't do that with real people. You can't make things better.
idk what i want
do i want to talk?
or do i want to be ignored?
i've spent so much of my life desiring and receiving the latter - would i even know how to talk if that is what i want? probably not. anyway, i suppose i'll have to talk to someone, idk
but you guys are busy, i'll just take it elsewhere
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ack, now i feel like i'm trying to guilt trip you
please don't take it that way
How in the nine rings of hell did I manage to be sad over my own writing? The feels, they're just, too much. I'm gonna take this as my writing is actually good and I'm proud of it.
Also
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FORGIVE ME I AM SO DAMN SORRY I GOT TOTALLY CAUGHT UP IN IT, I KNEW YOU WERE THERE AND I TRIED TO SAY SOMETHING AND I SWEAR I WASN'T IGNORING YOU AND I KNOW YOU KNOW I WASN'T BUT I STILL FEEL HORRIBLE I'M SO SORRY
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I used to be THE Bowser, now I'm just an awkward girl
AP Lit class makes me feel dumb. Like, I feel legitimately retarded in this class.
Everyone else has this grandeous view of literature and can talk about it for a long time, but I’m just not that smart enough to join in most of the time
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