darkSpyro

So let me level with you here:

I know I have been a complete douche towards you lately. I won't deny it. We hardly talk to each other anymore. Most of the times we do talk, it's in front of others, and I'm always making stupid jokes about you. I may sound like I am having fun when I make fun of you like that, but I really am not. When I laugh along with the jokes I've started about you, that other people join in on, I'm faking it. I really don't find what I started funny. At first it was fine, as all I was doing was trying to not come across as too serious, and trying to fit in. But now, what I myself have started annoys me. I'm not going to make them jokes anymore. Maybe once in a blue moon, but they won't be often anymore. Especially since I've probably been crossing the line lately, and I apoligise for that.

But the odd time we do talk privately, I'm really short with you. I'm not really trying to be. I guess it's just that I'm not sure how to talk to you anymore. Because as I'm sure you know, I've got so much bottled up love for you, and so many bottled up feelings. And the sad part is, I always love when you go out of your way to talk to me. It makes me feel like someday, we may have a chance together, that you aren't completely turned off me over how I feel about you. Talking to me more only serves to develop how I feel about you, and make it stronger, yet you do it anyway, despite the fact you don't feel the same way. It makes me feel like you actually do share some of the same feelings I have, however small that fraction is.
Yet despite all of that, I still let myself be short with you. Lately, you have been making the effort to speak with me. But I haven't been returning the favour. I've stopped sending you those messages I used to send you almost daily. Partly because I was worried they were a nuisance to you, but also because I'm not sure what to say in them anymore without sounding repetitive or desperate. And those times you have tried to speak with me, I could tell you were getting upset with how short I was. You were afraid that I didn't want to talk to you anymore, and I guess it doesn't help that I let similar things happen last year. But that's not the case at all. I greatly miss those 8 hour long conversations we would have. Those were amazing....

I could go on all day both about how I feel about you, and how I feel I have been letting you down and mistreating you, especially lately. And I know I may very well just be a drama queen here, and maybe you haven't been upset with me, and maybe you haven't even gave a crap about me lately, which to be honest, is perfectly fine. Despite your deeper side that was formed by the many tragic things you've had to endure, and the anxiety attacks you get, I know that in the end, you're also a pretty teenage girl who is no stranger to being a social butterfly. I know that you like to just forget negative things, and not have to deal with them. I know that in the end, you just want to have fun, and be a girl. And you know what? That's perfectly fine. I understand that. If you aren't bothered too much by me lately, I apoligise for even typing any of this. And if you'd rather keep life going with just simple pleasures, then I may as well take a hike, and quit disturbing you. There are plenty of guys in the world who are handsome, funny, strong, have money, are talented, and all of those things, and if you ever needed a relationship that was based on having fun, maybe they would be much better for you than I am.

But if I have done too much damage and I have to leave you with one sentence, then - No matter how distant I may seem from you, no matter how bitter I seem, no matter how cynical and detached I may sound, just know that despite anything, I'm always going to love you and care about you, and not a literal minute goes by where you aren't in my thoughts.