Drawdler
Gold Sparx
Gems: 2889
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#119 Posted: 21:17:36 10/10/2016
(Yes, I can't sleep. This might belong in PT instead but the main point of the confession is, I'm pretty sure I'm more stressed than I realised or have been acting, and I just can't be arsed moving this post.)
Okay, you wanna know something that's really been getting me down, but I couldn't put it into words and didn't realise how much it sucked until now? Sometimes I feel terrible about myself for wanting more.
I have great friends, like, "even when I imagined I having friends as a kid, I never imagined they'd be as special as you"-great friends. I have tons of time to work on my art and I genuinely am kinda proud of it (at least to the point I'm not disliking most of the pieces I make) and definitely have made progress. I live in a home in a good area with a family that may piss me off in some way every day, but somehow has managed to stick together and isn't really as bad as it used to be. Most obviously, I get so much stuff simply through asking, honestly making me very spoiled in a sense. (Although I'm not going to object to it due to all the other **** that happens and because I'm slowly starting to try earning things myself, and if I hadn't been spoiled with games when I was younger I would probably feel like I had nothing to live for back then, so it "balances" my life in a morbid sense... Not that life is really balanced.)
But whenever timezones get in the way I steadily start feeling down, yet I feel I really need to give myself a LOT more space when talking with multiple friends at once sometimes. I still nitpick my art and still need to study art more but I'm scared I'll collapse under the work or just teach myself incorrectly. Whenever some annoying daily family thing happens again I steadily get more pissed and sometimes reminded of how much I used to focus on hating this place. And there's still more I wish my parents could buy for me yet I wanna have my own money and be able to save my own money and just get it myself because I hate relying on them but everything I want to buy currently isn't affordable to me. I want more, I want more, I want more, because I'm often scared that whenever I want something that feeling will be fleeting, so I want to go until I'm wholly satisfied to the point I go and find new stuff, and I'm scared about thinking this way.
Now that I finally realised all of this, I don't think it's going to leave my mind, but I don't know how to talk about it.
And god, I feel... Empty about it now.
And for the record, this isn't [undefined thing] I mentioned in a recent PT, that's something I don't really understand, I'm really not willing to talk about with anyone (just putting it out there would make me incredibly stressed) and I should really just see a professional about (I hate seeing professionals for mental health, but I feel like it's really my only option for more clarity on [undefined thing]).
Also, I seriously still want physical comfort, which is becoming pretty stressful as well because it makes me feel lonelier and I just feel like I'll never get it (yes, I've asked my family for hugs, and their hugs suck, and I appreciate internet hugs, but they simply aren't what I crave).
TL ; DR I think I've been more stressed/depressed/currently very confused about my feelings... than I realised recently because I just couldn't put my finger on something that's stressing me. Also considering seeing a professional for my mental health again and because there's something I really don't want to talk about to anyone and feel I have no other option for, which I hate because seeing professionals always made me more stressed than they helped, and feeling worse about lack of physical comfort.
Also, if I just suddenly become way rarer in the next few days, this is why.
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